The Move by Nikita Zvyagintsev - Short, Drama - A short screenplay about how people talking too much BS when they should be doing work. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

That’s just what we do. All the rest of those bozos just kill people and don’t care about such things like aesthetics or humanism. We, on the other hand, put some charm into this violent act of human nature by bringing the element of surprise into it, in such a way depriving our victim of psychological trauma of knowing the exact moment he or she is going to be killed and just like that they don’t suffer that much.

It's dialogue like this that goes on for far too long in huge blocks, seems out of place, and should be chopped down.  At first I thought this was going to be a short about co-workers in cubicles messing around but instead we're given two clueless hit men. Through their dialogue, we gather that they have a history of killing people.  This specific part in their lives makes me wonder how they lasted this long to begin with.  Tom and Larry sit in a gay bar -- jam-packed with gays -- that is described pretty much as a place with quiet chatter.  The two hit men then go on to talk about their past, their boss, how they're gonna take care of their next contract.  They get rowdy and pretty loud in their discussion.  No one over hears this conversation?  No one calls the police?  I find it hard to believe that any two professional killers would even make a peep about why they were there in the first place.  Also, when the Fox finally enters the bar and notices them first, you write that he slowly approaches the table, followed by another big discussion/argument by Tom and Larry.  Wouldn't someone in the place see Fox with two pistols in his hands, taking his good old time?

Sorry Nikita,

Could not get past the logline.

Never use "A short screenplay about ......" We know it's a screenplay, you don't have to tell us !!!!!!

"how people talking too much BS when they should be doing work"

Really doesn't interest me to hear a lot of people talking BS when they should be working.
This doesn't suck me in to want to read further as it sounds Really Really Really BORING.  

Sorry

Hi Nikita,

The problem with this script is that it unwillingly literally depicts your logline; to much dialog and not enough action (to be honnest thats exactely my to) .

"The song "Get Down On It" by Kool
and The Gang is playing".

Do you have the rights to this song?


Regard Rutger