Fuck You For Rejecting Us by Jango Nash - Action, Adventure - A freaky cop has to chase down two soulless boys, who want to avenge their broken hearts and rejected souls by killing them. 95 pages - pdf, format 8)

Jango,

Nice title you got there. Not sure if it's really that marketable, but anyway...

Okay, so your formatting is good, but your writing has a lot of issues.

Let's take a look at your first paragraph:

"CHERRY and DETECTIVE SHELLS, suffering from torticollis spasticus: his head always tilts to the right side."

Okay, first, don't introduce characters like this. It's best to only introduce one character per paragraph, because more than that makes it easy to confuse characters.

I've also found that you give no details about the characters other than their names. I'm not saying you need to describe their eye color, but at least give us an age.

There's also a grammar issue with this. You say "Cherry and Shells" but then say "he", as if you're referring to them as one person. And the tirticollis spasticus line doesn't make much sense, anyway. A lot of the time, you're telling, and not showing.

Like this:

"One can ask: why would she date him? One can also ask: why would anyone date him?"

How does this serve the story, at all? Or better yet, how do you film this? Like I said, you need to show, don't tell. Only write what appears on the screen.

"Shells fist" should be "Shell's".

Next scene...

You say Jimmy Frost is in his sedan in your action, which is redundant. It's best not to repeat your sluglines in action lines, unless necessary. Just write "he sits shotgun."

Cool names, by the way. Johnny Frost...Winston Blank...only a guy who titles his script "Fuck You For Rejecting Us" would come up with those...

Anyway, another problem is some sentences are passive. It's a problem I used to have. Rather than writing "Winston is running" write "Winston runs."

Anyway, I like the premise of this. It's definitely got the potential to be a really fun, hilarious action film, but the execution is just not there yet.

Hope this helps.

Will

Right off the bat, the logline is an issue, as it's poorly written to the point of being very confusing.  I mean, what is it supposed to mean?  Who is "killing them"?  What does "soulless" mean here?  "Broken hearts"?  "Rejected souls"?

Not good, and if a single sentence can't be constructed to read well and make sense, I know damn well what the script itself is going to look like.

Hey Jango,

I read up onto halfway down page 11 before I stopped. Unfortunately, the concept didn't really grab me, and the script was riddled with errors.

Thee first glaring issues are in your first paragraph; issues which I won't go into, as Crooked Owl identified them perfectly. But nonetheless, these issues made the script hard-work, as I had no idea how old Cherry and Shells were. I was guessing they were youngish characters, as Cherry works as a waitress, a job which (at least in my experience) is common among twenty year olds. However, later on, she's talking about how the young generation don't respect them.

Next issue I had was: "Jimmy and Winston tie bandanas around their heads, concealing everything below their eyes." You mean they tie bandanas around their faces. Tying it around their heads refers to actually tying it around their head, like a biker would do.

Next, you give us nothing when you introduce Camilla and Heather. How old are they? What do they look like? Same thing with Jimmy and Winston, actually. Then Winston's line: "This ain't China, bitch." I don't really understand this. Not really a major issue, as it makes Jimmy look like an idiot, which I'm guessing is your intention. And his later line: "I afraid I ain't till I get my freefill" needs to be "I'M afraid."

The next exchange between Cherry ("I will call my boyfriend. He's an officer. A police officer") and Winston ("I am soo scared") does not ring true, either.

I also don't see what the point of introducing Danny in that scene was? What does he bring to the scene?

I had a major issue which the opening line of the next scene: "Shells, masturbating on the floor (not unto) pulls up his pants." I had no idea what that means. Do you mean he is sitting on the floor? Or standing, and jerking off onto the floor? I hope the former.

The scene on page 7, where Shells suddenly chooses Winston's application is far too coincidental for my liking, as well.

Page 7- "Winston sits on the hood of his Suburban. Danny stands in front. Their disputing." You mean "they're".

This whole scene is very confusing. You don't say that Jimmy is present, and then suddenly Jimmy is talking. I thought that Jacob was just a guy working in the burger joint, and then suddenly he is getting involved in the conversation about buying weed? Why even have Jacob in the scene? He's not integral to the plot. Cut him out and have Winston and Jimmy go straight to Drake's crib.

The scene on page 11 ends with: "SCENE WHERE THEY SELL WEED?"

Which is precisely where I stopped reading. I stopped reading, as this does not appear to be a finished draft. There are typos and grammitcal erros left-right-and-centre. You need to fix them, before anyone will sit down and look at this.

Some other tips: introduce your characters betters. Give us their age, and a brief couples words description. Your writing is passive. Characters "sit behind the wheel of a car", they're not "sitting behind the wheel of a car". You need to sort that out, also.

These issues stopped me getting into your script, but, I would have been able to look past them if the general idea or concept was mind-blowingly good. Now, you might have a great concept or story here. But you failed to really show what's in store for us in the rest of the script. So far, the scenes seemed unrelated, not part of a story. What do we know so far? Not much. Cheery says no to Shells' proposal. Jimmy and Winston vandalise the uni. They sell weed. Winston is rude. Shells likes to masturbate on the floor, and is in charge of investigating the graffiti. Danny doesn't really have much use apart from a few words of wisdom for Winston (I would seriously consider merging Danny and Jimmy together). Where's the story? Is it going to be Shells investigating the crime? So far, nothing has really grabbed me. The crime Shells is investigating is far from serious. What is going to happen if he fails to catch the culprits? Not much. Where is the stakes there? Where is any of the character's motivation for doing what they do as well? Also, this is posted in the action section, but I have not seen any action so far... Action scripts normally open with some sort of action scene, so the audience instantly knows what type of film they are watching. Something else to consider.

The first 10 pages is your chance to get the reader on your side, to capture him and not let go until he has finished your script. You've got quite a bit to work on before that can happens.

Hope this feedback helps.

Toby.

The title of the script is offensive, and it should be changed.  It will not go anywhere if you do not.

Quoted from coldbug The title of the script is offensive, and it should be changed.  It will not go anywhere if you do not.

Not meaning to be contrary but there was a script on the Black list a couple of years back called "I want to F*** your sister".  So the title really isn't an issue.  

Quoted from mcornetto Not meaning to be contrary but there was a script on the Black list a couple of years back called "I want to F*** your sister".  So the title really isn't an issue.

;D ;D ;D  Yeah, but we all know that script was a piece of crap and where has it gone now?

Not to be contrary, either, but I highly doubt any title with the word "fuck" in it, is going anywhere..at least without a name change.

Quoted from Dreamscale ;D ;D ;D  Yeah, but we all know that script was a piece of crap and where has it gone now?

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0996949/