Last Rites by Gary Howell (hawkeye) - Short, Action, Drama - During the Battle of the Bulge, a U.S. Army priest must choose between doing his job and saving his own life. 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

Wow!  That was quick!  Thanks, as always, to Don for putting this up and for all he and the moderators do for this site!

This was a piece I wrote this past week partly out of frustration over my inability to finish the 7 week challenge feature piece (which I'm still working on, btw).  I am perpetually fascinated by the history of World War II and the Korean War, and I'm intending to ultimately prepare a feature based on the Korean War's Battle of the Chosin Reservoir, a battle my father fought in, and he never spoke about until very late in life.  This short was originally set during that battle, but for reasons that become clear at the end, I had to change the setting to World War II.  Hope you enjoy this for what it is--a nod to the guys who served on the front lines but never fired a weapon.

UPDATE:  One thing I noted in the script at the end is that I make mention of a German soldier speaking in German, with American subtitles.  What I meant to do was to note to the readers that all German characters speak only German.  I hope that clears up any confusion at the end.

Gary

Hey Gary.

I've been waiting to check out another one of your stories.

Hmm.  Interesting story you have here.  I liked it.

I will say I wasn't so sure about the beginning, though.  It was a little... offbeat, I'd say.  There were a couple times during their dialogues that I thought this was going to go into comedy territory, and looking back on it, I don't know why.

I think it was because of the characters' dialogue.  I kept waiting for one of them to bust out some Jewish jokes on Steinberg or something.  Maybe I've just come across too many of the religious discussions here on the board is why I kept waiting for the jokes to come flying.

But other than that, I was interested in this piece, Gary.  You put your characters in some awkward predicaments and it was nice to see their reactions and the choices they made.

I guess, all in all, this story reminds me of one of my favorite sayings:  "There's just enough religion in the world to make men hate each other; but not enough to make them love."

Although this is probably way too pricey to ever get produced, unless you work it up into a feature, (could be interesting following a priest through wartime, I don't know if it's ever been done before), it's still a story worth telling and worth reading.

Good job on this one, Gary.

- Mark

Mark, thank you very much.  I appreciate that. Also glad you are doing better after your injury!  I think I was going for this tone that was on the border of serio-comic, as I've found that many soldiers during wartime cope with the horror they're facing with a mixture of comedy and hostility.   I also deliberately stayed away from making jokes at Steinberg's expense as I didn't think it would fit in with the tone being set by the priest.

I do agree this would never be filmed because of the cost, and I do want to incorporate something along the lines of this story into a feature that highlights the unsung heroes like priests and medics and journalists who were on the front line.

Thanks again!

Gary

Hey Gary,

Intriguing piece you have here. The writing was good, the description vivid. I felt like I was on the battlefield with your characters.

The story was different. I liked how Cahill gave Steinberg his Last Rites as he died despite his explanation earlier about how couldn't do it based on his religion.

And though it was sad Cahill died, the German priest performing last rites despite being from opposing sides was a great touch. Great way to end the story. In the end, despite the differences we have in philosophies, evil or not, we are simply men.

Now, this was a bit description heavy, though I feel it had to be to truly provide us with the chaos that ensued. But some of the wording can be trimmed in the description.

E.G. - LIEUTENANT DENNIS CAHILL, 26, moves about the bunkers. Tall and wiry, he not only is a lieutenant, but also a PRIEST. He wears the collar of the priesthood with his uniform.

We SEE that he is a priest simply by looking at the collar. And the two soldiers refer to him as Lieutenant - no need to tell us in his description. You can just write LIEUTENANT DENNIS CAHILL, 26, moves about the bunkers. Tall and wiry, he wears a clerical collar (or priest collar) with his uniform.

Also, the dialogue felt a bit expository on page 2-3. A lot of explanation. It is important to the story, but I'm sure there's a way to be more subtle with it without taking away from what the characters are saying.

Overall, nice job. The story breathes emotion and you have a good sense of setting.

Michael, thanks for the read--I greatly appreciate the comments.  One of my bad habits is providing too much exposition at times in the action and at other times in the dialogue.  I really had a concern about the back and forth between Cahill and Steinberg being too explanatory but I also didn't want it to go on for too long so I tried to put as much explanation in Cahill's response without it seeming over the top.  I also tried to get away from it as quickly as possible to move the story forward.  

Thanks again--I owe you and Mark a couple of reads.  I hadn't been focused on reviews too much lately but I'm getting back around to it shortly!

Gary

Hey Gary,

I liked this one. The second half is very strong and definitely has characters facing tough, dramatic choices.

I think the exposition in the first half is very clunky. The worst offender is Cahill's line explaining the Catholic position on last rites, but I think quite a bit of it reads a little bit dull. I also think that the rising tension in the first half would work a lot better with a more defined inciting incident, and might make the expository stuff more interesting.

For example, if the short began with the classic Arrival of the Panicked Messenger -- though I think there's probably something better than this -- there'd be a lot more urgency to the first half, especially in conflicts like whether or not Cahill can perform rites for Steinberg. As it is, the short is halfway there...we know that the enemy is coming, and we know that it might be bad, but why do halfway when you've only got a few pages? I'd put it out there on page one: almost certain death is coming. So when Steinberg is questioning Cahill on whether he can perform rites, there's as much possible dramatic weight behind what is essentially exposition.

I also think you've built in, but not entirely capitalized on, another interesting dynamic: the Catholic soldier (forget his name) and his lack of knowledge about his own faith. There's something quite interesting, I think, in the line where he says something like, "Hey, I'm Catholic, does that mean I shouldn't kill?" People who feel a faith very strongly, but don't necessarily agree with all the rules that that faith lays out as an organization, are very interesting, and I think you could do more with this aspect of his character.

I gotta run now, but anyway, I enjoyed this, thanks!

Ooh and watch out for the word "sub-freezing" somewhere near the start...I'm sure it's cold, but it's not THAT cold. :)

Quoted from Heretic Hey Gary, I think the exposition in the first half is very clunky. The worst offender is Cahill's line explaining the Catholic position on last rites, but I think quite a bit of it reads a little bit dull. I also think that the rising tension in the first half would work a lot better with a more defined inciting incident, and might make the expository stuff more interesting. For example, if the short began with the classic Arrival of the Panicked Messenger -- though I think there's probably something better than this -- there'd be a lot more urgency to the first half, especially in conflicts like whether or not Cahill can perform rites for Steinberg. As it is, the short is halfway there...we know that the enemy is coming, and we know that it might be bad, but why do halfway when you've only got a few pages? I'd put it out there on page one: almost certain death is coming. So when Steinberg is questioning Cahill on whether he can perform rites, there's as much possible dramatic weight behind what is essentially exposition.

Thanks for taking a look at this and your valuable comments. I really like the idea of having the urgency moved up to the beginning to prompt the discussion and make it feel more natural in the setting.

And I totally agree that the exposition got a little out of hand and I need to tighten that up.

On an unrelated note, every time I look at your profile pic, I can't help but think that Hillary Duff has taken time out of her busy day to review my work and craft a wonderfully thought out review.  So thanks Hillary!

Gary

Gary,

while some elements of this didn’t quite work for me I do think there’s a good deal of scope in the idea of a military chaplain as a main character.  It’s an interesting angle -- a strangely humane aspect of warfare that seems at odds with the reality.

While his dialogue on p.2-3 seems well researched (least to a heathen like me) Cahill’s explanation of his faith comes across as a tad heavy-handed; reading more like it’s written for the audiences benefit. To me this whole exchange seemed a little casual given the situation -- think you could really ramp up the tension here as they wait for the attack.  Also given the logline I’d liked to have gotten a better sense of Cahill and why he decides to stay -- despite the looming danger and orders to the contrary.

Writing wise I’d think about breaking up some of the larger blocks of action and trimming some of the more superfluous details to smooth out the read -- make it a little easier on the eye.

Not sure you need to introduce the German characters by name (and even rank) as their roles are fleeting.

Nice to read something with a bit of action in it. Best of luck.

Steve.

Quoted from stevemiles Gary, While his dialogue on p.2-3 seems well researched (least to a heathen like me) Cahill’s explanation of his faith comes across as a tad heavy-handed; reading more like it’s written for the audiences benefit. To me this whole exchange seemed a little casual given the situation -- think you could really ramp up the tension here as they wait for the attack.  Also given the logline I’d liked to have gotten a better sense of Cahill and why he decides to stay -- despite the looming danger and orders to the contrary. Writing wise I’d think about breaking up some of the larger blocks of action and trimming some of the more superfluous details to smooth out the read -- make it a little easier on the eye. Not sure you need to introduce the German characters by name (and even rank) as their roles are fleeting.

Steve, thanks very much for the read.  I agree that the tension probably could use some ramping up, and when I incorporate this into a feature that I plan in the future, I will definitely take that into consideration.  Looking back on it, I can see where it does come off as a bit casual given the circumstances.

Regarding naming the German characters, I typically always like to name any of my characters that have speaking roles, just because it helps me relate to them and get a bit of an understanding for their actions.  I understand your thinking, though.

Appreciate your comments!

Gary

It needs trimming down quite a lot and needs another draft to come up to standard. Upon saying that, I actually enjoyed the story. I felt for the priest when he died so you did a good job there.

Gary,

Nice job on this one. I've read all three of your short stories and enjoyed them all. But this one clearly ranks as my favorite.

I agree with some of the others that the action lines could be broken up. There's a couple of times that you go to five lines when you should be aiming for four lines or less. It reads faster that way. Also when you describe your characters you tend to overwrite a bit. One example on --

Page.2 LIEUTENTANT LEWIS PERRY, 25, a platoon leader, quickly approaches the foxhole occupied by Steinberg and Bauer. He is clean cut and built like a linebacker.

Could be --

LIEUTENTANT LEWIS PERRY, 25, platoon leader, clean cut and built like a linebacker, quickly approaches Steinberg and Bauer's foxhole.

Again, nice job. Man was that touching at the end. I loved the German priest praying with Cahill.

Take care and best of luck with future projects. By the way, I hope you enjoyed Vegas!

- Dirk

So, I enjoyed this, which is strange since this type of read is not my usual thing.

Like previously said, everything looks rather pushed together, you need to break up your action lines a lot more.  

The only other thing I could say is that the writing is simple and straight-forward and you managed to develop the characters well.

-- Curt

Quoted from DustinBowcot It needs trimming down quite a lot and needs another draft to come up to standard. Upon saying that, I actually enjoyed the story. I felt for the priest when he died so you did a good job there.

Dustin, thanks for the read.  I agree that there does need to be some trimming done, but I'm glad you enjoyed the story!

Gary

Quoted from DV44 Gary, Nice job on this one. I've read all three of your short stories and enjoyed them all. But this one clearly ranks as my favorite. I agree with some of the others that the action lines could be broken up. There's a couple of times that you go to five lines when you should be aiming for four lines or less. It reads faster that way. Also when you describe your characters you tend to overwrite a bit. One example on -- Page.2 LIEUTENTANT LEWIS PERRY, 25, a platoon leader, quickly approaches the foxhole occupied by Steinberg and Bauer. He is clean cut and built like a linebacker. Could be -- LIEUTENTANT LEWIS PERRY, 25, platoon leader, clean cut and built like a linebacker, quickly approaches Steinberg and Bauer's foxhole. Again, nice job. Man was that touching at the end. I loved the German priest praying with Cahill. Take care and best of luck with future projects. By the way, I hope you enjoyed Vegas! - Dirk

Thanks Dirk!  Yeah, Vegas cleaned my clock, but I had a great time!  I hear you on the description and action comments--those are areas as a writer I still need to work on a lot--it has gotten better since I first started writing, though, thanks to sites like this and all the valuable feedback I get.

I'll hit you up soon--we still need to collaborate on a story!

Thanks again for the read!
Gary

Quoted from AmbitionIsKey So, I enjoyed this, which is strange since this type of read is not my usual thing. Like previously said, everything looks rather pushed together, you need to break up your action lines a lot more.   The only other thing I could say is that the writing is simple and straight-forward and you managed to develop the characters well. -- Curt

Thanks Curt!  I appreciate the read and your comments--you're spot on about a lot of the action being crammed together and that's something I working on.  Glad you enjoyed it!

Gary

Hey Gary - a nice piece here. Overall I think it worked. Like most have said, there's some trimming needed here, but the line you're working with in the story does well.

Main miss for me was the characterisation of your lead - he was almost a little blase. If you trimmed it some you'd be able to take some time to develop him some more. I think he needs to show a little fear, question what he's doing - like when the three guys get mowed down, he should be pulled between getting the hell out of there and going back to help them - all that kind of stuff is the conflict that you need to play on - like giving the audience a minute to think on it too, so that they're with the guy during those agonising seconds he has to choose.

Worth a re-write on this one - it's got a lot going for it.

Thanks Simon--that's a great suggestion about being more concerned about the situation.  I guess I was wanting to show that the non-combat guys like priests and medics were there on the front lines as well, but I should have shown they would have the same fears that any soldier would have.  It would definitely humanize him and allow you to relate to him.  Great suggestion and will certainly make it in a re-write.  Glad you enjoyed.

Gary

Gary,

Here are my notes as I was reading this:

"A STEADY SNOW falls on a platoon of American soldiers. They
are scattered about in numerous shallow foxholes along the
edge of woods that face a large clearing. "

This seems poorly phrased. Replace the period after soldiers with a comma, remove 'they are', and notice how that's a much better visual.

"The soldiers appear weather-beaten, dirty and exhausted."

This is description so it should go with the previous action line.

You need to cut down the overly explanatory Cahill on bottom of page 2 and into page 3.

"BAUER
Hey, I'm Catholic, Padre. You tellin'
me the Church says I can't kill some
fuckin' Nazi if he's shootin' at me?"

You're bending the character to your wishes. It feels forced.

"Gotta have you around to administer
Last Rites to all the poor saps about
to get fucked over."

Why are they saps?? Poor word choice maybe?

"CAHILL
I'm don't know if you're serious or
just jerking my chain, Steinberg,
but the Canons of the Catholic Church
won't allow that--you being Jewish.
Only those baptized into the Catholic
faith can receive the Sacrament.
Christians of other faiths can receive
the Rites, just not the Sacrament."

Cahill is really starting to sound like Stephen Root's character from Dodgeball who kept reading from that little rule book.
I'm not sure if what you're going for is some kind of religious movie or something, but the explanatory nature of Cahill is uncalled for. I can't imagine how he could be even in the mood to explain himself in that much detail. It's somewhat comical and not in the good way, sorry to say so. Again, it feels like you're really bending the character to what you want him to say rather than have him say what he wants to say.

"Damn fool. Can't save anyone's soul
now."

Wait, wasn't he just praying on the rosary? I'm confused.

The action's pretty cool actually.

"It's going to be okay."

Oh my goodness...really?

I liked the rest of it all the way till the end. Although in the back of my mind I still had that feeling of, what's the point of all this exactly. So I still don't exactly fully understand what you were trying to get across. My vague gut feeling tells me its really about the priest and that this is heavily thematic than anything.

As others have pointed out, the ending is solid and by far the best thing about the script but I just think you'll need to figure out a different way to get to it.

Best,

-J.S.

Quoted from J.S. You need to cut down the overly explanatory Cahill on bottom of page 2 and into page 3.

James, sorry I haven't responded to this before now.  Been on the go at work and moving daughters home from college for the summer, so I'm just getting back to things.

Yeah, after re-reading it, Cahill is bit wordy--almost professorial.  I need to get him speaking more on laymen's terms.  

Quoted from J.S. I'm not sure if what you're going for is some kind of religious movie or something, but the explanatory nature of Cahill is uncalled for. I can't imagine how he could be even in the mood to explain himself in that much detail. It's somewhat comical and not in the good way, sorry to say so. Again, it feels like you're really bending the character to what you want him to say rather than have him say what he wants to say.

I think in hindsight I probably had him and Steinberg going on too long about the Catholic polity but I was trying to make a connection that the act itself is matter of faith and that faith is not limited to any one religion.  But I agree that his dialogue probably didn't work in the intended manner.

Quoted from J.S. The action's pretty cool actually. "It's going to be okay." Oh my goodness...really? I liked the rest of it all the way till the end. Although in the back of my mind I still had that feeling of, what's the point of all this exactly. So I still don't exactly fully understand what you were trying to get across. My vague gut feeling tells me its really about the priest and that this is heavily thematic than anything. As others have pointed out, the ending is solid and by far the best thing about the script but I just think you'll need to figure out a different way to get to it. Best, -J.S.

I think you're spot on there.  I had a definite ending in mind when I started out, and perhaps how I got there maybe got a bit muddled, so I will certainly be looking at changing things up dramatically in a rewrite.  I appreciate the read and the valuable comments!

Gary

Gary,

Very nicely done. It was a very engaging read. I like the camaraderie between the three main characters.

I do think that your description of some of the action could be trimmed down, but nonetheless, they did prove fruitful in painting the atmosphere and mood of the scene.

Great stuff :)

-Silva Sly-

Hey Gary,

I liked this although I found the second half a lot more entertaining to be honest. It’s a nice take on wartime, showing a Priest’s account and I really enjoyed (even though everyone died) the ending. Two people on different sides but share the same faith.

The first half is a little slow, you set-up some tension by revealing the oncoming enemy but then threw out a load of exposition that slowed the story down. In saying that, some of the dialogue here with the guys joking I liked, fear can do that to people.

It does need to be tightened, a lot of superfluous details in the action but I have to admit that I loved the vivid descriptions which made it a visual feast. These bits caught my eye but nothing major:

Page 4 “I'm don't” I don’t.

Page 8  “Koch looks at Cahill only briefly, then quickly moves on, visibly shaken. (Koch) follows behind.” Think this should be Stueben.

A good read, I enjoyed it. :)

Cheers.

Steve

Gary,

I would have read this long time ago had I noticed it before. Sorry.

Anyway, the story itself is good and I liked how there are several religious differences here. Sort of like, we may be completely different as people and come from different parts of the planet, but we still have one thing in common, religion or faith. Even if different, most people still have faith. And, some people, like priests for example are capable of looking past any other differences we have. That was nice to see. So, in short, the story itself was good.

I did have some issues with your writing though. Not that it was bad or anything, just a tad over descriptive and could be more visual. What do I mean by that? Try to think of the script in pictures. How would it look on screen? It said somewhere that they tried to stay warm against the sub-zero temperatures. It's okay, but why not "show" us how cold it is instead. Show them shivering. Their breaths showing. Teeth clattering and so on.  You also wrote "For twenty minutes a back and forth barrage of fighting continues". C'mon now. Are saying we should sit there and watch this fight go on for 20 minutes? ;)  Almost forgot. You do have a LOT of orphans too. Those are easy fixes.

So, all in all, I liked it and think you did a good job. It just needs trimming and some formatting. changes.

Pia, I had honestly not checked in lately on here, so I apologize for not responding sooner.  Hadn't realized someone had read this recently.  First of all, I appreciate the read.  I highly value your opinion given your track record.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Anyway, the story itself is good and I liked how there are several religious differences here. Sort of like, we may be completely different as people and come from different parts of the planet, but we still have one thing in common, religion or faith. Even if different, most people still have faith. And, some people, like priests for example are capable of looking past any other differences we have. That was nice to see. So, in short, the story itself was good.

Thanks--I was trying to play off the old quote of "there are no atheists in foxholes" and provide a subtle dig as well at the idea of people killing each other because of their religion isn't something that's just happening today-it's as old as time.  But I also tried to show at the end that while every religion has its fanatics, there are also the decent people who try to do good, even in the midst of insanity.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I did have some issues with your writing though. Not that it was bad or anything, just a tad over descriptive and could be more visual. What do I mean by that? Try to think of the script in pictures. How would it look on screen? It said somewhere that they tried to stay warm against the sub-zero temperatures. It's okay, but why not "show" us how cold it is instead. Show them shivering. Their breaths showing. Teeth clattering and so on.  You also wrote "For twenty minutes a back and forth barrage of fighting continues". C'mon now. Are saying we should sit there and watch this fight go on for 20 minutes? ;)  Almost forgot. You do have a LOT of orphans too. Those are easy fixes. So, all in all, I liked it and think you did a good job. It just needs trimming and some formatting. changes.

Guilty as charged.  One of the things I'm still learning in my screenwriting is how to cut down on the exposition and be more simplistic in "showing" things.  Before I tried my hand at this, I was writing fiction in the long form, where you have to much more descriptive to to provide the reader an idea of what is happening.  Old habits are hard to break.   I think each succeeding piece I've done I've gotten a little better about that, but it's always good to see where I'm still missing the mark so I can improve with the next project.

I need to go back and check on those orphans.  I use Movie Magic Screenwriter, and you would think it would automatically catch those, but I may not have it set up properly.

Thanks again for the read Pia!

Gary

Hey Gary, I must have missed this when it was posted but thought I'd give it a read as I'm a fan of WW2 stuff.

I'll start by being picky...you say the soldiers are in foxholes but then Cahill move about the bunkers.  This is a bit confusing because I picture a foxhole as a hole in the ground but a bunker to be more sturdy with a makeshift roof.  Told you I was being picky.

Can't say I like it when you write 'for twenty minutes...'.

Okay so I enjoyed this although it was a little long for the story it told.  That said, I wasn't bored and it did read quite quickly.  As for the 'story', well it was good.  Shows that it doesn't matter which uniform a priest was wearing, they were representing God.

Alffy, thanks for the read!  Yah, I should have known better than to try and interchange "foxholes" and "bunkers" because they're definitely not the same thing. I guess I was just looking for a different way to say "foxhole" without using it over and over--I thought about "trenches", but that's a totally different thing as well. I need to change that, for sure.

You and Pia both brought up the 20 minute description and I just need to drop that wording out entirely. Even though we all know that a typical battle would last at least that long, sometimes hours at a time, obviously no one wants to sit and watch the same scene go on for that long (exception: the opening Omaha Beach scene in Saving Private Ryan).  

Glad you liked the story--I know this one can't be filmed, but I had fun writing it.

Gary

Gary

Not a bad effort, some interesting stuff in here, although it would be a rather expensive 9 pager to shoot, given the content. I found some of the dialogue at times a little too on-the-nose with characters often saying things I had a hard time believing they would actually say in the heat of their very stressful situation.

BAUER
Good place as any to die.

- Not the best attitude to have, is it? I wouldn’t like to be beside this guy when facing the enemy head on.

CAHILL
I'm don't know if you're serious or
just jerking my chain, Steinberg

- Should be “I” instead of “I’m”. Also, would a Priest really use the phrase “jerking my chain”?

CAHILL
(smiles)
I would, but you have to be in danger
of imminent death before I can
administer them.

- Is he for real? Again, I don’t think he would say something like this.

BAUER
Doesn't get any more imminent than
now, I would think.

- Fuck?n A!

“For twenty minutes a back and forth barrage of fighting
continues, and soldiers on both sides continue to drop in
the snow.”

- Working off the presumption that you won’t actually show a war battle for 20 minutes, how are we supposed to know that it goes on for this length of time?

“Cahill continues to administer Last Rites to fallen soldiers.”

- Did this actually happen? Would Priests give the last rites right in the middle of battle like this?

I like the turn of events when Cahill ends up giving Steinberg his last rites, despite being Jewish. That was a nice pay-off to the earlier exchange and refusal of Cahill to give them to him on the basis of religion. A nice touch of irony, well handled.

Also, the final scene of the German Priest giving the stricken Cahill his last rites was smartly done. I thought it was just gonna be another piece about the futility of war and those who get caught up in it only to die an unceremonious death but the closing sequence elevated it to something with a  little more going for it than that, resulting in a more satisfying and fully rounded piece.

As to the veracity of the enemy being so humane as to give last rites to the opposition’s dying personnel is another thing but as an effective symbolic action, it works well.

I’d see about making your dialogue a little looser and natural, not so constructed. Also, I’d cut down on the chunky prose, pair it back, only include the detail we need, and you have a decent script here.

Best of luck with it.

Col.

Well, I thought this short had gone on to page two and beyond purgatory, so Col., first of all, thanks for the read and second, for the valuable comments.

I would agree that the dialogue does need some work--some of the things are probably not what soldiers would say in the heat of battle, or at least in fear of their own demise.  I probably was trying to "flair it up" for dramatic effect, when it probably would have been more dramatic to just them speak naturally.

Priests actually did give out the sacrament during battle.  During D-Day, there were several on the beach at Omaha and elsewhere providing Last Rites as the battle raged on.  Many throughout WWII (and other wars) were killed or wounded as they administered the sacrament.  It was an area that I thought hadn't really been addressed on film before (or at least at any length), and I wanted to shine a light on it.

You're right--I didn't want to do something on the futility of war, but something more towards the way some people rise above that futility in dedication to a higher calling.  Or something like that.

Thanks again for the read~

Gary