A Positive Outcome by Robert McBride - Short, Drama - A married couple is their child's only hope at survival but a dark secret threatens to kill them all. 11 pages - pdf, format 8)

Notes on... A Positive Outcome

Page -1

JAMES
(eyes never leaving the
phone)
Wouldn't bother me none. We barely
screw anyway.


No need for the wrylie. An actor will know perfectly well how to act playing a game of chess on his phone and holding a discussion with the wife at the same time.


John fakes excitement.

You mean James.


CUT TO:

You may have been told this already, but you don't need to use CUT TO.


Page -4

INT. HOSPITAL WAITING AREA
James sitting in the waiting area.


We only need to know he is sitting as you've already set the scene location in the slug.


Both are a NERVOUS
WRECK.

Show us, don't tell us.


DR.MATHIS
Mister and Misses Frasier.


Misses is incorrect. The correct word is Mrs.


Page -5

DR.MATHIS
Kidney failure. If he hadn't had
the seizure, he may of died. One
kidney completely gone. The other
isn't well enough for him to
survive on.


I wouldn't ordinarily pick this out in dialogue... but the Doctor is an educated man and would know when to use of or have. He may have died, not may of died.


DR.MATHIS
Mr. Frasier it's more to it than
that. Brenden's blood type is AB
negative. Only 1 in every 170
people have that blood type. So we
would need a kidney from a donor
with that exact blood type.


I'm sure the Doctor means that THERE is more to it. Perhaps you should make the doctor foreign, give him a foreign name. As it stands, I would not trust the guy to treat my son.


CUT TO:
A needle is piercing flesh as it's being filled with blood.


You aren't meant to do that. Completely confusing what is happening here. Aside from the fact you don't need a cut to to scene transition, it seems you are cutting to just another part of the same scene.


James rolling down his sleeve. Head hung low. Ambling down
the hall.

The above is all one sentence... like so: James, head hung low, rolls down his sleeve as he ambles along the hall. Also, if his head is hung low he wouldn't be ambling. It's one or the other... if he's sad then ambling is a poor choice of word, IMO.


Page -6

No smile, no frown. Nothing. Dr. Mathis shows no sign of any
emotion.


You only need the third sentence and you could also drop the word 'any'.


JAMES
Denise calm down.

Denise keeps running off at the mouth.

DENISE
(snaps back)
No you see our son!
(to Doctor)
Talk to us both --


No need for the line of action detailing what we are going to hear in dialogue. Also no need for the first wrylie. The one where she switches to speak to the doctor is fine. To be honest I'm having a very difficult time believing this conversation.


JAMES
(fed up)
Denise shut the HELL UP!

And again with another wrylie. All they do is piss actors off, particularly when it's blindingly obvious how they should be acting. I won't mention them again.


Page -8

And like that -- with NECK BREAKING SPEED -- she pounces onto
James...

Her hands around his throat, fingernails in his neck, over
powering him like a Lion would a lamb.

It happened so fast and casual that it takes a moment for it
to sink in. Mathis is afraid. He cautiously runs to her. He
does his best to pull her away but neither man is as strong
as Denise right now.

DR.MATHIS
Mrs. Frazier! Mrs. Frazier!

Mathis tries his best but no one in this room is as strong as
DENISE right now.


Really? You also say that nobody is as strong as her, twice.


Page -9

DENISE
...Needless to say I've never
forgotten that day. I've spent my
life since sharing my story,
raising awareness and praying that
this would never happen to anyone.
You may meet someone that says
their clean, don't feel like you
don't have the right to see the
test. If unprotected sex is
something you feel comfortable
doing than going to get tested
together shouldn't bring you any
discomfort. And a test may be as
recent as two months ago but who
knows what's went on since the last
time they were tested. I don't want
any of you to be victims. You can
live a great live with HIV but live
the best life you can WITHOUT IT.


They're, not their.


Well, I got through it. Although a decent enough story I don't feel that it has been tackled as well as it could have been. Lots of mistakes, almost as though this is a first draft. I didn't feel much for the kid despite what was happening to him, and even after all that the story wasn't really about the kid, it was about the parents having HIV. Which I wasn't interested in at all. A hard going 9 pages... but I'd started, so I might as well finish. I think a complete rewrite is in order.

Great short! This is the 2nd piece of your work I've read so far and I really enjoy connecting with you characters and storylines.

I enjoyed reading this, and thought your characters were written really well. However, I wanted to know how James got infected with HIV. That's it, really.