The Bound Man by J. Wierzbicki (steex) - Short, Thriller - After his family is taken from him, a father seeks out the man responsible-- to exact his revenge. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

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If I were a teenager, or a completely ill-read adult, I would think that this was a great story. But since I'm not a teenager and only a partially ill-read adult, this story doesn't work for me. It is an intriguing page turner--held my interest but in the end wasn't satisfying.

SPOILERS

The premise of a psychopathic family living normally just doesn't ring true. The few known to history usually lived on the margins of society--antisocial, isolated and insular. What you present is just implausible.

In your effort to shock, it could be said that you are celebrating evil. A serial killer isn't a sympathetic character. Who cares if he is upset that his crazy family was brought to justice!

After reading this intriguing page turner, I didn't care.
Despite the negative--remember you seem to know how to tell a story and how to hold the reader's interest.

Best regards
rmaze
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http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/ACOWBOYSBURDEN333.pdf

Quoted from rmaze If I were a teenager, or s completely ill-read adult, I would think that this was a great story.

And that is why I enjoyed this one so much ;D

Hey James,

As you were my first ever reviewer, I feel like I will forever owe you a favour whenever you post a script. Let's just say you will have at least one person to review your work as long as you keep posting.

Right off the bat, I picked up a few rookie mistakes such as page 1 being numbered as page 2 and the use of 'we' throughout the narrative. Other than these few mistakes, there really isn't much I can say.

In terms of the story, you had me guessing throughout, which is always a great thing to see. I didn't end up working out that twist at the end, so great job there.

Have to say, I disagree with Rockland when he says that you celebrate evil with this one. It's a nice little twist that works well with the story. You force us to sympathize with this evil and it almost makes us feel guilty at the end. That's the sort of thing that works well, IMO.

Cheers,

Dan

Not sure one has to be either a teenager or ill-read adult to enjot this. Interetesting analysis, though.

The big issue is more of a clarity. This needs a rewrite to make te read clearer. It would immeasurably benefit from adding an unknown element into the murder of Emery. Perhaps he doesn't struggle, which will subvert the expectations of Timothy and cause him to question his loss of power and how this may have been attached to the now dead family. Kind of a Samson scenario.

As the chap above said, you don't want to glamourise the killer, but it's tenuous to suggest you've done that. The fact the killer loves his family is not implausible. His anger is directed outwards and for you to show his conflict is actually quite bold - it just needs a rewrite to smooth the contours of what you're going for.

James,

I’ll admit that the story wasn’t really for me. Though it kept me reading and I thought you managed to put a new twist on a familiar scenario.

A few things that stood out to me:

p.2 (should be page 1) -- Get rid of the ‘we stay’.

Liked the way you set-up the premise through the news report. A few misdirections on the characters’ names to save for reveals makes for some awkward reading in places. The ‘Man’ at the beginning being Angry Man/Timothy for one.  

p.3 the ‘man in the chair’ consider revising that to ‘The Bound Man’ for a moment I thought the gunman was covering them from a chair.

p.3 Don’t need ‘A VOICE’ if you follow with ANGRY MAN’S V.O. as dialogue -- same thing.

p.5 You use the same technique to bring us back to the present but with the ANGRY MAN’S dialogue ‘O.S.’ Think ‘off screen’ would be appropriate as opposed to ‘voice over’ as it can be heard by the characters.

p.5 --

‘Daniel jumps to his fist...’

-- should that be feet?

p.7 -- watch the consistency with the flashback style in the slugs.

p.7 --

‘A man, (the bound man) walks up the steps...’

-- Perhaps just ‘The Bound Man walks up the steps...’

Is he a uniformed cop? You mention the walkie-talkie and holstered gun a little later, but wouldn’t we see this as he initially reached the house?

p.8 -- The body being dragged across the floor -- do we need to cut to an INT scene to see this if Emery can see it through the window?

p.8 --

INT. HOUSE - (FLASHBACK)

He makes his way through the KITCHEN and down the STAIRCASE. He comes to a closed door. He opens it to find...

-- This set-up seems awkward. How about if the slug included the KITCHEN i.e.

INT. HOUSE - KITCHEN - (FLASHBACK)

He makes his way towards a --

STAIRCASE

-- and continues down to a closed door.

Something along those lines.

p.8 --

‘A woman and her two teenage boys. Emery aims his weapon.’

‘He stands in front of Lisa, Daniel and Connor, gun drawn.’

-- essentially repeating the same action here.

Think capitals should be used when referring to ‘Bound Man’ and ‘Angry Man’ as these essentially serve as their names.

The ‘killer family’ angle could be a tough sell for some, especially when they’re shown as this seemingly typical family unit. What if we saw some of that ‘slaughter’ referred to in the newscast when Emery bursts into the furnished basement? It’s just too normal as written. Where’s the dead body that he saw through the window? (The late homeowner I’m assuming?)  

Does Timothy’s initial reference to his family necessarily have to mean a wife and two kids? Think you could be missing a potential double twist in here.

Good luck with this.

Steve.

First of all, thanks to everyone that took the time to read and comment on the script. I really do appreciate it.


Andrew, how would you suggest I add clarity? Also, I wasn't sure what you meant by "unknown element". I look forward to hearing from you.

Hey Dan!
Thanks for the kind words. I'm glad you liked it overall.

rmaze, I think you may have missed the point. If you heard on the news about a crazed family that murders people, but have a seemingly normal family, you wouldn't question it. You wouldn't be in disbelief. Just because Hollywood most likely portrays these families as outsiders, doesn't mean it's not possible. Stories shouldn't be about the typical, rather something more unique.
The story IS NOT about a serial killer. It's about a man that had his family taken from him. It shouldn't be till the end that you realize he is actually the bad guy.
It should make you have a bad taste in your mouth at the end. You should feel bad for rooting for the monster instead of the hero.

Thanks for the feedback. It was really good. I'm going to take a look at everything you suggested. I think it could definitely help.

Also, regarding the "WE see, move, stay, etc."
According to DoneDealPro, it doesn't matter. There are Nicholls winners that have plenty of WE's. The professionals say it doesn't matter. As long as your script entertains the reader and doesn't go overboard on the WE's or give too much camera direction, it's all good.

Bit of a frosty response, mate - not sure I like the cut of your jib. Makes me much less inclinded to help, which my original post was posted intended solely for.

Best of luck with it.

Hey Andrew, sorry if I came off as a jerk or something.
I really didn't mean to. I always appreciate all feedback.
I didn't mean to offend anyone. I wrote my comment quickly and looking back, it's not how I intended to come off.

Anyway, I really am interested in hearing any opinions you and anyone else might have.

Thanks!

Hey Steex. Thought I'd give this a quick read.

Feels to me like you're still trying to find your style, but it's a good progression.

I got the visual quite well, but I didn't think the writing quite matched it. That's not a bad, 'cos the story moved ahead well, there was tension, and a good gritty feel to it - it's just that story-constuction and writing are different things.

I really felt that the characters needed names - I think it suffered because they weren't there - it just de-humanizes things sometimes, and this is essentially playing at being a highly-charged emotional piece. Especially as Tim's essentially supposed to be 'us' - (as the question in the log-line is directed toward 'us'). Leaving out the 'Rickman' reference in the very first news report leaves that option open, as the names won't be seen on screen.

I think the flashback element works well here - two stories, each playing out in unison, both tense, both intruiging.

I think this is a good piece of work, to be honest. There's shades of QT's RD in there. On the believeability stakes, I'd go for making the kids a little older, but as far as a story goes, I really think that this works well - but it's the 'on film' that's going to hit - if we'd had names of people, I can't really see how this'd suffer too much - there's no surnames, so I don't get the give-away until the second reference to 'Rickman' - and then we're on to reveal territory, so it's cool.

The writing needs some work, and there was a couple of bits like this that didn't fit:

The angry man slices into the bound man’s stomach. He grabs the bound man by the jaw (...) He drags the knife down the bound man’s cheek. The bound man’s eyes widen. (...) The angry man raises the knife, drenched in blood.
(...) Blood flows from the bound man’s chest.
-- So was he cutting the man's cheek, or stomach?

And this:

He takes a swig from a bottle of booze. He places the bottle between the bound man’s legs. (...) He pours a stream of alcohol over the bound man’s head.
-- So why does he place the bottle between the guy's legs? (And there's no picking up of the bottle). Stuff like this needs tidying up some.

Last one - INT house night is the same place and INT basement? Needs a rework - you don't want to trip up producers etc.

Apart from that, I think that this is a very effective piece - the tension's worked well, and I think you've got a hefty twist there that's really not expected, so it works well up to and into the reveal - but scripts are production tools - I don't think you need to try too hard to fool the reader, as long as you've got a well-crafted piece that works well on the screen.

Best o' luck with it James.

@Steex

Give me a news link to this crazed family living normally. I can think of a few crazed families that made news, usually couples--husband/wife or parent/child but a couple with children, I need to see that. And I doubt that they were "living normally." Typically, when any member of a crazed family is arrested, they usually claim to be a victim too and cooperate with the authorities and turn on their relatives. The rest are usually capture as a result of the info the police obtained from the arrested family members. So the idea of "dad" hanging about after his entire family is arrested is suspect. And isn't the "premise" of this "revenge" story is that a mad man's family is jailed--not killed--so he futilely seeks revenge against the entire justice system by killing a small, tiny cog in a much larger machine-- the arresting officer? And isn't the conclusion to this story the murder of the arrestiing officer by the mad man? As I was reading it, I thougth I was reading a simple revenge story. When I learned the psycho was seeking revenge against the justice system by killing the arresting officer, I didn't care! But as stated before, this story held my interest, until the end, and you seem to know how to tell a story. I look forward to your response.

Best regards
rmaze

PS, I didn't think your first response was frosty.

You had the reversal at the end. I thought that you hit the same beat one too many times through out. Also, in most horrors, there's one suspect which you have but it's unclear if they actually committed the crime. But this seemingly works against the strategy you took with the reversal at the end. I guess the ending changes everything before, so it works.

I don't understand don't they show the killer in the beginning with the newscast thus we'd know what he looked like? Are they both officers? If so how did he make the force being a convicted murdered, maybe I'm confusing myself.

BLB

Hey SiColl007,
thanks for the read!
I thought you gave me some great feedback, and I definitely agree that the characters could use names. You pointed out some stuff I can definitely change. I really appreciate it.

rmaze,
What I meant by the crazed family living in a normal setting is that IF you were to hear about a story like that in real life, it would be odd and out of the norm, but not necessarily unbeivable. I, myself, wouldn't think that it was a made up story, but I am aware that it's not something that is common. I think that's why I like it. Not that it's super original or anything, but possibly a small twist on the types of "killer families" that we generally see in movies. But if there is a concensous that it is too far-fetched, I will definitely figure out how to alter it and make it more believable.

Also, I tried to imply that the man's family was killed. I used statements like, "you took my family from me," and "our last anniversary together". I wanted to make people think that the family was murdered, but never actually say it, rather have the reader make that assumption on their own.

My goal was to take a "good guy", someone that shouldn't be capable of murder and watch him slowly turn into a man capable of such a heinous action. In the beginning you should hope he takes the high road and not kill the bound man. But by the end, you should almost be routing for him. Then when you realize that they aren't quite what you thought they were, it should leave you with a bad taste in your mouth, knowing that you wanted an innocent man to be murdered. That was my hope, at least. It wasn't meant to glorify evil or anything like that, but more to make people realize that there is a very thin line between doing an utterly horrible action and what something might think is justified. I don't believe that the end is a twist, more of a change of perspective. I don't give any false information. I just withhold one key component.

I also imagine that a psychotic serial killer would have a skewed persective on reality. Since his family is still waiting to go to court, the only man he could take his revenge on would be the arresting officer. I could've showed how the angry man kidnapped him, but I opted not to. I took influence for this script from shows I've seen about gangs. A gang member might kill a dozen people and find it fun and humorous, but if one of their own is attacked, they take it personal and seek out revenge, even if they have done things far worse to other people. I could never really understand the logic that they think they can do horrendous things, but feel no guilt or remorse, but when bad things are done to them, it's a completely different story and severe actions must be taken.

Anyway, that is much more than I planned on typing. I'm really enjoying our conversation, though. Thanks, rmaze.

@Busy Little Bee,
I'm not positive, but I don't believe I have them showing any pictures at the beginning. You see the angry man walking, but nothing to indicate that he is the killer.
And no, they aren't both police officers.
I definitely need to go back in and make some things a bit clearer.

But the way it's supposed to be is, the angry man and his family most likely broke into another family's home and murdered them. Possibly a near by neighbor heard the commotion and called the police. The bound man arrived at the scene of a posibly domestic disturbance, probably assuming it was just an arguing couple. He walked up to see a post-killing, entered the house and detained three of the four members of the family. The father, who was out at the time, found the officer and took his twisted vengeance on him.

Thanks everyone!

Hey James.

Interesting little story you have going on here.  I definately liked it, but was confused during the read mainly because you gave the characters generic names in the beginning, so when  the reveal was coming as to who was who, there was already too much action going on and I had to go back several times to see who was who.

Because the names weren't ingrained in my head early on, when all the action was happening in the two different scenes, I forgot which one was Emery, Daniel, Connor, the gunman, the boundman, and you even refer to someone just as the man a couple times.

That's where I think the story has to be clarified.  We have to keep track of who's who, but I also don't think you should give away the ending by coming out and saying exactly who's who in the beginning.  I think this is an example where this story will work really well on screen when we can SEE who's who, but doesn't quite work in the script because we have to be TOLD who's who.

I also got lost at the end of whose house the slaughter family gets killed in.  During the read, I kind of thought that the cop tracked the family to their own house, but in one of your comments, you said they get caught while at some other house.

I don't know.  I think I read something wrong somewhere.

But otherwise, I think you've got a great story here, twist and all.  I felt bad for rooting for the bad guy the whole time and not knowing, and I think that was one of your goals.

Good job.  Interesting read.

- Mark

Hey, Mark.
I loved your feedback. I didn't realize that I did that with the names, but I completely agree.
That's the next thing I'm going to do. Reading again, I realize that it is definitely confusing.

About the house, I never say whose house they are at. Them being at someone else's house is the backstory I gave it, but didn't feel that it was necessary to explain it for the story. If this were to ever become a full length, I would go into detail.

Thanks for the comment, glad you enjoyed it!

Hey James,

Good job of visualization on your part. I loved the twist at the end. Plain and simple I enjoyed the story. Best of luck-

Thanks, DV.
I'm glad you enjoyed the script.

Thanks for the read and the comment!

Thanks for adding the film clip on here, Don!
Makes it seem cooler somehow.
:)

p.s.
The newest draft is up!

Hi James. I thought that I give this one a read. I give it 3 out of 5.
The idea was cool. The story was well written for the most part. But story lacked originality besides the fact of the twist. But even with the twist the story seem like it was Taken from Taken. lol. Other than that. I'll give you a thumbs up.

Thanks for the read and comment, Va.
Glad you (somewhat) enjoyed it.
:)
3 out of 5 ain't bad. ;)

James

Three pages in and I’m gripped, great stuff.

Not much to add here, this was a quality read, man.

I suspected there would be a twist coming, that it wasn’t just some grieving father taking revenge on the guy who took his family away from him. However, I didn’t see the twist coming, the police badge was a nicely played red herring to lead us down the wrong path and not in a manipulative way.

The prose is punchy and visual, some nice, phrasing in there, well paced also to keep the tension sustained.

I wonder how Timothy got to Emery after he arrested the other members of the Slaughterhouse Four, its left up to our own imaginations I guess. When you’re going back and forth between the flashbacks and Timothy’s torture of Emery and someone approaches the house I figured it was Timothy coming home and this confrontation led to the situation of Emery’s capture but that was obviously an incorrect presumption. Did you intend this? If so, well done.

Also, good structuring with the news anchorman’s V.O playing over the closing sequence of scenes.

Congratulations too on getting it filmed, always good to see quality work get noticed.

Great job.

Col.

Hey James,

Congrats on all the attention.
I can see why this is an attractive production.
Your pages kept my attention all the way through.

SPOILERS

There was one thing Timothy did that struck me a little odd.
The "madman" line.
It's phrased such a way we're to believe it's about Emery.
But of course, that's not the case here.
I question whether or not he';d refer to his altruistic self that way.

END SPOILERS

Still, that niggle aside, this is worthy stuff.
Congrats and keep us posted!

Regards,
E.D.

Hey, Kurtz.
Thanks for the read and the extremely kind words! :)
This script has definitely gotten mixed reviews, so I'm glad there are people out there
that notice the details. All of readers have said that it needs more torture.
I didn't want to make a torture porn script, I was going for more of an emotional impact.
Anyway, it's good to know I'm not crazy.
Thanks again!!!
:)

Thanks Brett!

I was on the fence about that line myself.
I ended up sticking with it because I wanted as much trickery in there as possible.

SPOILERS
Hopefully people will assume which is the madman and which is the cop.
And the fact that Timothy has the badge will help to reinforce the assumption.

Anyway, I really appreciate you taking the time to read it and drop me a comment.
:)

BTW, I uploaded the newest draft a month or so ago.
So, if you read the first draft (last fall), and are interested in seeing what's new, let me know if you like this draft better.

Thanks, guys & gals!
:)

Hey James, really enjoyed this one.
The one thing I didnt like was the dialogue from Timothy when he is beating up Emery in the chair. it just doesnt feel right, I realise you are trying to build an image that Emery has killed Timothys family but if there is any way you could be a little more subtle (and maybe SHOW more rather than SAY) then you should try to rewrite some of it. The twist at the end obviously necessitates this dialogue to some extent though.
I agree with Mark that some of this may work on screen but doesnt really read that well. I do like your descriptions and the general writing style. Good luck

Gavin

I also wanted to add that I do not think you were celebrating evil or trying to be sympathetic towards a serial killer. At the end of the day a character is a character that has a story to be told no matter if he is good or evil. I'd be interested in seeing this when it is completely finished filming.

Gavin

Hey Gavin,
I appreciate the read.
And thanks for taking the time to give your input.

Is there any lines of dialogue in particular that you didn't think felt right?
If I can see where you are coming from with that, it could definitely help me to fix the problems.
I absolutely agree with you though. I think I could do some more showing.

Thanks again!
:)

James, I thought this was well-done and a cut above a lot of the other stuff we see on here on a regular basis.  Nice twist about three-quarters through and I don't think it was contrived at all.  I would have felt better about the children being older--like 18 and above, because to think of younger kids as being a part of a murderous gang doesn't seem to set right in the overall picture.  

The dialogue didn't seem clunky by Timothy, but the anchorman did come off as a little bit of a cliche.  I don't know why that is, just felt that way to me.  All in all, I thought this was well-done.  Congrats!

Gary

Thanks, Hawkeye!
I understand what you mean about the Anchorman.
I feel the same way. I tried a few different things, but it always seemed to come
out stereotypical. :(

I appreaciate the kind words.

I dunno, ive re-read the dialogue a few times and it doesnt seem quite as bad as I first thought. But its still feels just not right. Im not fond of the line where he explains the knife being an anniversary gift. it might just be me tho, ya know being dicky :)

-Gavin

I'll have to go back and scrutinize of the dialogue a bit more.
Maybe I ran out of interesting things to say.
Hey, Bound Man... you uh... wanna get some pizza or something?

Thanks, Gavin.

Hmm. . . this was different.  At first, I thought this was going to be some kind of nothing-but-torture script.  It had shades of Mr.  Blonde and at times I pictured Michael Madsen and his dialogue from Reservoir Dogs during the “ear scene.”  Then it goes a whole different route and kind of floored me - but after some thought - I think it’s a story trying to be a little too clever.  However, I think this would be better filmed than on paper, so I’ll have to check out the movie and see what I think of it.

Love the clip! Looks good!

Congrats man!

Hey Reaper,
thanks for giving my script a read/comment.

Yeah, I defintely didn't want to do a torture script.
The main idea I had originally was to get the reader to feel like shit at the end.
Hopefully you feel bad for rooting against the good guy (and hopefully didnt know until the reveal).

I sort of engineered the script around that feeling/idea.

Thanks again!
:)

Thanks, Dena!
I love the way the scenes look so far too.
I'm really excited to see how the whole thing turns out.

I'll definitely post the whole thing when they're finished.

Hey Steex.

I read this script a few times and gotta say, I really enjoyed it.  Great job.

I can buy into a brady bunch/manson family kind of thing you've got working.  They say it's harder to write fiction since it has to make sense.  I absolutely agree with this so no problem there.  However, thinking about the kind of murdering sociopaths this bunch is, I'm feeling that you haven't really tapped into Timothy's true potential.

What I mean by that is that for a family to butcher a number of people and, by the looks of the "heart-warming" christmas setup, still blend in so well with society, they'd have to be absolutely evil.  With that, Timothy's dialogue and character fell a bit flat for me.  To me, I would have pictured him as a cross between the average american dad and Hannibal Lector.

I suggest really experimenting with Timothy's character.  Hard to place yourself in his shoes of a loving father/murderous freak but give it a real shot.  As is, it feels like a waste of a great and horrifying character.  Other than that, really great job.  I love reading psychological thrillers like this one and you pulled it off in my opinion.

Johnny

Glad you liked the script, John.

I like your advice.
I hadn't put much thought into making him more villainous.
I'll definitely see what I can do with him.

Thanks!