Acknowledgement by Gary Stocker (Galvedere) - Drama - “ACKNOWLEDGEMENT” is a bittersweet modern drama set in the sleepy Suffolk town of Ipswich. It tells the personal story of Sixteen year old Student, Isabelle Newley, Whose life falls apart when her beloved stepfather, Jack, is killed. 91 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Gary.

Your logline isn't working for me or at least everything before "Sixteen" (for the most part).  A logline is a good inkling of what to expect and with the grammar issues, things aren't looking too good here.

Don't use camera directions in your spec script.  Stick with the story and only the story.  Let the director and camera crew worry about the actual filming.  Action lines should be at four lines or less.

You're also using "we see" which is flat out unnecessary since we see and hear everything in the action lines.  Take 'em out.  I suggest naming the old man (Jack) right off the bat as soon as he shows up.  It just reads smoother IMO.

You didn't intro the woman either.  If they have dialogue on screen, then it's a good idea to introduce them so as the reader isn't confused by the dialogue coming out of nowhere.  Looking back, Aimee also pops up out of nowhere.  You don't introduce her either so now I'm jumping back and forth.

Sorry but I stopped on page 2.  Not a lot happening since the two pages are cluttered with small talk and camera directions.  These first few pages are critical for building hooking the reader and building rapport and that wasn't the case for me here.  Sorry if I sound a bit tough but you'll get it.  Wish you luck on your writing.

Johnny

Need to work on that dialogue. It's very, very stiff. Not the way people really talk. It's loaded with exposition to inform us readers.

I read 10 pages and I do like the story. It has my interest, however, at the expense of sounding harsh, the dialogue is poorly wriiten. Clean it up and you might have something here.