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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Series  /  Bedtime Bible Stories
Posted by: Don, February 19th, 2013, 11:32pm
Bedtime Bible Stories Episode 1 by Will Ball (albinopenguin) - Series - It's Robot Chicken meets the Bible. Don't read lest your soul be cast into eternal damnation. 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

Bedtime Bible Stories Episode 2 by Will Ball (albinopenguin) - Series - Do not read lest your soul be cast into the eternal fires of hell. 15 pages - pdf, format 8)


Posted by: rc1107, February 20th, 2013, 12:09am; Reply: 1
Well, these certainly aren't renditions of 'The Illustrated Bedtime Bible' that my mom used to read me when I was younger.

What's up, Will?  Good to see something new from you.

A couple people'll probably find a couple of these a little bit appalling, but I know you like to do things in good fun, so I know you're not purposely trying to piss people off like others do who post offensive things like these.

I gotta say, I can't point to one of these stories and say I didn't enjoy it or get a laugh out of it.  I also can't point one out as my favorite because they were all quite enjoyable.  Every single one deserves to stay there and, honestly, I can't wait until episode 2.  :-)

Pretty funny, Will.
Posted by: crookedowl (Guest), February 20th, 2013, 1:04am; Reply: 2
Hey Will,

I enjoyed this. Quick read-- even got a few laughs out of me. I agree with Mark, every one of these belongs. I hate to say this, but I really don't have any complaints. Nice job,

The Other Will
Posted by: Pale Yellow, February 20th, 2013, 7:43am; Reply: 3
Wow...definitely different than anything I've ever read ...just wonder...are you going to do an animated web series out of this?

The writing is good. Quick read as stated before. You may catch some bad publicity from this lil piece BUT any publicity is good publicity sometimes!

Write on Will!
Posted by: Eoin, February 20th, 2013, 8:51am; Reply: 4
Hi Will,

Some laughs in here for sure - that 'Too Soon' episode, yeah . . . some people would say 'Better Never, Than Late'.

Only mistake I spotted, Page 9:

JESUS
Listen guys. It’s not that hard. If
you believe me in, then you can do
anything.

I think that should be 'believe in me'

Nice writing.

Eoin
Posted by: CoopBazinga, February 20th, 2013, 9:35am; Reply: 5
Hey Will,

Well, that was a humorous read and I loved the nice addition of Yoda. It definitely had a Robot Chicken feel to it like the logline said.

I particularly laughed at “silent cries for help”

Look forward to episode 2.

Enjoyed it.

Steve
Posted by: Ex_R_AY, February 20th, 2013, 10:43am; Reply: 6
Really well done!

Haven't laughed that hard at a short... maybe ever. I really like the the direction you took with the stories and didn't make them so ONLY bible based (which was what I was expecting), But integrated some pop culture references and current events.

Too soon? and In a parallel universe were probably my favorites.

I really didn't see anything wrong personally. I think in the Gods hangover clip you accidentally said adam and even. But other than that minute misspell. Totally awesome.

You're really funny man. Good job!

Andrew
Posted by: albinopenguin, February 20th, 2013, 5:37pm; Reply: 7
Hey everyone!

Thanks for the love. Really glad you're digging this. I'm on my 3rd draft of a feature right now, so I've been writing this on the side (when I needed a break). I have SO many ideas for this, so I'm sure I'll be writing ep 2 in the near future.

The biggest challenge for this was determining how obscure I should be. I want this to work on several levels. I want people who barely know the Bible to find it just as funny as those who know it front to back.

As for bringing this to life, I envisioned this as a series of real life clips with cheesy costumes. If you ever went to Sunday school as a kid and watched those shitty VHS tapes (when the teacher didnt feel like teaching), then you probably know what I'm talking about.

Regardless, thank you SO much for reading and leaving feedback. Feels great to be back on the boards!
Posted by: Bogey, February 20th, 2013, 7:22pm; Reply: 8
This is a scream! Please work Palin into the next episode!!
Posted by: bert, February 20th, 2013, 9:56pm; Reply: 9
Not bad at all.  Although something of a mixed bag overall, this one certainly had its moments, and the stuff I did not care for was over in a flash anyway.

For feedback on future efforts, I would advise you to keep them nice and short, as you have done here.  Do not let any of these skits overstay their welcome.

As for this:


Quoted from albinopenguin
I want people who barely know the Bible to find it just as funny as those who know it front to back.


I would focus more on the former -- unless you are being subtle just to amuse yourself, which is fine -- but I expect very few of the latter are in your target audience for this sort of material.

But nicely done.  Left me wanting more, which happens all too seldom.
Posted by: Ledbetter (Guest), February 20th, 2013, 10:14pm; Reply: 10
All in all, it was Okay but...

But using Cassie Bernall, who was murdered during the Columbine massacre for professing her Christianity, was IMO in extremely bad taste.


Unlike Bert, I wasn't left wanting more.

Shawn…..><
Posted by: irish eyes, February 20th, 2013, 10:26pm; Reply: 11
Hey Will

I was gonna cry copyright infringement  for a min :D

Page 2

Solider should be soldier

I enjoyed parting of the lazy river and there is another savior.
You had some good stories here short and sweet.

nice writing

Mark
Posted by: albinopenguin, March 2nd, 2013, 2:15pm; Reply: 12
Thanks everyone. Really appreciate the help/comments. I'll definitely keep all of this in mind for Episode 2. And I agree, short and sweet is the way to go.

Furthermore, I want BBS to stoop as low as humanly possible. Nothing is sacred and nothing is off limits...especially people like Cassie Bernall (which upon research, actually didn't confess her beliefs on the day of the shooting but rather two weeks prior). Regardless, sorry you found it too extreme Ledbetter, even if you are located in my daughter's room :)
Posted by: JimElder, March 5th, 2013, 2:31am; Reply: 13
G'day Will,
Loved it.
Don't know what your on,
but it's probably illegal in Australia.
Can't wait for the next.
Posted by: albinopenguin, March 5th, 2013, 12:10pm; Reply: 14
haha thanks Jim! My dealer always hooks me up.

So apparently this script is pissing a few people off. Look at the PM I just received:

"Just wanted to tell you your script is disrespectful, offensive and utter garbage.   If you wrote that kind of cr** about Muhammad your name would be on a death list.  

Lest you repent, you WILL be held accountable for it on the Day of Judgment.  And just so there's no mistake, JESUS is the judge.

On a semi-positive note, your formatting is pretty good."

Now granted, I'm not going to say who wrote this message (out of respect for said individual). But it is a bit cowardly not to post this in this thread.

Can't tell you how happy I was to receive this. It means I'm doing something right...

More anxious to write episode 2 than ever!
Posted by: M.Alexander, March 5th, 2013, 2:58pm; Reply: 15


Oh I'll definitely speak up, Will.   I posted a comment this morning regarding your script and it got deleted by what I can only assume was a mod.  So you can take that "cowardly" comment and put it where the sun don't shine.   ;)

You've got some big kahonas writing a script like this.  But then again, the fact that you're still alive and breathing is proof-positive of God's grace.  He's slow to anger and slow to wrath.  I, myself, am living proof of that as well.   Now you might think you're being funny, but in actuality you're playing with dynamite.

Just be forewarned Jesus once said, "I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak".  - Matthew 12:36

It's a serious statement.

Good luck.  
Posted by: dogglebe (Guest), March 5th, 2013, 3:15pm; Reply: 16
Sorry Will, but this one fell reallt flat for me.  It was just random one liners and scenes that popped into your head as you wrote.  There was no flow between scenes and, for the most part, the jokes weren't funny.

FWIW, I laughed out loud at, "For Christmas, I'd like a pony."


Phil
Posted by: albinopenguin, March 5th, 2013, 3:34pm; Reply: 17
In that case Michael, I apologize and take back that statement about being cowardly. If there's one thing I hate in this world, it's an Anonymous Andy. I respect everyone's opinion, just so long as they voice it openly and not behind closed doors.

Regardless, glad you spoke up and shared. Although I very well could be alive because there is no God and there is no such thing as justice. But we won't travel down that path today. Neither you nor I will sway the other's opinion, so going into a pointless debate would be just that.

And thanks for the read Phil. Yeah it's not supposed to have any sort of cohesive nature whatsoever.

Thanks for the read you two. Sorry you didnt enjoy it more...especially Michael :)
Posted by: bert, March 5th, 2013, 3:37pm; Reply: 18

Quoted from M.Alexander
I posted a comment this morning regarding your script and it got deleted by what I can only assume was a mod.


Yep -- In the interests of full disclosure, that was me.

In fairness, the post was only two (very unflattering) words long.

I do not intend to delete your other post, Mike -- though I have received requests to do so -- as it seems Will is actually pleased by it.

My question is why would you even read this in the first place?

With all the material on these boards, why would you actually seek out things that you know are only going to piss you off?

Maybe that is wording it a bit too strongly, but you know what I mean.

It makes no sense.
Posted by: albinopenguin, March 5th, 2013, 4:08pm; Reply: 19
Thanks Bert, I appreciate you keeping us in the know. If I were in your position, I would have done the same.

If the mods will allow it, I'd love to hear what those two words were. Michael and I had a brief private conversation. Very pleasant and docile over all. But I love what Christians have to say about this (and I'm not being facetious). Because ten years ago, I was in the exact same place Michael was standing. Call it nostalgia if you will.

I read Michael's message with the happiest of grins. It means that I'm on the right track and encourages me to write more. Can't really explain why, but I promise you it's not out of an ill intentions. I think I like giving people a sense of purpose and fulfillment, a chance to stand up for what they believe in.
Posted by: M.Alexander, March 5th, 2013, 4:34pm; Reply: 20



@Bert - In answer to your question, I held my peace for weeks regarding this script.  Couldn't hold back any longer.  I've said all I have to say about it so I won't engage in any more discussion with Will over it as history has proved situations like this only end up being a farce and causing nothing but unnecessary drama.

@ Will - The two words I posted earlier regarding this script were "utter garbage".   And for the records that statement stills stands, IMO.  But to each his own.
Posted by: albinopenguin, March 5th, 2013, 5:02pm; Reply: 21
Thanks for being respectful Michael. I ensure you, no unnecessary drama will ensue. Hate pointless squabbles so it's best to avoid them if possible. I hope you read episode 2!
Posted by: M.Alexander, March 5th, 2013, 5:22pm; Reply: 22



Quoted from albinopenguin
Thanks for being respectful Michael. I ensure you, no unnecessary drama will ensue. Hate pointless squabbles so it's best to avoid them if possible. I hope you read episode 2!


Back at ya, Will.

As for reading episode 2, I'll probably take Bert's advice and just avoid it like the plague.  But I did find a useful purpose for this episode.  I printed it and used it to line my cat's litter box.  Mister Whiskers loves it.    8)




Posted by: jwent6688, March 5th, 2013, 5:41pm; Reply: 23
Will,

I found this amusing, but not up to par with Christmas Shoes Blues. I still chuckle when I think about that one. You jump around too fast here. The only thing that made me laugh out loud, and it did, was Yoda's line.

I admire the fact that you are not afraid to make light of religion, but you still have to have a good story. Too many characters for a twelve pager and you're endangering yourself of becoming a one-trick pony. Is obvious you have issues with Christianity. Your writing is good, but lets be honest... Nobody is going to film this.

Eitherway, I will still tune in for the next episode.

Cheers, James
Posted by: albinopenguin, March 5th, 2013, 5:53pm; Reply: 24
@Mike-  haha it's okay, I line my cat's litter boxes with pages from the Bible. He's a big fan of Paul's letters to the church. I assume it's because Paul was full of bull s hit.

@Phil- now I have a mess to clean up on my computer screen. It's not as dirty as it sounds. Was drinking a glass of orange juice when I came across your post.

@James- thanks for reading! Sorry you didn't like it as much as Christmas Shoes Blues. But I appreciate the call back! And really glad you liked that one. In fact, I might incorporate that sketch into BBS. And it's okay if no one films this. Because I want to film this.

Thanks guys!
Posted by: M.Alexander, March 5th, 2013, 6:00pm; Reply: 25


Quoted from albinopenguin
@Mike-  haha it's okay, I line my cat's litter boxes with pages from the Bible. He's a big fan of Paul's letters to the church. I assume it's because Paul was full of bull s hit.


Sure thing, Will.   Famous last words.   ;)

All right, but seriously, tempting as it is, I think we're both adult enough to avoid this back and forth B.S.

Best of luck to ya.
Posted by: albinopenguin, March 5th, 2013, 6:07pm; Reply: 26
Haha seriously, I don't mind going back and forth. But for the sake of the boards, it's probably best that we drop it. Don't want to get banned with you (haha)

Best of luck to you as well friend. Would be happy to return the read.
Posted by: Don, March 6th, 2013, 6:51pm; Reply: 27
All,

Stay on topic.

Don




Posted by: jackx, March 16th, 2013, 2:58am; Reply: 28
Your tag was pretty exact when you said robot chicken and the bible...
Fairly funny stuff, though if you went much longer i think it would lose any of the audience that wasn't stoned.

P2 solider should be soldier.

The king James version was translated for.....King James, not in biblical times.  The bit still works, but if making fun of it, should still be historically accurate.

I've always heard snitches get stitches, might flow a bit better than "end up in ditches"

I agree that the bit about columbine is just dirty.  You could make the same joke without involving an actual situation with actual murdered children.  Bad taste isn't groundbreaking or controversial, it's just bad taste.

Other than that, pretty funny.  But if you are doing feature length, definitely need some longer bits to retain interest for non goldfish.
Posted by: albinopenguin, February 4th, 2014, 2:11am; Reply: 29
Well you asked for it. So here it is. Another installment of BBS. Thanks for posting Don!
Posted by: NickSedario (Guest), February 4th, 2014, 8:45am; Reply: 30


The Hangover/Last Supper idea could've been promising if handled properly.  In this case it wasn't, IMO.  Too many instances where you take things too far.

I'm a Believer so my opinion is very bias.   But even if I wasn't I'd find this script to be borderlining on sheer stupidity and utter disrespect.

I can only assume you were going for that.  On a positive note, your formatting is pretty tight.
Posted by: Heretic, February 4th, 2014, 12:00pm; Reply: 31
Episode two:

Not much to be said, but this probably amused me about on par with an episode of Robot Chicken (that's a good thing). The one thing that fell pretty flat for me was Charles and 9/11 and so on. The "God has no plan" aspect just feels like it's a joke told too many times, and the idea of God missing things because he's doing something menial actually sorta works against you, I think, because it operates on the assumption that God is in fact all-powerful, if not all-knowing, and that he is in fact in the business of stopping evil from happening, when he notices it.

I felt like the element of shock was fairly well used, except for the Mary Magdalene BJ gag. It's a funny enough image, I suppose, but it's the one that stood out to me us utterly arbitrary in its provocation. Felt like it was trying too hard.

But yeah, other than those moments, mild giggles all around. Thumbs up from me.

EDIT: I should add on the question of provocation that I do think you did a good job of slowly ramping up to the most "offensive" material. I may not be the best measure for what is and is not offensive in this context, but you seem to open with some slightly softer gags and gradually build up, which I think works well.
Posted by: James McClung, February 4th, 2014, 10:42pm; Reply: 32
Hey man,

I liked this new episode better than the last one. You've struck a nice rhythm comedically with how the clips have been arranged. They didn't feel haphazardly thrown together. Not that they did in the last episode but indeed, this one felt much more calculated and cohesive.

The jokes were a mixed bag but for a most part I enjoyed them. I feel like you throw different kinds of humor out there even though the raunchy stuff seems to be the dominating force. Not all of them are going to work.

I found the best jokes to be simple, quick, and nonchalant. Gags like The Burning Bush strip club or the directions to God's house. They almost read like comic strips but that's what made them fun. The Biblical details enhanced them as well.

The only clips that really felt flat for me were Freud vs. Joseph and Two of Every Kind. The first one, I just didn't get. I mean, obviously, this dude's brother is cleaning up his cummy sheets but beyond that, I'm either out of the know on some Biblical or Freudian reference. We can't be the smartest everyday, I guess. Two of Every Kind was sort of funny but just not funny enough. I thought Yahweh was some kind of weird phonetic spelling at first so when it appeared the second time and I put two and two together, the joke had already failed.

There're a few titles that appear at the bottom of the page. This is no good and one of the reasons I don't use Celtyx. The fact that a writer can't see page breaks AND type at the same time is not a fair trade for auto-formating in my opinion. It's also fucking bullshit.

A few typos as well. A quick once over should clear them up, I think.

Hope this helps.
Posted by: albinopenguin, February 9th, 2014, 3:55pm; Reply: 33
Hey guys,

Thanks so much for the feedback. I realize this isn't everyone's cup of tea due to the subject matter. Furthermore, the bit about Joseph might have been a little too obscure. Regardless, I want to write a third episode and take the best bits from each episode and then film it. So knowing which skits worked and which ones didn't is super helpful.

Thanks again for your help!
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