Common Ground by Steven Miles - Short, Action, Adventure - Stranded in no-mans-land, two soldiers are forced to confront their humanity. 6 pages. - pdf, format 8)

You checked out a short of mine, so I thought I'd return the favor. :)

This will be short.  Mainly because, and this is just personal taste, my least favorite genre is historical (anything set pre-60's or like, real early).  Following that, my least favorite genre is stuff to do with soldiers, army, wars... stuff like that.  

And your short was set in the early 40's.  And included two men of war.  Not my cup of tea at all, lol.  (Hope I am not coming off as rude, this is not my intentions.  At all).  Regardless, brilliantly written.  Although I was lost at times and didn't understand some of the lingo, I could follow what was happening.

It was cool, and the title fitted come the end of the short.  Visually, it worked.  What writing program do you use?  The reason I ask is because it looked like Final Draft, but it didn't... if you get what I mean... maybe I'm going crazy.

Overall, I didn't get anything from the story, but your writing is almost flaw-free.  Be proud of this. :)

-- Curt

Nice story. Well written. The only mistake I can remember is where you wrote the grass riffles, I think you mean ruffles.

You have a good story telling voice... doing everything right as far as I can tell. I look forward to seeing what else you can do.

Hey Steven, nice job. The writing is fantastic. Dialogue and description. I felt like I was there, ducking bullets.

The story was pretty good. Now, to my understanding, the German, Lothar, accidentally sits on a mine as he reaches for a cigarette? If so, I liked your choice of not showing him blow up - just his reaction before hand, realizing that he has just activated a mine. He was so close to that cigarette. And I like what that cigarette symbolizes.

Anyway, great stuff. Looking forward to reading more of your work.

-- Michael

How's it going, Steven?

I owe you big time for helping me out so I thought I'd take a look at this short.  As I predicted, it's very well written so kudos.  I was especially impressed with how well your action sequences flowed in this one.  Just the right amount of detail so that it didn't drag along but enough for a complete image.

I don't have any issues with it so I'm sorry if I couldn't provide much criticism.  Bombs and mines have always fascinated me being that everything could end in an instance and the fear in Lothar's actions read very well.

I'm actually looking over this and wondering how this would have read had you made Lothar's dialogue German.  I mean it's great the way it is but I'm thinking that maybe if you made it in German, it could have given the ending a bit more of a punch.  I'm sure that anyone could look up the dialogue would you have written it that way or you could have shouts or panicked words in the action lines but I think that would have been an interesting route to go.  It definitely would have added a bit more to the confusion-A German just lying there, not moving an inch until we see the rim of the mine beneath him following the struggle.

In any case, very well done, Steven.  I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Johnny

Curt,

Sorry this wasn’t your thing, but thanks for sticking with it.  Got to thinking that most of my shorts before now had been pretty static, so I wanted to have a crack at writing action -- that you could get through this is enough for me. Thank-you.


Dustin,

I appreciate your time.  Saw your TV drama on the boards -- I’ll take a look over the next few days. Thanks again.


Michael,

so the idea was that Lothar’s been sitting on the mine the whole time (although I’m not sure how to show that without giving the game away).  He’s lying there smoking his ‘last cigarette’ when Chalky blunders in.  I’m glad you like not blowing him up -- it was a close call, but I felt it was better simply leaving him there, alone and doomed.

Thanks for the read, let me know if I can return the favour.


Hey Johnny how’s things?

Funny, the first draft actually had Lothar’s dialogue in German.  I liked that version as it helped to isolate the characters from one another and put the reader (non-German speakers that is) in Chalky’s boots.  I decided not to post as it’s kind of putting the horse before the cart in terms of clarity, (that and online translators are a little haphazard...) but the basic idea remains the same that on-screen, Lothar would be speaking in German without subs.

Glad you enjoyed it -- hope the ‘Ark...’ is coming along for you.

Steve.

Hi Steve

I do like your writing, crisp, fluent. Little fat to cut.

As to the story, it was decent in the sense that I was backing the German, the wise older solider wanting to give up, versus the pumped up buck ready for a scrap - typical para.

It was then followed by a nice twist with the mine field - all round a well told tale. However, and I can't be wholly sure, but I wasn't  emotionally attached, as much as i would expect. Bit difficult to say why, what etc . One reason could be the young soldiers reaction to a surrendering German seemed a tad off. Did I read that right.

On the plus side, at first I thought this too expensive to film, war and time issues, but actually this is a easy contained moment in a field.

Sound work.

best of luck

Thanks Bill, your feedback is always appreciated.  I guess Chalky’s character is no angel in this. His reaction at the end is supposed to be one of contempt (assuming that’s what you meant by ‘off’); totally oblivious to the fact Lothar’s sitting on a mine and has essentially spared/saved his life.  He misreads the whole situation, assuming Lothar’s simply a coward.  It’s a double slap in the face for Lothar.

That’s the intention anyway.  Hopefully that’s what comes across.

Thanks again.

Steve.

Hey Steve.  I haven't read many scripts in here lately, saw yours, and jumped in.

I too enjoy your writing, but I never like seeing colons and semicolons in a script.  For me, they just don't work.

I read the feedback and see that originally you had Lothar speaking in German, but decided to change it.  Personally, I think that was a mistake - especially because your intent is for your viewers not to know what's being said.  I think you need a way to sort of get across what he's saying, but not completely, as you don't want your audience to know exactly what's going on and being said, but you can't have them completely clueless either.

I just didn't feel much for either character or for the overall story/plot, as I was left without much feeling.  I think each character needs something.  Something that we can buy into.  I also think there has to be more of a finale, so to speak, or at least more of a resolution.

I like your general premise, but as is, it just doesn't go anywhere.  It doesn't invoke any feelings, and that's what I think you're missing here.

It's a solid effort, though, and you're a much better writer than most.

Hope this helps.  Take care.

Jeff,

first off, thanks for the read.

Seems like a recurring issue with this is a lack of emotional reach to the reader.  It’s a good point and perhaps something I overlooked when putting this together.  I’ll try to address that in a re-write.

I came close to posting a thread to see what people thought on the language issue before submitting (kind of wish I had now).  Instead I searched around and it seemed the general rule was to write in the language of the intended audience/reader. Unfortunately that approach here, is at odds with the core idea.  I’m honestly torn on that issue -- but I’m leaning towards a re-write with his dialogue in German -- guess I’ll just put it out there and see how it works.

Again I appreciate your time and notes.

Steve.

Hey Steve,

Great job! The writing was fantastic. Nice and smooth. I felt that I was there with Chalky every step of the way. I loved the touch with Lothar sitting on a mine the entire time and I agree Michael it worked much better having him just wait it out as opposed to having him blow up.

I feel that this could easily expand into a feature.

Nice work and best of luck with future projects.

- Dirk

Steven, very good job on this. Didn't feel like it was necessary to put all the language of Lothar in German.  I'm not sure how much it would have added and would have made the reader work harder to understand what Lothar was saying by having us go find a translation.

I felt more of a connection with Lothar than Chalky for some reason. Maybe it was just the way Lothar was reacting to his situation.

I was confused by one thing. You have Lothar telling Chalky "west" (even though Chalky couldn't understand it) and then Chalky runs off towards the mine field.  It's not clear whether Chalky ran in the direction that Lothar was pointing or not.  Might try to make that a little clearer, as it would make the ending even more compelling.

Good job!
Gary

Hey Steve. I like what I've read of yours, so I thought I'd check this out.

I liked the idea overall, but I did have some technical and story issues.

First off - a tricky one, but I felt that another slug was needed when we first see Chalky. I'm pretty sure you thought this one over, and I can see the problem, but it is in fact a different location.

I had a problem recently when writing about a grave-yard, and went for south/east locations, and reflected that in the slug, but there's also: Forest - tall trees, or Forest - thicket etc.

I felt some of the 'He bears the signs ...' was superfluous, and maybe just go for the signs - also the 'equipment gone ...' is a tricky one to film so maybe just cut it.

The 'drops to a crouch ...' wouldn't film as such as you don't take account of his momentum unless he slows.

Might just be me, but I was initially thrown by the '...grabs the barrel and pulls it ...' I thought of Lothars throat, and had to re-read a couple of times - maybe just specify Chalky.

Yeah - I have to agreed with the guys who've said they'd like the dialogue in German - I really had that feeling when I was reading it.

What I think saves it is that Lothar is very expressive - we kind of get what he's saying, or we try and get it, so we're with him him there - or we're with Chalky ...

Which brings me to my last point - I think one of the problems here is that Chalky really doesn't do very much, and that's fine, but it doesn't give the viewer any emotional involvement.

I felt that maybe Lothar was you main protagonist, and I wondered what kind of twist that would give to it - in reality, he's the one going through the emotional roller-coaster more than Chalky.

I wondered how it would look if you opened on Lothar - with his cigarette, and then went to Chalky, so that you've foreshadowed both characters and the key prop early on.

You've already, in many ways given Lothar a greater emotional range that Chalky - he's forced to make the effort to explain visually what he means - and you've put in the dropping of the shoulders etc - so Lothar is both emotional and visual - and I think he can be made into the more engaging character - and then maybe end on him showing the mine - seeing the sign for the mines lacked some impact.

Okay - that's it for me - I did like it - but I agree with a couple of the other guys that maybe it needs another dimension to it.

Simon

Dirk, Gary,

thank-you both for taking a look -- let me know if I can return the read sometime.

Simon,

solid notes, thanks for that. I’ll tidy up some of the technical aspects you pointed out.  I can see what you’re saying with Lothar and how it becomes ‘his’ story over Chalky’s.  I’ll admit I do like the suggestion of opening on Lothar, I’ll see how that ties in with some ideas I have for the re-write.

Thanks again. Let me know if I can return the read sometime.

Steve.  

Steve-

I agree with most of the positive comments re the efficient writing, and the favoritism toward the Lothar character.  

One thing you may want to consider changing is the name of the "Chalky" White character. That's the name of a prominent character in HBO's Boardwalk Empire: http://boardwalkempire.wikia.com/wiki/Chalky_White

Good luck-

Rich

I didn't mention it, but I hated the name "Chalky".  Sounds like either a ghost or a vampire to me.

Maybe the addition of a 3rd character could help...like a squirrel or chipmunk.

Didn't Jim Davidson have a character called 'Chalky' - he used to imitate a black guy ... ? can't remember his catch-phrase now. That was in pre-politically correct times. Still funny, none-the-less.

I thought this was a really solid piece. I kinda got lost in some of the action because there was so much of it, but I understood what was going on.

As for others' comments about what changes need to be made, I'm not so sure I agree. I came away from it feeling for both soldiers just because of the situation and didn't feel like anything was missing. Whether or not an audience empathizes with your characters is likely up to the director and how they guide the performances. I think you've set it up wonderfully and if you were to do much more, you'd do the director's job for them on the page.

However, if you were to make changes, I'd say you should add that both men wear wedding bands and have an extra memento on their persons from their families. Maybe a photo of Chalky's wife falls out of his pocket and Lothar plays with a little doll while he smokes? That way, they're connected but on opposite sides of the coin.

Hey Steve

Nice flow to the script, quick,easy read.

My only gripe would be the no subtitles with the German, the audience needs to know what's happening.

Also once the date has come up at the start have another super. D-DAY.

Good work

Michael

Thanks Rich for pointing that out about the name -- it was a last minute change in a nod to the old Commando comics I read as a kid. Damn, what were the odds...  Back to imdb for me.

Thanks, Michael and Dan, really appreciate the feedback.

Steve.

Steve,

I liked this one a lot.

I really like the idea of us not knowing what Lothar is saying, and us being in the same boat as Chalky. However, I think this may change the dynamics of the story slightly, as I felt myself siding with Lothar more during it, which may have given the final reveal about the landmine more weight. And despite liking the idea of non-subtitled dialogue, I fear quite a bit of the conflict and information will be lost, as we will have no idea that Lothar is only fighting Chalky to restrain him; not to actually injure him.

Have a little play around with it; cut out Lothar's dialogue, show it to people, and see if anything is lost on them.

Building further upon the point of siding with Lothar during this script, I felt that Chalky needs to be developed further, so that I the reader has more of an emotional connection with his character. Because at the minute, I cared far more about Lothar than Chalky.

But regardless, as I said in the start, I really liked this one.

It was very well-written throughout, and was a quick, enjoyable read.

All the best with it,

Toby.

Hey Steve,

Always a pleasure to dive in and give one of your shorts a read.  The writing was trim and clear and made this a breeze to read.

I liked it but I didn’t take away a lot from it – didn’t pull any emotional weight with me. Who was I rooting for? Chalky probably just because but neither character had enough to give this story any real substance or meaning.

I did like the idea behind these two enemies sharing the same trouble or the while not understanding one another for obvious reasons. I would have loved to see you tackle this from a different perspective and show how this problem could have caused the death of our supposed hero Chalky.

I think it could work in the fact that reader knows what he’s saying (likewise on film with subtitles) but Chalky doesn’t and while Lothar is warning him, he believes as you’d expect that he’s the enemy and it gets himself killed. I guess I am a pessimist. ;D

A good read but lacks any emotion punch for me. :)

Steve

Toby, thanks for the notes and apologies for taking so long, I’ve been away from the computer for a while.

Thanks for taking a look Steve. The re-write tackles some of those issues mentioned.  Let me know if I can return the read.


Steve.

Thanks Don for re-posting.

Thought I’d take a crack at a re-write.  Ended up taking this version in a slightly different direction.  Also decided to leave one character’s dialogue in German this time round -- see how it comes across if the reader doesn’t know exactly what’s being said.

...Unless you speak German that is.

Steve.