Say Suicide by Anthony Cangiano - Short - A man after grieving his wife's battle with breast cancer and the loss of his employment slips into a state of depression. When setting out to his suicide mission the plan is foiled by an unlikely source that changes the course of events. 16 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey there...

This was 'ok' for me. The dialogue needs work. Spelling mistakes and stuff need cleaning up.

The story for me...I honestly think it would have ended better if you ended it after he gets hit by the car. I mean you took us to the cliff's edge, gave us some backstory as to how he got to that point...and then ironically, even after he went over, he was saved....only again to ironically be hit by a car.

I think this type of story is good. I like the twist but I think you overused it. Just my opinion.

Overall a good idea. I don't like the title for this. And you may consider a VO at the beginning when the bird flies overhead. Those type birds have a lot of symbolism of things to come etc.

Hello Anthony.

Starting off, you're capitalizing a lot of words.  Capping words is used for introducing a character, a sound, or putting emphasis on an object.  You've capped 40 or so words in the first page alone.  Not only does that kill the power of using that trick, it makes it a bit awkward to read.  I too am guitly of the same crime in my last work so I've heard about it.

This intro is a bit overworked for me and shows quite a bit but it's all about a guy's messy appearance and the cliff.  You also tell us a few things that are unfilmable ("a man on his last moments on earth, a man forced to this position by his own will").  I would like to see some facial expressions.  You're tellling us he's a tortured soul but what is his face telling us?

In dialogue, "continues" go up beside the character as "CONT'D".  Don't need "continued" at the tops and bottoms of pages either.  Also, when you're finished with flashbacks, use the mini slug END FLASHBACK or RETURN TO SCENE instead of rewriting the original slug.  CUT TO's are also not needed.

"Steve suspects a rehearsed speech."  "Steve begins to fear the worst."  Show that Steve feels these things instead of stating them.  Remember, we should only be able to see and/or hear things in the action lines.

Got to page 5.  I'll give more feedback if you show up but hopefully this helps.  Best of luck with your writing.