Super Inn by Anonymous Phred - Short - A young woman must rekindle her supernatural powers to save her sister's life - pdf, format 8)

Okay. If I understood the ending right, I liked it but besides that, the whole script is a mess IMO. The dialogue, really, really needs a huge clean-up, needs to flow more naturally.

You should look up "LATER/MOMENTS LATER" slugs, it should benefit your script a lot. Some scenes, it's hard to know where we actually skipped time or we didn't.

Back to the ending, I assume that Felix 20 years ago was the doctor who separated them and gave them life but is now here to take it away? If so, I felt it wasn't clear, at least for me it wasn't. Besides that though, I didn't understand much. Felix just randomly appears out of no where because he was summoned? Something's a little off.

A good effort but this seemed a little rushed to me. Good job on completing the OWC.

I thought that was pretty good.  It needs a small amount of rewrite but the story is quite chilling and deep.

I think this needs to be a bit clearer - parts were confusing - and I think the dialogue needs a bit of tweaking.  

Otherwise, I think this met the criteria - not exactly in the way I would expect - but I think it did.  

Well done.  

I think this script was a bit rushed and the dialogue and action could have been cleaner.

I did like the story though, although I think it's missing something. I'm not sure what.

Or maybe it's me and I don't really like the supernatural genre.

I think it would look better on screen than on the page.

The logline was a good one.

Good stuff.

The writing itself needs some fixing, as I felt that's what dragged the story down the most.  Honestly, I'm not entirely sure about what happened in the end cause there was a lot of back and forth action going on.

I liked the integration of the Siamese twins idea.  Actually if you decide to go back to this one then that's an awesome jumping-off point to rebuild around.

Where it is now, though, I really couldn't get that into it.  Dialogue needs work and the flow needs retooling.

Nevertheless, a good idea.

Greg

Sorry, but I must've missed something here. I was lost reading it.

At first I thought it was about people trapped in a building during a hurricane and they are starving and going mad.

Or is that exactly whats happening here? Some of the dialogue was confusing and that afffected the total read for me.

Cheers stevie

I'm on the fence with this one.

I think the dialogue could use a little more work, but it's not horrible. There's just a few moments where you slip up.

What I didn't like was the jumping back and forth. It seemed a little rushed and things weren't made clear. If more time was spent developing the flow of certain events in the script, it would make an awesome read.

At the moment, not my cup of tea.

Good job finishing the OWC, though. You've already done better than myself ;D

Dan

Some clunky dialogue and description made for a muddled read.  The moral dilemma posed here is pretty intense, though.  Would you mutilate your own body to potentially save a loved one.  The black magic aspect gave it a sort of Pet Cemetery feel.  

But once the location switched to the graveyard I was lost.  What kind of motel has a bone zone where the swimming pool should be?  And then Felix is oddly reintroduced to us as "a man."  

Potentially powerful material here, but the execution is off, IMO.

Hmm, black magic, canibalism. Interesting.

But, some odd turns of phrase in this one - made me think perhaps the writer has not a perfect grasp of the English language. If I'm wrong I'd advise tuning into everyday dialogue.

Also, now I think of it, I didn't really get a sense of a hurricane except via exposition i.e. other people referring to it.

I'd also advise if you have, for example, a scene with a television reporter - that you listen to their dialogue/reports before committing words to the page - they often follow certain patterns that can be replicated quite easily.

I do like the 'Siamese twin' storyline and feel there is definitely a creepy story in here - it just wasn't presented on the page fluidly enough.

Tough challenge. Well done getting it done.

The good - you completed a script that possibly met maybe 1 of the criteria.

The writing itself was not horrid.

The bad - Absolutely no clue what was going on, what went on, why what went on, went on, who anyone was, where anyone was, or why anyone in the script, was in the script.

Dialogue was very poor, to the point of being comical, sorry to say.

Sorry, but I skimmed the last fdew pages and after reading feedback, knew I made the correct decision.

Interesting idea.

A lot going on that, imo, needed more, ie: Why would they send rescue to an abanded motel? Why would she make a big deal out of banging on all the doors when she knows no-one is there? etc.

In one sense I like it, but really ended up as confused as everyone else.

There are some interesting moral dilemmas posed here. Such as a Siamese twin sacrificing herself for her twin sister.

I think it needs a second run through as it's confusing to follow as is. One minute I'm in motel room, then suddenly I'm in the lobby. Some time slugs would help too so I can see how things are flowing. I assume everything's continuous?

Good story concept, but the execution needs work.

This was 'ok' for me. I didn't get the sense of an overnight thing and didn't feel much of the hurricane except for the TV announcements.

When I got to the nearly three pages of dialogue...that's when this went south for me.

Overall...it was a cool idea...but leads to a bit of confusion for me ...mostly from the dialogue(which to me needs the most work).

Congrats on finishing the owc

This script needs a little spit and polish, simple format issues, like using TV CORRESPONDENT (V.O), as he's not actually in the room. CUT TO:, not needed, it's implied by the next scene heading.

The characters Anna and Clara need to be fleshed out more to make them distinct.

I'm lost as to what actually happens after Clara sacrifices her arms to save her sister.

Sorry for repeating but I agree with;

Decent underlying, dark premise, of sacrifice, sisterly bonds , magic and desire

Writing lost me and I wanst wholly sure, what etc was happening

Storm aspect wasn't strong and it did go I to a cemmetery which may not be pushing it too far since it was close, but all the same not in a motel.

Got potential.

Congrats on finishing the OWC.

I also liked the idea of the Siamese twins and the black magic, but felt it wasn't used to its fullest potential.

Some of the dialogue is sketchy and "just there" because it needs to be.

After the TV stopped working I totally forgot about the hurricane.  

You have a very good idea, but you need to rewrite some dialogue and work out the ending so it is more clear to the reader.

Good effort.  Thanks for playing.

The basic idea here is very interesting.  In order to save her sister, she must nourish her with her own flesh.  Wicked.  I love it.  But in the end I didn't know why they were there or what their story was.  And there really didn't seem to be a hurricane either.  

There were some strange things that could have been interesting but felt forced because you were just telling us.  Like the Siamese twin thing.  And the black magic. I think that needed to be explored more.

Felix had my interest but I really didn't understand who he was or why he was there.

Your writing is bogged down by too many extra words.  Lean writing helps your story flow better and also keeps it from getting buried.  Just tell us what we need to know.  

EXAMPLE:

CLARA (20), big brown eyes full of life, pounds on a small
but old TV-set. Rabbit ear antennas stick out of its back and
she tries to adjust them for better reception.

CLARA (20), big brown eyes full of life, pounds on an old
TV then adjusts the rabbit ears for better reception.


Just keep writing.  And congtats for completing a difficult OWC.

Not a really big fan of this one. I liked the helplessness of the situation, everything that happened before Felix showed up. Once he did, there were very few things I liked about this, most notably, the dialogue (as others have mentioned). It was stilted and nobody seemed to like to talk in complete sentences.

Anyway, not the worst thing ever, but certainly not for me.

D.

I liked the idea here. It was an interesting read. To have them both be siamese twins who weren't supposed to both survive anyway was a nice touch.

Good use of moral dilemma from the challenge. I was confused at the end as well. Hopefully the writer will chime in and explain this a little after the names are revealed.

Good job entering the OWC.

James

Your slugs need some sort of time indicator (CONTINUOUS, LATER, SAME, etc.)

Some of the dialogue isn't natural and needs work. (especially between Clara and Felix.)

I like the idea, but I was totally lost at the end.

Good job completing the OWC.

A few mistakes e.g FELLIX page 5
The concept was pretty good and I suppose it kinda feel under the Good v evil and the siamese twins where a nice touch...

Overall pretty good

Mark

I'm afraid I wasn't a fan of this one. You've got an intriguing idea and a very dark dilemma going on but it was let down by clunky writing and pretty poor dialogue which made this comedic at times.

Other than a very confusing ending which needs to be cleaned up for clarity, I wasn't getting the whole set-up of this one. I'm guessing this was the aftermath of a hurricane and the two sisters are stuck, hence why they haven't eaten in a week. Yet Clara was able to move freely around the motel and they were even able to get to the graveyard outside at the end. Who the hell puts a motel by a graveyard and then calls it Super Inn? The owner of this place hardly had a marketable idea?

So back on track, they also had power and everyone else was able to leave. I just kept thinking "Why are they so hungry?" Surely there's a local corner shop down the road to get a few twinkies. This comes down to not being clear for me, maybe their predicament is a lot worse than I thought but it wasn't made evident.

Then Felix entered the mix and this where this piece really fell apart for me, as well as being a black magician, he's also a Doctor and can tell how long people have been dead for. Then he offers Anna up as a snack for Clara before telling her that he might be able to bring Anna back to life... probably should have mentioned this in the first place. But it means that Clara will have to sacrifice her own body for a bit of grub because Anna will need to eat.

Then he's cooking it up in the kitchen like Gordan Ramsay and then this "both arms bleed" took the biscuit for me... why both? Was one not enough? Did Felix fancy a nibble as well? Okay, maybe I'm thinking about this to much but you had a great idea here, this decision/sacrifice should have had more of an emotional impact but it got lost in some bad execution.

And the last few pages were very confusing like I've already mentioned and I was lost to the meaning of it all.

Sorry but this needs some work in the writing and story, it's a shame because the idea here is good but wasn't fully explored.

Congrats on completing the OWC. :)

Steve

I thought this one was pretty good, but it had a lot of EXT. parts in it which might hurt this script if there was a producer actually looking for a script that fit this OWC. Having EXT. shots during a hurricane means “making rain and wind”...

I wished that the hurricane was more of a part in this story.

I did like the idea of the siamese twins.

I'm going to assume this was written by someone who's just getting into screenwriting but is a writer of some sort. The storytelling is strong, it's the technique that needs a lot of work, particularly structure and dialogue.

As told, it's a confusing mess. You did well to set it in the aftermath of the hurricane, a good interpretation of the rules that worked in your favour. There was plenty of tension, but you should have established how long they've gone without food already. The way it reads it's almost right after the hurricane but they're already desperate for even a drowned rat? Too much of a stretch, and to start off that way kills our suspension of disbelief for the rest of it, especially since you're talking about resorting to cannibalism, a decision that should take weeks, not hours.

Ignoring that fundamental flaw in the story, you present some gruesome details that made for some uncomfortable squirming. Good job there, that's how it should be. A more experienced screenwriter would have found a way to introduce the idea of separated siamese twins visually rather than through exposition in dialogue but it's a neat idea and tied in nicely with the ending. Felix was the least interesting character which is a real shame, he had great potential.

All in all, not a bad attempt but nowhere near good enough. Even with a complete rewrite you'd need to fix the fundamental flaw of time to reach the desperate decision of cannibalism which wouldn't work within the time to be rescued.

Good luck, keep writing!

A little confusing at times but I liked it. Chilling feel with the black magic. Congrats on the OWC.

I thought it was a little too ambitious for 8 pages – you had so many things going on that I got lost. Honestly, I read it twice…carefully…I’m not entirely dumb (LOL) but I was confused.

I feel you experimented with some great themes and I think this would make a great feature-length as opposed to a short so you can expand the story and develop everything, fully explain things, etc.

Super Inn by - A young woman must rekindle her supernatural powers to save her sister's life.
Brief - One sister secures black magic assistance to revive the other sister. Things don’t go as planned, exactly.

Locations & Sets  -  Interior, motel room @ night. Exterior, motel walkway @ ??. Interior, motel kitchenette @ ?? (I’m going to start presuming “night”)
Actors  -  CLARA (20), ANNA (20), FELIX (60s)
Costumes  - worn jacket
Props  -  CRT TV for pounding + antennas, frying pan, chunk roast, fork + knife, tray, paper towels, bottled water, bandages, tape, liquid stage blood, red liquid vial, faux cemetery monument inscription
Audio FX  - Newscaster V.O.
Visual FX  -  Felix vanishing effect
Other  -  strong projection light + smoke machine + juice + green gel, makeup artist, ghastly makeup, kitchenette cleanup
Genre & Marketability - supernatural horror suspense
Comments  -  On pg2 the slug line is cutting to the exact same location: INT. MOTEL ROOM. Don’t do that. HOtels have HAlls, MOtels have WAlkways outside, FYI. Will try to use the same room as both rooms to reduce budget. Pg3 conversation is bizarre. Turn off your screenwriting program’s mores and continueds feature. Characters are not odd or interesting. Hurricane was kinda glossed over. Story’s a little disjointed. Script format: fair. Final word: missable characters and disjointed story.


$1,000 - $2,000  Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 7.6 Screenplay Pages
= $  Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Odd but interesting character(s) - nope
take refuge from a hurricane - not, really
in a beat-up motel - yep
and are forced to make a choice - yep
between good or evil - sorta yeah
in order to survive the night. - sorta yeah
Each character must -
have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - yep
that factors into their choice. - yep
Genre is open. - supernatural horror suspense
This is a micro-budget short, - yeh
so no destruction of the motel, - yeh
no children or animals - yeh
and minimal special effects. - yeh
BONUS! Story also included:
mime(s) - nope
dinosaur(s) - nope

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WBdeA3ZfngPz7NfJg_5DSBUFsZXkicfyNQHRc8Bg2SQ/edit

It was one of the first posted so I got a lot of reviews to help me with the rewrite - thanks!

Got rid of all the EXT shots! and the flashbacks. And all kinds of powers.

There's still supernatural in it but the girls don't have any powers. This way it's much cleaner. I also worked on some dialog but will give it another look.

Here's the link to the latest version:

https://dl-web.dropbox.com/get/Public/Supers.pdf?w=a0134e4b

Hope the link works. It does, doesn't it?

Nope, afraid not.

Error 403, suggests a sign-in.

Thanks! Let me try something here and repost.

Here, should work!

https://www.dropbox.com/sh/w5mgze926kp7xvp/yVcFSM0JNT/Supers.pdf

Link works now!
I'll def. have a look at this tomorrow for you K. Just a bit pressed for time now.

Libby :)

A rewrite already, you work fast.

As I read:

Some small action description quibbles, for example. This one here reads a little awkward. While I understand what you mean, it could be made much more crisp:

'Rabbit ear antennas stick out of its back and she tries to adjust them for better reception.'

1. We don't really need to know where the antenna are located on the TV, it's not critical to the story.
2. When you say 'she tries to adjust', that reads literally as she made an attempt to adjust the antenna, but she wasn't able to adjust them, which is not what you mean.
3. Lastly, you are TELLING us what she is doing and why, 'adjust them for better reception.' Instead, SHOW us and we'll understand the what and the why from the visual.

How about 'She adjusts the rabbit ear antennas, sighs at the lines of static.'

TV CORRESPONDENT - still needs to be a VO. Any time a person who speaks is not present and the sounds has to be reproduced, it is written as a voice over.

'Clara pounds on it infuriated.' needs an apostrophe after 'it'.

'Clara sits beside, totally drained.'   -   Can't see the reason for the absence of 'her' in this sentence, especially since you have already committed to writing a line and are not shy on real estate.

CUT TO: - not needed IMHO. The next scene heading automatically indicates the scene transition.

Ill have at look at the rest later

Thanks Eoin and LC, take your time.

My link is lost now in mid-conversation - any idea how to properly repost the rewrite?

Hey K, I'm not sure now if the above comment means your edited version is up now or not??

Anyway, I'll just offer a couple of suggestions esp. with your opening.

At the moment you've got a TV Announcer (V.O.) - Eoin is correct re the latter btw.

Your opening reads as follows:

'Rescue ambulances are on the way to the Harris County. Next on the list is
Jefferson Square and Gessner Avenue. Evacuating from Country Playhouse, Mariott
Courtyard. Denny's had 15 people trapped inside... Super Inn Motel--'

My suggestion is you need to use more authentic TV Speak - i.e. stock phrases, such as these:

'...have died, more than 6 million are without power...  since Hurricane ? lashed...
...search and rescue teams are being dispatched to many areas ...yes that's right, (insert name i.e. 'Richard' if she's talking to someone back in the studio), ...officials have ordered mandatory evacuations for residents from Country House, Marriott Courtyard... tracking the path of the storm... it appears many people may be trapped... Super Inn...'

One last gasp, then the signal dies.

Clara pounds on it, infuriated.
..............................................................

You get the gist.

From the copy I'm looking at in dropbox (don't know if this is an edited version) you still have ommissions of words etc. Plus the description/exposition re the 'Siamese' background in dialogue still sounds a little clunky to me.

Interesting, dark story K. :)

Anyway, hope that little bit above helps.
Libby

Hey Libby,

I mean that the new one is here:
https://www.dropbox.com/sh/w5mgze926kp7xvp/yVcFSM0JNT/Supers.pdf

but it's not on the first page of the thread - so it's buried here mid-conversation.

The rewrite that I did - changed some of the storyline, made it clearer, changed the ending, got rid of all the EXT shots. No tomb whatsoever now!
I'll think about kitchenette too.
The writing - to fix it all will take time and I'll do it in time. Thanks for the additional push and for the help. I hear you about stock phrases (although I'm all for the full sentences in it - will live it up for a producer to make the cuts) and other stuff, like omitted words etc - always do that for some reason.

@Eoin - thanks to you to, good advice.

Quoted from khamanna Hey Libby, Thanks for the additional push and for the help. I hear you about stock phrases (although I'm all for the full sentences in it - will live it up for a producer to make the cuts) and other stuff, like omitted words etc - always do that for some reason...

That's cool Khamanna.

And just to clarify I wasn't saying to write what I had verbatim, that wouldn't read like it made much sense. Was just including a few examples of prof. 'grabs' incorporating your place names, and with the elipses indicating intermittent power cuts.

Anyway, well done for getting onto it so quickly. :)