Blood, Gold & Dangerous Secrets by Joe Fraser (blakkwolfe) - Short, Crime, Drama - A fortune in gold comes between a retired hitman and his estranged nephew. 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Joe - nice to see something new (again) from you - on this tomorrow, but ...

'His bracing his back' might need a re-write.

GL

Simon

Thanks for taking a look, Simon. I appreciate it and will fix that line.

NOTES ON BLOOD GOLD N DANGEROUS SECRETS


Page 2
Antonio appears shocked...

Should be Antonio is shocked


ANTONIO
For this you need a gun? Always
were a lazy coward!


Nice line of dialogue.


Over all a nice tale, well written. Dialogue flows off the page. The only bad thing is predictability. Pretty much from page 1 it is obvious what will happen. I enjoyed reading it though.

Thanks for reading, Dustin. I'll think about how to ratchet up the suspense some. I'm glad you enjoyed it. PM me and I'll return the favor if you have anything you would like me to look at. Thanks again.

Hi Joe - sorry - meant to feedback on this a couple of days ago I wrote some stuff up, but now it's a different computer.

Overal I thouth it was a well-written piece. I liked the 'older than dirt' description for Biscuit, nice nutshell.

I liked the dynamic between the two guys, but I felt that it may have ben better if Dominic had been an old pal of Antonio's - killing Dominic seemed to be a little too easy as he was family - I kind of expected Antnio to stuggle a little more on that front. But I guess you can get away with it as Dominic married into the family.

p.8 Biscuit's body blocked the door (blocks?).

I liked the ending, actually. I liked that Donna had been referenced, and I think that worked well, and it didn't spell everything out for the reader/viewer.

Nice work, Joe.

Simon

Joseph

“His bracing his back, Antonio leans over and pats the dog.”

- What you mean by the “His bracing his back” part. Does he crack his back, like you someone would their fingers?

I’m liking the no-nonsense attitude of Antonio, not your average octogenarian, reminds me of Junior Soprano who, coincidently, was played by an actor named
Dominic.

Strong dialogue between both characters, very natural.

The names “Joey Snake Eyes” and “Jimmy Butterfingers” made me smile , although are they perhaps a bit too comical given the levity of the situation.

DONNA
Thank God. Of course it was...
OBVIOUSLY self defense! He
was...No, don’t be! Uncle Tony did
us all a favor. He was a monster, Marie. An
absolute monster...Trust me, you
have no idea...A package? Hold on.
It’s been so crazy. Shit’s
everywhere. Okay. Alright. I’ll
call you right back. Send Uncle
Tony.

- Shit, that’s cold!

I hope the ending would provide a bit more punch but unfortunately it played to my expectation.

Dialogue wise, this was very well palyed, enjoyable, snappy back and forth between Dominic and Antonio in the main scene but the story I thought lacked any real surprises or invention. Also, the above dialogue from Donna came a bit out of the blue and unprecedented, I mean it’s the first time we meet and she goes off on one like that. I found it rather hard to get behind her and the bounty she receives at the end since I don’t know anything about her except in this last scene.

It felt too much like you included it just so Antonio’s gesture would carry more weight but instead I comes across as too placed and convenient to provoke any actual emotional response.

Yes, it seemed that Dominic was a real bastard but I don’t feel we saw  enough of the complete picture and situation to fully take sides the way I think you wanted us to. By the sounds of it, Antonio was a real ruthless sonofabitch in his day too.

It was very much a script of two thirds/one third if you know what I mean? The first two thirds I loved but the final third disappointed unfortunately.

Anyway, good dialogue, well written technically, I’m just not sure on the story’s resolution.

Col.

Simon- Thanks for the notes...Biscuit reminded me of my old Shih Tzu that I loved dearly- poor thing was 14, blind and deaf but could still smell a treat from across the room. Tried to demonstrate Dominic's killing as a matter of reflex, and that because Dominic realized there was no other resolution...He definitely regretted having to do it. Donna was an issue, as Col mentions- struggled with adding it but wanted a little more than the family at the graveyard scene while Antonio watches on from behind the rain-spattered Caddy window...Thought it played in well with the family is most important theme that Antonio had come to realize through Dominic's actions.

Col.- First line should read, Bracing his lower back with his hand, he leans over... Yeah, he's an old guy so everything hurts, even to bend over.
Gangster names are like that, but there always said with dead seriousness. They earn those names...Snake Eyes liked to play craps and Butterfingers was always dropping things at inconvenient times (Course Paulie Walnuts wound up hijacking the walnut truck). It's a nod to those guys.

Agree Donna is a problem; felt it needed a positive resolution, so went with that...Maybe will change to the cemetery scene instead, more non-verbal but to make a stronger connection between Antonio (who was, as you mentioned, a pretty tough customer back in the day) and Donna and her girls...

Glad you liked the two thirds of it and appreciate your time, thoughts and feed back.