The Nibbler by Divij Kak - Short, Action, Adventure, Murder Mystery - Viren Shah is a young boy who lives in Dallas with his parents and his older sister Nalini. He goes to “Spencer Junior High”. He is popular and is the captain of the swimming team and is also a 4.0 student. However he possesses an idiosyncrasy of nibbling his friend’s noses out of love and affection and in his senior year a girl whose name is Michelle Thompson is found murdered and her nose severed and the police officers suspect Viren. Has he committed this heinous crime or is he being set-up by a cold, calculating murderer?       45 pages - pdf, format 8)

Divig-

The formatting needs work, but that's not my strength, so I'll leave it to others to make those suggestions.

The logline is far too long, and reads more like a synopsis, so you'll want to narrow that down to a sentence or two. I'm happy to make a recommendation, or feel free to PM me for more.

I only read the first few pages, but the style and cadence of the dialog reminded me of a parody of a 50's sitcom, which I don't think was your intention. Read it out loud, and you may agree.

I'll tackle the remainder as time permits.

-Bogey

Divij,

I agree with everything Bogey said. To be blunt, the formatting is all over the place and your dialogue is on-the-nose and wooden.

Your logline is pretty long too. You've got a lot of unnecessary details there. Basically, all a logline is is a very brief rundown of the plot. In short: protagonist, his goal, the obstacle, and the stakes. "A popular teenager is accused of murder and must prove his innocence". You get the idea.

You've got an interesting idea here-- popular kid accused of murder. Not 100% original, but I like the "popular guy" angle.

Like I said, your formatting is pretty rough, so get some formatting software. Trust me, it'll make life easier. Celtx and Trelby are good, and both free.

Read about formatting online, too-- I won't go over everything right now, since I'm not totally sure yet if you're around to read this. A good place to start is http://www.scriptfrenzy.org/howtoformatascreenplay. You'll improve even more if you read some screenplays and keep writing and rewriting.

Hope this helps, and I hope this doesn't come across as harsh. Take care.

Will

45 pages is a little long for a short :D

Also your pages should not be numbered on a spec script..

Too many formatting errors... I'll see if your around before further commenting.

Mark

     Thanks a lot guys for the advice.I have made the respective changes.
  
         Divij Kak