The Collector by Dirk Visser (dv44) - Thriller - A serial killer who snaps photos of his victims and the crime scene with his smart phone must track down a family who purchased it after he lost it. - pdf, format 8)

Dirk,

This was a clean and easy read, but did feel like you may have rushed it along.

I liked the opening scene with the Rangers It worked well. Although I expected Jerry to cop it after he radio's Charlie.

The bar scene with Carl felt as though it may have been more of a filler to show how violent Darren could be, which IMO may have gone a tad too far - was very brutal and Carl died in the end anyway. I believe there could be many different scenes furthur on to depiict his brutality in different ways.

Your logline is intriguing and I can see this going places if executed properly. I'll read on when it's up.

Renee

This isn't working for me so far, it's just a series of events. I don't get any tension with it. Sorry, just MO.

Thanks Renee and Simon for the read. I appreciate you guys taking a look at the script.

Dirk

This was pretty good. There were a lot of characters for me in this first ten...

In the dialogue...first Darren was calling Carl buddy then Carl calls Darren buddy..thought it would be good to keep it with Darren because you want each character to have their own 'different' voice.

I'd read on...look forward to it in six weeks.

Thanks for the read, Dena. I appreciate your advice and I'll definitely be making a few changes to the beginning.

Hey Dirk,

you have any screenwriting programs?  The lightness of the font makes for a tough read.

Anyway, on to The Collector.....

I guess my only complaint would be Carl confronting Darren in the bathroom.  Carl's dialogue made me laugh.  I get he's throwing on a tough guy act, but there's just something about the delivery of those lines that made me laugh.  It's not bad dialogue, it just sounds like something George Clooney would say in From Dusk Til Dawn or something like that.... or maybe it's just me reading it and giving it my own voice.  Either way, the confrontation ends pretty brutal and it reminds me of Drive, where the lead character is low-key, brooding, and explodes into a maniac at the drop of a hat.

Thanks Steven,

I totally agree with Carl's dialogue. A bit cheesy. I focused too long at the beginning scene that when I started to write the bar scene I was rushed to finish. But I love that you saw similar character traits as Ryan Gosling character in Drive. That's what I was going for, a guy who snaps for no reason at a drop of a hat.

Good luck to you and Will, your script is pretty good so far.

Dirk buddy, good to see a script from you.

Try not to start a slug at the bottom of a page, especially when the description is on the following page... it reads cleaner.

Darren kicks Carl in the stomach.
CARL
You couldn’t let it go. Had to keep
opening that faggot mouth of yours. ... I think you mean darren

Nice setup Dirk and I loved the Carl/Darren scene in the bathroom

Nicely wrote overall

keep up the good work and I look forward to your feature

Mark

Hey, Dirk. Up next. :)

Expanding on Simon's comment. The dialogue between the park rangers or whatever needs a good clean up. It's just them revealing backstory in a really obvious way - and just think about it, does it really even matter? Why not start the scene from the truck and have him driving, trying to find Phil from the get-go. It would leave mystery and the whole scene would flow a lot better. Plus, you'd shave a few pages off.

Why would Carl keep backtalking to this crazy psychopath if he was on the verge of dying? It just doesn't seem right to me.

Anyway, I like where this is going. The Bum thing was a smart twist, wasn't expecting it. You've got yourself a good setup,. I'm digging the logline. One thing though, Darren is pretty much an ass at the moment, even more when he's the serial killer. Do I really want to see an ass running around trying to find his phone? Would I rather not have him die? I think you need to do a counter to this problem, make him at least likeable.

Besides that, a good effort. :)

I really liked the end of this. The bum hugging Darren seemed innocent enough. I could really see that. And then we learn he's got his phone. Good one.

Now the beginning with Charlie and Jerry could be stripped down to just the going in with the flashlight scene and finding the blood and bodies.

The scene with Carl and Darren exposes the kind of guy Darren is. The tension there is strong.

Sandra

Dirk, sorry about the delay in getting to this one, man. Things a little hectic at the moment. Gave this one a read and thought it was quite good. A bit of suspense at the beginning leading to a confrontation that played out very well and then a nice twist at the end.  Solid throughout, but do have a couple of points to raise:

The park ranger finds a "red dot on a small rock" with a flashlight. Either that is one sharp-eyed dude, or he has a super intense flashlight. I would find it a little more realistic if it were a splattering of blood droplets rather than a single drop. I did like how he is getting blood dripped on him from the bodies hanging above him and his reaction to it.

I have to ask (because we've only just been introduced to Darren), would it be natural for him to obliterate Carl in the bathroom and risk bringing attention to himself?  Now, I'm assuming that Darren is the killer at this point, and if so, I would think he would want to keep a low profile (well, he has to be a killer, right? He just killed Carl!). After all, the bartender can identify him, right?  Maybe I'm over thinking that bit.

How did the bum get the phone off of Darren?  Nothing in the action shows him as being a pickpocket, but he winds up with the phone after a hug. I re-read that several times and didn't quite understand how Darren lost it.

Otherwise, good start on this!  Good luck the rest of the way!

Gary

All right, last one, I think.

I like the opening. Couple park rangers at the station at night, one of them's missing, so the other goes to look for him. Right up my alley, even if it isn't totally new.

Despite that, I don't know if the opening really works. There's no character development, no quirks-- just two guys at a station. Even if you're just going for an "opening slasher movie kill" type thing... They still need to be interesting.

A couple lines were pretty on the nose. "He's normally very punctual". "I'm going to my truck". "If it's alright with you I would like to go out and try to find him." Etc....

But overall this is a solid read. I want to know what happens next, which means you're on the right track.

I wish I had more to say about this one. I'll get more detailed for the finished feature. Nice work.

Will

Hey Dirk,

This wasn't a bad effort for a week's work, but needs bit of work, especially the dialogue - a lot of it veers between being a bit cheesy or too on the nose.

At the start, there's way too much about trying to get hold of Phil. We have: Charlie tries to raise him on the radio; Charlie tells Jerry he can't get hold of him; Jerry tries to get hold of him twice; Jerry goes to his truck and tells Charlie he's going to try him again; Jerry tries him again; Charlie asks if he got hold of him; Jerry says he's gonna go look for him - it was just way too much. Simply showing Charlie try and fail to get him once, then telling Jerry about it and having Jerry go look for him would be enough.

I didn't buy the way the bum got the phone from Darren. Surely if Darren is a seasoned killer he wouldn't engage in a conversation with some random bum after he's just murdered someone - he'd most likely treat him as a witness and kill him too. And I don't know about you, but if a strange bum approached me and tried to hug me I'd push him away and keep my distance. A psychopath like Darren, who's probably on an adrenaline high from just killing someone else, wouldn't just let it happen, push him to the ground and then run away. A better way of getting the phone in the bum's hands would be if it falls from Darren's pocket when he's climbing out of the window and lands amongst some trash bags. The bum could then come along and start scavenging through the trash for food and - jackpot - he finds the phone.

Overall though, not a bad start - I'm interested to see how the family fit in to things and to what lengths Darren will go to get his phone back.

Quoted from crookedowl A couple lines were pretty on the nose. "He's normally very punctual".

I found that to be more comedic than on the nose.