This Is New Hampshire - Episode 1.01 - Don't Panic by Aaron Cade - Series - After a heated confrontation, Zach Highlander is academically expelled from North Florida State University, and finds himself moving to the city of Manchester, New Hampshire to escape from it all. 19 pages - pdf, format 8)

Cheers for putting this up! :) Just want to say a couple of quick comments

- The series is designed to be an online web series ie to be shown on Youtube or other means with average episodes running from 10 to 15 minutes in length (with the occasional supersized episode planning to run around about 21 to 22 minutes)
- I currently have 10 episodes planned for the first season, and the second episode will be up in a few days
- Aaron Cade is my current pen name I'm using

Thanks for the amazing site and opportunity to support some amazing creative work!

Hey Aaron

I only got through the first eight pages so my notes will only be on what I've read.

Just a few over all notes before I get into specifics. The use of colons after the characters name for dialogue isn't necessary. In fact I've never seen that used before. To many "ing" words. You should avoid them. Your action should be active not passive. The dialogue felt to stilted. there needs to be a little more conversational tone, especially in the student. If he's 21, his dialogue should reflect that. Also, you use the phrase "we see" a lot. While I'm not completely opposed to the use of it you kind of abuse it. Whenever you write action in your script, it's implied that we see it so it's really not necessary

pg.1 - "he tosses the clock aside and just darts out of bed", I'd drop the "just". You do this a lot though out the piece. Not needed and the sentences that do have it red better without. I know this should have been on the overall notes but I'm just lazy I guess.

pg.2 - "The professor just stares at him - as does everybody else doing the test" I'd just write it, "as does everybody else."

"- whilst Zach is still holding the same pose he had when he previously talked." this read awkward to me. I'd write Zach hasn't moved, or maybe when he slams the door "Zach freezes", then mention that he's still frozen or something along those lines.

pg.3 - "OPENING CREDITS - The song, "Rearviewmirror" by Pearl Jam plays during the opening credits. END CREDITS." Unless you are directing this yourself you should probably leave it out. The producers/director will make the call on what music is used and where credits should be placed. Focus on the story.

pg.4 - In the professors dialogue you use all caps twice, ex:" I REGRET TO INFORM YOU, that you have failed Economics 402..." I get that he's interrupting, but unless he's yelling the ALL CAPS isn't necessary. It's generally assumed that a character interrupting another character is talking over them (louder than the other).

"A combination of shock, anger and disbelief settles in for Zach." I would just say 'Zach is a mix of shock, anger and disbelief' instead.

Bottom of pg.5 top of pg.6 - really abusing the all caps. Maybe save it for each characters last line, helps build the tension. otherwise it just feels like their yelling the entire time which doesn't make for a cinematic scene, it's just a screaming match, which is more reality TV.

pg.6 - Again, unless you have the rights to the songs that you've mentioned, you shouldn't put them in the script, and definitely don't give direction as to when the music comes in, builds or fades out. These are things that will be decided in post by the production company.

pg.8 - "He looks like he’s disappointed with himself after lying to his father." You really don't need to write all this, just saying he looks disappointed will get the point across. It'll be implied why.


And I think I've given you plenty to mull over for now. Over all I think it's a good start, especially if you're planning on doing this yourself and can get permission to use the songs you've mentioned.

Hi - are you filming this yourself? Some of it's generally okay - but it'll make a difference if you want someone else to film it.

Cheers for the advice people! :) The music is just used as a personal thing to I guess "visualise" how the episode would look like if it was aired.

Originally the show was done just for a fun scriptreading thing for me and my friends, but we might self produce the first episode in the coming months once a cast has been finalised. If this was the case, we would most likely use Creative Commons music or getting permission from smaller, local bands (or perhaps even write it ourselves).

Anyway thanks for the advice guys!