Peck by Dave - Short - A slacker no longer believes in himself after once again failing to fit into the real world.  But some still have hope. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

This script, unfortunately, did nothing for me.  Even after just reading it, I don't remember it.  There was some driving and someone got stabbed.  This, I believe, is because you didn't develop your characters.  If the reader doesn't care about the characters, he doesn't care what happens to them.

Did you cut an paste this from some other location?  You have some weird margins in some of the dialog.  Lines just end in the middle of the page and continue on the next line.  It's a little distracting.


Phil

Hey Dave.

Your opening slug could use some work.  As you describe your characters, I suggest changing it to something like:  INT. CAR - DAY

Not perfect but seeing as how you have to be inside or at least should be inside to describe your characters, it makes sense.  The honks you can still add.

You'll want to keep your action lines to 4 lines at the most.  Break it up or skim down on the detail.  Is the black hoodie partially drawn over her head really necessary?  What about the fact that she has a sandwich and coffee in front of her?  These things you can add as you go on if you want.  Jules can sip on her coffee during that beat you have between Drew's dialogue.  BTW, I don't recommend using "beat" in dialogue or action lines.  Just like "CONTINUED" or "CUT TO", it's become unnecessary in scriptwriting from what I've learned.

The theatrically wrylie seems strange.  Maybe dramatically?  Don't know why but when I read that part, I pictured Drew announcing his lines like some broadway performer.  I'm weird, I know but that's what it came off as to me.

"Patrons and employees inside the restaurant..." the "inside the restaurant" seems pretty obvious.  Suggest cutting that part out.  The "...start to" part as well.  Just have the patrons and employees look at their table.  Short, sweet and to the point.

Just like Jules, I'm starting to get fed up with Drew and his mopy, whiny attitude.  It's great that your protagonist has flaws but he should also have some redeeming qualities as well.  All this has been is him complaining about how much of a loser he is for three pages.

"It's already won."  I didn't get that line.  Maybe you can show up and explain that part?

"When I met your, the world was your oyster."  Sorry but I cringed at this line.  Just too cliche for the moment.

At this point I'm really starting to hate Drew.  Like I genuinely want to punch him in the face just to shut him the f*** up.  Again, your protag has to have some sort of appealing quality but nothing.  In fact, he feels more like the antagonist to Jules who really wants to just get away from him.  If this is what you're after, great job but then your should flip around your logline.

The stabbing at the end...Waaayyy out of left field with that one.  I thought at first that she was just playing along with an imaginary knife but it looks like she just killed him.  In a way, I'm glad she finally shut him up but this ending is just...can't find a word for it other than wrong.

This story just didn't cut it for me.  Five pages of Drew blabbering on about how terrible and pathetic a person he is and how Jules should just leave him, only to chase her down afterwards and call her delusional.  Sorry if this came across as harsh.  The writing isn't bad, just some fine tuning but the story wasn't for me.  Best of luck with your future projects.

Johnny