Hi Simon,
[SPOILER ALERT]
Had mixed feelings about the story and ending, on one hand, it can be a very truthful, realistic account of what it means to be a son of an alcoholic parent, but on the other hand, it was depressing to read. Liked the fact that Hannah stood by him in the end, but wondered why he did not contact his grandad. No matter what, it was his grandad's daughter after all.
IMO as Kyle would have felt guilt and sadness at the end, and might have blamed himself as he did not get to his mum, SCARLET, sooner.
There could also be a possibility of a backstory for SCARLET, to make us better emphatize with her character and in turn, with KYLE's efforts to redeem her.
On second thought, Hannah could have been removed from the story to better focus its theme on loss, as there are too many elements for a short. GRANDAD could take on her role in the story. However, ultimately this is your story and vision, so feel free to ignore this suggestion.
Couple of things, please feel free to take them with a pinch of salt:
- Kudos for the specific sluglines.
- Do reconsider the lines of dialogue between KYLE and GRANDAD, they seem too direct and unbelievable.
In such a situation, KYLE would probably have approached GRANDAD about SCARLET's alcoholism multiple times, and GRANDAD would have asked KYLE to stay with him previously, but this was not reflected in the dialogue.
Lines between KYLE and HANNAH could be trimmed and made more believable.
- His grandad lets him go, no point trying to say anything
else, knows he won't listen.
Lines like the above which do not show the action that the viewer sees on screen, can be removed, as they are simply expository and is something the viewer can deduce for himself or herself.
- Scenes 11 and 12 could be excluded. The notion of 'a quiet life' that KYLE was leading was already put forth in earlier scenes.
- Do check on the grammar and for a couple of typos (do tweak the logline as well: mother's alcoholism)
All in all, it was a truthful piece, but could be fleshed out more in certain areas (e.g. KYLE's understanding of his mother's situation, his own feelings towards it) and trimmed in other areas (e.g. lines of dialogue, action, certain scenes).
All the best!