Almost Gone by Reginald McGhee (reggie) - Short, Comedy - A young teen races against time to find the perfect anniversary present for his sister-in-law.  7 pages - pdf, format 8)

Reggie, sorry, man, but this sure didn't work for me in any way.  I honestly don't get what the point is, what is going on, why whatever is going on is going on, and finally, the punchline - completely clueless.

Lots and lots of mistakes on display everywhere.  Not an easy or enjoyable read, sorry to say.

For most of this script, I thought the 2 main Protags were gay lovers - actually, I'm still not sure exactly.

I have a feeling that you are very young, as this just doesn't read remotely realistically - or maybe better said as, it reads like a very young person wrote this who doesn't really know the ways of the world.

Read and comment on other scripts and you'll get more reads yourself.  SS is a great place to learn and is full of cool peeps who'll be happy to help out.

Take care.

Ok so I read this logline and thought...this could be cool. BUT....here's the log again...

A young teen races against time to find the perfect anniversary present for his sister-in-law.

There was hardly any mention of this at all in this whole story. If you want to tell a story about someone racing against time...this wasn't it. My advice, is to start on page 1 with his dilemna...did he forget at the last minute to get her a present? Is she hard to buy for? Page one ...bam...we are into the story...then throw obstacles at your protagonist....make him have to work really hard to get this present ....before the time runs out!!! And then give us a solution...either he got the present...or he didn't ..or he did and she hated it...a SOLUTION. I know it's easier said than done...but when I write a logline I now tape it up in front of wherever I'm writing..you have to stick to the heart of the story.

Hi Reggie,

Sorry man, but like the other two, this one isn't doing much for me. Essentially my biggest issue is similar to the one Dena (pale yellow) pointed out. The story behind this one doesn't technically dish out what is promised from the very start. To me, there's a lot of detail that isn't pivotal to the story, making this one seem like it has a certain lack of focus. There's nothing urgent with Jacob's manner.

To add to that, the punchline for me was also a bit of a miss. Sorry, but I just don't get it. Comedy is subjective though, so I'm sure someone will enjoy reading this one.

Something I have never understood is why some screenwriters choose to use minor sentences with every single sentence. It's OK for effect, but seriously when you have it all the time, the impact is lost. I minor sentence is essentially an incomplete sentence. It deliberately breaks sentence structure rules, but usually for a reason.

When you say: "He grins.Grabs the keys." - there is no added effect by not completing the sentence. To me, it seems like you're trying to milk emotion that you don't need to milk. You're trying to make things epic, when they're not supposed to be. This is just a personal nit-pick, that I hope no one has a issue with. This comment isn't meant to offend. If you like writing that way, then keep at it. From a personal experience, I like knowing what readers are fussy about. We all have our pet peeves, right?

Keep at it, man.

Dan

I'm 100% with you, Dan.  I've never understood either why peeps want to write obviously incomplete sentences - fragments that are so simple to either complete or add to the sentence in front of it.

Who Knows?  Maybe it's a lunar thing?   ;D ;D ;D

Reggie, sorry mate, I'm afraid I have to agree with the comments above as in the story left me scratching my head a bit. I would hope you take these criticisms in the good spirit they are intended.

The dialog seemed jarring at times and the relationships between the characters could have been clearer.

While I know teenage boys are certainly immature, the Jacob character seemed very childish in his actions, as in more like an 11 or 12 year old rather than a 16 year old, however that may have been just my interpretation.

Finally, the punchline, unfortunately it didn't really deliver for me either. It was a bit on a non-event.

If you're a young writer starting out then keep at it mate. You've got the makings of a decent little story but your just hitting all the wrong chords.

Maybe you could take the comments on board here and have another crack at it. Pale Yellow makes some good points on structure and narrative and sticking your log line in your face while you write and let that drive the story.

Anyway, good luck!