Unexpected Hero by Jeremy S. Noe - Short, Action, Sci FI - Two masked thugs attempt to rob a convenience store in the early morning hours, but are thwarted when one of the customers becomes an unexpected hero. 13 pages - pdf, format 8)

Just a few things Jeremy, you should try keeping action paragraphs less than three lines or it just hurts your eyes reading fat paragraphs after paragraphs. Also, some wrylies that you put should actually be in the action paragraph itself. I'll leave it there unless you're on the boards? If so, give me a pm. Another thing, take those continued at the end of the pages out. Nobody uses them any more and they just add extra unneeded fat to your screenplay.

I assume this is a Webisode? If so, it's a pretty good start. The dialogue here was decent, the writing could use some work but it wasn't bad either. I'll give you a little more info if you're around.

Hey Jeremy, read the script, if it is a webisode, I think it could make for a good one.

Don't know if the title fits though... an unexpected hero to me seems that it would be unexpected even to the hero himself.  What about "Damn Dude, I didn't know you were a hero" Okay so you don't have to go with that  ;D

I would like to have seen something more with the get away car kid, other than he just takes off. I mean even having him try to take off but then the car dies as an extension of the guys powers or something like that. Then he has to run on foot...  or something that'll really scare him, so he stays away from the life of crime... I'm not sure and its not bad as is.

I like that he doesn't want to be any where near the police or military, but maybe this is because he already knows what they will do to him from past experiences?

Just a thought on the robbery, you make good tension with them trying to hurry and get out, the running down of the clock as it were, but then it fizzles out by having them stick around once they get their money. To me it would make sense that they would take off once they got the money and not stick around to play tough guy. But what if they try to take off and find the doors are locked on them, this would still give you the stand off etc... but now have a reason to escalate the tension.

One last little thought, you could probably just refer to the robbers as Dracula and Mummy from the get-go. No need to say their real names then change them immediately after. it adds confusion and unnecessary fat to the script.

Okay, all that being said, I enjoyed it. Best of luck..

Best,
Kev

Thanks nawazm11 and KAlbers for the read. The CONTINUES at the beginning of each new page is a software issue and since I'm using the free version, it won't allow me to remove them. It's the same with the title page. But, your critiques will be taken into consideration.

Yes, it's intended to be a web series (once financing is obtained) and I would like to ask the writers on the site that if they would like to write for the series, to PM me. We can begin a dialogue on fleshing out a back story and broaden the universe for this character to play in.