Quote Friendship by Chris Ramos (chrisr) - Short - Travis narrates the story of his best friend Cole; while teaching us a valuable lesson. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Chris,

Geez your writing has come a fair way in the last few weeks hasn't it? Definitely an obvious improvement on the last bit of writing of yours that I saw. Maybe it's your time spent at SS, maybe you've been somewhere else. Idk but there's definitely an improvement.

Ok, so decent writing put aside, there is still one thing that stuck out for me. The "CUT TO's" and "DISSOLVE TO's" are not needed. Transitions are solely down to the director, not the screenwriter. Remember, your job is to tell a story without interruptions. Including transitions is an interruption and isn't needed.

The log-line is something that needs some serious attention in this one. I don't know, but it just doesn't read right. It didn't really entice me into this one, your name did. Unfortunately, I haven't got any suggestions as to HOW you could actually fix that one up, I'm afraid. Sorry. Definitely get rid of the "while teaching us a valuable lesson" part. That lets the reader know that there's a twist coming. The last thing you want is for an audience to expect a twist.

This is a cool little piece. I wasn't expecting to like it and I think the humour is subjective in many ways, but it worked for me. It's a decent bit of writing with the signs of a story that works.

A nice improvement mate ;D

Dan

P.S. Might do you well to read a couple more scripts. Get yourself known around the boards. Cheers

Hi Dan, yeah been reading lots of scripts lately.

About the CUT's and DISSOLVE's, I wasn't sure of what to do so I decided to add them. I did my research but couldn't find anything.

I tried really hard with the log-line but, I couldn't think of anything. What you see up there is the best I could come up with. :S I know, that's bad.

Thank you for reading and commenting. :)

Chris

Hey Chris,

Good effort and I enjoyed this story, though it did feel a bit drawn out with all the day after day scenarios and I think you could have approached this differently.

Just a few things I picked while reading:-

In the dialouge at the beginning you mention "Comma" a comma is one of these ,,,,, so i think you should have said "Coma"

You are also directing by saying "Cole wears different clothes" I feel you should be specific and say "Cole walks in and wears a flanelette shirt"   "Cole walks in, wears board shorts and a tank top" this will give the impression of different days.

Also you mention "Same room" many times??? Keep this in the slug and make the slug INT. TRAVIS'S HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY

Also noticed "Travis sitting on the couch" cut out the ing's. "Travis sits on the couch"

I think the storyline is good though more work is required with the execution.

It was great to read and I would love to have another read once you have amended it.

Good work and keep it up.

Alex

Hey Chris,

Not much I can say that Dan and Alex haven't already pointed out to you. I liked the twist at the end, never saw it coming. So kudos to you for that. Congrats and best of luck on future scripts. - Dirk

I thought this was decent but I think the cursing was a bit much towards the end. Overall It did keep me guessing where it was going so good work.

AlexS-- Thank you for commenting. I didn't feel the need to describe what Cole wears everyday because it's really not important, it's not a key point to the "story." Also Cole doesn't enter the room, he's already there. I used the weather to give the impression of different days; it's like a sequence, but I didn't know how to write it in a sequence. :/ If you could help with that.

Thank you for reading.

Chris :)

Dirk-- Thanks for reading and commenting. :) I'm still learning. :)

Chris :)

Ectoplasm-- Thank you for reading and commenting. I was really worried about someone getting offended with the language, but I left it like that cause after all, not everyone is going to like the stuff you do. Also it depicts Cole's real personality. I'm making corrections so softening the cursing won't hurt. :)

Thank you

Chris :)

Chris,

If you're referring to a person, it's "lies down." An object "lays", but that's kind of nitpicking.

In Travis' V.O., you put "comma" instead of "coma."

Not really sure about the scene transitions... there's no rule against them, but IMO, it takes you out of the story, reminds you you're reading a script.

Also, you use "exited" instead of "excited." Using the automatic spell checker isn't enough. So through, line by line, and make sure you're not mixing any words up.

The "Cole wears different clothes every scene" line kinda stuck out, since it seemed like telling and not showing. Maybe mention him wearing different clothes at the beginning of the scene when we first see him, not at the end of the scene. But again, this is kind of nitpicking.

Be sure you capitalize character names. I noticed a few places where you said "cole."

Haha, liked the ending. The cursing was fine, IMO, and funny. I liked the contrast between that and the rest of the script. I didn't see the twist coming at all, so good job on that.

Overall I enjoyed this. I don't think I've read any of your other work, but I'm guessing from the other reviews that you're a newer writer, and if so, this definitely has potential.

Even though we eventually discover that you're subverting this particular melodramatic trope, I still became instantly bored while being subjected to it. Even in parody, there's no excuse for uninteresting storytelling, and the V.O. is extremely uninteresting (though, obviously, necessary). I wonder if less of the story could be unfolded in VO, and if there could be some dialogue to fill that role as well?

What I'm trying to get at is this, I guess -- no matter what, we need a sense of interesting conflict right away. The problem here is that the conflict -- the coma (or, comma :)) -- is intentionally uninteresting. What this means, though, is that there needs to be an indicator that a more interesting conflict is coming, some sort of out-of-place element that clues us in that all is not as it seems.

Consider Lonely Island's video for the song Jack Sparrow, which pulls off a similar gag. Although we're forced to sit through an intentionally mundane first verse to set up the gag, we've already heard Bolton passionately mention the Pirates of the Caribbean films, an unexpected setup that pays off when the first chorus kicks in. To me, what your script is missing is a similar setup.

I really liked the script overall. The joke is funny and other than as above, I think it's well-timed and structured. The swearing is not too much. It's not easy to make an impact these days, and more particularly, it's very important to establish that Cole isn't just slightly different, but entirely different, from the image we have of him up to that point.

Just needs that initial hook, or people might tune out too quick...

Finally, I think putting the "lesson" in a SUPER at the end is weak. Was there specific reason for this? I bet you can set this up and get it in without the SUPER.

Good stuff!

Chris,

First of all. When we start the story at the beginning,  When we are in the hiospital room scene,  Travis should be Cole. Because Travis is deathly ill and cannot speak., Making him impossible to read a book with a (V.O.) Voice Over capability.

All you need to do is make Cole the patient and Travis the reader and visitor.

On page 4,  Eliminate the parenthical wrylie instruction of (for the fifth time)

It doesn't move the story forward, Simply write out Cole's character cue as follows:

                                       COLE
                       For the fifth time,  I"m  Not!  I'm
                       just  dehydrated.

Please cut out all profanity words.

Now you have a great Twilight short screenplay.

Darryl  

Chris

You can probably cut out the “Same room” in every scene. Just change the slugline to “TRAVIS’ HOSPITAL ROOM” so we know it’s the same room, job done.

“He moves his hands as if Travis could see him.”

- Change “could” to can“

TRAVIS (V.O.)
All day I waited, but nothing; he
didn’t show up!...

- Put the exclamation mark at the end of the ellipses.

This was a sweet, heartfelt, tragic read for the first three pages before it took a 180 degree turn in the most unexpected fashion and I liked it even more, purely for surprise value if nothing else.

One thing I’d change would be the Kardashian reference. Those sickening, soulless, lowering-the-standards-of-humanity creatures shouldn’t be afforded any acknowledgement of their existence whatsoever. Let us erase them from our collective memory. Oxygen thieves!

Also, the overt swearing is perhaps a little overkill. I know you want to turn the built up impression of Cole being a great friend completely on its head but look to doing this in a more effective way rather than just throwing a torrent of expletives at us.

Other than that, this was pretty funny and it had a moral...albeit a hijacked one ;)

Col.