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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  /  The Message
Posted by: Don, May 4th, 2013, 9:35am
The Message by Lee Field (lfield) - Sci Fi, Fantasy - The discovery of an ancient satellite orbiting the moon, leads to the truth of man's origins. 112 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: Pale Yellow, May 4th, 2013, 8:14pm; Reply: 1
I read the first four pages....looks like an interesting story here. However, you have got to clean up the writing. It could cost you a read or the trash pile if you send this out. I plan on reading further...just late for me tonight...
Posted by: rc1107, May 8th, 2013, 8:25am; Reply: 2
I took a quick-see and it seems a little too sci-fi for my liking, but I just wanted to say...  This is a great logline.  It could garner a lot of attention.

Hopefully some of the sci-fi regulars'll check this out and see if there's any merit to the actual story.

- Mark
Posted by: vancety, May 8th, 2013, 3:13pm; Reply: 3
Is there something wrong with my computer or is this an 'eye test'.
Posted by: Forgive, May 8th, 2013, 3:45pm; Reply: 4

Quoted from vancety
Is there something wrong with my computer or is this an 'eye test'.


I have no idea what you mean here. But I looked at the first two pages none-the-less.

I'm with the log-line, and it's a good pull-in, and I think bound to get reads.

You got FADE IN in the centre for some reason. Writing-wise, Dena's right: it's a little all over the place. Clean it up and I'm sure people will read further in.
Posted by: vancety, May 10th, 2013, 2:03pm; Reply: 5
I get 'giant' letters when I open your script. Other scripts open normally. If the rest of the people who open your script get normal format I just don't get it. Bummer!
Posted by: rc1107, May 10th, 2013, 2:17pm; Reply: 6
It opens regular when I open it.  That's weird.  Did you try de-magnifying it?
Posted by: DustinBowcot (Guest), May 15th, 2013, 6:22am; Reply: 7
Code

Through the crowd walks ADAM FURMAN a man of average height
in his mid to late thirties. Brilliant by any standards a
cyber intelligence, neurologist and professor of Adaptive
research at the University. A busy man he splits his time at
the university with government contract work on secret
research and defense projects.
His office is under government control he has recently been
promoted to cyber defense protection. Maintaining secutiry
of all government systems, while also developing new
technologies.
We get the feel this is sometime in the not to distant
future, though lived in the city seems oddly clean. 



The above description is way too much tell.

Another thing you're doing is missing out words... is this because English is your second language?

Code

He steps lightly up the steps and walks through an automated
doorway, there is no glass or physical door it just reacts
when penetrated and beams it recognizes and greets him.
DOORWAY
(In feminine voice)
Good morning Dr. Furman
ADAM
Good morning Sally in a rush again.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 5.
The door has no name he just likes to give it some
personality. We see him moving through the hallway many
people pass in front and behind. He quickly races to an open
elevator, again no door, another automated voice recognizes
him.
DOORWAY
Good morning Dr. Furman.
Adam doesn’t respond he just moves to back as elevator
whisks him and others up it seems fast and moves very high.
It stops at a floor in steps NOAH FORESTER.



The above, you move through different settings that need their own slugs.


Lots of mistakes by page 5 so far in your use of the English language. Although they can be gotten past it adds to the other stuff that is bad like the overwriting. I don't mind a little bit in descriptions and establishing scenes, as they can help set the tone. However this is a habit of yours throughout.


Yeah it's taking a long time for anything to happen. I've read 11 pages and they are very long pages. Trim it right down and I'll give it another go as I would like to see this one through.
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