Nick's Rib by Kevin Albers - Short - A cautionary tale on why you shouldn't stick your pecker in any ol’ hole that presents itself: wet and warm, or otherwise.  50 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Kevin - can't remember if I've read any of your stuff yet - but this seemed to be pretty good - I don't have time to do a full read on it yet, but it's worth coming back to. It read well and tripped of the page nicely.

Tone's established early on - teen movie, and I don't know if it's going to offer anything unique to that genre, but it worked well. Dialogue sounds like it belongs to different people too.

Only minor at this stage is that I don't think there's any real need for the repetition of the  'over the phone' wryly - once does the trick.

Oh, and where's the opening visual?

Nice work Kevin  :)

First, thanks Don for posting, you rock!!

@SiCol007
Thanks for cracking this open open - "teen genre'" hmmm, I didn't think of it that way... well I hope I added something new to it... :)

Quoted from SiCol007 Only minor at this stage is that I don't think there's any real need for the repetition of the  'over the phone' wryly - once does the trick

I'm a 100% on you with that - will correct.

Quoted from SiCol007 Oh, and where's the opening visual?

Nick is masturbating in front of his computer, should I go into more detail? 'Cause I will

INT. NICK'S BEDROOM - DAY

PENIS
a hand strokes it.

NICK, 22, a geeky adult with a boyish face, is the master of this penis. He ogles his laptop as his hand pumps vigorously.

--------------------------------

Any better? or am I still missing something?  Anyway, I hope you like the rest of it.... *fingers crossed.

Thanks for your comments and taking the time to read! Much appreciated!


On a side note: This is in reference to another thread, some of you may or may not have followed like a bad T.V. soap/reality show (The Real Writer Enthusiasts of SS) :D, but I just want to say, that I am someone who has difficulty with spelling and grammar. I don't know why, and I hate the fact this is a handicap of mine, but hey, that's life... But a lot of you on here have helped me, with your patients, understanding and generosity, by taking the time to point out these glaring offences to the written word. And not only corrected me, but you did it with humility and good will. And for that I THANK YOU!!! I ain't saying I'm cured, but I'm trying. :)

Best,
Kev

Hi Kev - I'll give this a read tonight.

By opening visual, I meant a visual on the bedroom, and often it's something subtle that helps to sum up the film.

Hi Kevin

Gave this a read & yeah, it's a neat story pretty well put together.

It does come over teen horror, moral lessons re sexuality, but it's fine like that.

you certainly have an imagination, I'll give you that - not too sure where it's come from, nor entirely what goes on in your head, but this is well structured, and the story tightens up well, there's some good unexpecteds in there, and the tension rises well.

p.7
sixteenth chapel - did you mean the Sistine chapel?

He removes an almost full bucket of vadge-juice - a line to remember, but maybe vag-juice?

p.14 your FADE UP: should go right, all transitions bar the first FADE IN: go right.

p.16 a second serge of anger - should be surge.

p. 25 the ice on the balls thing - Brenda's always crunching ice, so I wondered if this was a reference in there?

p.26 Nick greet C-B with a kiss and then you next-line the fact she's wearing clothes - I'd have this at the point you first reference her. Aside, that's nice scene, and up things in a subtle way.

p.31 You got a LATER following your slug, and that follows a CUT TO:. Neither of these are really necessary, as the scene tells itself.

p.35 Good example of show vs tell here:
"It’s a total disaster, a train wreck."
Tells us, but tells us nothing, and what you need to do here is show - things that are pertinent - for example, later, you point out that Nick's desk is upturned - this is the place to do it.

p.36 INT/EXT. CAR is good here, and that avoids you going from a mini slug straight into a dialogue line - if you ever do a script break-down for production the EXT. CAR will sit on it's own, and you've got no clues bar reading back over the script, and if you've got a few over a feature, that'll soon irritate people.

p.37 Brenda drives the action here and that is a mistake. She also drives the car, so the analogy is too strong, figuritely and literally Brenda is now in the driving seat, and it feels like we are approaching climax. Sure she can and should challenge Nick, but he needs to lead the action, being the protag.

p.39

You go to BLACKNESS, but don't FADE IN/UP: again.

gaged - should be gagged.

p.41 til her vocal cords - should be until or 'til.

p.46 Movie sounded like Casablanca?

Nice denouement, but not too sure that it would be to everyone's taste.

But overall this worked well for me. At 50 pages, you might have to think about where to go next with it - you could push it out to a feature, but it'd need more to it in that case - maybe have this happen to a friend of Nick's, and Nick has to resolve it all - not too sure, but I think it's certainly something that could get picked up should you push it some.


Best of luck it.

SiColl007 - Thanks for reading the rest of it. I'm glad you liked, hopefully it made you chuckle too.

Quoted from Forgive By opening visual, I meant a visual on the bedroom, and often it's something subtle that helps to sum up the film.

Oh, okay, I see what you're saying (I think) - in this case I didn't think it was necessary, and I was fighting to streamline this thing the best I could. I had X'd quite a bit of lines I thought this script could live without. But I get what you're saying.

Quoted from Forgive sixteenth chapel - did you mean the Sistine chapel?

Haha, you know, this is probably how I would normally write it and say it, but in this case it was intentional - it lends to the effect of the way the guy talks, and his lack of cultural knowledge (unlike myself ;) )

Quoted from Forgive He removes an almost full bucket of vadge-juice - a line to remember, but maybe vag-juice?

I think you could use both, however "vadge" is more used in reference to the vagina where as "vag" is also acronym to some organization as well.

Quoted from Forgive p.14 your FADE UP: should go right, all transitions bar the first FADE IN: go right.

I was curious about that, thanks for the correction, it makes sense now that I think of it as a transition.

Quoted from Forgive a second serge of anger - should be surge.

Thank you!

Quoted from Forgive the ice on the balls thing - Brenda's always crunching ice, so I wondered if this was a reference in there?

I didn't put too much meaning behind it, but yeah, I made a subtle connection there.

Quoted from Forgive p.26 Nick greet C-B with a kiss and then you next-line the fact she's wearing clothes - I'd have this at the point you first reference her. Aside, that's nice scene, and up things in a subtle way. p.31 You got a LATER following your slug, and that follows a CUT TO:. Neither of these are really necessary, as the scene tells itself. p.36 INT/EXT. CAR is good here, and that avoids you going from a mini slug straight into a dialogue line - if you ever do a script break-down for production the EXT. CAR will sit on it's own, and you've got no clues bar reading back over the script, and if you've got a few over a feature, that'll soon irritate people.

Great suggestion. I tweak accordingly.

Quoted from Forgive p.35 Good example of show vs tell here: "It�s a total disaster, a train wreck." Tells us, but tells us nothing, and what you need to do here is show - things that are pertinent - for example, later, you point out that Nick's desk is upturned - this is the place to do it.

A good example of me trying streamline the script, I guess I got a little too over zealous with it... Your right, although I don't think I need to go in to description overkill, putting something in there is important, and your suggestion is a great one. Thanks.

Quoted from Forgive p.37 Brenda drives the action here and that is a mistake. She also drives the car, so the analogy is too strong, figuritely and literally Brenda is now in the driving seat, and it feels like we are approaching climax. Sure she can and should challenge Nick, but he needs to lead the action, being the protag.

I have written this so Brenda and Nick both are the protagonists in the story, and this scene Brenda does in fact take  more of the lead, and Nick takes the passenger seat, it becomes Brenda's fight and struggle from here on - I mean I chose to have Nick's tongue cut out, he doesn't even talk much after this scene. They both share the story... in fact I kinda wrote this as a love story, albeit not a traditional love story and more of a beginning to a future romance, but a love story none-the-less. That's my reasoning for this choice as a writer, otherwise I don't think the end could work as well as it does now. (but I could be wrong).

Quoted from Forgive You go to BLACKNESS, but don't FADE IN/UP: again. gaged - should be gagged. p.41 til her vocal cords - should be until or 'til.

Thank you again... will correct.

Quoted from Forgive Movie sounded like Casablanca?

It's "The Love Cancer by Franco Fosellini" ;)... The idea is any old romantic/tragic film... so yeah the impression I was going for was something along those lines, but more of an Italian vibe.


Awesome man, thanks so much for the feedback, and for the read.... Imagination and structure are the kind of films I enjoy, so I was trying my hand at it. But I was also  trying to entertain too, and hopefully I was successful in some small way.

Best,
Kev

NOTES ON NICK'S RIB



PAGE 16

Brenda gets a second serge of anger.

Surge...



CLONE-BRENDA
How is any of life possible? It’s
forged into existence by some
greater force.


Bad dialogue... consider rewording.


PAGE 27

She slips her hand in his sweatpants. Nick erects himself,
and shoves Clone-Brenda off him and to the floor.

Nick erects himself could easily be misinterpreted considering he is only standing up -- especially considering the theme of the film.


Clone-Brenda stands, not pleased. She stares at Nick, this
stare gives Nick an uneasy feeling, his posture shrinks from
a dominate man to a submissive slouch.

Here you only need to mention that his posture shrinks to a submissive slouch. It goes without saying that he will have been something akin to opposite that beforehand. However if you really want to use dominant, then it is spelt how I have just done it.


PAGE 28

BRENDA
What can I get started for you?


Just... What can I get for you?


You make similar mistakes throughout.


Well... this is excellently written and your few indiscretions are easily ignored.

At first I thought Weird Science meets Graham Masterton's Manitou... now I think it is Manitou meets Weird Science. More horror than comedy.

Certainly a dark, funny and twisted journey... thanks for sharing.

Dustin,

Thank you for the read and comments, much appreciated.

Quoted from DustinBowcott PAGE 16 Brenda gets a second serge of anger. Surge...

Thank you, I will correct.

Quoted from DustinBowcott CLONE-BRENDA How is any of life possible? It�s forged into existence by some greater force. Bad dialogue... consider rewording.

Being that she is not exactly from this world, I tried to play with her dialogue, a kinda cosmic/biblical/poetic jibber-jabber, however her dialogue could probably use improvement.

Quoted from DustinBowcott She slips her hand in his sweatpants. Nick erects himself, and shoves Clone-Brenda off him and to the floor. Nick erects himself could easily be misinterpreted considering he is only standing up -- especially considering the theme of the film.

Yes, using the word "erect" was intentional for two reasons (in my head) 1. to have fun with puns and 2. he's not merely just standing up, he is erecting himself in a firm and dominant  fashion. I think the visual still made sense, but I am aware of potential trip up in reading it... it comes down to writing style, and i don't mind this choice.

Quoted from DustinBowcott Clone-Brenda stands, not pleased. She stares at Nick, this stare gives Nick an uneasy feeling, his posture shrinks from a dominate man to a submissive slouch. Here you only need to mention that his posture shrinks to a submissive slouch. It goes without saying that he will have been something akin to opposite that beforehand. However if you really want to use dominant, then it is spelt how I have just done it.

good call on both accounts. I will correct accordingly.

Quoted from DustinBowcott BRENDA What can I get started for you? Just... What can I get for you?

This is indeed how some of the lovely and wonderful Barista's in my neck of the woods greet me in the mornings... I figure why always write a typical line such as "What can I get for you?" when I can bring a new angle to it... Usually they say this while someone else rings in my order... but hey for me it's tomato, tomahto... I chose tomahto

Quoted from DustinBowcott Certainly a dark, funny and twisted journey... thanks for sharing.

Thanks for reading, and for commenting, as I said before it's much appreciated... I'll have to return a read.

Best,
Kev

Quoted from KAlbers I have written this so Brenda and Nick both are the protagonists

Okay Kev. I can see what you mean re. the ending, and I don' t think that's a huge problem, but I get your choices completely.

I'm out on this one - I hope you develop it some, and have some good luck with it - but for me, well I keep on trying to analyse it, and I'm just thinking "There's a huge vagina on the ceiling ..." ... and I just don't know what to think  ;D

... but yeah - it did make me laugh quite often, and I'm glad I read through it. I hope it goes somewhere for you.

Simon

Quoted from Forgive well I keep on trying to analyse it, and I'm just thinking "There's a huge vagina on the ceiling ..." ... and I just don't know what to think

Well I think I've done my job then ;)... don't worry though, this ain't autobiographical or anything.  ;D

Thanks Simon for reading and for your input!!

Best,
Kev