Five Days for Redemption by Jeremiah Johnson - Short, Drama - A man loses everything in one day. Five days later he gets his revenge, and all he wanted was some ice cream.  9 pages - pdf, format 8)

So, Jeremiah, I've seen you posting reviews lately, which is always cool and saw you had no reads yet.  Quid Pro Quo is how it works, and that's why I'm giving you feedback here.

So, is your name a call out to the awesome old Redford flick?

Anyways...

I have a feeling this is 1 of your first scripts and if that's true, it ain't all that bad.  You've told a classic tale of sorrow and revenge, but did you bring anythign new to the table?  Nah, not really, but I rarely tell peeps that they have to come up with something unique.  I think you have to do the best you can with what you choose to write.

Be on the lookout for orphans, as you have an awful lot of totally useless little buggers running around looking for a family.  Easy to fix up, once you understand why.

Several mistakes in formatting, because your action is clearly a montage or series of shots several times, in which you didn't address the passing of time - which you always need to within a single Slug.

Some very awkward, long sentences that can easily be fixed up, but my advice is to seriously read each and every line 15+ times before you finish your edit.

Some grammar errors as well, but nothing too crazy.

General comments -

Dialogue - at times, really wooden and on the nose, but somehow, even with this, I saw some life here and some potential for good dialogue.

Structure - Not really sure what to say here...but I will say this - there are formatting errors in your timeline and structure here, but...and this is a BIG BUT...somehow, I kinda liked the disjointed style and flashback structure.  It needs some work, but without the non standard structure, it wouldn't be much of anything, so...I think you definitely showed a little imagination by altering the standard fare.

So, all in all, not bad.  Clean it up and it will read alot better. Good job and glad to see a ne face posting feedback for others.

Hey Jeremiah,

Interesting take on revenge but I have one issue with the beginning. I'm confused that Frank has a five day beard and blue jeans on. Than he approaches apt. 402, knocks on the door and Marie pops out of apt 201. + she's greeted by a clean shaven Frank who's wearing a sport coat and slacks. My only guess is that after he knocks on apt. 402 things should stop for a flashback. Maybe I'm missing something. All in all not bad, as Jeff pointed out things need to get cleaned up a bit but I liked it. Best of luck on future scripts.

Hey Jeremiah,

Gave this one a read.  It kept me entertained and the structure really saved it from being another hum-drum revenge story.  Some of the actions lines confused me ("tires yelling", "staring at the marker") and the two lovebirds not being able to find ice cream at ANY store is a little far-fetched.  The script needs a good cleaning up but otherwise your idea and performance are sound.

Oh, and the last line cracked me up.  "All I wanted was some f***ing ice cream!"

Gage

I didn't even know this was posted yet!  A big THANKS for the read guys.  I really want to shoot this myself sometime next year.  Microbudget.

@Dreamscale, yep... I live in the mountains and am reminded of that flick almost every day.  His is just a movie, mine is my life!  Thanks for the comments.  I am trying to clean this up a bit.  I know some of the dialog is a bit on the nose, but my problem is - that's how I talk!  I am working on it and you are right, this was my first short.  I did go for a little unconventional with some of the formatting, but will look at it again.  I really was just trying to get the story out there.  Even though I re-read my stuff, I still miss some of the obvious mistakes.  I am going to try the "read it from the end to the beginning" to see if it helps.

@DV44, when he walks up to aparment 402 and then apartment 201 opens, I am trying to tie in the first scene with the last scene.  Hope that makes sense, because if you notice the last scene he has the same five day beard going.  I might make more sense on film.  That is why I want to film this.

@Gage, thanks for the comments.  The "tires yelling" was just so I didn't put the every day "tires screaming" in there.  Just to spice things up a bit!  It wasn't about them finding ANY ice cream, but a SPECIFIC ice cream.  It is supposed to mean something at the end.  Glad you liked my last line.  Again, I hope to make this one myself and am thinking of having him say this line and even a tear roll down his cheek.  Too sappy?  Maybe.  Just a thought.

Thanks again to anyone who reads this and gives me any feedback.  I have enjoyed this site and hope to contribute as much as I can.  My job just keeps getting in the way of my writing and fun!!

Hello Jeremiah,

I think you read one of mine so happy to return the favour.

Overall i liked it but there is some confusion;

1] the start with the different rooms always made me feel there was twist on the way, that she lives, which didn't happen. Be careful not to lead your viewers/readers up the wrong path without a solution.

The first Super of today, i think you could drop this, everything else in then in the past from that scene.

2] dialogue - i quite liked some of this, the woman/man interaction was good - having said that if they were going to be engaged, possibly it should have been a bit more natural rather than first date ish -  although at the end could do with a few tweaks.

Does he need the policeman's help?

3] Punks - he bumped into them in the apartment block, so the first place to look - why does he need to know where they are?

4] the excessive search for ice seemed a tad over the top, yeah one shop, but why others what does that add. all you need to do is set up the scene

Shorts often need a twist, a payoff. I didn't feel like this had one. He's angry, wants revenge, shots one of them, the end.

if you wanted a cheesy twist why don't you find they have the rocky road ice cream which he walks off with? or something like the answer phones goes off just after he's killed the punk only to hear its mother talking of him coming around for sunday lunch etc etc did he do the right thing style of finish?

All the best

Reef,
Thanks for the read.  You have brought up some good points.  I am looking at a rewrite on this so I really appreciate the feedback from people here on SS.  To your notes:
1.  I don't think it came off on paper like I see it play out on film.  When he first walks up, it should be the same as the end when he walks up.  When Marie answers, is when it goes back to the five days earlier.  I will look to see if I can word this better.
2.  I still have trouble with my dialogue, but continue to work on it.  My biggest problem is I talk on-the-nose, so I have to think how it should be done not how I do it.  I kept the couple's playful talking/manner in there to hopefully have the mood of the romance/sexy feel.
3.  Does he need the cop?  Really, no.  I have experienced someone dying, and I was a mess and couldn't think.  I put this in the story because I hoped to portray him being too upset to "figure it out", so I used the cop to provide the address.  I can easily change this.  You aren't the only one to question this part.  Yes, the punks were seen at the complex, but with 4 floors of aparments, it could still take a while to find them.  Maybe, if I have him sit out there in the parking lot thinking about Marie dying, it would give it more emotion when he sees them again and follows them to their apartment - and their ultimate doom.
4.  Yeah, I will probably change this to only one location.  It was Rocky Road ice cream, so it's kind of specific and it has meaning in the end.  Heck, I made the whole story based on that last line!!

Someone else has suggested that he finds ice cream at the end, possibly in the aparment of the punks.  Something to really finish it off with that last line.

I know there really should be some sort of twist, but I really just made this about that last line.  I might think more about the ending and come up with something else, like Marie still alive and he was just daydreaming about all of this.  Then her last line is, "Hey, do you want some ice cream?"

Thanks again for the notes.  I will try to bang a rewrite out pretty soon.

Hey Jeffrey,

I thought I would give this one a quick read, you’ve been busy leaving feedback for others.

I do like a good revenge tale. I like nothing more than the Stath (or any other action star) going around killing people in an act of vengeance of a loved one – you can’t beat it, simple and to the point.

But I have to admit to be a little bit let down with this one. The ice cream scenario felt like such a stupid dilemma and you had done some good work with the relationship (engagement ring and all) and then let it down with such a lame thing like “we need ice cream”

I would also have liked to have seen more of these punk antagonist’s or least felt them more as a threat… they came across a tad boring for me. Maybe if you install a scene showing them actually rob the CONVENIENCE STORE and kill Marie, then they could be more effective.

So… not a bad revenge tale but I would like more depth to the antags as they are vital to a solid revenge story, the audience have to hate them as well as liking the protag so give their (Frank’s and Marie) not such a boring problem as ice cream.

I also didn’t care for the pay-off, it felt too easy for Frank to know a higher profile cop with all the info and the end resolution gave me no satisfaction at all. In these types of stories, you have to make the reader/audience want these antagonist’s to get what’s coming to them and I don’t think you achieved that here.

The writing isn’t the best, clunky at times. I want to throw this out because it’s confusing; I think you got a little but mixed up at the beginning with the flashbacks/supers somewhere. He taps the door with a full beard and pistol but the door open to Marie? Get this cleared up.

Otherwise, it’s adequate enough, and I was never really tripped up although there did seem to be a need for a “SERIES OF SHOTS” for the dinner scene.

For a revenge tale, it’s simple but could be a lot better if you expand it and give the antags more of a threat… make the reader hate them.

Good luck and keep writing. :)

Steve

Steve,
Thanks for the review!  This was my first short.  You are correct, there are issues.  Hopefully, some of the above comments will clear up the opening scene.  It still needs some work, but maybe you can see where I was going with it.  Let me know if you have any suggestions.  It is a short so don't worry too much about it.  I am thinking of shooting this myself sometime next year, so all of your/other suggestions are taken into account.

I wrote this story around the last line.  Probably not the best idea, but thought I would give it a go.  My hope is to clean this up and maybe even toss entirely the ice cream bit.

You are correct about ratcheting up the punks role in the story.  If I amp it up, it might read better.  Agree, the audience needs to hate them to help justify the end.

As mentioned above, I will probably throw out the bit with the cop.  Increase the protags pain a bit.

I like the idea of SERIES OF SHOTS.  Will look into it.

Again, thanks for the review, notes, and kind words.  I will try to contribute to the site as much as I can.

Hey Jeremiah

I liked this little short, it keep me intrigued til the end, didn't mind the whole ice cream chasing.

I just wasn't sure if the punks were tailing them the whole time, after all they had been they had tried a few stores and this was the only time Marie got out of the car or was it just a coincidence that Marie was in the same store, we're they only going in to kill Marie or rob the store?

overall a lot of other issues have already been brought up... But I still liked it

Good Job

Mark

Mark,
Thanks for the read.  Glad you liked it o.k.  It has it's issues, but I continue to try to improve.  I have a crapload of stories just waiting to get out.

Hi Jeremiah, I enjoyed the read, but I also agree.... some parts are a little confusing.

I was thrown off a little the way the beginning of the story transitioned.  I think it would be less confusing if the second SUPER: 5 DAYS AGO went directly after the Knock.knock.knock.

Also, another confusing thing for me and excuse me if it's irrelevant, but I was under the impression that they were still searching for "Rocky Road" after they fill up with gas, but Marie made the statement about the ice cream melting... IDK, again, possibly irrelevant.

Anywho, I enjoyed the read.  :)

Thanks for the read justwrite.  I think you are correct about the placement of the SUPER.  That is one of the things that needs fixing in the next rewrite.  The "before it melts" line is meant to be a joke and didn't come off like I wanted.  Here are other things planned for the next rewrite:
1. Take out the cop part.  I will probably have him sitting in the parking lot waiting for the punks.
2. Enhance the role the punks play, so more sympathy/justification for my protag.
3. Fix the ending.  Less cheese, more twist.
4. Amp up the pain.  Some suggested showing Marie getting shot.  I also might have the vision of punk#1 in Frank's mind as he waits for them.
5. Freshen the dialog.

More to come from this.  I hope to shoot this myself, unless someone with better time on their hands wants a crack at it!

Thanks again.

I think a cool replacement/ending to the cop scene would be that Frank finds himself in a grocery store--in the ice cream section--then he sees someone go for the Rocky Road. He looks up and it's none other than one of the punks. He's with his girlfriend, they have a shopping cart, and a kid in it. Fade to black, audience makes up the rest. Does Frank pull out a gun and shoot the punk? Confront him? Glare at him for a moment, before walking away? It's up to the audience.

Dan, thanks for the response.  I am not sure that is where I want the story to go.  I like some stories, as you said, where the audience has to figure it out.  I just don't this one is of that kind.  Maybe, you could take that and design a story around that kind of concept.  I want to keep the dark, emotional revenge angle.

Thanks for your thoughts.  I am new here as well.

Someone contacted me about filming this in the near future.  I have not done this before.  Can someone give me some advice on this?  I was thinking of filming it myself, but if someone else would do it, fine by me.  Do I just let them have it and just agree to them giving me "written by" credit?

Some of you have had yours filmed by others.   How'd you go about it?  Thanks in advance!

Quoted from Jeremiah Johnson Someone contacted me about filming this in the near future.  I have not done this before.  Can someone give me some advice on this?

Congrats! Getting a script filmed is a very exciting thing and I wish you all the best.

I'd say that the money aspect isn't very important with shorts, but if you'd rather get a little cash for your work, then don't hesitate to ask for it.

Make your terms VERY clear. Make sure that the director knows you want to get full writers credit. Have him write it down in paper, scan the agreement and have a copy sent to you.

Of course, don't forget to be friendly when you practically demand you get writer's credit ;D

Thanks for the response.  I do not need the money.  I for sure want the writing credit.  I hope we can work out a deal.  I still need to rewrite it though.

Congrats Jeremiah-

Very exciting to get your script filmed. Best of luck and get that rewrite finished.

- Dirk

Dirk,
Thanks for the encouragement, but so far he has not contacted me back yet.  He did send his cell phone number in the original message.  I might just give him a call this weekend.  I was wanting to know how to approach it first.

Might be something, might not be.  Thanks again.

Jeremiah,
Unproduced Script of The Day.  That's the only reason I found this.  Anyway, I thought it was taut, but not much suspense.  It ran quickly, with the images still flashing through my head.  And that's what a good script does, IMO...it plays out like a movie while you're reading, which this did for me.  I especially liked the graveyard scene...it was a nice break up in the middle.
A couple minor problems with action descriptions, but I like to focus mostly on story, and there's no lack of people here who can give you really great advice on formatting and things of that nature.
Would love to read something longer sometime.
Regards,
Steve

Steve,
Thanks for the read.  I didn't realize it was script o' the day.  I'm currently tightening this up a bit.  I was contacted about getting this made, but I haven't heard from him in a while.

I have a TV pilot up on this site, but didn't get a single read!  I am adding a love interest in that one to beef up the page count and plot.  

I have a feature that was a semi-finalist for the Kairos Prize, but currently it's in rewrite.

If you liked this, then you might like my next feature.  It is along this style.

If you have some of your work posted, I can return the favor with a read.

Thanks again for the review!

Hi writer.

The title is interesting, so I dig up your script. Haven't read the comments entirely before...
It's been a while you wrote this stuff, so I think you already took your decisions and developed the best way. I like the balance of the script, it feels organic, without having any deep sense. But that's cool. You mentioned you try to film it anytime.

SPOILER I would think about if the killers should be Punks. Punks are no killers. They can be violent in their political view, throw stones on cops, but they are no killer. Have you ever seen the picture of a murder in newspaper which showed a punk?

Travis Bickle in Taxi driver got a bit of a punk look, but he's more a racist. Some of these modern covered one. Maybe I don't get your description right. It just don't give a good picture if these pink haired style guys, exaggerated said, would run out of the store like killers. They aren't. Punks are no Psychos, they are sturdy and clear. They are no Robbers, too. More individuals who don't give much to money at all. Maybe there's more place in the Gothic scene- Manson look- to make it more believable. Just a thought if you get the chance to film it one day...  don't want to judge gothics by the way... well done

PrussianMosby,
Thanks for the read.  I did tighten a few things up so this is not the most current revision but not much has changed.  I am still looking to get this filmed.  I would like to film it myself, but right now my paying daytime job keeps getting in my way!!!  I will have some time possibly this Spring.

I understand your problem with my use of "Punks."  I grew up in the 80s so I know what your mean by talking about Punks.  I should really change it and describe them better.  You are referring to the Punks as in the movement, music, etc.  I'm using the term (incorrectly as you point out) as youth/younger that have no regard to others.  You are correct, the Punks you are talking about usually didn't kill like that.  The ones I'm talking about, would take your life if you just look at them wrong.  Not all are in "gangs" so I didn't want to imply that.

Jeff Bush (Dreamscale) would call that lazy writing.  He (and you) are correct.  I will look to fix that.

Thanks for the good comments.  This was the first short I wrote.  I think it would look good on film.

Thanks for keeping me on my toes!

Code FRANK (30s), five day old beard, tired, blue jeans and T-shirt slowly approaches Apt. 402.

In this description do you mean that he is tired or that his clothes are tired?

Code He pauses before he wraps on the door with the pistol in his hand.

Where did the pistol come from? You also mean rap. To wrap means to encase something. Also is he using the gun hand to knock the door?

Code KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK.

Not a huge fan of sound effects any more, particularly unnecessary ones. You've already stated that he's rapped on the door. The sound effects are now redundant and just waste a line.

Code Apt. 201 door swings open to reveal MARIE (30s), pretty and in a dress, excited to see Frank. A clean shaven Frank, sport coat and slacks, enters the doorway.

You said earlier that it was apartment 402. You also had Frank as having a 5-day-growth of beard. There's been no flashback transition. This is literally all in the same scene under a SUPER, labelled TODAY. So everything that has happened so far has supposedly happened in one day. Very confusing.

Code Frank gets out of the bed and starts to dress.

Try to avoid using starts or begins. Instead be more inventive. Frank gets out of bed and puts on his pants. Or, if you prefer it simple: Frank gets out of bed and dresses. Starts and Begins are usually unnecessary words, in that they don't add anything to the script.

Code EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - NIGHT Clothed Frank and Marie exit the apartment building.

No need to tell us they are clothed. Also no need for the word 'apartment'.

Code EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - NIGHT Clothed Frank and Marie exit the apartment building. As they do, three PUNKS (teens to 20s), pants worn below the waist, all have jackets - are about to enter the building.

The above reads messily. Be better to write something like: Frank and Marie exit the building as three young PUNKS are about to enter.

Do you actually mean punks as in punk rock? The trousers below the waist thing makes me think they are black. If they are black, just say they are black. Even if one of them is white, he's still embracing black culture and would much rather be looked upon as black anyway.

Code FRANK (POV from the car) NOOOOOO!

That isn't how you format a POV shot. Save parentheses for when you want to add inflection to what is being said. Even then, only use sparingly.

Code Frank just stares into the gravestone.

Again, keep an eye out for unnecessary words. 'Just' isn't needed. Also how is he staring into the gravestone? Is it made of glass?

Code Sergeant Harris steps in front of Frank facing the gravestone.

Bad sentence.

Code Looking down the hallway at Frank, he slowly steps inside.

Another bad sentence. This reads as though the Punk has stepped inside. Even though I know you must mean Frank.

OK, I got to the end. What happened to the other two punks? Wouldn't it have been better to have all three in the apartment together and have a real shoot out, maybe a little hand to hand... after all they did kill his wife. The dialogue at the end is bad. Where he says "All I wanted was some ice cream." after a single tear drops from his eye... I just cringed.

I sat and read through a lot of mundane shit for a very weak pay off. The earlier tough guy shit with staring down the punks didn't fly with me either. This isn't the 1980's. Plus he came off as being a dick anyway. A real tough guy doesn't need to play silly psychological games like that. Guys that do that type of thing are scared. That's actually a sign of fear. A real tough guy just wouldn't be worried at all. If that's what you were going for, your protag to look a dick, maybe as a mechanism for us to warm to him, then it fails. If you did it to make him look tough then it certainly fails.

The story is about revenge as the title implies. You have an eye for what makes a story work. The structure is good, works well for this particular story. However the pay off is weak and the earlier stuff too drawn out.

Dustin,

Thanks for the read.  You brought up some good points and will consider some of them.  You and Dreamscale just tell it like it is.  Sometimes that's what's needed.

As I said before, this was my first short and the draft uploaded is not the latest.  I've fixed a few nagging things, but see I need to peel it open again.

The "Punk" issue was raised in the comment just above yours, and I agree with you both.  That will be fixed.  Some of us "old enough" to remember the punks of the 70s and 80s that listened to punk music and were "against the establishment" would know it doesn't fit here.  I was more referencing some of the youth today who would shoot you if you looked at them wrong and then go have a burger afterward.  Like I said, will fix this.

The whole story came out of that last cheesy line.  Some have liked the story, some haven't.  You brought up the technical things so those I will look at.  

I didn't show any of the violence in the end (except for the last one shot) because sometimes it isn't necessary to show it all.  I've liked that effect in some movies I've seen.  The "suggested" brutality and rage is sometimes enough - in my opinion.

I do like some of your ideas and really appreciate you getting all the way through this one.  Good luck with yours and will get to reading yours hopefully this weekend.