Eleven Eleven by James Williams (jwent6688) - Short, Horror - Shortly after being tricked into activating a curse she thought was to bring good luck, a young woman learns she has eleven hours and eleven days to reverse the spell before a demon comes for her soul. 25 pages - pdf, format 8)

As a fan of your script "Teaching With Violence" I was anxious to give this a read.  There's not much to say other than the fact that you delievered %100.  This creepy little tale made the hair on the back of my neck stand straight up.

Excellent format, great twist, the story as a whole - spot on.  

Hey James, glad you submitted this.

Has this changed from the one you sent me?  If it hasn't, it seems pretty pointless leaving my thoughts as you already know them lol.  

I will say that this a great short....with potential for more.

Thanks for the read M,

This was an odd length short I started a year ago. Finished a couple months ago and let it sit.  Tried to coerce Bert into giving me a Tanis intro/outtro. Always loved that part of Soulshadows. Unfortunately I never got to write one. This would've been my half hour episode...

Thanks for the advance read Alffy,

I haven't changed a thing. I'm lazy...

James

I have to say that was a fun read (what does that say about me??).  I rarely read a script with so few problems.  I even hate to mention one of them because it seems like I am picky.  I only wrote down one, and can't even remember the other.  I just read.  Good job with this.  Thanks for letting us read it.

Hey James,

Don't have much to say on this one, written with the self-assurance of someone who's not only comfortable with his craft but also with this genre and that comes out on the pages throughout.

Crisp, terse sentences which speed this along at a nice pace (I was worried by the 25 page count) but it never felt that long. Some excellent tension built with the video camera technique which feels done to death now in horror but it worked here so well done.

Characters well-written and memorable, even the bit-part players left an imprint with me which is impressive.

I guess the only complaint if you can call it that, more an observation, would be in a genre that can hardly turn out fresh material, this one feels so familiar (Drag Me to Hell and The Ring) come instantly to mind. Not that is anything wrong familiarity, I watch every Bond movie and they're always basically the same thing.

It was also nice not to have the usual pesky Gypsies cursing someone. ;D

Fine work - Good stuff.  :)

Thanks for the read Jeremiah, glad you liked it.

Coop, I owe you big time. I always scan the boards for scripts by members I know. If I can return the favor I'd be happy to.

I think part of the reason I let this sit so long is because I felt it was pretty vanilla. I can see the familiarity to other stories. Plus, it's just an odd length. I don't see anyone trying to film this.

At the same time, it does me no good to let it sit on my PC, so I posted it. I haven't written anything in a little while so it was time to shake off some rust before I tackle re-writing my feature... Which I have no ambition to do because re-writing sucks!

James

Mr. Cleveland, I agree with you...I always search for new scripts by members I know and it's few and far between lately.  I was very happy to see a new one from you.  Read this Saturday morning (majorly HUGE party weekend, BTW), and spent the rest of the weekend in an alcohol induced fog.

So, I had to open the script up again this morning to take some actual notes.

But, before we do that, let me give you my impressions from the read Saturday:

I liked it.  IMO, it's easily your best effort, writing-wise and story-wise.  Although some may say it's cliche or unoriginal, I'd say that what you did is something I always try and do, and you were successful here, in that you took something we've seen before, but alter4ed it so that it played out uniquely and we never really knew what to expect.

I agree the page length is "odd" or a problem, and this would be a worthy addition to Soul Shadows (as well as a perfect length).

OK, let's look a few technical things that may help, as well as a few things that were very impressive.

"CLYDE, 42, every bit as rugged as his name." - I was very worried when I hit this intro in your 2nd passage.  First of all, what is rugged about the name Clyde?  I don't know if this is serious or supposed to be a joke, but it doesn't work for me at all.  It';s also a classic fragment, missing a verb, which make the line rather meaningless to me.

"C.C." - Since you never tell us what C.C. stands for, using periods is unnecessary, IMO.  Look how it reads every time it shows up - kind of strange, IMO.  I'd suggest just "CC".

The fitness club scenes were a waste, IMO.  I think you've got like 2 or 3 full pages and I just don't see what they bring to the table.

Not sure what the Skynard song has to do with anything here.

I see this fairly often, and I always think there's got to be a better way - I'm talking about the psychic.  I just do not buy that Tina, or anyone remotely like her, would just hop into any old psychic readings place.  I understand the rationale behind these types of scenes, but I don't appreciate them, because they never bring anything new to the table.

Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, there are several scenes here that don't really need to be here.  You could chop this down to under 20 pages fairly easily, but that's still a long short.  Could it be expanded into a feature?  Maybe...it actually could.  Just a thought.

The dialogue exchange with earl and Tina is well done.

While I'm thinking about it, Tina has some issues with me, and they play off the earlier mentioned fitness club scenes as well as the camera setup stuff in her town home.  Tina is 26 and appears to be a trainer at a gym, for her job.  She lives alone in what sounds like a decent to nice place.  She can't make much money doing what she's doing, yet she's able to afford to have a guy come in and set up night vision cameras all over the place?  She's either too young and/or needs a higher paying profession.

Page 12 is both good and not so good, IMO.  I like how it would look onscreen, but I do not like how it's written.  We're looking at the screen, so I don't know why you repeat "a key is struck" over and over, as that is not on the screen.

Your "shadowy beast" is well intro'd and well described. I'm impressed!  The neon blue eyes on the screen are also well done.

It's a great twist you bring in soon after, in that Tina has to kill Saki - but, again, personally, I don't like how it has top be explained by the psychic.

I'm going to throw out another compliment in your little note from Dad with the gun.  It's these little things...these attentions to details that usually have no rhyme or reason that make a script/movie come off as "real" and believable.  I even like Tina better now, as I see a little of her life outside the script.  Good job here!

Probably my favorite part of the script is the stalking of Saki and the twist that hunted is actually prey.  Here's where you made this your own and it really works well, IMO.  The mall scenes, as well as the basement scenes.  All very impressive and well thought out.  Love the punch to her jaw, as it really wasn't expected by me at all, and I love how you changed the direction.

Pretty good wrap up as well.

All in all, a very solid script.  I'm impressed, James.  Good job, bro.

I am moving on. I have done the unthinkable. I have... Impressed Jeff.

Just gonna wallow in this for a day or two. Nobody can take this moment away from me!

Academy awards don't mean shit next to a JB thumbs up!

Yeah, yeah, he's got some gripes. I will address them, But I'm wallowing in moment for now1!!


James

Wallow all you want, my friend.  This is a fine effort.  Hopefully you get a ton of reads, because it's not often an actual good short shows it's teeth around these parts.

Hey James,

Had a look. Nice work. Apologies if anything is repeated but I try these days to stick to my notes and read others after, makes for a better comparison.

I couldn't make detailed notes as I went so here's a few "high level" thoughts ;

Title - like it, intrigues
Page length - bit long isn't it? for a short.

Concept - I like this alot, reminded me a bit of 23, the obsession with a number.

Scenes - for a short, you move around a lot. If You want this produced it would need to be slimmed down IMO

Balance - I like the flow. An early foreshadowing start that doesn't really go with the story but sets up the fear, the foreboding. Mind you, I did think the shot man had some super powers having been shot, but this doesn't appear to be the case later on. May confuse a touch. This leads on to the challenge, the realisation and the resolution.

Tina - you take a single girl and force her to be a killer. Nothing wrong with this but I feel you could have done with a little more suggestion that she is capable, has an aggressive streak eg does kick boxing at the gym. The scene in the mall with the ties, not sure that's the best, although I appreciate it gives him a chance to reverse the tables.

I absolutely loved the line about prime rib!!  Impressive.

Overall a decent script and a good idea which I think needs to be either;

Shortened into a punchy two/three location short

Or

And I think this is possible, extended into a low budget feature idea. The emphasis would be on the fear, the psychological affects, the ominous thought of being followed/tracked. Is ther ea beast, what is it, why, whats iit want, how can this be resolved etcObviously needs a lot more to it, but I like the idea. Amongst other things, it's catchy.

Cheers

Hey James.

Just saw this pop up on the boards this morning, so I took a read.

Pretty impressive.  It's definately my favorite of yours that I've read, and I remember really liking 'Teaching With Violence'.

However, as good and interesting as it was, there were a couple irks I had with it here and there.  One thing to remember before I start griping though, this is definately a very intriguing concept.

All right, a couple notes as I was reading:

I was definately into the story into the first 10 pages, but I think the scenes go by way too fast and the things that happen on-screen are a little too convenient for the story.  How it's always 11:11 and all that.  Of course this is a very fast paced story and a brisk read because of how short the scenes are, but I would have liked a little insight into her regular life and how she is.

The reason I say that is because I didn't totally buy into the fact that she would be a girl who would just jump right in and believe everything that's going on without questioning it, which is what she does.  She just automatically believes and automatically goes to a psychic to talk about it without ever thinking twice.

There's also a lot of awkward exchanges going on.  Like with her and Saki, then with her and Mrs. Reynolds, then with her and Earl.  I don't know if you were trying to go black comedy with parts of this, but some of the character exchanges were just reading a little too off-kilter for me.

Now I have a couple questions.

Saki passed it on to her so he would be freed of the curse, right?  But the psychic tells Tina that she has to kill the person who tricked her into it.  So can Tina just pass the curse on to somebody else and be free?  And why doesn't Saki have to kill the person who passed the curse along to him?

Reading on, I see that now not only does Tina have to kill Saki, but now she has to pass the curse on, too.  I guess it kind of answers my question above about Saki, but it's still leaving me a little confused as to what's exactly going on with the curse.

All right, one last gripe and I can go back to the compliments.

I didn't really like how at the end, Saki walks into the room afterwards and it's completely empty.  Then, after watching the video, Tina's suddenly back in the room.  It just kind of felt like a cheat to me.  Where did she go to?  Wasn't the room locked?  Maybe I missed something.

All right, back to the praises.

This is definately an intriguing concept and I very much liked the story as a whole.  I think this would have made a great Soul Shadows excerpt, which kind of brings me to the length of this story.

I have no problems whatsoever with 15-30 page shorts.  In fact, I rather prefer them because we have time to get into the characters, and I have no problem with this 23 page story.  But, I know producers and directors have problems with them.  I've come across a few directors who actually prefer the lengthier shorts.  Unfortunately, none of them are interested in horror stories, (which will expand the budget), so I can't exactly guide them to 'Eleven Eleven'.

But this could easily be expanded into a feature.  (You'll hear a lot of people say that, trust me.)  Now, I know you brought up your laziness factor, but trust me when I say it could be easily done.

I think we kind of need to see how Tina met Saki and why she would go out with a sleaze like that in the first place.  I'm guessing she met him in much the same way she tried to revenge-seduce him back.  But that doesn't seem like her M.O. from what we know about her in her talk with her mom.

Another way you could expand this is to have Tina delve in and find out the origin of the curse, which might clear up the confusion I had with totally understanding the curse in the first place.

Those are just some thoughts I had.

Like I said, all in all, I really enjoyed this one.  It had a great creepiness factor to it and you know I'm not that into supernatural stories too much.

Great job and good luck with this one, James, whatever you decide to do with this.

- Mark

Quoted from Dreamscale "CLYDE, 42, every bit as rugged as his name." - I was very worried when I hit this intro in your 2nd passage.  First of all, what is rugged about the name Clyde?  I don't know if this is serious or supposed to be a joke, but it doesn't work for me at all.  It';s also a classic fragment, missing a verb, which make the line rather meaningless to me.

I always thought Clyde was about as tuff as it gets when it comes to names. I don't know why, Even Jack seems tough to me because of all those years I watched him beat up the little rascals.

Quoted from Dreamscale The fitness club scenes were a waste, IMO.  I think you've got like 2 or 3 full pages and I just don't see what they bring to the table.

The problem with this is that it's either too short or too long. That scene is just to show Tina having a bad day. Then she touches red again when she see's the clock. She wants some good luck to fall her way.

I was trying to keep it interesting while the script goes through it's motions. It was difficult to write about someone touching Red three times whilst the clock strikes 11:11.

Quoted from Dreamscale I see this fairly often, and I always think there's got to be a better way - I'm talking about the psychic.  I just do not buy that Tina, or anyone remotely like her, would just hop into any old psychic readings place.  I understand the rationale behind these types of scenes, but I don't appreciate them, because they never bring anything new to the table.

I see your point. She is conveniently placed. But, Lucinda is the driving factor to the end of the story. Without this information, Tina has no idea what to do. I couldn't figure a better way to deliver it.

Quoted from Dreamscale Tina is 26 and appears to be a trainer at a gym, for her job.  She lives alone in what sounds like a decent to nice place.  She can't make much money doing what she's doing, yet she's able to afford to have a guy come in and set up night vision cameras all over the place?  She's either too young and/or needs a higher paying profession.

This is where you piss me off. I understand your gripe, but come on! Who's gonna question this sitting through a 20 minute film? I did say it was a quaint townhouse. And it only has one bedroom. Probably rent pretty cheap.

btw, I dated a trainer for years. She had hit and miss weeks. But you can average 50-60k as a trainer if you're willing to work. Other than that, yeah, they don't make dick.


Huge thanks for the review, Jeff. I know people see your name pop on their script's thread and cringe! I don't I look forward to it!

I remember reading your SoulShadows script! I just wanted to write one too!!!

James

Quoted from Reef Dreamer for a short, you move around a lot. If You want this produced it would need to be slimmed down IMO

Reef, Bill! I hope that's your name. I remember reading an OWC of yours and liking it very much. Funny, when I quote you it reads Sarre1.

This is a very odd length script. I don't expect anyone to produce it.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Tina - you take a single girl and force her to be a killer. Nothing wrong with this but I feel you could have done with a little more suggestion that she is capable, has an aggressive streak eg does kick boxing at the gym. The scene in the mall with the ties, not sure that's the best, although I appreciate it gives him a chance to reverse the tables.

Gotta just disagree with you here. I think the strongest part of the story is forcing her to kill someone and she's not a killer. It's either her or him as explained by Lucinda.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer And I think this is possible, extended into a low budget feature idea.

I think I will hear this a few times. I'm not sure I can expand this to an 80pg mark. I don't think the goods are there. Plus, I've found how hard it really is to write a feature. Shorts are easy.

huge thanks for the read, I probably owe ya at this juncture. PM me if you have something you'd like me to look at!


James

Hi there James,

Quoted from jwent6688 Gotta just disagree with you here. I think the strongest part of the story is forcing her to kill someone and she's not a killer. It's either her or him as explained by Lucinda.

Disagree with me! Who could possibly disagree with me, err...well, anyway moving on...

The reason for replying is that this actually raises an interesting point in scripts, namely plausibility. Often we are asking a character to do something they haven't before, or in unusual circumstances etc etc Do we believe it. Different genres seem to permit different things and to be honest i am still learning what is permitted.

One film i remember, An Innocent Man, has Tom Selick, who was an aircraft engineer i think, kill a "bady" in prison. I didn't buy it, even though his life was threatened. The way it was portrayed seemed too unlikely. Maybe that was me.

Whereas, in Romancing the Stone, the lead woman, a reclusive writer, fly's off to Colombia and starts an epic journey. Whilst the genre is different, i did buy this. Why? I think there a few reasons, including the actors, but  i suppose one reason is motivation. in RTS the woman is going to save her sister, she has to. We understand that, besides we don't yet know what is in store. So in affect it is whether she gets on a plane, which we all can relate. Can a passive guy, who hasn't shown much capability or violence, suddenly stab a guy in the shower and snap the blade leaving it in him - didn't work for me.


In your script, i can see your point, she is forced to, since there is a monster trying to get her and if she doesn't, she will die. OK pretty good motivation. I suppose where i was coming from was that, as this is a major jump,  to help the viewer/reader accept she is able to do this, if you used a scene in the gym where she showed her self to be capable (e.g. stands up for another woman against a big ugly man) we could have an image, not of a violent person, but one that wouldn't crumble under the circumstances.

I'll stop rambling now. :P :P :P

All the best

Quoted from james I don't expect anyone to produce it.

Don't anyone believe his bullshit.  He said the same thing about his train script.

:-)  What's up, James?

Quoted from james I think I will hear this a few times. I'm not sure I can expand this to an 80pg mark. I don't think the goods are there.

To reiterate what I had mentioned yesterday, I think you do have the goods here to expand, just the answer might not be there in your head yet.

The good thing about writing your own stuff is that you're not on a dead line.  Just sit back a couple weeks or months or so and just let the story marinate.  Other scenes and ideas'll come to you and you can let those marinate and then when you go back to revisit the hardcopy of the story again, see what pops up and if you want to go on from there.

You already wrote 25 pages.  Just do that 2 more times and you'll be golden.  :-)

- Mark

Youngstown!

Why haven't we grabbed a beer? You're like 40 minutes away. Actually, it would probably have to be a cup of coffee. Found out there's this pesky thing called a pancreas that most people have.

It will bark back at you when you drink like an idiot into your late 30s. I hope you're cooking up another nasty feature. Huge fan of your work, but I always need a shower after I read it.

Quoted from rc1107 I was definately into the story into the first 10 pages, but I think the scenes go by way too fast and the things that happen on-screen are a little too convenient for the story.  How it's always 11:11 and all that.  Of course this is a very fast paced story and a brisk read because of how short the scenes are, but I would have liked a little insight into her regular life and how she is.

Can't argue with you here. This story is very rushed early on. And yes, things happen very conveniently. I was trying to write a half hour episode. In which case, this should come in about 22 pages (with commercials). I'm already at 25. I blew it.

Quoted from rc1107 She just automatically believes and automatically goes to a psychic to talk about it without ever thinking twice.

I tried to write her a little reluctant at the outset. I didn't want her to seem like she truly believed in this "good luck" charm until strange stuff starts to happen. After it's too late for her. And, of course, my psychic is super conveniently placed in the story.

Quoted from rc1107 I don't know if you were trying to go black comedy with parts of this, but some of the character exchanges were just reading a little too off-kilter for me.

I love writing horror, but I always try to sneak some comedy in. I think, deep down, I like trying to get a laugh. It's not easy to do, but yes, I kind of saw this as a dark comedy while I was writing it.

Quoted from rc1107 Now I have a couple questions. Saki passed it on to her so he would be freed of the curse, right?  But the psychic tells Tina that she has to kill the person who tricked her into it.  So can Tina just pass the curse on to somebody else and be free?  And why doesn't Saki have to kill the person who passed the curse along to him?

My least favorite part of any horror is when things get explained. I can see your gripe. I thought I just gave you enough in the script, maybe I didn't.

Once you touch red three consecutive times the clock strikes 11:11, you have to do it the rest of your life. If you miss one, like Tina did, the beast comes for you. The only way to save herself is to kill Saki.

The beast isn't coming for Saki because he doesn't ever miss touching red when the clock strikes 11:11.

I tried to explain this with the opening scene. Dustin was told about this by Clyde. He misses touching red once. He has to kill Clyde or the beast will get him. If the beast takes Dustin, Clyde is freed from ever having to touch red again. Wow, that sounds awful to me now.

Again, I hate to explain horror. It's always that yawn part of the movie for me.

Quoted from rc1107 I didn't really like how at the end, Saki walks into the room afterwards and it's completely empty.  Then, after watching the video, Tina's suddenly back in the room.  It just kind of felt like a cheat to me.  Where did she go to?  Wasn't the room locked?  Maybe I missed something.

I should've written this better. Saki peruses the basement, but doesn't search every nook and cranny. Tina is hiding down there, waiting for him. She knows she has to kill him. He simply thinks the beast got her and can't wait to watch the film of it.

No need to quote your compliments, but I do thank you for them!

As always, I just post the scripts and hope they get some attention from a film maker. If they don't, I usually don't go back to work on them.

Did you watch So Pretty yet? Do while you can! It is the reason we write in this format, no?

James

Instead of throwing up a bunch of quotes, I want to say that I agree with some things Bill said.  I also agree with some things Marc said.  And, I agree with some of your responses.

How's that for vague?   ;D ;D ;D

OK, seriously, I think you do have the groundwork for a feature and I also think it would be better than this short.  I think you need some room for this to breath, as some have mentioned it seeming rushed and you have even agreed.  I also feel like you need to rethink your curse story and make it a bit more believable - as well as have some kind of rationale behind it.

Tina can be a cool character if you want her to be.  She can even be a kickass character, as you already have her working as a trainer at a gym (scenes that i called a waste, but these scenes could actually define her a bit).

First thing I'd do is expand your intro to 5 or 6 pages, which would be pretty simple.  From there, Tina and Saki's intro and first night together could easily be another 5 pages or so, and your already over 10 pages and leading into your inciting incident, right about where you'd want to.

IMO, you should lose the psychic and have Tina's Mom or a friend be the one who lets us all know of the legend/curse (and I'd revamp it a bit, as well).

As long as you can come up with some interesting "filler" and characterization, I see no reason why you can't move the mall scene back to page 40-45, and play it out longer, and lead right into a roller coaster finale.

You'll need some additional kills and creepouts, but I honestly think you could and should go for it.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer The reason for replying is that this actually raises an interesting point in scripts, namely plausibility. Often we are asking a character to do something they haven't before, or in unusual circumstances etc etc Do we believe it. Different genres seem to permit different things and to be honest i am still learning what is permitted.

I see your point, Bill, but isn't that why we write such incredible stories? I want the audience to identify with Tina. I like that fish out of water script. She is no killer, but she has no choice. She certainly does not dispatch of Saki with deft hands. It's a bloody mess. She was lucky.

I don't know about any rules. I've read all the required reading when it comes to scripts. I don't ever remember one genre having more permission to cheat rules over another.

And I loved an Innocent Man and totally thought Selick sold that role! Again, he wasn't a killer, but had no choice!

That's just probably where you and I will differ in our opinions.

Quoted from jwent6688 Tried to coerce Bert into giving me a Tanis intro/outtro. Always loved that part of Soulshadows.

Haha...so even without the positive reviews, I would have had to read this based solely on the ego strokes.

Yes, I am that shallow.  

Sorry that I put Tanis to bed before you wrote this -- and this could have been a nice SoulShadows episode, too -- I have no idea what the object might have been, but Tanis would have surely been dressed in red.

So, yeah -- back on topic -- this is a fine piece of horror, James.  A set-up that is unique (enough), a good sense of menace, and spots of humor that actually work without undermining the building dread.

It doesn't need much, really, but I do have a few things to toss at you.

First off, you hit on two peeves of mine.  Clyde would say it is Dustin's curse to BEAR, not bare.  Fix that.  The other peeve is vomit.  Maybe Tina is no killer, but does she really have to run over to the corner for a quick yak before asking Lucinda what to do?  A small detail that I would lose, personally.  

I am not sure why we are opening in the bar with C.C., as this seems a bit of wasted time.  I might have opened right up in some dank and dingy unnamed restroom.  Just something to consider -- and maybe even creepier than what you've got for that very lack of context.

I like the scene with the cameras, and I like what you did with Earl throughout the story.  Lucinda was a bit cliché, and maybe that is unavoidable, but I also think Tina finds her too easily.  There should be at least a little searching involved, you know?  The Yellow Pages...the internet....something.

I also wish the beast had played some sort of role is Saki's demise.  I get what you are doing with Tina, but at the same time, I was kind of like, "Well, where did he go?"  It feels like he should at least be around, and maybe even drop a hint that Tina’s ordeal is not yet ended.

All of this is nitpicks, though.  Personally, I am not sure this has the legs for a feature, but if you think you can pull it off, you are definitely starting with a good foundation here.  You could start with more torment for Tina up front, bringing Lucinda in later, and having Tina have to hunt Lucinda down instead of just stooping to tie her shoe.

I mostly like this just as it is, though.

Hey James

SPOILERS!

I would highly suggest to expand this until a feature. Don't know if you like these movies but...it's a combo of 23 and Paranormal Activity. The short doesn't due this script justice.

Tina's your protagonist. I would probably suggest getting even with out of her clients. :)

Other than that, it was a good read. And good luck at Sundance with So Pretty.

Hope this helps,

Gabe

Quoted from james Why haven't we grabbed a beer? You're like 40 minutes away.

Lol.  My excuse is work.  Now that you guys have a casino up there, as soon as I get things a little better settled financially here, I'll probably be visiting on a weekly basis.  We should definately meet up.

Quoted from james I hope you're cooking up another nasty feature.

Two, actually, although I'm taking my good old time with them.  Right now, I have a fire up my ass to work on some shorts.  I have a new one finished and a couple others that I'm rewriting.  Plus, for the past couple weeks, I've been brushing up a couple songs for a new band a few of us might get together.  (I think it's our mid-life crisis kicking in.)

Quoted from james Did you watch So Pretty yet?

I sure did.  I thought I left a reply to it on the thread.  I'll check again to see if it never posted.  (Sometimes my wifi times out after I hit post.)

Anyway, I'll see you later.

- Mark

James

Very smooth 25 pages.  Not generally a fan of horror but the way you told this sucked me right in.  Liked the use of the laptop and camera. Think that first image of the ‘neon blue eyes’ on the laptop (p.12) would be a great moment visually. Great story, well told.

Steve.

Hey James,

I saw that you had a new short up, and after enjoying Willowick so much I had to give this a read! As with the aforementioned feature, this was superbly written. The pages flew by and it read quicker than most 10 page shorts.

While not entirely original (it reminded me a lot of Drag Me To Hell), you took a story that works, gave it your own spin and the result is great. I particularly liked your characters, especially Earl.

My main gripe with this was that your idea is too big for a short. I know you've stated you don't think you could stretch this out to a feature, but I have to disagree. As a short, everything just seems to happen too quickly -- the instances of 11:11, Tina learning about the curse, her transformation from scared woman into would-be killer.

Not much seemed to happen to convince Tina to visit a psychic (the radio turned itself up, her computer clock glitched). Then after these minor events she believes everything the psychic tells her, and after finding an envelope in her microwave she panics and decides to have cameras put up all over her house. I think more weird, bad and scary things should happen to convince her that she's been cursed and is in real danger before she goes to the extreme of having cameras fitted.

On the subject of the psychic, she was the only character I didn't like. She seemed far too convenient for the story and has been done a lot of times before (and done better in Willowick). She seems to know plenty about the curse - how it's passed on, how it works, how to stop it. Yet when Tina asks her about the beast she just shrugs it off with "I don't know for sure. Never have." I wanted to know all about this thing! Don't add such an interesting creature and tell us nothing about it - Give it a back story, a mythology.

Maybe instead of going to a psychic, Tina could have a friend or colleague who's into all this kind of stuff and they work together to find out what's going on, starting online in forums & chat rooms etc to learn about the '11:11' curse and then having to delve into old books to learn all about the beast.

This would have the protag being more active & learning things for herself, rather than just being told what to do. It would also give the reader a chance to learn along with Tina, discovering more about the curse & the mythology of the beast.

Also, Tina's transition to a killer shouldn't be so easy. It was almost as if she learned she had to kill Saki, puked, and was then suddenly fine about it, ready to get herself a disguise and go bump him off. She should be horrified with what she's got to do, wracked with guilt and fighting her conscience, struggling with becoming a killer. Then maybe another terrifying encounter with the beast could push her over the edge.

As you can see, the majority of the issues I had (psychic aside) were caused because this is a short. I seriously think you have not only the foundation, but also the talent to expand this into a terrific feature. I really hope you change your mind and consider doing this!

Thanks for reading Bert, and some great notes too.

Quoted from bert First off, you hit on two peeves of mine.  Clyde would say it is Dustin's curse to BEAR, not bare.  Fix that.  The other peeve is vomit.  Maybe Tina is no killer, but does she really have to run over to the corner for a quick yak before asking Lucinda what to do?  A small detail that I would lose, personally.

My bad about the BEAR. I always mixed that up, but I won't again. As far as the vomit? Maybe it doesn't work because she's thrust into all this too fast.

If I ever were to expand this into a feature, I would definitely spend more time tormenting Tina and she wouldn't find Lucinda for advice so quickly.

I like the idea of the beast hanging around, but I felt it would be too hokey if he had too many more lines. Was trying to figure a way to end this without him even speaking at first. I'm glad nobody's found it cringe worthy at this point.

Thanks again, ever gonna post a new script or just keep waiting for another horror OWC to roll back around???

James

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Don't know if you like these movies but...it's a combo of 23 and Paranormal Activity.

Thanks for the read, Gabe. I was trying to kick around a bit of the found footage ideas like you would see in Paranormal Activity.

I like the scenes on Tina's laptop and then another scene only on the viewfinder of the cam corder. Just wanted to try writing it out to see if it was effective at all.

Don't remember liking 23, but I may need to give it another look.

James

Steve miles, thanks for the read! am glad you enjoyed.

SteveUK!

Damn, you continue to impress me with awesome notes.

Quoted from SteveUK My main gripe with this was that your idea is too big for a short. I know you've stated you don't think you could stretch this out to a feature, but I have to disagree. As a short, everything just seems to happen too quickly -- the instances of 11:11, Tina learning about the curse, her transformation from scared woman into would-be killer.

Agree, agree, and agree. This would seem a little too unreal and rushed at this page length. It could easily be 40 pages plus, but I think feature length would require a major sub plot, one that will need to tie into the story all nice and tidy like by the end. . I'll be thinking about it now. Maybe it could be more about the beast and where it comes from, what it is...

I do like the psychic, even though she can be a cliche. I would definitely make it harder for Tina to find her though. I do like your idea of Tina searching this online first. Maybe more and more knowing people start to avoid her like the plague when they find out she's activated the curse and the beast is coming. Lots of time for some good chills in there!!

And you're right again about Tina becoming a killer way too fast. I would really have to back her in to a wall to make it convincing. But I've got plenty of pages to do that.

Again, thanks for the reads and awesome notes!

James

Hey James!

Sorry for being late to the party, pal.
Been juggling three features and a move into a new house! ;D

But I've really wanted to dig into this one.
Always up for a read from the SS veteran gluttons for punishment!

P. 2
I dig how the dialogue teases the curse.
And the eyeball imagery is good fun.

But you also have three orphans on this page. :P

Saki sounds like a girl in the description.
Consider manning up your words there. ;D

P. 7
The psychic visit feels left fieldish here.
Didn't really get that Tina was the type to go for this.
Perhaps it's more like we're here too soon in the tale.

P. 12
The "key is struck" parts read chunky.
Consider something like...

Tina split screens the camera views on her monitor.

P. 15
Hmmm, I wonder who dad is.

P. 20
I dig the camera set up.
Would play very well on the screen.
You found a fairly clever way to get a found footage element into the piece.

P. 23
The prime rib line is funny.

Finished.
I like the concept and the short worked for the most part.
But the climax fizzled a bit for me.
I REALLY wanted to know why the beast preferred Saki to Tina.

I do think you can draw out the suspense much better in a feature.
The taunting was very truncated here.

Perhaps the key to the feature may lie in the reward before the curse.
If you want/wish for something with touching red, you get it.
But the cursed person didn't tell you that you're now part of it all.

Using people's greed/desires gives it that E.C. Comics delicious edge, IMO.

Good stuff, James.
I'd turn this into a feature over reworking Willowick, *IF* you're interested in a sale.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey James,

I've had my eyes on this one for a while now as I really enjoyed 'Teaching with Violence' and I was interested to see what else you could come up with.

Like 'Teaching with Violence' there isn't a lot I can say other than the usual I really liked it. It had me glued to the screen to the very end. You come up with some intriguing little stories which are just hard to love.

For me, it was a little too long considering the story that you're working with. Looking back on the script, I'm wondering if you really need that opening scene in the bathroom...? I don't know. It's not a pointless scene, but I do think the story could be told effectively without it.

Sorry I couldn't help (again! ;D).

Another great script from you. Admire your work :)

Dan

Brett,

Thanks for the read! Hope those features are coming along nicely. I owe ya whenever you need a pair of eyes.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Saki sounds like a girl in the description. Consider manning up your words there. ;D

I didn't do well on his description in retrospect. Just wanted a dark haired European fella.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer P. 7 The psychic visit feels left fieldish here.

It was too rushed. If I expand on this, I still feel the psychic is needed, but I could take more time driving Tina to seek her out.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer P. 15 Hmmm, I wonder who dad is.

Her father. Who else? I don't get how you were confused?

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Perhaps the key to the feature may lie in the reward before the curse.

Very good suggestion, you now have my mind searching!

Quoted from Electric Dreamer I'd turn this into a feature over reworking Willowick, *IF* you're interested in a sale.

Damn you! Well, you're probably right here, but I'm going with my heart and reworking Willowick first. I've got awesome notes on it thanks to you all.

Dan,

Thanks for reading and glad you liked it. I like the opening scene, I just like to jolt the viewer/reader to start out a horror. It's not a rule, just a preference.

Thanks for the kind words and good luck with your filming! I did watch your music video, but didn't post on it. I did like it, just felt everything I would've said was already covered.

James