The Tin Man by Nick Schaedel - Short, Drama - A man sifts through the fragments of his marriage in the aftermath of a tragedy. - pdf, format 8)

Hi Nick,

Unfortunately, this one didn't quite work for me. That's not to say it won't for others though.

It really should start with a FADE IN on the left hand side, and I'm not sure that starting it with a flashback is the best way to get things going. What was it a flashback from? We haven't been introduced to any characters yet or any locations, so it was hard for me to see why it was included.

Some of the action was perhaps a little overwritten to and could be condensed a tad. Although your descriptions are good and easy to visualise, I had to read the first couple of paragraphs again as you refer to isaac being a teacher, the kids having an instructor, and Em being their teacher. Perhaps it's me, but this just confused me a little.

I thought the dialogue was pretty well written and realistic, but I thought the ending was a bit too abrupt. Perhaps a show of affection between the two on the way home would have rounded it off nicely?

Kip.

I didn't feel for the characters in this script.  And, when you don't feel for the characters, you really don't care what happens to them.  Upon reading the ending, my response was 'ehhhh...'

You need to come up with a little more than what you have.  If you asked to to tell you about Emily and Isaac's personality, I wouldn't be able to answer you.


SPOILER SPACE

Emily is in her early fifties and pregnant?  That's kind of late in her life to have a kid.


Hope this helps.


Phil