Roadside by Derek Reid - Short, Suspense, Thriller - A woman picks up a hitchhiker and experiences both the expected and the unexpected. 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

Derek,

Thought I would crack this open and give it a look. There's no hard-line rule here, but try to limit your use of "ing" ending words and overwriting.  

"Traces of steam are rising from the
block. He’s wearing a hooded light-green jacket to keep the
DRIZZLE of rain from dampening his clothes."

Could read...
"Traces of steam rise from the
block. He wears a hooded light-green jacket to repel the rain."

Make sure your slugs are concise. you go from...

INT. BEDROOM - DAY   to..

INT. HOUSE - DAY - The bedroom is in the house, no? This slug doesn't give me a clear visual as to where we are. I think you want LIVING ROOM here. Also, when moving continuously throughout an interior structure, it's acceptable to use mini/sub-slugs.

INT. BEDROOM -DAY to..

LIVING ROOM - if you use minis in a continuous interior shot, you can drop the INT. and the time of day once you've established it. Once you go EXT. you will need a full slug again.

Story-wise, this kept my interest, but I'll admit I was miffed by the ending. How was this black man able to pin the robbery on the Hispanics? What was the gun shot? Did the Hispanics come to the abandoned house?

Not bad, though. Has potential. You just have a good deal of loose ends here that need to  tie into the story more. Like, who was the woman in the first car that this guy got out of???

hope this helps some.

James

Thanks for reading and the advice! Especially re: 'ing' and the sluglines.

Spoiler: Travis is supposed to be a (possibly) super-natural presence that saves Julie from being murdered at the Bed and Breakfast. Perhaps I was much too vague about it and need to make that more explicit in a 2nd draft.

Hey Derek,

Read your script... have to admit its a similar theme to my own short on here. Supernatural stuff always intrigues me.

A couple of things. 1: you describe internal thoughts without showing them visually. for example you describe her personality "Liberal white woman, who fears strange black men, but feels guilty about it" I'm paraphrasing here. I think you need to show that more... like when she makes the comment about the Klan, perhaps she apologize fearing she was insensitive. And when he's cool with the off color remark, she relaxes then he pulls the knife.  (I realize hiding the purse show this, but only apart of it) You write mental thoughts a few times through out, I think you need to actualize them into visual action or dialogue.

2: Yes the opening woman probably needs to be addressed a little further, otherwise there's no need to have her in it at all.

3: The conversation with the police bothered me a little, I don't know if a real cop would give information on an investigation if he thought it was a prank call. And then her dismissive attitude about filing a kidnapping... I mean she experienced a pretty traumatic night. I get she is in shock but still, this revelation probably could use some work. It feels a little rushed.

All that being said, I enjoyed it and this of course is just my thoughts on it. Keep on writing.

Best,
Kev

Kev -

Thank you for your reading time and input. I included the first woman in an attempt to 'up the suspense' but since multiple people are like 'WTF's up with her'  ;D I'll probably just edit that scene out.

The rest of your ideas have been well received. I don't think the fixes will be that difficult and will add to story clarity.  8)

Do you have a link to the script that you refer to? Wouldn't mind checking it out!

Derek,

I think you got a good idea, but it needs more tension and interaction between your characters. I would explore this story more, you got a lot of possibilities. Going from the dialogue, "Two of every animal" I would think that Travis is an angel. To me, it's seems contradicting that he would need to hold a switchblade to Julie, lock her in a room and let a bunch of people get iced. Or maybe Travis isn't has nice as I think? Maybe Travis has something to prove?

My point is that a story is always better when you raise the stakes. Julie didn't seem like she had anything worth losing really. Good twist at the end, but giving your characters purpose will make it that much more mind blowing!

Thanks,
Johnny

Johnny -

Thank you very much for reading!  8) I sort of envisioned this as a first in a series (a la Hulu's 'The Booth At The End') with Travis as sort of a supernatural anti-hero. Although I may not actually write another... since the couple shorts I'm working on are mostly just for practice. So if this were to continue I may have included just enough info to be interesting... but yeah, if it turns out to be just a one-off you're right in that a bit more character info/motivation would have probably raised the stakes.

Hey Derek, here is the link to my short.
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1353717371/s-0/#num9

Thank you for your interest.

Now, our stories are completely different it was just a theme that I felt was similar...(and not that is a bad thing or anything) However, It has not been getting all that great reviews. But please feel free to read and or comment. I am like you, just learning. :)

Best, Kev

Hey Derek,

This one isn't too bad, but like James said, feels a little disjointed and incomplete. Your response "Travis is supposed to be a (possibly) supernatural presence that saves Julie from being murdered at the Bed and Breakfast" is a dynamite concept, but I didn't get that idea from the script itself. Try to go back and explore that more so it becomes more apparent to your audience.

Some quick notes:

As James mentioned, stay away from passive verbiage.

As Kevin said, try to avoid internal thoughts that can't be filmed.

On page 1, Julie and Travis need to be named as soon as they are introduced.

On page 11, "exists" should be "exits."

On page 8, when Julie checks the ignition for the keys, don't have her shout the obvious. We're smart enough to know she's not checking the ignition for a tampon.

Overall, though, this was an easy read and worth the trouble of another draft. Good luck!

Best,

Chris

I really liked this but why would Travis save Julie and not the people at the Inn?

You should introduce JULIE instead of WOMAN. I know what you're trying to do, but the audience doesn't know her yet, so it doesn't matter. It's easier if you just start her with JULIE.

And when you switch from MAN to TRAVIS, it should look like this:

MAN/TRAVIS
I'm Travis.

JULIE
Nice to meet you.

TRAVIS
You too.

Your dialogue, while good, was on the nose in some spots.

TRAVIS
Get out of the car

can simply be

TRAVIS
Get out.

And here:

JULIE
Doesn’t lock, damn it.

Obviously, it doesn't lock. Either her facial expression changes or a "damn it" will suffice.

I don't like the ending. It's a surprise but not really a twist. And the opening? Is that supposed to have some significance? He likes white women? I think we should start with Julie and cut out the first part. Focus on Julie, the bad weather, and then Travis.

Sham/ABSteel:

Thanks for the advice! Especially regarding the several lines of too literal dialogue (I agree) and introducing the characters by name early. I waited a while initially on introduction because one source I read about formatting (my edumacation thus far has been cobbled from multiple random sources on the internet lol) stated something like 'wait till the characters introduce themselves by name'... but that can be kinda convoluted and unnecessarily confusing I agree (thought that even as I was writing). Actually I submitted one other short along with this one that is even worse in that regard - but it was just a goof inspired by a dream I had featuring screenwriters and existing actresses (not porn lol) and might not even get posted.

But anyway, consistent tips here which is good. Much rather have a couple well-defined areas to work on then a bunch of conflicting ideas pointing all over the place.

Kev -

Thank you for the link! I will check it out tomorrow when I'm not half-asleep and let you know what I thought in the thread you listed!  :)

There's nothing wrong with getting your info offline, as long as it's form reliable sources.

It's a good script that needs to be tweaked.

Quoted from ABennettWriter I really liked this but why would Travis save Julie and not the people at the Inn?

Oh, almost forgot this. My idea was that Travis would be wandering around 'helping' people that had assisted him in some way (ie: Julie picking him up in the rain) and isn't just 100% benevolent. This was another of those 'hinted at but saved for a possible future installment' sort of things.

Oh, then you should've mentioned that. That didn't come across at all.

If you wanted to go that route, then you could've shown a couple passing by Travis in the rain. Then, when they're describing the victims, the audience may get the connection. It's a leap, but it could work.

Or, have Julie pass by the old couple driving really slow, and when she hears that an old couple was killed, she could flashback to them.

Quoted from ABennettWriter If you wanted to go that route, then you could've shown a couple passing by Travis in the rain. Then, when they're describing the victims, the audience may get the connection. It's a leap, but it could work.

Nice! I think White Woman #1 is officially being replaced with this! Although you will have to content yourself with a 'special thanks' in the credits.  ;) :P ;D

Glad to be of service. :D

What I still don't understand is how easy it all is. You have a great opening, but I don't understand the switch. Too many unanswered questions about Travis. We know why he kidnapped her, but how did he know about the murders? Vision? Is he from the future?

I think this could be 8 or 9 pages long. Once Julie gets back in the car and turns on the radio, she learns about the murders and that two Latin men were captured. The end.

The best thing about this script is that its low budget. We don't necessarily need the rain, but it helps. Two old people will just as easy bypass a guy in good weather. Finding an empty farmhouse is going to be the hardest part.

You could have her find the note in her purse, or maybe behind her visor, instead of at the cafe.

It's a good story but I don't think it necessarily works as a short film. It could be a nice beginning, but Julie is pretty passive. The major events happen without her.

Uh-oh, the second David Lynch-y type story I came across yesterday.  (Sorry, I couldn't reply until now.)  It seems this story, on the other hand, wasn't meant to be confusing on purpose.  I think this story might be a case where the story was clear in the writer's head, but it never made it to the paper successfully.

Hey Derek.

I heard Stephen King say before that every writer should have a haunted house story in their arsenal, and a hitchhiker story in their arsenal, so I'll let the originality factor on this one slide.

While there are elements that can work here in a story, it comes off way too convuluted and unexplained by the end.

Austin's (ABSteel) brought up some good points and some good advice on fixing the story up a bit, but it's going to need a lot of work to make this one click with everybody.

The first white woman was already brought up, so I won't dwell on that.  What bewilder's me the most about the story is what happens at the house she's held captive.

What was that gunshot at the house all about, if the shooting happened at the B&B?  Why was everything wrapped in plastic after she got out?  Why wasn't it wrapped n plastic before?  I guess you could say it's all part of the supernatural element to the story....  but why?  It doesn't seem important to the final outcome of the story.

I thought this was going to have a moral about not judging a book by it's cover, but at the end I can throw that out the window.  First, we have a black man who seems nice, then we go the stereotypical route by having him pull a knife on her.  Then, it ends up the black guy was doing her a favor, (all the while freaking the hell out of her?), so that brings back the moral of judging a book by its cover, but then everybody ends up getting blown away in the end by people of a minority group anyway.

It's just a way too convuluted idea as it is now that needs to be answered within the parameters of the story, and not by your explanation in this thread.

Congrats on an initially good idea, though.  Although it won't be the most original story, you still have some things to develop it more and work from.

- Mark

Quoted from rc1107 Uh-oh, the second David Lynch-y type story I came across yesterday.  (Sorry, I couldn't reply until now.)

No problem. Thanks for replying at all! I'm taking all these comments and saving them in Word. Take a couple days to digest them and then either revamp the short or just stop putting off the second draft of my feature script.  ;D But either way you all of been quite helpful here.  8)