The Man in Black by Ryan Rodriguez - Short -  After being mugged, A troubled man is mysteriously kid-napped and awakes in a house locked-up with a psychopathic murderer. 22 pages - doc, format :)

Hi there,

I opened this...first off, you probably need to upload a pdf file. Some folks won't even open it if it's in word.

Also, writing software will help you with the formatting. Nowadays, we don't see scenes numbered and a spec will not have all the camera directions. It is a hinderance to the read. Slugs also need some work. But nothing that can't be fixed :)

Another thing, when you describe your actions, you do not have to describe each thing your character does...write it like you're watching the movie...visualizing it.

I didn't get past the first page, but I'm sure you have a story to tell. So my advice is to read some screenplays, get software(Celtx is free I believe)...and then rework this.

I'll be happy to take another look in the future. Keep writing.

Hey Ryan,

I was pretty impressed at the beginning of this story, very nice pacing and dialouge was good. After the van driver put on his glove and left, he drove off with your story too.

Starting with characters, who are they? I was probably more confused than I have ever been during a read, mostly from the characters. Are these the same people at the gas station? There was a point in your story where I thought the victim might have been the killer, but that wasn't the case. The protagonist had no bearing in the story, poor execution.

As far as the plot goes, I get it, but I don't. Why was the protagonist in the house to begin with? Was he the theif? What happened? What was up with the explosives? Were they planted there in case the killer has to blow up his man cave? You started out so strong, it felt like you rushed your script.

Okay, what was up with the ending? The basic concept of a storytelling is drive>conflict>resolution. You got plenty of conflict in there, but you need the bread to make a sandwich. If the setup or drive was part of the opening scene, then it needs to be tied into the conflict, otherwise you might as well have two different stories. Characters need to be defined and easily identified. I hope I helped out some, thanks for the read.

Johnny

Hey, ryan here. Thanks for the feedback and critisism. I am glad it kept you intrested to read all the way through though. I thank you for telling me where I went wrong, and will work on it in furthur writings. When I read it again, I see some of the things you mentioned. I might make a better version. Thank you for your opinion.