The Thing That Wasn't by Chris Shamburger (sham) - Short, Horror - A babysitter discovers the real reason children should be scared of their bedroom closets. 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

++++

Hey Chris!

Good to see your name on the board again!
Is this a rewrite of that nifty closet thingy you wrote?

I thought that was filmed?
Is this just a re-post?
I wasn't sure if the script was taken down to be produced.
Let us know! If it's new, I'll gladly read this tale again! ;D

Regards,
E.D.

This was "optioned" in October of 2011 and removed at the request of the director, but the contract fell through when I lost all communication with him.

The script has been very slightly reworked and put back on SimplyScripts to maybe find a new audience and (hopefully) the attention of other filmmakers. We'll see what happens.

Hope you enjoy!

Hey, Sham

"HEATHER, 19, enters from the kitchen holding her Android
phone. She’s the type of girl who wears UGG boots and a tweed
pub hat to a babysitting job."

Are you telling us or showing us what Heather is wearing.

The two girls are in the midst of a disagreement about bravery vs. fear, actually a nice little exchange here. It gets even better as Heather comes up with a plan to (thus plot) prove her point, a game. The plot continues to turn a again and again, nice. Great job. Probably best short I've read in awhile. You managed to push your character into the smallest corner possible the closet, and kept it entertaining. Not to heavy on the gore, and great ending. Nice read, man.

BLB

Very good smooth read, kept me interested until the end, and not many mistakes.

As stated by BLB, I didn't like Heather's description either.

The only other things I noticed was-

HEATHER
Damnit! - Should be Damn it!

HEATHER
Goddamnit, Courtenay! - Should be God damn it, Courtenay!

But that's just me being picky.  
  

Hey, BLB!

Quoted from Busy Little Bee Hey, Sham "HEATHER, 19, enters from the kitchen holding her Android phone. She’s the type of girl who wears UGG boots and a tweed pub hat to a babysitting job." Are you telling us or showing us what Heather is wearing.

It's a bit of both, I think. Had I just said "She wears UGG boots and a tweed pub hat," I think readers would completely miss the fact that — oh yeah — she's only babysitting.

Quoted Text The two girls are in the midst of a disagreement about bravery vs. fear, actually a nice little exchange here. It gets even better as Heather comes up with a plan to (thus plot) prove her point, a game. The plot continues to turn a again and again, nice. Great job. Probably best short I've read in awhile. You managed to push your character into the smallest corner possible the closet, and kept it entertaining. Not to heavy on the gore, and great ending. Nice read, man.

Thanks so much, BLB! Glad you enjoyed it.

Quoted from killerk Very good smooth read, kept me interested until the end, and not many mistakes.

Thank you, killerk!

Quoted Text The only other things I noticed was- HEATHER Damnit! - Should be Damn it! HEATHER Goddamnit, Courtenay! - Should be God damn it, Courtenay! But that's just me being picky.

Yep, that's definitely a matter of taste, the same way son of a bitch could be sonofabitch, or OK could be, well, you know how many variations of OK there are.

Thanks for reading.

Hey Chris,

Not a bad little tale here although it did come across as a tad conventional to me and lacked surprise  – the babysitter, oncoming storm and a monster in the closet.

In saying that, this certainly had enough to keep my attention and was written with poise by someone who knows how to handle the horror genre – this reminded me of another author’s work on SS. It’s one of the better shorts I’ve read in a while on SS to be fair so well done on developing a well-rounded little short.

After a getting to know them start which nicely added in the addition of the nail polish which came into play later, this really builded up a lot of tension and most of importantly for me was the mystery which helped this story flow for me.

This was what kept me interested to the end anyway and although I had an idea that Courtenay was maybe not herself upon stepping out of the closet, it was the suggestion that maybe I was wrong that held my interest.

But the ending wasn’t a disappointment and left me satisfied if not overwhelmed. Overall, this is a fine little short and I can understand why it was optioned first time around even if it did end up not going anywhere. I wish you best with it.

Good luck and keep writing. :)

Steve

Quoted from Sham This was "optioned" in October of 2011 and removed at the request of the director, but the contract fell through when I lost all communication with him. The script has been very slightly reworked and put back on SimplyScripts to maybe find a new audience and (hopefully) the attention of other filmmakers. We'll see what happens. Hope you enjoy!

Hey Chris,

Well, that's a big bummer sandwich.
Your fine contained tale screams easy production.

This fella was looking for a horror short not too long ago.
Give him a shout...

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-looking/m-1346181395/s-0/

Good luck!

E.D.

Hey Chris.

I really enjoyed reading this... the tension was great.

Few things I found myself getting hung up on;

1. I felt the way Courtney learns of the horror movie a little too convenient, contrived.
"Besides,  your mom would kill me if I let you  watch this movie." I like that she doesn't want to go to bed, but what if she sneeks back out of bed and finds Healther watching the movie, Heather catchers her, then the deal is struck? (Just spit-balling)

2.  The banter is great between the two of them (save for a couple of questionable lines of Courtney's. ) But it flows nice until we hit a bit of snag with chunky dialogue. (Now I'm probably the last one to comment on cutting down, so please forgive me):
"When I was your age, my parents would stay up late every Friday night and watch a scary movie. I used to beg them to let me stay up and watch one with them, but they said no. One night, I asked again, thinking they would say no and send me to bed like they always did, but they didn’t. Instead, they took me into their bedroom and made me a deal. Heather looks back at Courtenay. They said if I could stay in their closet with the lights out by myself for two minutes, I could stay up and watch the movie."
What if you simply said:
"When I was your age, I always begged my parents to let me watch a scary movie, one night they finally said  "Yes", but... only if I could  stay in their closet, in the dark, by myself for two whole minutes. Then, I could stay up and watch the scary movie."
Just a thought.

3. When Courtney is in the closet, I think it would be better to have it completely black, play with sounds to pulls us into it, as you do with what Heather hears through the door.

4. Finally I got to say, I know it's suppose to be a horror script, but I kinda was satisfied with the "Gotcha" moment with Courtney. Heather being beaten at her own game. I thought this was cute and brought a smile to my face... but then we go on and I kinda lost interest after that. I think because I was pushed to my seat with the closet not opening and Heather's panic, for a short script I didn't want to go through with another panic, then revelation, it was too much for a short script, for me... but then I guess it wouldn't be a horror.  I do like the idea that something else did lurk in the closet with her though.

There are other notes, but I think others have covered them already.

This all being said: It's very well written, held my interest and I really enjoyed it.  And of course, these are just my thoughts on it. I look forward to reading more of your material, and hopefully seeing it on screen, sometime in the near future,  too. :)

Best,
Kev

Very nice read! It'd also be very easy to shoot. From a casting angle, would it work with a little boy or a teenage boy? I personally like scripts with an even number of sexes instead of two of the same. It's not a huge deal.

Hi Chris,

This was a good little read. I agree with what the others have said regarding Heather's description - it's definitely a little clunky.  It reads more like you're telling us what she might wear hypothetically, as opposed to a description of what she actually is wearing. It may be more clear if it was amended to something like:

Self-aware and vain, she's the type of girl who thought it was a good idea to wear UGG boots and a tweed pub hat to this babysitting job.

The back and forth conversation between the two girls worked really well, and you had me hooked. I also like how you worked in the nail polish.

Whilst the ending wasn't a surprise, it certainly didn't disappoint. Great job!

I remember this from awhile back.

I liked it then and I like it now.  It's well written for the most part, effective, and even downright scary.

The description stuff of Heather is probably something I commented on when this first came out.  IMO, anytime you attempt something like this, you're going to get peeps who don't like it enough to actually bring it up.  It's something that is always a risk and the payoff isn't worth it.

You know what I'm saying?  Does it matter if Heather is the kind of girl to wear UGG boots and whatever kind of hat to a babysitting gig?  Not to me, it doesn't.  My recommendation is always to keep it simple.

Good work here, Sham.  I really like this script.

I liked this one. I think it was well written and it had an excellent flow. I thought I had it figured out. The little girl would be put in the closest and something would get her, but the babysitter would rescue her in the nick of time, and they would somehow kill whatever was in the closest, but no, I was proven wrong, and happily so.
Nice job.

Dude! This is a really great bit of work. Some things to touch on, to reinforce (just as a way of giving some original props) from line one, I'm impressed with your choice of wording. In that action line, for example, the word "signals" is a great choice that is very vivid in multiple ways, and is used in that one moment with great impact. There are other examples of equally fine choices, throughout, that make each line fresh, exciting, visceral, and as a result, the whole flow pulling us forward. The dialogue, also, between the two, felt very real and natural in my experience. There was just enough real feeling in it, in fact, to bring genuine chills when the terror actually came.

Great narrative, too. As Novice pointed out just above, when Courtenay ran out of that closet and was giving her explanation for the noises, I thought, "ohhh.... I hope this is some kind of trick/demon/doppelganger." And guess what? Ha! It was. It really was, and in the best (or worst for heather) possible ways. Creeeepy.

The barest thing I can even give as a critique - and which doesn't come from any real mistake on your part, but my own obsessive compulsiveness - is that there are those orphan/widow words near the end, of a single word on a line, alone. Even in the first line, the "The" hanging there on line one as part of the sentence on line two, "The distant boom of..." I would shift-enter that word/sentence down to line two, just to clean it up and be conducive to the natural flow of the eye physically moving along the page, and therefor, reading comprehension. It shouldn't push the last word down to a third line. On parts where there is an orphan left alone on a third line, then, I know my teacher would certainly want to see them brought back up, somehow, if this was in class. Think of it that way. Bare-bones typography stuff, and there are probably only three or four other examples (again, not mistakes, but about making something great, perfect), knit-picking... and if you wanted to say, "I know that, but wouldn't want to see that perfect of a version on the internet, or care." I wouldn't blame you, because you're right.

And because "The Thing that Wasn't," was... awesome.
There's no "error" in it, anywhere. There's no letting us down, at all.

An add-on to address the dialogue disagreements from some other members and why I like it: what our member friends without children (or children, but not babysitters), may never have experienced (or did, but forgot), is that real conversation with a kid is often a little... like storytelling. One often goes into a little character special just for children when dealing with them, and tells stories with a special voice. This happens subconsciously and naturally, without thinking. We all attempt these conversations with them, leading and trying to retain control. However, kids are so very smart in response to this, and that strongly came through as well. It's so real, it strikes me that it must be real.
This is why I agree with the dialogue, fully, as is.

I liked this script when I read it back then, I still like it today.

Keep up the good work.

Really like this, one of the best shorts I've ever read. You definitely wrapped everything up pretty well and added a nice little twist.

Read mine?

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/RETURNINGDEATH.docx

I really enjoyed this.

This is just a nitpick, but Courtenay?  Where did that name come from?  Is it pronounced the same as Courtney, just a different spelling?

Either way, it was short and it was snappy.  It's nothing new, but regardless, it would work well on-screen, it's a good story and it was entertaining, not too mention creepy.  I liked Heather a lot also.

I think in the last few pages, shorter sentences, more snappier, would have quickened the pace and added a more intense pace to mirror what was happening in the scene, but that's just me.  I loved the final line.  A great short, I could see more people being interested in bringing this to life, so I wish you luck :)

-- Curt

Hey everyone,

I'm sorry I never replied to all of my readers individually, but I definitely want to say thank you for all of the feedback and criticisms. I'll go through some of the points you guys have made.

Courtenay is named after my best friend. It's pronounced just like Courtney.

I agree that the dialogue of Heather telling the story of her childhood experience with the closet is a little clunky. I'll trim it up a little bit so the read is smoother.

I don't think the script would work with a boy substituting the place of Courtenay. How would I get around the green nail polish?

I can understand where everyone is coming from with Heather's description. I like SteveUK's idea of how to revise it, but for now, I'm leaving it as it is until I can think of something better.

On the production side of things, not only has this script given me a lot of feedback from filmmakers interested in bringing it to the screen, but it's also gotten me some attention from potential collaborators who are asking me to build a project with them from the ground up. In my eight years on this website, that has never happened before, and it's almost overwhelming.

I'm also happy to say I think I've found the right match to bring this story to the screen, and I'll keep everyone posted with news as I hear it.

Thanks again, guys!

I really liked this.  It’s scary.  One thing confused me at the end so I browsed over everyone’s comments to see if it was brought up, but it wasn’t.  So now I feel like an idiot, because I didn’t “get it.”  Heather finds a mutilated body in the closet with the same green painted finger nails.  What does that mean?  That every babysitter Courtenay ever had came up with the same idea as Heather?  The little girl is killing her babysitters?  I’m lost.  Someone else mentioned they were fine with Courtenay making a ruckus looking for the matching hat.  I have to agree.  It was a “cute” ending to a very scary, suspenseful scene.

Hey reaper,

Thank you for the read.

I think the ending definitely went over your head.

The general concept is Courtenay went into the closet for the dare but never actually came out. Something else -- a monster, maybe -- skinned her and is now pretending to be her. Hence the title "The Thing That Wasn't." And Heather's the next to go.

Glad you enjoyed it and found it to be scary and suspenseful.

Chris

Ah, OK, I get it now.  *hits self repeatedly in the head with a hammer*

Chris

Page by page notes/reactions:

“She’s the type of girl who wears UGG boots and a tweed
pub hat to a babysitting job.

- Could be labelled as an unfilmable but I love the description nonetheless. Plus, I recognize the exact type of girl you‘re talking about.

Loving the rapport between Heather and Courtenay, well written and paced. Courtenay is very likeable, Heather too.

“More sounds -- THUMP! SCRAPE! -- from inside the closet. Like
the room, or something else, is being ripped apart.”

- Great action lines, energetic and vivid while being paired down to just visuals and aural details. Almost no fat, just the meat. Good job.

“Heather looks up at the open door again. At her phone.”

- The shorter and punchier the sentences are the better so kudos on that. Its good practice to use periods rather than “and” where possible and even better again than long, rambling sentences which, to your credit, are non-existent here... but see about replacing some of the periods with commas to help the fluidity of the read.

“Slowly, Heather crawls over the thing. She places both hands
on the other side of the carpet. Pushes her body forward.”

- I’m confused as to Heather’s posture here. I’m led to believe the skinless body has her trapped against the wall but is she not still on her feet, standing up? Hence, the grabbing of the carpet to push her body forward has me scratching my head.

Fantastic last line.

Man, this was great. Superb tension throughout, well balanced mixture of light humour and grizzly body-snatching horror!

Not much more to say other than I really dug it and could easily envisage it on screen. Very producible.

Well done.

Col.

Col,

Thank you so much for the read and feedback. I'm happy you liked it.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 “Slowly, Heather crawls over the thing. She places both hands on the other side of the carpet. Pushes her body forward.” - I’m confused as to Heather’s posture here. I’m led to believe the skinless body has her trapped against the wall but is she not still on her feet, standing up? Hence, the grabbing of the carpet to push her body forward has me scratching my head.

I'm so glad you brought this up as it was probably the most difficult part to write, and it's still not correct as I omitted a key action line. When the thing falls out of the clothes rack and Heather shrieks against the wall, she actually slides down and falls on her ass. This will be fixed for the next draft.

Thanks again for your comment.

Chris

Might I recommend watching this with the lights down and the volume up. Enjoy, friends. :)

Wow...that's really, REALLY impressive!

Well done!

Congratulations! I remember that script! Everyone loved it! 8)

Thanks guys! I'm really proud of it. I think they did a pretty fantastic job.

I wonder if Don could post it to the main page. The more hits, the better.

I'm sure he will. He always does.  :)

Quoted from Sham Thanks guys! I'm really proud of it. I think they did a pretty fantastic job.

I was quite impressed too. This is a Serbian film, isn't it? And the director is a young woman, with only a few years of experience. Congratulations to all - including, of course, you. (I loved the ending!)

Manolis

Simple, but effective.  A good old fashioned spine tingler.  Well done, Krisa Samburgera.

Nicely done.

Good stuff.

When you get a decent actor telling a story, it's always riveting.

They always say show don't tell, but telling can also work in the right circumstances, and it does so here.

Good work chris, well done.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Good stuff. When you get a decent actor telling a story, it's always riveting. They always say show don't tell, but telling can also work in the right circumstances, and it does so here.

I was really impressed with the opening myself. I never would have thought to have the girls telling scary stories while painting their nails. It really set the mood and changed the later dialogue for the better.

Nicely done! I really enjoyed that one... Congrats.

James

I speak Serbian. The acting wasn't bad. IMO the dialogue could have been better adapted to Serbian but it was okay.

I didn't like many of the shots used. Especially those in the beginning when the sitter was telling the story in the living room. That could have been shot a lot better. But it was fine. Story worked. Good effort.

Congrats Chris!

I really enjoyed the film. Pretty cool to see something you take the time to write turn into something you can view as well. Nicely done.

-Dirk

Congrats Sham

Liked the short. Very chilling. I liked the actresses. That tale the teen was a urban legend right?

Gabe

Thank you all for watching!

Demento - Other than the establishing shot of the house, those opening shots definitely aren't memorable, but for a no budget film, I think they did a pretty good job overall. I personally liked the nail polish dripping onto the magazine juxtaposed against the telling of the story.

My. Ripley - Yes, the story the babysitter was telling is an old urban legend included by the director.

Thanks again guys!

I meant to comment on this earlier and forgot. Just like before when I found myself in the kitchen. I've still no idea what I went in there for. Maybe it'll come to me.

Moving on. Back to the film. Bloody fine effort on the whole. I think the foreign language element helped step up the tension.

The two actresses were pretty good too. I liked the idea of the end. But thought there was something slightly amiss with either the editiing or a few of the shot choices. Hey, I'm no Scorcese, so whadda I know? Just what I thought at the time.

Overall a fine effort. Good work.

R