Couch by Tony Danek & Mike Jernigan (linksy5555) - Short, Comedy - The first part of an animated mini-series that my writing partner are hoping to have on HBO or Showtime. Two screenwriters are writing an epic Vietnam movie for Oliver Stone. They interview a mentally disturbed veteran with a cocaine addiction, and hilarity ensues. 24 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Guys-

I liked the story and the premise, but thought the dialog was too stiff at times - not conversational.

Example:
"I have to say, you two really are the hottest things in the business right now. Your film "The Point", is breaking box-office records for independent films, and has won every Independent Spirit Award that anyone cares about. Hell, Spike Lee said it’s the only white movie worth seeing."

Realistically, they would have already known about their box-office records and awards without meeting with their manager. It might be a better read if it were more conversational, like:

"You two are on fire! 20 weeks and 'The Point' is still gushing cash at the box office. And the awards? Forget about it, it's winning everything every week. More awards, bigger paychecks on the next one. Hell, even Spike Lee loves it, and he hasn't liked anything white since Chinatown."

Hope this helps.

-Rich