Print Topic

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  October 2012 One Week Challenge  /  Forgotten Faith - 10/12 OWC
Posted by: Don, October 22nd, 2012, 9:01am
Forgotten Faith by Anonymous Zed - Short - A motel owner’s faith is put to the test. - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: Gage, October 22nd, 2012, 10:47am; Reply: 1
Nice and simple, though I don't see any supernatural backstory.  This is a good, predictable piece.  It didn't blow my mind but it wasn't the worst submission in the OWC.
Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), October 22nd, 2012, 2:40pm; Reply: 2
It's far from the worst I've seen, and it meets most of the requirements...

BUT...

It's so simple, so predictable, so cliche, and so...uh...just so unimpressive, sorry to say.

The writing is OK at times, then others, you chose to skip your subject for some reason and things immediately got confusing.

Dialogue is not good, but not horrible, either.

Characters are cardboard and that's one of the big problems here.

Good job entering a scrpit, now work on refining youur writing and getting it to the next level.
Posted by: LC, October 22nd, 2012, 6:03pm; Reply: 3
This was capably written and pretty good - def. an easy read. A bit of obv. exposition in your dialogue and I didn't see much, if any, supernatural backstory for Jacob...but then it just ended, leaving me thinking, oh, that's it?!

Just needed something extra re plot, too straightforward.
Nice job with what you did, I suppose, just a bit bland.
Posted by: Pale Yellow, October 22nd, 2012, 6:26pm; Reply: 4
This to me was written good and it was fast to read.

The dialogue needs some work ...The biggest problem for me is that it was real predictable.

The characters were just so-so not really interesting enough to put this one in my top pile of favs.

Good job though. Surely not one of the worst....
Posted by: jwent6688, October 22nd, 2012, 6:36pm; Reply: 5
Good writing. I enjoyed this for the most, up to the expositional dialogue where Jacob tries to drop in that he lost his wife to evil somehow. It is the killer of decent scripts this challenge.

You have an inkling of supernatural back story, a decision between good and evil eventhough Jacob is unaware of which is which. I'd say you hit most of the parameters and this is one of my faves thus far.

Good job entering the OWC.

James
Posted by: DaveTroop, October 22nd, 2012, 8:42pm; Reply: 6
Congrats on finishing the OWC!

Your script was straight forward and simple.  I just wish Jacob would have turned the gun on Emily after recognizing she was the evil one.  Wound the Father and kill the demon.

Liked the Father character, but seemed too familiar.

Your formatting was very good.  Just a few typos. Flowed nicely.

Good job.


Posted by: crookedowl (Guest), October 22nd, 2012, 8:55pm; Reply: 7
This was good, well written. It was a bit predictable (at page 5), but that's probably because I've read five other exorcism scripts this OWC.

I think everything happened too fast. You could stretch it out, add some more suspense.

Your ending was very predictable as well. It's a good idea, but the way it's executed here makes it much less shocking than it could be.

Still a solid short, especially for something done in a week. Great job completing the OWC.
Posted by: Oney.Mendoza, October 22nd, 2012, 10:19pm; Reply: 8
I don't like the title at all. LOL...sorry. But after reading it I tried to think of something better and well, I couldn't. LOL.

First off - I applaud you at how well written this is. Smoothly written and easy to read - also not a grammar error in sight.

Like everyone else, I thought it was painfully predictable. There was nothing "supernatural" happening that it just became obvious what the ending would entail. The dialogue between Emily and Father Robert also seemed very forced and just didn't flow well..."I know you lost your faith..." etc - ugh. I didn't care for it. BUT your story moved fast and I was never bored.

Definitely not the worst of the bunch.
Posted by: albinopenguin, October 22nd, 2012, 10:34pm; Reply: 9
first and foremost, congrats on completing the OWC. i think everyone can agree, this round was incredibly difficult.

unfortunately i wasn't a fan of this one. the dialogue needs work and a lot of questions go unanswered. on top of that, the ending is incredibly cliched. in fact, that's exactly what killed it for me...the ending.

also the characters lacked depth or character IMO. I really didn't care about anyone.

but alas, there will be plenty of time for rewrites at a later time. my apologies for not expanding my review. I'm reviewing these late (g oddamn work is driving me crazy right now) and i want to read as many of these as possible.
Posted by: Reef Dreamer, October 23rd, 2012, 5:19am; Reply: 10
Started off interesting. What is this man about, doing? Why has he lied about the girl? What is she etc! The whole he is a priest was a disappointment and sad to say I share the others thoughts that it kind of went down a well worn path. But hey the OWC was v tricky.

The writing was good and it was focused unlike some, kept to three characters and whils there is a scene on the road, it doesn't require much.

With a few tweaks, has potential, just needs to be different.

All the best.
Posted by: khamanna, October 23rd, 2012, 8:17am; Reply: 11
Very simple and easy to understand. I wish to see the backstory though, it would make me take sides, understand the father better (o maybe hate him) - the challenge calls for it as well.

Also the backstory is the chance to make this different from other stories that are like this. Why Emily, what did she do etc.
Posted by: Eoin, October 23rd, 2012, 10:55am; Reply: 12
It meets most of the requirements, the supernatural element was left too late.

The writing is fine, nothing very stand out, but it is an OWC.

Disappointed that there was no twist in the story. It was a pretty one sided affair. An element of surprise  and misdirection would have made this more interesting.

Jacob losing his wife to evil was mentioned but never shown in any fashion.
Posted by: DarrenJamesSeeley, October 23rd, 2012, 11:15am; Reply: 13
While I was alamed a little by the car scene (requirements have the one general location of an abandoned motel) overall this was a good read. It's one of the better entries of the OWC...but - and this is not a direct nitpick on this piece in specific-- a lot of entries, a whole chunk - has priests and demons in them. If it wasn't for the writing, this could run the risk of falling through the cracks, if you will, As for a direct nitpick - I would have liked to see something a bit more daring or different - even with a priest or demon present.

Let me clarify. It reads "average" in part due to the OWC itself, and it's a little more than that.  Let me put it this way. Of the OWC that have priests and/or demons in them, it's obe of the better scripts. But it also doesn't stand out all that much.
Posted by: DV44, October 23rd, 2012, 1:18pm; Reply: 14
Overall good job. Well written, the story flowed nicely. Predictable yes, but that's okay. Congrats on writing the OWC.
Posted by: ReneC, October 23rd, 2012, 1:32pm; Reply: 15
Competent writing but not quite there yet. More than a few mistakes but nothing major, things that can't be overcome with experience and reading scripts.

The problem here is a predictable story and familiar characters, nothing new here at all. It's not bad, just boring. The set-up about Jacob's wife never paid off, it's a useless bit of info.

Good for you for at least meeting the challenging requirements of this OWC.
Posted by: Ryan1, October 23rd, 2012, 9:10pm; Reply: 16
One thing I learned from this owc...priests and motels just do not mix.

This was a workmanlike effort.  Steady, sturdy but completely without surprises.  I seriously doubt anyone was caught off guard when the girl turned out to be a demon.

Not bad, but not memorable in any way.
Posted by: greg, October 23rd, 2012, 9:20pm; Reply: 17
Pretty straight forward and largely predictable.  Nothing really bad but nothing amazing either.  

While the ending I saw coming a mile away, I feel that the dialogue and the characters didn't make it as exciting as it could have been.  Fairly typical story here so more quirky dialogue would have elevated it.

Alright for what it is.

Greg
Posted by: SteveUK, October 24th, 2012, 5:05am; Reply: 18
This one was just okay - a  little too clichéd and predictable. The writing was competent, but there was too much exposition and the dialogue needs a lot of work - it was mostly awkward and unnatural.

The whole issue of Jacob's wife felt really forced. We had no explanation of what had happened to her and it only seemed to serve as a convenient way to make Jacob's decision at the end.

Also, we are introduced to Robert Dearden at the start, who in his dialogue is know as simply Robert. Then, later in the story he becomes Father Robert in both description and dialogue. I understand that until page 4 the fact that he is a priest is hidden, but after it's revealed you don't need to change the character's name - Just stick with Robert and have Emily refer to him as Father Robert.

Taking refuge from a hurricane in a beat-up motel?
Check.

Odd but interesting character(s)?
Fail. The characters were fairly unoriginal.

Choosing between good & evil to survive the night?
Check. Jacob backed the wrong horse and won't see out the night.

Past supernatural event?
Check. The Father has witnessed the demon in Emily.

Micro budget?
Not sure about this. It succeeds for the most part, but the gunplay at the end would probably break the budget.

Congratulations on completing the OWC.
Posted by: RJ, October 24th, 2012, 5:36am; Reply: 19
Thought this was a good easy read. Although predictable, I didn't see a problem with how everything played out.

I agree with other comments about giving the characters more spark. Would add that extra 'something' it needs.

IMO, this did hit the marks when it comes to the challenge.

Good job.
Posted by: CoopBazinga, October 25th, 2012, 1:34am; Reply: 20
This one is "safe as houses" as the saying goes. A very solid but safe story devoid of any surprises which makes for an average piece overall.

it's all here, the troubled priest, scared girl and a man hurting over the death of a loved one.

It started out good, and there was some great mystery as to why Robert was lying to Jacob. But as soon it was revealed he was a priest - this was like following the same old script sorry to say.

Don't get me wrong, this wasn't a bad effort and it didn't confuse me like a lot of the others but the trouble was that it was just so cliche and predictable. This means it was forgettable and that's never good.

A good thing going for it may be the fact that it ticked off all the criteria although the supernatural past was forced in exposition towards the end. But otherwise, it was unimpressive and didn't hold my attention - in fact, I've already forgotten (pun) what it was all about!

Other than a couple of typos, it was well-written and read fast. Must be from a member of boards.

Congrats on completing the OWC. :)

Steve
Posted by: irish eyes, October 25th, 2012, 8:53pm; Reply: 21
SHort and simple... Pretty predictable but nicely wrote.

It would have been a bigger twist, if she wasn't a demon and he accidentally shot the priest..

Good job I enjoyed it

Mark
Posted by: rc1107, October 26th, 2012, 11:03am; Reply: 22
Lol.  Another one where a priest brings a girl to a hotel.

Although this is competently written, it didn't have the twist that the other priest-takes-a-girl-to-motel story had.

Also, I don't see how the logline ties into this.  Jacob's faith was never put to the test.  Emily said that Father Rearden is losing his faith.

But, you did follow the guidelines of the competition very well, so I can't say that this isn't a solid piece of writing.  It just doesn't have much excitement or wonder to it.

- Mark
Posted by: Mr. Blonde, October 26th, 2012, 1:30pm; Reply: 23
Seems the majority of people who read this one used the same, or similar, word "predictable". That's exactly what this was. However, that's what all of these are like, so I can't really fault you on that.

The only way to make this less predictable would be to have Jacob be an even worse/stronger demon but that double twist has also been used already.

The writing itself was fine and certainly written by a regular.

C.
Posted by: RayW, October 26th, 2012, 1:42pm; Reply: 24
Forgotten Faith by - A motel owner’s faith is put to the test.
Brief - Intemperate priest is determined to exorcise a demon from a young woman, but the motel manager unwisely intervenes.

Locations & Sets  -  Interior car @ night. Interior motel lobby @ night. Interior room @ night. Interior back office.
Actors  -  ROBERT DEARDEN, 30s, EMILY FLYNN, 20s, JACOB WESTON, 60s,
Costumes  -  Emily’s outfit, Robert’s jacket to be ruined + clerical outfit
Props  -  liquid stage blood, small picture frame w/ glass, ledger & pen, duffle bag, unwashed bedspreads, revolver, rope, whiskey bottle, wooden chair, cheap CRT TV, cigarette + match, christian cross wall ornament, antique double-barrel SHOTGUN + two shells,
Audio FX  -  WHISTLING winds and harsh rain, car tires screeching, howling wind, pistol + shotgun shots, Jacob’s scream.
Visual FX  -  pistol + shotgun flares, smoke, Emily’s red eyes
Other  -  heavy rain effects while car is moving (ugh!), stunt pads for fall, Emily’s lift of Jacob
Genre & Marketability - Supernatural horror drama. Fair marketability, but this is pretty hum-drum genre fare so as to be pretty missable.
Comments  -  Gotta watch the “Father Robert” / “Father Deardon” flip-flop. All the roles are pretty plainly laid out, nice. The situation is interesting, but the characters are not inherently interesting; A  troubled priest, a girl/possessed (briefly), and a old manager. Only got to move the camera around a few places. That driving while raining shot is going to be the biggest PITA. Otherwise, this should have a fairly sensible budget. Script format: needs work. This story seems like an opening sequence of a larger possession story. Final word: Meh. Missable.

$2,000 - $3,000  Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 8.6 Screenplay Pages
= $232 - $348  Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Odd but interesting character(s) - nope. Not really. Characters are neither odd nor interesting. The situation is, but they are not.
take refuge from a hurricane - yep
in a beat-up motel - yep
and are forced to make a choice - Jacob doesn’t have much of a choice to make, but Father Dearden does
between good or evil - Dearden’s is
in order to survive the night. - Not for Jacob, until he picks the wrong choice, and Dearden’s in a roundabout way
Each character must -
have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - yep
that factors into their choice. - yep
Genre is open. - supernatural horror drama
This is a micro-budget short, - yep, fairly inexpensive
so no destruction of the motel, - yep
no children or animals - yep
and minimal special effects. - yep
BONUS! Story also included:
mime(s) - nope
dinosaur(s) - nope

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WBdeA3ZfngPz7NfJg_5DSBUFsZXkicfyNQHRc8Bg2SQ/edit
Posted by: nawazm11, October 27th, 2012, 2:00am; Reply: 25
It basically feels like this ended right when the tension was at its highest. I have to say the ending really didn't feel like an ending which is a huge problem.

I slugged through the first few pages and thought I'd finish the whole thing, expecting some type of supernatural event to happen regarding the woman in Jacob's photo.

You had something decent here but I'm afraid I just couldn't get into it. The ending felt stale and very very underwhelming.

Fits the guidelines nicely, as if the story was contrived and made around them unlike some entries.

My grade: D+/C- but take that lightly.
Posted by: Leon, October 27th, 2012, 3:17am; Reply: 26
I liked this one, but it was far too straight forward.  I think Robert revealing himself to be a priest would have had a bigger impact if it weren't for the large amount of similar scripts in this owc.  

I think if you had more time a more complex relationship between Emily and Robert was needed, perhaps more dialogue between them,  it seemed to develop into a lot of running and smashing far to quickly.  

Good, but a little simplistic.
Posted by: CoopBazinga, November 2nd, 2012, 10:47am; Reply: 27
Thanks to everybody who took a peek at my script here. I do appreciate it.

Nothing to go in to here - you're all correct! Although I was disappointed to get a D from Mo, that's not even a passing grade, Damn! ;D

I was trying to think up a great idea all week which was other than simple but by the last day I had nothing.

Smashed this together with 3 hours to go and although I knew its faults which was the "predictable" and "cliche" comments you've all made correctly. I thought it better to throw something into the OWC than nothing at all.

Again I thank everybody who gave this one a read.

Cheers. :)
Posted by: irish eyes, November 2nd, 2012, 11:55am; Reply: 28
Nice job coop

Its good to see we both fell under the "predictable " catagory

:)

Mark
Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), November 2nd, 2012, 12:02pm; Reply: 29
On the positive side, though, it's better to be predictable than dead or in a coma.
Print page generated: March 28th, 2024, 3:17am