Franco For Sale by Praneel Nand - Short, Drama - A mob boss has a sit down with an up & coming wheel man, but does his extended generosity hide a more sinister plot? Or is the wheel man playing on two sides of a tight wire? 4 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Praneel,

This was a decent piece. Your writing is okay, definitely some prose here, but not too much. However, you do write a few "un-filmables". E.G. You tell us Dante is a crime boss for the Chicago Syndicate. Had you not mentioned it, we'd figure he was some sort of crime boss anyway just by how the scene plays out, how he interacts with Franco. If you want us to know specifically that he's a Chicago crime boss, maybe have a establishing exterior shot with CHICAGO super imposed, or have it be a title card before we FADE IN.

I like the dialogue, it has that 1920's feel, though I'm not sure Dante would call cocaine yayo - the only time I've heard anybody call cocaine yayo is in Scarface, and if I've heard it after that, it was because of Scarface. I'm sure there's other slang you can use here to match the dialogue pattern you have here.

Dante's first line of dialogue and last line of dialogue feel a bit expository. Maybe the end, have him say to himself, "God damn rat" or "God damn snitch"... he puffs the cigar, shakes his head: "Best wheel man in town". He tosses the barely smoked cigar: "What a waste". I don't know, maybe something like that. I was never a fan of characters speaking to themselves out loud, especially when it reveals information.

Any way, decent work here, though you do have an error on page 1 when you introduce Franco Chela: should be "he" not "his".

Liked how he put out the cigar with the "what a waste" line.

Hi Spech2k,

thanks so much for the feed back, I totally agree, the first and last line are compleatly used to fill in the auidence, with such a short scene  I knida had no choice. if their is another way to do it, please feel free, i've been scratching my head over that  :)

I just love the word yayo, thats why I used it, I don't think it's a big deal (for me anyway).

I like the way you broke up the ending line with some action, it plays out better when reading it, i will definitly use it  ;D

Ya you definitly don't get he's a Chicago mob boss, thanks for that, a super would work fine in that situation.

Thanks again for your feedback, much apprecieated, hopefully next weeks short will be better :)

Praneel

Not bad, if a bit predictable and (not surprisingly given the length) underdeveloped.

“He is the head of the western crime syndicate in Chicago,”

- How are we supposed to know this? Only write what we’ll be able to see on screen.

“much like a gambler who
believes the house never wins.”

- Cool phrase.

“pungent aroma.”

- Nice oxymoron here.

DANTE
You know kid, I’ve always liked
you, maybe a bit of you reminds me
a bit about my self.

- “My  self” should be one word.

Unfortunately, I could see a twist coming and sure enough Franco was being set up for a fall, I suppose the title gave that away though. Still, as is usually the case with such a short piece, it fails to be a complete story, more of a set-up and pay off or in the comedic sense, a skit. This is no different, in that it feels to be only part of a bigger canvas, a mere scene.

To your credit though, the writing and dialogue is solid, maybe the prose could be tightened somewhat, a lot of excess asides and unfilmables such as the one I mentioned above that could be reduced. Also, its testament to the piece that I want to learn more about these characters and the events which led to this meeting and even what’s going to happen afterwards when Franco drops off his cargo.

Best of luck with it.

Col.

Hey Praneel.

Welcome to the site.

Not too big a fan of this as just a scene, but I might enjoy the story as a whole.  This just feels incomplete and I kind of would have liked to see the characters expanded so I actually felt something when I found out it was a setup for Franco.  (Although I had already figured that out anyway.)

But you did come off as a solid writer while reading.  It's just the story that didn't do anything for me.  It's pretty bland.  I'd probably read something more of yours though, if it seemed like it had a little more pop.

Hope this helps.

- Mark

Praneel,

Here are my notes:

"He is the head of the western crime syndicate in Chicago, a
triumph to be in the biggest seat at his age." -- unnecessary

"A man enters his office" -- No need for this. Just start with the character.

"his wears" -- he wears

"his soft features belie his
involvement with such risky individuals." -- unnecessary

"He walks with a confident swagger, much like a gambler who
believes the house never wins." -- unnecessary

"He surveys his stark surroundings, not much for taste or
pallet, but business before pleasure rules this world. " -- Not worded very well.

"Subtlety," -- What is he talking about?

You either have to pursue the dialogue about the Cuban lady or just remove it altogether. It feels forced. It doesn't flow. I just don't understand why it needs to be there. It doesn't establish the atmosphere, in case that's what you were going for.

"FRANCO
I’m sure this isn’t because I won
big yesterday, is it?
DANTE
You know kid, I’ve always liked
you, maybe a bit of you reminds me
a bit about my self."

This just doesn't work for me. Having Dante just ignore his question yet praise him, I don't know, something about it just feels very awkward. It sort of "jolts" the flow of dialogue. Then the next line seems very foreign as well. I feel like they're talking to themselves and not to each other. They're not really having a conversation.

"Lady luck has always been my
mistress." -- Again, I don't know why this is necessary. The characters feel like they've just dropped acid. It's one thing to have them say these things in conversation, its another to have them randomly drop peculiar phrases.

"I got some more for you, how would
you like to make a grand tonight?" -- What is he talking about here?

"Don’t let
me stop you from providing me an
outlet." -- Very forced.

"contentedly
puffing on the finest cigar to ever grace his lips." -- unnecessary.

"Park in the back, can’t leave the
wolves any scraps." -- What??

"get’s off" -- gets off

"reminding
himself that its only business." -- unnecessary and also contradicts the feeling I got from the man just a few lines prior.

Overall, it is a good attempt. Not top notch work, but a good try nevertheless.

As Mark said, it feels very bland. Story/character-wise its underdeveloped.

Best,

-J.S.

Hey, thanks guys for the feedback, much appreciated. I will definitly try and solve some of these issues, thanks for the compliments, helps with motivation :)

When Dante says "I got some more for you" he's talking about luck.

He gives him the cigar because Dante really did like Franco, so the story of the cigar pertains to the importance of the gift. His betrayal and subsequent "set up" was a bit personal for Dante but had to be done.

The "wolves" are about cops and others that could usurp the cyndicates efforts (including Franco).

Also with the surveying of his "stark surroundings", on camera Franco would look a bit puzzled. His idea of Dante is one of grandeur and decadence. Dante realizes this because of Franco's body language and then tells him that subtlety insured survival, not being flashy is the key and will insure their survival.

Hope this helped and again thanks for the feedback :)

Hello and welcome to the boards...

Loved the writing style here. This was easy to read...love the word yayo. As far as the story...well, I did like the irony, but feel you could have turned it up by really showing us that Franco was Dante's best wheel man...make us feel like they were close...or even like Franco was almost like a son to Dante until the short, quick harsh realization at the end where he's going to snuff him out. I think if you made the twist more hidden from the reader, it would have had better 'gut punch' value.

The characters ...they were 'ok' for me...I didn't overly care for either one of them. If there's a way to make them more likable or someway to make me root for them, I tend to buy into them with more enthusiasm.

Anyway, good writing. Enjoyed the read. This one would be VERY easy to film...

d