Not sure if your still on this site, but I’ve read the first twenty pages.
Logline: I enjoyed your logline and hoped you would be writing a character piece. From a plot viewpoint it sounds like reading any standard crime-drama. I was hooked in by the conflict of beliefs that the officer would have and the contrast of his life before joining the gang and after. Sadly, it seems that you didn’t take this route.
Format: You use passive in some of your action lines and this should be changed to active, for example.
You say, “Boris driving”.
Should be: Boris drives.
Don’t use words like us or we in a script, as it takes the reader away from the story.
I'm not too familiar with the exact drama format that you used, but a Fade In: should go in the Teaser as well.
Show don’t tell. You wrote, “Santino is old school NYPD and tough as nail.” Grammar is a bit off but hey I’ll ignore it. On film how is the audience supposed to know he is old school and tough as nails? There are a few things you could do. First describe his body movements and clothes. You probably won’t get that far with those ways to describe old school and tough as nails. It’s usually going to be through dialogue and the actions he takes that will show this.
From the way Corrigan quickly extends his hand, we get a real sense of Vladimir’s power and authority. Simply saying Corrigan quickly extends his hand to Vladimir is enough.
Tell me the body movements that show Vladimir’s power, such as a hard handshake.
In some of your headings you are too specific, instead of writing Corrigan’s Dealership, write Dealership. Even better describe what type of dealership it is in the action lines or dialoguet. No where in the script specifies that he owns the dealership, so are we to assume Corrigan owns the leadership because he sit at a desk.
When writing a character's age specify it and write it like this, Fedorov(42).
Content: I enjoyed the opener somewhat, since I can see this being a really slick neo-noir show.
Yuri seems explosive – looking forward to the boom.
Small touches. I enjoyed the white teddy bear falling next to his face.
Honestly, my problem was that nothing surprised me in the teaser.
Seems that no one has a strong connection to one another. Have at least one pair be close. Would like to see the gang members bond a bit more, they should be close. The only relationship that you show is between Ivan and Yuri, which is filled with jealously. Though I know your building to a partnership with Vladimir and Ivan.
The lead up of Santino and his detectives busting into the bar was anticlimactic. The first encounter between them should be intensified. It just seems they pulled the trigger to soon on hoping to bust them (Maybe that was the point though). If the audience were shown the defectives building the case thoroughly, but then being outwitted by the gang, that would be intense.
Just wanted to let you know, even if Ivan were a minor in Russia, he would get more than three years in jail for murder.
I loved the part with Corrigan’s secretary (Though it could’ve been better executed).
I was disappointed with Ivan’s flashback; I really think you should describe the sequence of events of Ivan ice picking a man for stealing his cigarette. Describe his facial expressions, maybe conversations with other inmates about who stole his cigarette.
Montage of them collecting their protection money could be cut down a bit.
Write more dialogue. I want to see more interaction between the characters.
Who’s Gregor? He just came out of nowhere.
Was the point that everyone wants them dead? If so make it clearer.
Question: Will Little Mike continue to be ironic?
I enjoyed your first five pages. Good clear writing but it really fell off after that and felt as it continued to drag on. Interest me more with the characters, as it seems that the plot was standard. You've ever watched or heard of the show Hunted? Kinda like your script, it's a beautiful directional piece with a story that doesn't seem to execute.
I’ll add more detailed notes to ACT I and keep reading if you respond. This is only my viewpoint and others may enjoy certain aspects that I didn't.
Don’t rush, man. The story didn't seem to match up with the logline. I wanted to see the undercover cop and his life.