Lucky Parrot by Rutger Oosterhoff (vancety) - Short, Comedy - Killer babe finds a 'one on one" way to sell her paintings. - pdf, format 8)

To be honest... for a four pager, their should be no mistakes... it should be a clean draft.  Several typos, your comma placement could be better, and...
...the writing is somewhat green.

Example;  "Jane takes one of her GIANT HAIRPINS out of her hair with which she playfully TAPS Jock on his forehead?  (Heck, you could probably get rid of "out of her hair" as well)

"With force she stabs the jock in his forehead."  He's name is Jock and yet, you're calling him one here as well.  

Maybe... "Jane JAMS the hairpin into his forehead."

"A sigh of relief" sounds much better.

May I make a suggestion;  rename "JOCK."

You took the time to emphasize the "painting" so I assume it most be important to the script, then... let us know what we are suppose to be looking at...if it's blank then make it so.

I didn't find this piece funny... at all.

I had to read this twice, not much inkling of a story here.  JMHO.

Good Luck, and keeping writing...

Ghostie

Hey Rutger,

Going to have to agree with Ghostie on this one, although I have very little to say about this script.

It is a bit over-written in places, so you might want to trim it down a bit. As a three page short, the final film should come it at about three minutes... I think you're working with a lot less than that.

I see you have a username so You've obviously been on the boards at some point. I'll wait for you to make an appearance before I add anything else.

Cheers,

Dan

Yep, agree with the Ghost - you can't have so many obvious mistakes right out of the gate, especially in such a short script.

I stopped as soon as the leaves started rustling on the American football field.  I guess there's a bunch of trees on the field as well?

This needs lots of attention.  It appears you know how to write, now take the time to show you also care.

Good luck.

Thanks you guys for the quick feedback. I appreciate it. I will '(try to) take your advice to heart and correct what needs to be corrected.

(1)
I guess (by only reading this) you can see I'm not a native American. I was trying to get rid of the most obvious writing mistakes but being dyslectic doesn't really help. But I know, in this world there are "NO" excuses. Next time I will try to work harder.

(2)
Could load up the photo of the parrot painting but that would be cheating. Hmm -  How to describe a abstract painting that if you put all the puzzle parts together could be a parrot with pipe but, if you wanted to look at it from a different perspective, could easily be something completely different. And you cannot film "…  could easily be something completely different".

(3)
"…started rustling on the American football field.  I guess there's a bunch of trees on the field as well?”  I know at least  cliché but I had to describe the scene a bit more than just say they are walking off a field. But there are trees beside the field so there seems to be logic in leaves lying on the field and. It must be autumn. And it's filmable!

(4)
And yes, at the end it's for the reader(/movie public) to decide what is funny and what is not. A writer can only write what he/she finds funny. If it's (to) sexist or not I don't know. Where does being sexist  even start.  And is sexism used in a film per definition a bet thing. But I know, that is something for the discussion board.

(5)
I guess there is not much of a subject besides a serial killer that is having problems paying for college/university through selling her paintings. Oops, I used the "ing" form.

(6)
I build up a short from just one scene. A scene I only wrote as a sort of research for A movie called "Serial Twins". But this project -for standard reasons - is not coming from the ground (yet). I need a screenwriter but first money etc etc etc......

(7)
Maybe you could even say until now you have been kind to me regarding the fact that  I did not really brought the characters to live and did not give them a real background.

Hmmm some of my selfreflection profes I have been lazie...

...Damn Dreamscale, your (as always) "sharp" as a razor. Or am I sucking up now? Or are you just to "just" - meaning -  (to) Honorable and fair in one's dealings and actions". And am I again failing to be funny now?

Don't know if it's worth reposting the short but I’ll see.

'quality' writing is difficult...

But hey I still have untill 21 december to become a better writer....or did I miscalculate?

With regards,

Rutger

I liked the tone of the piece, I could 'see' the script - apart from the picture on the t-shirt/parrot thing which lost me totally. If you could find a tighter story I think you could deliver it well though. Cheers for the read. (and if there's any explicit explanation you could give of what's going on? just so we know ;) )

Hey Rutger,

I was about to jump ship on the opening paragraph:

“The room is almost empty”

I have no idea why you would have this line, only then to tell me there is a large bed, wooden table, cabinet, small desk, rucksack, a hanging framed invitation and a king-sized bed. Why not throw in a pool table and jukebox as well. Were any of the items in this room that important?

In saying that, I made it to the end…

And have no idea what it was all about?

I just read your post which has clued me in. But this needs some work to bring that story out because right now, it’s just three pages of things happening that makes no sense. Give it a re-write and try to get the story across more clearly.

Good luck and keep writing. :)

Steve