The Prophet Of MacArthur Park by Shawn L. Wilkinson (slwago) - Drama - In MacArthur Park, Los Angeles, an Investigative Reporter and others watch a man walk ONTO the lake, meditate and walk away; he returns the next two days affecting lives.  SINGLE LOCATION, 125 PP. (sequel in progress) 130 pages - pdf, format 8)

Shawn, I strongly recommend that you stop writing any sequel until you learn how to properly write a script.  You're formatting is way off, making it difficult to read.

Your biggest problem is that you are too heavy-handed in what you write.  Your logline:

Quoted Text In MacArthur Park, Los Angeles, an Investigative Reporter and others watch a man walk ONTO the lake, meditate and walk away; he returns the next two days affecting lives.  SINGLE LOCATION,

can be better written:

Quoted Text A man who can walk across water in a city park catches the attention of many and changes their lives.

Your 31 words versus my 20.  Which sounds better?

The first page of your script is a very detailed description of the park.  AND, IT'S IN UPPER CASE!!!  Do you think readers are going to remember all the details?  And why the hell is it in UPPER CASE???  

You can initially describe the park as a small park in the middle of a large city.  Give us the rest of the IMPORTANT details as the story requires it.  Does the reader really need to know that the park is eight square blocks?

Why do you introduce characters in UPPER CASE and on the right side of the page?  And why do you include unfilmables.  You should only describe people (and scenes and everything else) in ways that can be viewed or heard on the big screen, or ways that can be filmed by a camera.

Quoted Text Sound of high heels clicking on concrete comes from tunnel.   Black woman comes out of tunnel and stops.  In each hand is a paper coffee cup with white lid and steam coming from the cups.                                                   WOMAN IS KEYSHA, LATE 30�S,                                                   YOUNGER SISTER OF ARISHA; LOCAL                                                     NEWS INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER;                                                   WEARS SUNGLASSES; EXTREMELY WELL                                                   DRESSED WITH BLACK LEATHER                                                   SHOULDER PURSE.

This description just waved a huge banner, saying "I don't know what I'm doing."  All I see is a black woman coming out of the tunnel, with coffee.  Yet, from this, I'm supposed to know that she is a reporter and that she's Arisha's sister?  How?

Try it like this:

Quoted Text KEISHA (35) steps from the tunnel, her heels CLICK with every step on the concrete.  Attractive and stylish, she steps over to Arisha with cups of steaming coffee in her hands.

You don't need to show things like what her job is.  Or that she's Arisha's sister.

I strongly recommend reading some scripts, here, to learn a little about proper formatting.

Hope this helps.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe Try it like this: Quoted Text KEISHA (35) steps from the tunnel, her heels CLICK with every step on the concrete.  Attractive and stylish, she steps over to Arisha with cups of steaming coffee in her hands. You need to show things like what her job is.  And that she's Arisha's sister. I strongly recommend reading some scripts, here, to learn a little about proper formatting. Hope this helps. Phil

Haven't read the script but just wanted to underline this is good, solid advice.

Phil:  Thank you for the suggestion(s).  I agree, your logline sounds better.  My format is from a template given to me by a person who supposedly had a script optioned.  Obviously I need to change it as I have 2 other scripts written using it as well.

Thank you,

Shawn