The Waiting Room by Gary Stocker & Paul Stocker - Short, Comedy - Who is Rowan? Why the white suit? Questions, questions, questions. Two visitors to the waiting room find out why they are there… 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

To quote Happy Gilmore,

"I know what you're doing, and I don't like it."

Simply describe what I see.  Don't call it a set.  If it's a waiting room, just say it's a waiting room, and give us any details that we need.  

You want the reader to become engrossed in your script to the point where they forget they're reading a script.  When you describe, "The set", I suddenly take a step back and see all the lighting, the fake walls, and all the cameras and production staff.  That's bad.  That takes me out of the read.

Think in images.  You'll hear the adage, "show, don't tell", many times.

Your attempt at witty banter from Rowan is one notch below chuckle.  The dialogue isn't at the level it needs to be in order for it to work.  It's possible that you're writing more for a British audience and that's why the humor falls short for me, but as it is, I see the potential for humor with slight adjustments.

Jordan

For what it's worth, I guessed based on the title what the premise/first twist would be. I think this gag might have run out of steam. That stopped me from reading this one, I'm afraid.

Hey Gary and Paul.

I see you just joined as a new member not too long ago, Gary.  Hopefully you'll pop up on the boards and say hi.

This reads a little more like a skit or sketch rather than a two-act play, especially because Act Two starts right in the middle of the scene.  Right in the middle of the dialogue, actually.  I could see this playing out in a Kids in the Hall-type way.

It seems the story's geared more towards British audiences, as Americans'll fail to get the full affect of the Manchester United-Millwall-Scunthorpe joke, which seems to be the climax joke as it took almost a full page to pull off.

There's a little amusement here, but I had to put myself in the right frame of mind to really enjoy some of it.

Hopefully, you'll make an appearance and some of the UK-locals will try giving this a go and see what they think of it.

Welcome to Simply Scripts, by the way!

- Mark

Hi Mark,

Thanks for the look. This is really a sketch, written to specific guidlines for a Sitcom competition. Hence, the act 1 / act 2 thing.

I've been reading some of the scripts on here for a while now and thought I'd send a couple in (have a go) and see.

It has been really useful to me, and some of the comments I have read on mine and others scripts have changed the way I approach writing. Hopefully, this will only improve my writing as I really enjoy doing it as a hobby.

Again, thanks for the comments and the welcome!

Gary