The Wow Factor by Samuel Algranti - Short, Black Comedy - Two lovers find happiness at the expense of someone else. 11 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Samuel,

I had a look at the first four pages, before I put this one down. I'll explain why, later.

Firstly, even if you are just in blackness for the entire first scene, you're going to need a slug to cover that up, IMO. Others may disagree with me, but I think a simple slug: BLACKNESS

I notice on the title page, it says you are the director as well. So I'll ignore some of the camera directions you include in the writing.

Essentially, this one is in desperate need of a re-write to clean up all those grammar and spelling issues that pulled me right outta it. It almost seems like you've written this in a hurry and posted it up here, without really reading over it. That shows a certain amount of carelessness that no potential producer is going to like. Part of the way you present yourself is in your writing. If you don't make a good impression, your script won't be chosen...

-"i" should be "I"
-"your" should be "you" on Joseph's second line
-"u" should be "you". This is a piece of writing, not a text message. Stay on the lookout for details like this. It turns people right off.

Your parentheticals aren't currently correctly aligned. They should look something like this...

                                             JOSEPH
                               (Sarcastically)
                   I don't think I am....

Not...

                                              JOSPEH
                   (Sarcastically) I don't think I am...

Remember to introduce your characters in CAPS.

I was out on page three or four. It's quite clear that these guys are quite funny, but trying to get through the many grammar and spelling mistakes is frustrating for any writer to try and get through. This could be an absolutely amazing story, but unfortunately the writing isn't quite up to par.

Rewrite it, read some scripts here and learn.

Cheers,

Dan

This was an absolute chore to get through thanks to the abysmal grammar and spelling.

However, I really liked the story and think you're onto a winner here. The characters were quirky and it's a pretty original little script.

Tidy up your writing and I think this has a lot of potential.

Cheers, Levi

Thankyou guys for your comments, i know my grammar and punctuation is unforgivable, i apologise for this. I can understand that it appears at first glance that this is lazy writing, but i simply have a mental block to grammar and spelling, i have rewritten this script almost 50 times. However that is not an excuse, and i will do better.

Secondly i am grateful that both of reviews so far have problems with the technical and not the creative elements of the script. so thank you again.
sam

Hi Samuel,

I enjoyed the script, and think Levi is right when he said it has a lot of potential, IMO it still needs a-lot of work, but since you are directing and you have a producer, in this instance I would say who cares.

On the flip side though, posting a script which looks as if it's a rough first draft isn't going to help sell you as a screenwriter.  I suggest copy and pasting your script into a grammar checker (free online one), at least that will help with the basic stuff.

Good luck

Michael

Hi,

I liked the story -- the plot and all that.

All I can tell you is listen to Dan. I think he already pointed out the problems.

I liked the twist. Keep writing.

Chris :)