Print Topic

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Scripts  /  Walk Away - Filmed
Posted by: Don, August 24th, 2012, 2:36pm
Walk Away by Daniel Botha - Short, Drama - A nervous teenage boy faces up to his past mistakes. 8 pages - pdf, format 8)


Posted by: Reef Dreamer, August 24th, 2012, 3:10pm; Reply: 1
Hey Daniel,

Glad to see another from you.

First off, this is good work. I  have some suggestions but I think it shows progress over your other work. Tightly written, well formatted - well done.

Nit pick stuff - check your flashback format and when moving inside a building in one motion you may find the mini slugs better

Eg Roger stands on the doorstep and walks into--

THE HALLWAY

--where he etc

I only spotted one like this but it tends to connects the scenes better for the reader

Story - I liked this. My issues were;

1) the mothers re action - her son is in a wheel chair, that we discover was an accident caused recently, we assume, by the other boy and she gives no foreshadow of this??? Normal, happy as larry?

I think this needs a change.

2) the two boys at the end. Now I can see this, just something seemed a little off eg a boy would stand alone timing nobody? Maybe watching the empty track?

Actually, afterwards I think the dialogue between them may need a tweak, some of it ex.ains the situation, on the nose etc, rather than dealing with them. Why he's turned up, why they haven't seen each other before, what's changed etc

Otherwsie, well done.

PS as an after thought, and because I like happy endings, I had the idea of him timing his mate training in a wheel chair. Too Disney for some, but an idea. :D

Cheers
Posted by: danbotha, August 24th, 2012, 3:26pm; Reply: 2
Thanks Bill for the feedback on this. Thanks Don for posting, again.


Quoted Text
1) the mothers re action - her son is in a wheel chair, that we discover was an accident caused recently, we assume, by the other boy and she gives no foreshadow of this??? Normal, happy as larry?


I always pictured the mother as a person who doesn't hold a grudge. She has all these horrible things happen to her son, yet she still holds her head high and doesn't let anything get in her way. She knows that for her son to be in a wheelchair, it's not the end of the world and Fred will still be successful.


Quoted Text
2) the two boys at the end. Now I can see this, just something seemed a little off eg a boy would stand alone timing nobody? Maybe watching the empty track?


With Rocky being the only one on the running track at the end, I wanted to show how alone he is. How he isn't much without a best friend. I wasn't sure about the track, either. Maybe there's another way I could show this?

The dialogue... Yuhp, definitely needs tweaking. Will be working on that soon, as I plan to film this, next weekend with some of my friends.

The idea with him and the wheelchair racing at the end, did occur to me, when writing and I did think it would be a nice note to end on. The reason I didn't have it like that was simple. I want something that really is going to hopefully make people think twice about drink driving. If I had that happy ending, the idea behind the film wont be as effective.

Thanks Bill, really appreciate the input :)

Dan
Posted by: nawazm11, August 24th, 2012, 7:30pm; Reply: 3
Hey, Dan. Looks like you have more shorts!

If I compare the writing to your first short posted here, I have to say, it's really improved.

But TBH, the short wasn't bad but it still didn't do it for me. The story, we've really seen it a million times before, mostly in any drama you see nowadays. There wasn't a new twist, nothing to separate it from the others. That's not saying it's bad, even good if you want it to be.

I think you need a little more here, something that packs more punch. Problem is when  Fred is first introduced, he comes off as a total ass. Why would I feel sorry for a total ass? I mean his story is sad but some kindness would've worked a little here. Maybe when Rocky first comes, Fred shakes it off and pretends he doesn't care and after, he snaps. Don't know, just a suggestion.

Not bad but I think it could be improved. Also, not too expensive to film so maybe you'll get some bites. :)

Posted by: RJ, August 24th, 2012, 7:35pm; Reply: 4
Just read this. Thought the emotion was as good and it was an easy read, but I agree about the mother. As much as she may be able to get past what has happened, I don't believe she would be as chirpy, her reactions just feel a little off. Doesn't mean she can't be nice, maybe just not as welcoming?

Things that caught my eye:

'The video console is switched off.' might work better as 'Fred turns the console off.'

'LATER
Fred watches as Fred’s car pulls off.' Might be just me, but I didn't understand this. Was Rocky driving Fred's car? or was it Fred's mum driving somewhere?

END FLASHBACK - this only caught my eye because it's underlined and centered like the way you would end the entire movie.

On the upside - IMO - The scene with Rocky at the tracks alone did what it was meant to. I understood what it was saying. I also liked the dialogue throughout and I thought it worked.

Renee.
Posted by: danbotha, August 25th, 2012, 2:44am; Reply: 5
Thanks for the feedback, nawazm and Renee. Sorry I couldn't get back sooner, I've been away, directing a music video, today.

nawazm: It's great to see my writing has improved since my first script posted. It seems my time here has really started to pay off. Sorry the story didn't do it for you. The idea was thought up in a hurry, as I'm working with a massive time constraint as I have to get this filmed, edited and finished to a competition standard in just a month.

Yes, Fred is an Ass, but that's really what I was going for. You're supposed to think of him as a complete ass until the wheelchair is revealed. Sorry to see that isn't as effective as I intended it to be. I'll definitely consider that change you suggested.

Renee: Thanks for the feedback.

Okay, I agree with you with the mother. Maybe a little cautious, at first?

It's wickedly cool to see the emotion coming through on this one. Just hope that comes across in the final film, as well. As for the scene with Rocky on the tracks, great! It's good to see that scene making sense :)

Thanks, guys. Really appreciate the time.

Dan
Posted by: alffy, August 25th, 2012, 11:06am; Reply: 6
Hey Dan, man you knock 'em out....shorts I mean lol

Going to start with a picky niggle.  i don't like the first Slug.  'RICH SUBURB', perhaps 'WEALTHY SUBURB'  would be better, but hey, who am I to say what's better, it's personal opinion right?

I few times you include redundant stuff like 'very fancy hall'.  The slug says were in the hall so you could trim this description.

I think Fred watching Fred's car leaving is a mistake, should it be Rocky's car that is leaving?

I think your slugs should give more info.  INT. DINING ROOM doesn't tell me if Rocky is at home or at Fred's?

When Fred holds the knife; a few small cuts would suggest Fred has thought about it before, just an idea?

Fred's reaction to meeting Rocky suggests anger, which is understandable but it doesn't help the idea that they were best friends when he fails to give Rocky closure for his mistake.  I think you might more impact if he somehow tried to forgive him before he tops himself.

Good concept and has some emotion but could be stronger IMO.
Posted by: danbotha, August 25th, 2012, 2:03pm; Reply: 7
Hey alffy,

It's coming to a stage when I'm going to start working on a feature, but I really want to make sure I know what I'm doing, first.

Don't worry about 'picky niggles' (nice word, btw). I can accept opinions and will even take a look at that.

Noticed a few redundant stuff when I read over this last night. I think when I'm writing, I just don't think about it and sometimes, they just slip by.


Quoted from alffy
I think Fred watching Fred's car leaving is a mistake, should it be Rocky's car that is leaving?


Yeah, that's a typo. Whoops ;D

Thanks alffy, really appreciate the feedback and the ideas :)

Dan
Posted by: Forgive, August 25th, 2012, 6:54pm; Reply: 8
Hey Dan! Great to see more work from you here.

So first off - yeah I liked it ... I always do with your work. I'm just going to go with the good and the bad as I see it:

I didn't quite get --
"a rusty car cruises through a wall of massive, well-kept houses." It just sits wrong for me.

"ROCKY SMITHERS (18) dressed in track-pants and a jacket"
Well ... the Sultan of Oman could be dressed in track-pants, sat next to George W Bush (also dressed in track-pants), but hopefully you'd be able to tell the difference...?

I'm interested in the bit where Rocky takes his time to inspect the rust on the car - it's a kind of nice moment, but I can't 'place' it - I'm thinking that it's an avoidance technique, but if that's true, then I'd have him glancing at the house -- otherwise he comes over as looking uninterested??

I'd agree with other posters on the issue of Mrs Hind. When she first sees Rocky, I think there needs to be that element of 'momentary shock' - them composure - it actually adds an element of mystery to the whole thing, and gives Mrs Hind an additional dimension.

Left hand twitches is a nice observation.

Minor one - I thought "You were supposed to be sober .." was better than putting in the driver bit, as that's a little bit too much exposition - the reader's kind of waiting for the rest to come later (even if it doesn't).

I'd have to agree that the flashback end is off. And on that - the 'continuous' is wrong as well.

When Fred looks through the photos, you need an insert.

Top of page 6 - Dining Room - you haven't said where (ROCKY'S HOUSE - DINING ROOM etc).

There's too many tears here ... it's like the piece is trying too hard to be emotional on behalf of the reader.

I liked the bit where Rocky stand at the end of the finishing line, but there's a bit of an unfilmable in him 'smiling at the memory'. The feeling of loneliness here was profound - maybe just emphasise it somewhat - start with a wide maybe?

So I think there's a lot going on here - some hit the mark really well, other bits need a little work. I think maybe it needs personalising somewhat?? Rocky may be an A$$, but he's an a$$ with a weight of emotional baggage who hugely regrets what he's done, and wanted closure (failed), and wanted forgiveness. And I think the only thing missing here is that understanding of Rocky's heartbeat within the drama. I mean, let's be honest here, wasn't walking away the hardest thing Rocky ever did?

Good stuff Dan.

Simon
Posted by: danbotha, August 25th, 2012, 9:33pm; Reply: 9
Hey Simon,

That makes all of my scripts you've read, now. Appreciate your support.


Quoted from Forgive
"ROCKY SMITHERS (18) dressed in track-pants and a jacket"
Well ... the Sultan of Oman could be dressed in track-pants, sat next to George W Bush (also dressed in track-pants), but hopefully you'd be able to tell the difference...?


Sorry, I don't understand what you mean lol. Is that a reference to me not having an actual description for Rocky?


Quoted from Forgive
I'm interested in the bit where Rocky takes his time to inspect the rust on the car - it's a kind of nice moment, but I can't 'place' it - I'm thinking that it's an avoidance technique, but if that's true, then I'd have him glancing at the house -- otherwise he comes over as looking uninterested??


Somebody picked up on it! Yeah, Rocky is trying to delay the time. See what you mean by him coming across as uninterested.


Quoted from Forgive
I'd have to agree that the flashback end is off. And on that - the 'continuous' is wrong as well.


Here's where I start to get a little frustrated, but not at you. I've been told so many things about flashbacks in the past, that I really just don't know which method is the right way to use, anymore haha.

I agree that at times this script is too emotional... Almost pathetic with all the tears. Not sure what kind of mood I was in when I wrote this.

Glad you liked this one.

Thanks Simon. Your feedback and critique is always appreciated.

Dan
Posted by: Forgive, August 26th, 2012, 8:49am; Reply: 10

Quoted from danbotha
Is that a reference to me not having an actual description for Rocky?

Yeah - what you've got is a description of the guy's clothes - as it's quite an emotional piece, and there's only three characters, it may be good to try and get a bit of this guy's character across.


Quoted from danbotha
Somebody picked up on it! Yeah, Rocky is trying to delay the time. See what you mean by him coming across as uninterested.

I think it could work quite well - maybe have him turn around and look at the house while he's picking? Maybe have him accidentally pick a chunk of rust by mistake? I think it's worth having in, just needs a little re-working IMO.


Quoted from danbotha
Here's where I start to get a little frustrated, but not at you. I've been told so many things about flashbacks in the past, that I really just don't know which method is the right way to use, anymore haha.

I like Chris Riley's approach, which is two-fold:
1) He says only really put it in if you need to. Most flashbacks are pretty obvious - as in your case.
2) If you have to do it, then do it anyway you want so long as it's clear and efficient. I think yours just stood out some as the 'end flash' looked like it was formatted as it were a character - so it stood of the page a little.

Good luck with it.
Posted by: DV44, August 26th, 2012, 4:11pm; Reply: 11
Hey Dan- I think this is the third short story I've read from you. Your quickly becoming one of my favorite authors to read. Really like you short stories. Personal note, I agree with Simon and that when the mother sees Rocky for the first time I think there would be a shock factor to some degree. Overall, very satisfying. Great job. Best of luck on future shorts-
         Dirk
Posted by: danbotha, August 26th, 2012, 11:19pm; Reply: 12
Thanks, guys :)

Simon: See exactly what you mean with the character descriptions. That's something I should have actually picked up on.

With the flashback ending as if it was a character, another SS user (wont mention any names) told me that this was the right way of writing a flashback in. Having said that, I have noticed that not many other writers write them the way he does. Thanks Simon. Appreciate the effort.

Dirk: It's comments like the one that you just made that keep me writing... and I mean that. Glad you enjoyed this one. The meeting with Mrs. Hind and Rocky will change. The re-write will be done, soon.

Dan
Posted by: CoopBazinga, August 27th, 2012, 3:22am; Reply: 13
Hey Dan,

Always a pleasure to check out contributing members work so here I am. You can bang out these shorts for fun it seems and they're always pretty good quality which shows you've got ability or a knack for this kind of short.

For starters that opening line reads all wrong and could do with a tidy up.

No need for day and continuous in the slugs...get rid of day.

He locks his rusty battered car in a wealthy area, must be scared that all the yuppies have had enough of BMW's and the like.

I would call Mrs.Hind (Margaret Hind) on first intro and then change to Margaret in her dialogue and action for a cleaner read. Mrs. Hinds didn't sound right after she asked him to call her Margaret...maybe just me.

Slugs could do with some more info rather just hall like "DAN'S HOUSE - HALL"

I wonder why you didn't intro Fred straight away instead of lone figure? We know it's Fred from the previous conversation.

"It?ll" doesn't need to be capped in the action.

"Fred watches as Fred?s car pulls off." A typo here unless it was Fred's car that Rocky is driving?

Might need some "INSERT" technique for when looking at the photos.

"A tears rolls down his cheeks." reads wrong. Think you mean "A few tears roll down his cheeks."

Most of the above is just nitpicks and nothing that hurt the read so well done on a nice-written piece, I was never lost or tripped up and that's a good thing.

The story, well if I was after something to cheer me up at work then I chose the wrong one. ;D

In all seriousness, this is another emotional trip around what is a problem in todays society so well done for tackling it.

Things I liked was the athletic game which is subtle and ties nicely into Fred's situation although I did feel the dialogue was a tad awkward at this junction...can't quite put my finger on it but it didn't read right.

Also Rocky's hesitation or stalling was handled well and gave us a good sense that this was something he was dreading but knew he had to face.

The things I didn't like -  the mother's been mentioned so I think you know this area needs some work, her reaction didn't warrant what Rocky was fearing before entering, nor that of a mother who's child has been paralyzed by this kid. Something to work on.

The crying and tears just wasn't working for me, I think you overplayed it.

Character descriptions were lacking, all we got was clothes and this left me with faceless characters. Lucky for you, your story was good enough to pull me through but this might need to be more developed, who are these kids and what is there background? Are they lifelong friends?

The story started with different class structures, one side rich with the massive houses and the other side poor, hence his rusty car. This I thought would come into effect but never did and left me wondering the meaning of that aspect. If anything, I thought Fred should have come from a poorer background to raise the stakes in his affliction, this kids/family's hope rested on his athletic ability but now that has all been torn away.

I can see you thinking this one up while watching the recent Olympics and what if so and so happened and one of these athletes lost the one thing they love.

On the same note and this isn't what you intended but anyway...what a great story this would be if Fred turned himself around and went on to compete and win in the Paralympics. Maybe there is a feature in that kind of story

There is also a little question repeating itself in the back of mind that won't go away. Why Rocky was driving to his house? Didn't he lose his license after the accident? Obviously I don't know the time frame but it might have added more exposition to have him turn up in a taxi or his parents dropping him off. Just a thought.

Good work, buddy. :)

Steve

P.S
Quoted from danbotha
With the flashback ending as if it was a character, another SS user (wont mention any names) told me that this was the right way of writing a flashback in. Having said that, I have noticed that not many other writers write them the way he does.


The way you did is perfectly fine IMO, it's all preference my friend and everybody is different...the important thing is to be clear to the reader and you can't be more clear than what you've done. It would raise an eyebrow with me if this was a feature and you had lots of them because it would be wasted space when there are other techniques to use.

And no, I wasn't the SS user from which Dan speaks.

I would throw out a word of caution about having "flashback" in the slug though but more for features. I read an interesting article recently which Brett put on the boards which said about pro readers not reading slugs after page 15...check it out if you haven't already.

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/m-1345647102/

Like I say, preference. Just make sure your story is clear and you don't confuse the hell out of the reader...clarity.

All the best.
Posted by: danbotha, August 27th, 2012, 11:35pm; Reply: 14
Hey Steve,

Thanks so much for the in-depth critique.


Quoted from CoopBazinga
Most of the above is just nitpicks and nothing that hurt the read so well done on a nice-written piece, I was never lost or tripped up and that's a good thing.


I'll say the same thing that I did to alffy. Those nitpicky things are exactly what I'm looking for in reviews. It's great to see them, not to mention the interesting side of things.


Quoted from CoopBazinga
The story, well if I was after something to cheer me up at work then I chose the wrong one.


I seriously hope that wasn't the case ;D Just a word of advice, if you're ever looking for a script to cheer you up, don't ever pick up one of mine. I'm not a morbid person, by nature, but it seems to be the genre I can deal with comfortably.


Quoted from CoopBazinga
Things I liked was the athletic game which is subtle and ties nicely into Fred's situation although I did feel the dialogue was a tad awkward at this junction...can't quite put my finger on it but it didn't read right.

Also Rocky's hesitation or stalling was handled well and gave us a good sense that this was something he was dreading but knew he had to face.


I dropped a few subtle things in this one, so I'm glad you picked them up. When I wrote this, I think I was in directors mode as I really seemed to focus on things like costume and setting rather than character appearances.


Quoted from CoopBazinga
The story started with different class structures, one side rich with the massive houses and the other side poor, hence his rusty car. This I thought would come into effect but never did and left me wondering the meaning of that aspect. If anything, I thought Fred should have come from a poorer background to raise the stakes in his affliction, this kids/family's hope rested on his athletic ability but now that has all been torn away.


The only reason I had that set in a rich suburb was because I thought it would be a comedic sight of sorts. Here we have this really rich, quite posh place and all of a sudden a spluttering car comes into view. Something for the audience to chuckle at, before we get to the emotional parts of the script. I just think some of my work gets a little depressing at times, so just something to get a few chuckles going. Nothing hilarious, but subtle humour.

The idea for the story actually came before the Olympics started, but the whole athletics thing was added later. Originally, it was just a story about a kid in a wheelchair and nothing else. Thought it didn't have much to it, so I added the athletics part, later.

The idea with the Paralympics isn't a bad one and I think it would work well, if the script wasn't based on drink driving. I think that alternative ending would possibly promote drunk driving, in a way, rather than have that message against it all. I just have this picture of a bunch of idiots thinking "That Fred guy was fine after the drink driving accident, so what's the problem?"


Quoted from CoopBazinga
There is also a little question repeating itself in the back of mind that won't go away. Why Rocky was driving to his house? Didn't he lose his license after the accident? Obviously I don't know the time frame but it might have added more exposition to have him turn up in a taxi or his parents dropping him off. Just a thought.


Nothing gets past you ;D. Yeah, Rocky would definitely have lost his license, although who knows with the NZ police, nowadays ;D

Thanks for the extra notes on flashbacks. I'll definitely take a look at that link. I remember seeing it, but not opening up the article. Don't know why.

Thanks Steve. You're raised some extremely good points :)

Dan
Posted by: RobertSpence, August 28th, 2012, 7:35pm; Reply: 15
Hi Daniel

I've been absent from these forums for a while so I've just picked your script at random to review. Also, I have not read any of the feedback that has been given so far therefore if I am reiterating anything that has been said already, I apologise.

Firstly, the script was well written in the sense that your descriptive sequences were good, and you seemed to capture the scenes perfectly. I could vividly picture the characters in their respective backdrops, which I applaud you for. So many scripts I have read don't do this well.

Now for just a couple of suggestions. I noticed there were certain elements that were on the nose in the script. By that I mean I felt like things were being shown to the reader which were pretty obvious were actually occurring. For instance, you have one piece of dialogue from Fred. He says:

FRED
You put me in a wheel-chair!

I think when Rocky enters the room, there could be a more imaginative way to show this to us rather than tell. I feel like you have something strong in Fred playing out what he could have done before the accident in the computer game and this could be made stronger. We can already tell what has happened and a nod rather than a piece of dialogue could prove a lot better.

I also feel like throughout the script, there are no surprises. As soon as Rocky drives up to the house with his damaged car, I can immediately tell he has been involved in a car accident, and I could pretty much predict the rest of the script that followed. Unfortunately I can't suggest anything to change this but it was just my initial response when reading.

I did however find your closing sequence quite poignant which was probably my favourite part of the script. When the two characters both say sorry, it resonated with me.

One final point I would like to add is the fact Fred actually slits his wrists. To be honest, I feel like it would be more effective if it was the other way around and Rocky was the one doing this. Rocky committing suicide in my opinion could carry the story more and possibly show that he is truly sorry for what he did.

To conclude, an enjoyable read and keep up the good work.

Cheers

Robert
Posted by: danbotha, August 28th, 2012, 11:26pm; Reply: 16
Hey Robert,

Welcome back to the boards :)

You actually haven't reiterated any of the points made. Instead, you've raised some new points which is always great to see.


Quoted from RobertSpence
I think when Rocky enters the room, there could be a more imaginative way to show this to us rather than tell. I feel like you have something strong in Fred playing out what he could have done before the accident in the computer game and this could be made stronger. We can already tell what has happened and a nod rather than a piece of dialogue could prove a lot better.


I see what you're saying. I remember adding a few guilty glances to subtly hint it, but maybe it wasn't enough?

Don't worry about the car at the start. It's going to be taken out in the next draft, so the script probably wont be as predictable. Sorry you could predict the ending. I did try and establish some sense of mystery, but I guess it can only work for some. I'll try and hint a little less in the next draft :)


Quoted from RobertSpence
I did however find your closing sequence quite poignant which was probably my favourite part of the script. When the two characters both say sorry, it resonated with me.


Great to see that last scene working for people. It was quite difficult to write, without knowing if people would like it, or not.


Quoted from RobertSpence
One final point I would like to add is the fact Fred actually slits his wrists.


Ah, but does he actually slit his wrists? I deliberately had Mrs. Hind's screams in black to spark some thought on the topic. Does Fred end his life, or does Mrs. Hind catch him just before he does it? That part is up for your own interpretation.

Great to see you enjoying this and thanks for the read. If I can ever return the favour, just let me know :)

Dan
Posted by: RobertSpence, August 29th, 2012, 8:56am; Reply: 17
Hi Daniel

I get what you are saying with regards to the ambiguity of the ending. Good to see you're collating all of the feedback for the redraft. I'm sure it will be a lot better.

Regarding my work, I've just finished my Masters in Screenwriting so I've just submitted a little short I did on the course for Don to put up. It's called Reservoir Pups. Due to the course being over now, I've got a lot more time to give feedback so I'll have a browse through some of your other work when I have a chance.

Cheers

Robert
Posted by: danbotha, August 29th, 2012, 11:17pm; Reply: 18

Quoted from RobertSpence

Regarding my work, I've just finished my Masters in Screenwriting so I've just submitted a little short I did on the course for Don to put up. It's called Reservoir Pups.


Sure, I'll take a look when it comes out. Looking forward to returning the favour :)

Dan
Posted by: jwent6688, August 31st, 2012, 3:29pm; Reply: 19
Dan,

Read this a couple of days ago, but didn't have time to comment. I like what you're shooting for here, but I thought the delivery could be better. Half way through we know that Rocky was responsible for Fred's condition (which, btw, I found it funny that Rocky was driving again already). The script kind of meanders after that point trying to drive home the suffering of these two characters.

I think it would have more impact if you could keep the mystery going of what happened until the end. The last two scenes could be Fred sitting in his wheelchair and Rocky standing at the end of an empty finish line, but everything should build towards that scene and keep the audience guessing, what happened here?

I think if you used the track scene as bookends it would work nicely. Rocky timing Fred in the beginning and then standing there alone at the end. Maybe use the ticking of the stopwatch throughout. Sprinkle some hints... take us to the party maybe, put us in the car just before the accident...

It's just a suggestion, but I think it would intensify the impact of the story which I think you're trying to drive home here. Hope this helps some, good luck with the filming.

James
Posted by: danbotha, August 31st, 2012, 4:34pm; Reply: 20
Hey James, thanks for giving this a read and providing some awesome feedback.

I agree with you that the delivery isn't quite there yet. As we are shooting next weekend, I'm going to be punching a re-write out of this sometime this week.

I like your suggestion with building this one a little more and I'll definitely consider it.

As for the car and party scene. There are two reasons that I probably wont be adding those into the next draft. The first is, I need to keep it simple and having more than the three lead actors isn't keeping it simple. The car scene really comes down to my lack of experience with directing lol. Remember, this is my first film (other than one music video) so I just want to get something that's simple, but still effective.

But who knows? I may write a third draft of this, where I take your suggestions on board and try and get some other producers to film this. That certainly is a thought that's on my mind.

Thanks James, I appreciate the time :)

Dan
Posted by: Andrew, September 1st, 2012, 10:22am; Reply: 21
Enjoyed this. Juxtaposing their respective situations was nice when you consider it's done with our finding out they're actually in the same place emotionally - so not so different after all.

The issue with the mother was not such a big problem for me. It depends on how an actor would take on her role. Ostensibly she's friendly but the delivery could invert the writing. To make her a big standard angry mother would be a mistake. It's just too obvious.

Agree with James that this would benefit from adding more suspense - as it's obvious from the point we seen him in the wheelchair (nicely done with the game, btw) - but it's a fundamental change that involves a major rewrite.

Not a fan of playing Fred out as an asshole. In Born On The Fourth of July, Cruise is kinda of an assehole, but it's played out after we see him in his true personality at the beginning - you don't have that luxury, so to intentionally make him unsypathetic is not an angle to pursue, IMO. That said, he didn't come across as so much an asshole as a man at the end of his tether.
Posted by: danbotha, September 1st, 2012, 6:48pm; Reply: 22
Hey Andrew, thanks for the feedback :)

I'll do whatever I can to add more suspense to this in the next re-write. It's just a matter of fitting everything into the right place, now. The last time I re-wrote, I downgraded, which I obviously don't want, this time. I'm working to get this to an even better quality.

Alright, consider it done. Fred wont treat his mother like crap, but as soon as he leaves his attitude will change when speaking to Rocky. I think that's what people aren't liking about Fred at the moment...? Am I right?

Thanks Andrew. Your help and feedback is appreciated. (I say 'appreciate' a lot. Think I need to get hold of a thesaurus ;D)

Dan
Posted by: Mr.Ripley, September 5th, 2012, 10:24am; Reply: 23
Hey Dan

Finished the read.

I like the concept and the emotion your trying to attain here, but I think this can be expanded. I don't see much of a story. This is more like a scene to me. Maybe get Rocky to try to save Fred?  Or, get them to both die? Rocky could be drinking while driving?

There's three issues:

End Flashback - not needed. Delete that and with the new slug, you write (present day).

On pg. 5, Fred watches Fred leave. I think you mean Fred watches Rocky leave.

And, where is Rocky with the unfinished sandwich? The way you have it, Rocky's at Fred's home. I think you might mean that Rocky's at his home. Or even better, why not have Rocky driving?

Hope this helps,
Gabe
Posted by: Nomad, September 5th, 2012, 2:39pm; Reply: 24

Quoted from CoopBazinga
...it might have added more exposition to have him turn up in a taxi or his parents dropping him off.


I agree with Coop.  I'd have him ride a bicycle that's just a little too small for him.  His childhood bike that he hasn't used in years since he got his license.

Overall this was okay.  There's a lot of room for improvement, but you have the basics down, which is more than I can say for a lot of writers out there.

Jordan
Posted by: danbotha, September 5th, 2012, 11:13pm; Reply: 25
Thanks Gabe and Jordan :)

Gabe: Thanks for the suggestions on how I can take this one further. As I will be filming this myself, I won't be adding anything to the story YET. After I have filmed my own version, I'm going to put this one through a final re-write, so it can be a more effective story.

Sorry if you weren't able to see much of a story in this one. From what I can tell, this one has a varied amount of people who like it, then the people who don't like it.

Jordan: First of all thanks for taking the time with this. I like that touch with a bicycle. Think it would work well with the script.


Quoted from Nomad
Overall this was okay.  There's a lot of room for improvement, but you have the basics down, which is more than I can say for a lot of writers out there.


I can appreciate that opinion and it is definitely a valued one. If it's not too much to ask, could you maybe specify on this a bit? I'd like to know what specific parts I can improve on, so I don't keep repeating mistakes.

Cheers, guys ;D

Dan
Posted by: Abe from LA, September 6th, 2012, 1:14am; Reply: 26
Hey Dan,

Gave your script a read and you have the basis of a solid story.  Two guys who have their world and friendship shattered by an error in judgment.  I have to agree with what others are saying about certain inconsistencies:  namely Rocky’s car and Fred’s mom and how she is introduced in the story.

If this is the same car Rocky was driving on the day/night of the accident, I would think it would have been totaled.  And it’s true, he shouldn’t be allowed to drive.

How much time would you say has passed between the accident and the beginning of this story?  
I’m thinking, this can’t be the first time Rocky has tried to visit Fred.  Although I think Margaret’s reaction to Rocky needs tweaking, maybe they have made their peace for all those times Rocky “tried to visit Fred” and was turned away — he did try to visit Fred before this day, right?  Especially when his best friend was recovering in the hospital??
If this is maybe the 19th time Rocky has tried to visit Fred, then Margaret might see him as an ally in trying to bring her son out of his funk. Maybe.

I’d like to hear a more intimate conversation between Margaret and Rocky. Something that includes Fred’s state of mind, while advancing the story.  Perhaps Margaret can mention that Fred, “…stopped going to therapy.” Just keep it brief.

Not sure about the video game Fred is watching.  Because he has so much pent-up anger and bitterness, I tend to think the last game he would be playing has to do with sports and a running athlete. Maybe a game with violence and destruction (foreshadowing) that would reflect his feelings.  Perhaps a game that would allow him to vent and punish.

Can you show us more of Fred’s room?  I’d like to see remnants of sports posters on the wall, now torn down. How about having Rocky look at the sports photos, rather than Fred?  It seems melodramatic to have Fred look at the photos and then cry.

A good scene might be Fred asking Rocky to take the trash (his trophies, the photos) to the dumpster on his way out.  That would let us know that Fred’s sports dreams and his friendship with Rocky are over.
I think this is a story about loss.  Fred’s loss is obvious.  Rocky seems not to be grief-stricken so much as melancholy. He longs for the way things were.  Even going back to the track.

This is punctuated by the flashback scene of the running, rather than the car accident.
I agree with Coop that Fred should be from a lower-income family.  If athletics was his dream of a better life, than his loss would be so much more poignant.  That would amp up the drama.

James commented on the running stopwatch in the story.  And bookending the track scenes.  Makes sense and is worth considering.  So that your final act is preceded by the watch stopping on 11.58 — a sad but meaningful conclusion.
Maybe that could be your title, too?

Speaking of time, how about changing that to 10. 58.  That would be a pretty solid 100-meter time for a kid of Fred’s age. Which would give him hope that he could have run under 10 seconds one day and make the Olympic team. — A really good female sprinter in her late teens/early 20s might run 11.58.

Just a minor point:  Although I appreciate the scene of Fred running and Rocky timing him, you might also consider Rocky racing Fred.  Great friendships are often forged by two athletes pushing each other.  Just saying.
Regardless, you have a fine start.  Good luck with your filming.

Abe
Posted by: danbotha, September 7th, 2012, 12:41am; Reply: 27
Hey Abe, Thanks for taking the time to read this :)

I think this is the first of my shorts where people have had so many brilliant suggestions that it's hard to work out which ones best suit the script.

The car is being removed entirely. I think he wouldn't be permitted to drive after putting someone in a wheelchair, so I'm going to remove that.

Intimate conversation between Rocky and Margaret? Yup, I like that. Consider it done :)

As for the video game, I like it. I see your point about it, but I think the fact that it is an athletics game drops a few hints to the audience, which is what I would like to do with this. As it should be, everything is written into this script for a reason and I made sure the video game was specifically an athletics game to show how lost Fred actually is.

You certainly can see more of Fred's bedroom. When I wrote this I wanted to just show the messy side of things, but I do like that idea of the sports posters. Sorry about the melodrama in this one. Think I overdid the crying and tears. Yes, it's supposed to be dramatic, but all I got was a whiny kid. God, he whines! ;D

Fred taking out the 'trash' ... Great suggestion. I'll look into it :)

Thanks for the feedback Abe. Nothing I appreciate more.

Let me know if I can return the favour.

Dan
Posted by: Gage, September 8th, 2012, 3:16pm; Reply: 28
Hey Dan,

I'm too lazy to read all the comments on this post, so I hope I don't just echo everything that's been said.  Anyhoo:

Opening paragraph made me think Rocky's car had died.  The way it's written -- the car spluttering to a halt -- gives me an image of the engine slowly coughing its way out, but reading over it again, I think Rocky actually shut it off.

I don't know why Mrs. Hind is so kind to Rocky.  I mean, Rocky took her son's legs away.  It would be tough for me to resist breaking Rocky's kneecaps with a baseball bat, but she seems pleased as punch to see him.  Even a wistful face would make her reaction more realistic.

Page four, you capitalized "it'll" when Fred speaks.  Not sure if you meant "I'll", but just a little nitpick.

On the same page, the big reveal.  I'm torn on how Fred tells us how Rocky crippled him.  On one hand, it's kind of realistic, but on the other, the "you were the designated driver" part takes away a lot of the subtelty for me.  I think since this piece is so short, you could use some more time and space to make the reveal more natural without dragging it out.

Still on page four, I love the italics when Fred says "walk away".  I normally don't like italics in a script because they make the spacing all funky, but it's used so perfectly here; really gets across Fred's seething.

The flashback was good.  I wondered earlier in the piece why Rocky would ask a crippled kid if a sprinting game was "realistic" (ouch), but now I get it.

After that, though, the script kinda went downhill for me.  I respect you tons as a writer, but these last few pages felt like they were trying too hard to jerk tears from my face.  Rocky running, Fred getting the knife.  When they both said "I'm so sorry" in unison, it just didn't work for me, it felt too sentimental.  Then it just kind of ends.

Sorry if I was too harsh with this one.  I still love your work and I think you're a fantastic writer, this just wasn't my favorite of yours.  Keep going, bud! :)

Gage
Posted by: danbotha, September 8th, 2012, 3:27pm; Reply: 29
Hey Gage,

Thanks for the read and letting me know your thoughts on this one.

Glad you liked the italics. I wasn't actually sure if that properly showed up in the script. Thinking of maybe having that underlined, instead?

I think I went overboard on the melodrama in this one ;D I've been reading over it a lot recently and I really think it's pathetic, really. I know if I wasn't the writer of this I don't think I'd feel sorry for Fred at all. He's a bit of a dick ;D

Everyone has said that Mrs. Hind is too nice to Rocky. That will be changing in the next draft (which will be written today).

No worries about being harsh. Bit of honesty is just what this script needs. Great to see my other works earning me a name around here :)

Cheers, Gage

Dan

P.S. Grid-Lock is the next on my list of feature lengths. Just so you know :P
Posted by: khamanna, September 10th, 2012, 7:13am; Reply: 30
Hi Dan,

I think this is the first short of yours I ever read.

It's clear and easy to understand.
I thought it was a bit too tragic though, they were screaming "sorry" at the end but for some reason I didn't feel their emotions as much.
I liked the writing though.
I'm not a drama fan on the other hand, should have picked out something lighter.

p5 typo "A tears rolls"
Posted by: Nomad, September 10th, 2012, 2:10pm; Reply: 31
I tend to notice mechanical problems with a story and if I see too many of them, it takes me out of the story.

Xbox isn't hyphenated.

Why does Fred have a small TV if the rest of the house is so opulent?  He should have a massive TV.

Fred's room probably wouldn't have clothes all over the place because he would need someone to help get dressed and undressed.  They would probably put the dirty clothes in a laundry room.  I picture a house like this having servants to take care of things like this.  Sure Fred may not let anyone into his room all that often but someone has to bring him chips and coffee.  Plus a dirty room would make it difficult for him to wheel around.  If his room IS messy, I'd at least show a path worn into the carpet from the door to the spot where he plays games.

Instead of, "Fred has returned to his game", just say, "Fred returns to his game".

Instead of, "The video console is switched off", "Fred turns the TV off"

I'd use INTERCUT when showing Fred and Rocky on page 6.

These are just a few things I noticed right away.  The story would read much smoother and more believable if you revised them.

Jordan
Posted by: danbotha, September 11th, 2012, 12:34am; Reply: 32
Thanks for the feedback, Khamanna and Jordan,

Khamanna: Yeah, I think this is the first of mine that you have read. Certainly hope this one didn't put you off some of my other screenplays ;D

I all seriousness, thanks for taking the time to read this one and respond. Sorry if you felt it was a little too tragic. It's a lot less melodramatic, now. Will have that draft up soon, but I'm currently occupied with another project. And hey, it's cool if drama isn't your thing. We all have our favourite genres, right?

Jordan: Thanks for going more in-depth with your feedback. As, I've said before, those nitpicky things are the specifics that I'm looking for in a review. People need to pick holes in my scripts, otherwise they don't improve, so I appreciate it.

Thanks guys :)

Dan
Posted by: tendai_moyo, September 13th, 2012, 2:50pm; Reply: 33
I read the comments but will try my best not to repeat anything that's already been said. Or maybe I'll repeat everything that's been said because they are key problem areas and respect the members of this board so much that I feel their statements must be reiterated.

Who knows.


  • (p1) "slow breath in, before opening." There doesn't need to be a comma there.
  • (p1) "MRS. HIND (56) an apron around her waist." There should be a comma after "(56)."
  • (p2) Why did Rocky opt to call her Margaret this time out of all times? It's implied that she has constantly recommended he call her by her first name before and he's refused. Considering the guilt he now inhibits over injuring her son, I doubt he'd be so eager to address Fred's mother as anything informal this time around. It might have made more sense for him to nervously repeat, "Uh, thank you, Mrs. Hind."
  • (p2) "x-box" is spelled "Xbox."
  • (p2) "all he ever does, these days." No comma necessary.
  • (p2) "He blinks in quick succession." I know what you meant, but this sounds strange to me. When I first read it I wanted to picture Rocky twitching, then blinking rapidly in one place like his eyes were casino game slots.
  • (p4) "It'll" should be in lower case.
  • (p4) "You said you wouldn't drink." This line drive the "don't drink and drive" message home in a bad way. It became anvilicious, drilling the message over audience's heads thus losing whatever impact it could have had. You can take it out and leave the line "You were supposed to be the sober driver" all on it's lonesome.
  • (p4) There's a semicolon in the action line after "I don't ever want to see your face again." I don't know if that's a typo or not.
  • (p4) I'm also not sure if "What you looking at?" is intentional slang meant to be used by Fred or if that was a typo as well in lieu of "What are you looking at?"
  • (p4) The conversation between Fred and Rocky lost its power to me because it seemed like Fred was yelling. It's true that different people react uniquely to the same circumstances, and Fred very well may be the type of person to lash out at the instigator of his situation, but for the purposes of this script I would've felt more impact had he been more melancholy and prevaricating, uttering the same lines, simply without the exclamation points. For instance when he stated, "Go. Just go," that hit me.
  • (p4) "Walk away." This was too much. Not only does he wait until Rocky's already leaving to say it, the line itself felt cheeky.
  • (p5) "Fred's car pulls off." I think you meant Rocky's car.
  • (p5) I usually write FLASHBACK at the end of a slug.

    EXT.  SCHOOL FIELD - DAY - FLASHBACK

  • (p5) Instead of "END FLASHBACK" type CURRENT or PRESENT at the end of the next slug.

    INT.  BEDRROOM - DAY - CURRENT

  • (p6) "A half-eaten sandwich lies discarded in front of him." Lies discarded? So it's been thrown out and is still in front of him? Is there a trash bin on the table he's eating on? These rich people and their kooky design schemes.


Enough has been said about the mother's reaction so I won't harp on that. Though I will add that maybe she's suppressing her emotions by overcompensating, a concept that makes sense but is never explored thus cannot be used as an explanation.

Your slugs are missing a mention of whose home we're in. I know it's obvious if you're reading the screenplay, but it's a technicality.

INT.  FRED'S HOME - DINING ROOM - DAY

... would be appropriate.

The ending was less than subtle and slightly overdramatic. As a film piece it I don't think it would work because it's too on the nose, but if it was in a commercial about the dangers of drinking and driving then maybe. Perhaps. In the right time slot.

Your descriptions and such are good. I had zero problems visualizing the world of your story in my head.
Posted by: danbotha, September 14th, 2012, 1:01am; Reply: 34
Thanks tendai.

With the three reviews you've posted on my scripts, I've noticed you put a lot of effort into your feedback, so thanks for that.

Sorry you didn't like the ending. Some like it, some don't, so it's a little difficult to find what exactly I've done wrong lol.

Thanks ;D

Dan
Posted by: rc1107, September 18th, 2012, 1:17pm; Reply: 35
Hey Dan.

I've mentioned before I like how you like to tackle serious, deep issues.  Again, that respect only deepens remembering how young you are.  A lot of people your age write only vampires and splatter, (including myself back in the day).  I can only imagine how great of a writer you'll be in another fifteen years.

This story does work and sends the right message, but it is just a tad too melodramatic and, to be honest, all the jumping around and flashbacks at the end just seem to clutter things up and I'm losing the visuals of what's going on.  That was my main problem, how cluttered the ending was.  It really took away from the impact it should have had.

I think it would be a good idea, and a little more mysterious, to have Rocky's parents dropping him off at Fred's.  Here's a kid old enough to drive, so why isn't he?  Plus, before he gets out, they could ask him if he wants them to stay parked or drive back home and pick him up later.  It just adds an extra edge and foreshadows a little more of what's to come and what's in store.

I also maybe would have liked to see Rocky fight a little harder for their friendship before walking away.  Just to show that he truly cares and there's truly a friendship there.  That way, in the end, we can feel a little more the sadness of the situation.

Other than that, this is another deep story that I'm glad you had the guts enough to tackle.

- Mark
Posted by: danbotha, September 19th, 2012, 1:22am; Reply: 36

Quoted from rc1107
I've mentioned before I like how you like to tackle serious, deep issues.  Again, that respect only deepens remembering how young you are.  A lot of people your age write only vampires and splatter, (including myself back in the day).  I can only imagine how great of a writer you'll be in another fifteen years.


Oh, stop it!!  :B  :B

Thanks Mark. To hear such compliments from the writer of my favourite screenplay... It's pretty awesome.

No doubt about it... this script is melodramatic. It will be toned down with the next re-write. Hope I can improve on that aspect with the next draft.

Thanks for the suggestions. I will certainly look into them and see how I can possibly incorporate them into the script. Really like that idea with the parents dropping him off.

Cheers, Mark

Dan
Posted by: KAlbers, November 26th, 2012, 5:12am; Reply: 37
WOW!! Mark is absolutely right. Even in five years I can imagine what an amazing writer you'll be.

I liked the script. Great writing  and challenging subject matter which you handle quite well!

I don't know what I can touch on, that already hasn't been by some of the best minds on here. Plus I'm a little late to jump on the bandwagon. So I'm sure my comments might be redundant or obsolete, but I'll try and add something new.

I agree with the general conciseness about the mother's attitude. I think she can be civil, but the way she is written now, kinda makes her feel like a robot.

The dialogue is great, you build great conflict, but then you get a little too on the nose with exposition.  "You said you wouldn't drink. You were supposed to be the sober driver"  I think the title could work here, not only  is Rocky in a wheel chair because of his friend, but Fred "walked away" unscathed from the accident.  This resentment could help with the subtext between them and draw out the whole story without it feeling contrived. (Just a thought)

Side note: What does the line "I stuffed up--" mean? (Maybe I'm the only one who does't quite get this line)

Finally, although I get what you said about the "don't drink and drive" message, but the suicide at the end I think skews it a little. Its not okay to drink and drive but okay to commit suicide? Not that I believe you think suicide is okay, just, it's Rocky's solution for his situation.  I don't like that, it supersedes, drinking and driving is bad, with; if you're dealt a crummy hand in life, it's not worth living. I don't think you need a Disney ending here, but this to me is the issue with the current ending. Two tragic events don't make a right ;)

I hope I brought something new to the discussion, but if I haven't I apologize for being redundant.

That being said, I give you high praises and mad respect for your amazing talent, ambition, and attitude.  keep up the great work. :)

Best, Kev
Posted by: danbotha, November 26th, 2012, 3:44pm; Reply: 38
Shot for the read Kevin ;D

This was a small idea that I just had to put down on paper. Am I happy with the final result? Nah. I think the story is lacking in anything original. This is something that gets played on my tv screen at least once a week. The idea has been killed.

Anyway, onto your feedback...


Quoted from KAlbers
I agree with the general conciseness about the mother's attitude


Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking at the time. I always imagined her as a jolly person, but given her circumstances I think she would probably be a little more defensive. Maybe if I take it further back, show her how she was BEFORE the accident. I won't make the story any more unique, but it may give it an arc, which is an aspect this script needs.


Quoted from KAlbers
The dialogue is great, you build great conflict, but then you get a little too on the nose with exposition.  "You said you wouldn't drink. You were supposed to be the sober driver"  I think the title could work here, not only  is Rocky in a wheel chair because of his friend, but Fred "walked away" unscathed from the accident.  This resentment could help with the subtext between them and draw out the whole story without it feeling contrived. (Just a thought)


When I was writing that line never really struck me as on the nose at all. Reading back on it, I can see your point. I'll see what I can do with it.


Quoted from KAlbers
Side note: What does the line "I stuffed up--" mean? (Maybe I'm the only one who does't quite get this line)


It's basically a euphamism for "I fucked up..." As I originally wrote this for a teenage competition, the language used had to be at a PG level ;D


Quoted from KAlbers
Finally, although I get what you said about the "don't drink and drive" message, but the suicide at the end I think skews it a little. Its not okay to drink and drive but okay to commit suicide? Not that I believe you think suicide is okay, just, it's Rocky's solution for his situation.  I don't like that, it supersedes, drinking and driving is bad, with; if you're dealt a crummy hand in life, it's not worth living. I don't think you need a Disney ending here, but this to me is the issue with the current ending. Two tragic events don't make a right


I agree with you 100%. That's some quality critiquing. However, Fred doesn't actually commit suicide on screen. I was trying to set up a sense of mystery... Did he actually do it? I've been told before that even though it wasn't my intention, it seems that Fred ends it all. I guess that was a failure with the writing on my behalf. I wanted the reader to leave the script wondering, but if that hasn't come across, then yeah, I'll definitely have a look.

You've brought a whole heap of new stuff to the discussion mate. Don't underestimate your reviewing ability. You know your stuff. Thanks for having a look at it. Your feedback is appreciated :)

Cheers,

Dan
Posted by: ABennettWriter, November 26th, 2012, 4:41pm; Reply: 39
Hey Dan. Another great script! I've read a majority of the comments and I agree with them but I wanted to put in my thoughts on the story itself. Sometimes the dialogue is too on the nose, but that can be fixed. One thing no one else has pointed out is that Fred came across much younger than 18. More like 14.

Why does Rocky visit Fred today? Is it a year later? A week later? Is it Fred's birthday? Why didn't Rocky visit yesterday? Why doesn't he visit tomorrow? Doe she visit everyday? It almost seemed like Mom expected him. Maybe he tries to visit everyday but he's constantly turned down?

With the mother, since there's no conflict with her (Except the weird name line), I'd cut out the beginning and start with Rocky in the bedroom. If you want the mother, then make it harder for Rocky to get inside. Especially with shorts, there must be conflict from the opening scene.

It comes across really preachy. I knew what it was going to be about when you mentioned the wheelchair. What are you trying to say about drunk driving? "It's bad" doesn't work for a theme. It's obvious Rocky feels bad for what he did, but it also seems like he's already moved on. He isn't anxious to get it over with, shown by him flicking rust off his car. If Rocky's already moved on, then I haven't even caught up. Fred, on the other hand, is angry and isn't going to get over it anytime soon.

This description's weird. "Fred running at full speed." Do you mean that he's a blur against a still background? How does a photo show someone running at full speed? Seems off.

I'm assuming Rocky is too distraught to eat? Cut it. Rocky at the track? Didn't get it. I don't understand the "He smiles at the memory." crap. NO BODY DOES THIS. EVER. We may look at something and go, "Oh, I remember that" and then we move on. No one stands, swept away in the memory, for hours. Maybe if you're at a graveside, but even then, for an audience, the moment is over.

If Fred is sorry, why is he doing it? Why today? Why not yesterday? What if Rocky came by tomorrow, and Fred killed himself today? How would the mom react to him then? How would Rocky react to the news? What if Rocky came by as Fred was about to kill himself? What would their reactions be then? You've got a great scenario but it needs to be fleshed out. Nothing in a short can be coincidental. You don't have to tell the audience everything, but you need to know everything.

This could be a strong story if you don't go into preacher mode. Write a movie, not a Public Service Announcement.
Posted by: danbotha, November 26th, 2012, 5:19pm; Reply: 40

Quoted from ABennettWriter
Write a movie, not a Public Service Announcement.


;D ;D Got a good laugh from that one, AB :) Maybe I should try and get this sold to the people who run those "Don't drink and drive" ads on TV. I'm, kidding, of course.

Thanks for the feedback. As always, you've given some decent food for thought. I appreciate the time you've taken to read it.

Wow, going into "preacher mode" was not my intention at all. Sorry if it came across that way. I think Rocky flicking rust off the car shows how nervous he is. It shows how much he DOES care, as opposed to the complete opposite. He is anxious... He knows what he's about to go through and he doesn't want to do it. It doesn't mean he doesn't care.

I think the writing as a whole needs a touch-up. Thank you for your suggestions on that part.


Quoted from ABennettWriter
  I don't understand the "He smiles at the memory." crap. NO BODY DOES THIS. EVER. We may look at something and go, "Oh, I remember that" and then we move on. No one stands, swept away in the memory, for hours.


Yeah. that's just me trying to sensationalize the entire piece. Maybe a little over the top. I tend to do that with my dramatic pieces. I'm still learning how things come out on film.

As always, thanks for the feedback.

Cheers,

Dan
Posted by: ABennettWriter, November 26th, 2012, 6:49pm; Reply: 41
I'm surprised no one has brought up the title. Along with the logline, I thought it was going to be about the effects of bullying. WALK AWAY doesn't work in a movie about drunk driving.

I don't have any suggestions but I think you could come up with something better.


Quoted Text
Yeah. that's just me trying to sensationalize the entire piece. Maybe a little over the top. I tend to do that with my dramatic pieces. I'm still learning how things come out on film.


While it reads good on paper, all you've got is a guy starring into space. It doesn't translate.
Posted by: Don, January 11th, 2013, 9:28am; Reply: 42
Posted by: CrusaderVoice, January 12th, 2013, 12:31am; Reply: 43
Dan, I liked the script a lot better than the finished production.

I'm going against the grain on some of the comments.

I don't think it's completely out of place the mom greets the kid warmly. It's not likely, but under some circumstances it IS plausible. Something implied that he's been so close to the family that she thinks of him as another son. And while it may be very hard for her, she can't help but to forgive and maintain some kind of relationship (something worked in where that's implied could work). Same thing if it is worked in that she is a devout Christian. And maybe it has been something very difficult for her to work through, but she's been able to forgive (again, something worked in either directly or with some subtext could work...at least for me; I'd accept that premise).

It makes sense that a U.S. version of this changed the sport to American football. If a script makes American football stick, then change the running part to a 40-yard dash. A 40-time is something American football players are measured by at every level of the game.

I had no real issue with the ending. It is not a pleasant tale, anyway. Don't hold back. If you want to shake people up and get their attention, I wouldn't soften anything.
Posted by: danbotha, January 12th, 2013, 1:09am; Reply: 44
Thanks Crusader.

Yeah, I think there are elements that could have been handled better in the film. Then again, I can't really say anything as I doubt I could have done a better job myself. I'm very aware of the fact that I write certain techniques into a script, expecting others to be able to handle it, when I have no idea how I'd do it myself. For example, I'm a big fan of Flashbacks and try to use them wherever I need them. In this film, the Flashbacks hardly show through, but I couldn't do a better job myself.

Go against the grain all you like! It's always good to see a different perspective on things.

I think the Director's made a good decision with implying the closeness of Rocky and the mother as if he was another son. It certainly wasn't something I implied in the script, so good on them. Typically I avoid religious themes in my scripts. Don't get me wrong, I am openly christian, but I avoid preaching in my work. I know people get annoyed when they see others forcing their religion, so I avoid situations like that. I do agree with you, however, that Mrs. Hind could be a devoted Christian who can only see it as right to forgive Rocky. It makes sense. Like films, poetry and novels, scripts are open up to interpretation so it's good to see people having their own take on things.

Initially I was annoyed that they had changed Fred from a runner to a Football player, but as you've said it does make more sense.

Hehe, I'm not sure if you've read any of my other shorts, but I don't usually hold back when it comes to saying things how it is in scripts. They all tend to have some message. That's why I like Drama so much. It's the best genre if you want to create a character-driven story, IMO.

Anyway thanks mate. Your time and feedback is greatly appreciated. Awesome stuff.

Dan
Posted by: Forgive, January 12th, 2013, 6:11am; Reply: 45
Hi Dan - congrats on getting this produced - I'm sure it's not exactly how you wanted, but that always happens as there's always going to be some interpretation  from the director - and I guess he and the producer are beginning their craft too ... but well done on this - it's a good job :)
Posted by: Electric Dreamer, January 12th, 2013, 11:05am; Reply: 46
Hey Dan,

Check out that credit! ;D
Good for you, man!

I know it's not cinema ideal as it probably was in your brain...

But getting produced is getting produced.
And seeing another budding artist's interpretation of your work must be a thrill. ;D

Someone should tell the director though that Trent Reznor called...
He wants his score to The Social Network back! :P

Way to go, Dan!

Regards,
E.D.
Posted by: irish eyes, January 12th, 2013, 12:56pm; Reply: 47
Congrats Dan, you're really coming along way and you're not even 9 yet :D:D just kidding... 10

Well done buddy, just  keep building your resume.


Mark
Posted by: DV44, January 12th, 2013, 3:57pm; Reply: 48
Congrats Dan,

I enjoyed the video, nicely done. Soooo jealous!  ;D ;D ;D You've come a long way in a short time and I hope you continue the success with future scripts.

Best of luck!

- Dirk
Posted by: danbotha, January 12th, 2013, 4:34pm; Reply: 49
Thanks everyone. It really is great to see my name on a film. Glad to see that I got to these people early enough to let them know that they were in breach of copyright. They're nice enough people, but I don't regret putting my foot down. Hope they don't refuse to pick up a short of mine because they got scared.

Simon: I'm open for director's adding their own interpretation. It's great to see them taking the work from others and utilizing that to the best of their abilities. It's just an interesting experience to see your work play out differently from what you originally planned... It's by no means a bad thing though.

Brett: Thank you. You're right. I've been produced and that alone is an awesome feeling. Someone out there chose to use my work. It's great to have that recognition under my wing. I did wonder where that music came from... Should I file Copyright on that as well?? ... :P

Mark: Thanks Mark. Good to see I've made progress. You're off my age by about 5 years though... I'm only 5 ;D Building that resume. Wanting to write my first independent feature length this year. I'll submit it to SS, for a butchering and then fix it up and submit it for another butchering. Thanks Mark.

Dirk: Keep up the way you're going and you'll see something on film soon. Thanks man. I'm hoping to see another three produced this year, but those deals could fall through at any point. Fingers crossed for the best.

I really owe a lot to the folks here at SS. From that very first review, I was immediately hooked on improving the craft. Even now, I'm still looking to improve. It's been less than a year and I'm already seeing the benefits. Thanks everyone for their time and awesome feedback.

Dan
Posted by: Steex, January 15th, 2013, 3:03am; Reply: 50
Awesome, Dan!!! :)
Posted by: danbotha, January 15th, 2013, 4:23pm; Reply: 51
Thanks James :)
Posted by: Reef Dreamer, January 15th, 2013, 4:35pm; Reply: 52
Hey Dan, well done. Not sure what is more impressive, being filmed or finding the film maker who did it!

I suppose it's nice to think that there could be a whole family of my scripts running around out there that I don't know about. Maybe not.
Posted by: CoopBazinga, January 15th, 2013, 10:40pm; Reply: 53
Congrats, Dan. :)

It's great that you got the credit that you rightly deserved.

I'm sure this is just the beginning for you...
Posted by: danbotha, January 15th, 2013, 11:11pm; Reply: 54

Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Hey Dan, well done. Not sure what is more impressive, being filmed or finding the film maker who did it!

I suppose it's nice to think that there could be a whole family of my scripts running around out there that I don't know about. Maybe not.


Thanks Bill.

Both of them combined is pretty cool. The experience has made me somewhat paranoid lol. Whenever I get bored, I usually do a quick scan over youtube... Just in case.

I was thinking the other day if we should have some sort of law team on SS... Volunteers who search for randomly selected shorts every now and then just to increase the chances of finding something. At the end of the day, this copyright issue was nothing, but who knows? There could be someone out their profiting big time off stolen content on SS. These are the things I think about when I can't get to sleep ;D ;D


Quoted from CoopBazinga
Congrats, Dan.

It's great that you got the credit that you rightly deserved.

I'm sure this is just the beginning for you...


Cheers, Steve.

Stoked to see the credit in a film. No matter how small, it's still great to see.

Hopefully we'll see more films with my name as the writer in the near future. Who knows what this year may bring?

Dan
Print page generated: March 29th, 2024, 12:16am