The Source by Nader Ktait (nmktait) - Sci Fi, Fantasy - In a world where portals exist that bridge the human universe and demon universe, an elderly professor helps a young man, who discovers he's more than just a human, go on the run from both demons and a secret government agency tasked with covering up the existence of demons. 118 pages - pdf, format 8)

I tried my best to finish reading the script, I really did. I got to page thirty before I started skimming.

What really took me out of the story was that it seems like every other sentence was passive - using the 'is doing x' form, rather than the 'does x' form.

There are also quite a few camera directions - angles, close-ups, pans, 'we see'  - that simply shouldn't be used.

You want to make sure that almost everything you write can be shown or heard. Lines like 'It's obvious that Jackson wants to believe him, but he
continues to resist' or 'Jackson is certain that the address is significant.' should be converted into something that can be seen.

Lastly, don't specify songs. It's not certain that the group or artist will give permission for their song(s) to be used.

But, I am interested in reading any rewrites of this. It has some interesting concepts - demons, big axes, pacific northwest.

These are great notes! Thanks so much.