Red Crucible by Ira Altman - Drama - A Jewish Communist evades the clutches of the invading Nazis only to be enslaved in the socialist "paradise" of Stalin's USSR. 116 pages - pdf, format 8)

The link has been fixed.

Don

READERS' RESPONSES TO THE SCRIPT

Ira-
We liked your story. This is something that we would love to do. However, since we are a fairly new non-profit teaching project we do not feel this is one to start out with. We also feel we could not do it justice within our budgetary constraints.

This is not to say we will not do it, but if you have an opportunity to get it filmed within the next 2-3 years, then please do so.

Thank you again for submitting it.

Yours,
Tom Sowel
Tallcastle



“Red Crucible” is a moving story of a young Jewish man in Eastern Europe
whose life is thrown into turmoil during the turbulent years leading up to
and encompassing the Second World War.  

The story highlights a conflicted world for the protagonist, a world that contains economic hardship, anti-Semitism, an unstable family life, and the inescapable cruelties of the times, that the protagonist seeks to survive and, ultimately, makes his way to America.

This is a tale that holds promise for providing greater insights into life during these times.  Through detailed dialogue and narrative passages, we are given a first-hand glimpse of the difficulties the protagonist faces from his very early years.  

Abandoned multiple times by his father, he is forced to make his own way.  He is faced with haphazard care by family members whose own hardships make them provide for him, begrudgingly out of a sense of obligation.

He suffers the harshness of life in an orphanage, and the brutality of confinement by authorities.

Ultimately, his life makes a drastic turn as he is among those liberated by American forces at the end of the war.  His hope surges and his faith in mankind appear to re-emerge as he sails into New York Harbor.

The voice over dialogue that is provided by Hershl is lovely and poetic evoking an emotional response. It plays to some of the internal struggles, concerns, and conflicts of the character and the times. We hear from his own voice his struggles.  

Visuals such as Hershl’s “teeth chattering ” and frostbitten feet also tug at the emotional heart.  

Later visuals (page 75) such as: “Suddenly, clouds of mosquitoes attack. They run from spot to spot and look like black ghosts dancing in the gloomy night,” provide for haunting and eerie images.

There is plenty of authentic history, rich with great detail. The passion of the story is heard.  

We have no doubt, here is a story that will prove to be touching and heartfelt for all.

DTF
Reader for Afilmwriter.com Screenwriting Contest


Hey Ira, Thank you so much for your submission. Your screenplay sounds intriguing and something along the lines of what we are looking for ... Personally, this is a story that I would love to see produced...Please keep pushing to get this screenplay filmed. I genuinely think that it has potential. I would love to watch it in the cinema some day.

Daniel Botha
Script Analyst
Chaosscripts

Dear I.Altman,
We are pleased to accept the first 10 pages of your screenplay, "Red
Crucible," for publication in the Spring 2013 Issue of Viral Cat.
Thanks for submitting!

Tiffany Slotwinski
Editor in Chief, Viral Cat
http://www.viralcat.com



Man, that sounds like a gut wrenching tale. Best of luck with it and your logline and brief synopsis are good.
-Phillip Hardy

We are interested in producing your script, it will take 6 months before we put it in production. Congratulations!
-Anthony Wei
7 Productions
Anthony Wei Films
(author did not accept offer).


I very much enjoyed your story. It was very well written and was a joy to read. It kept me interested, and led me on, page after page.
-WDB - Literary Movies


This sounds like an amazing story...
-Susan Johnston
-Founder/Director, New Media Film Festival
-President, Select Services Films, Inc.
-Casting Director, Susan Johnston Casting
Award Winning Producer http://www.SelectServicesFIlms.com Prior to LA, 5 years with Providence and Rhode Island Film Commissions.
Professor Emeritus New Media
Judge Daytime Emmys
Judge New Media Institute
Judge Machinima
Legend Series on Machinima in Second Life
Speaker on New Media, Social Media and Incremental Monetization in the Digital Space


Ira, Your summary has intrigued me and I would love to read the whole script and see if it is something that my group can do - Matthew Mangum, Keepers Universe

First of all...

Welcome to Simply Scripts.

I am kinda curious why you posted as your first introduction, a resume of sorts about your script.

It is a very unique way of showing what has been said about your story though.

You can quote me on that.  :)

I would give it a read, but I have several ahead of this and I'm a slow reader.

That's not to say that when I'm done, I won't though.

I wish you the best of luck.

Btw...You picked a GREAT place to post it. That said, this is a give and take website.

If people see you putting into the community and reading and reviewing scripts, you will see more doing the same with your story here.

Take care

Shawn.....><

Thanks, Shawn. I'm looking forward to being a member of this group.

You have a good story here but there are lots of technical errors. A lot of telling, and in many cases you tell us through the action and then follow it with redundant dialogue telling the exact same thing. Below is a good example.


EXT. STREET - LATER THAT NIGHT
On the way home, Ben Tsion tells Hershl how he wound up at
grandfather Lev's apartment.

BEN TSION
Father already had a plan as to what
to do with us after he took you to
the orphanage. One day he told me he
was planning on marrying the young
woman with whose family we were
boarding. Later, I noticed father
and his new wife constantly whispering
behind my back.
You want me to abandon him?

Also in this example, you're basically using a SUPER is the slugline, which you shouldn't do. There are several cases of passive writing - someone is running instead of runs.

I like the story, it held my interest through the first 20 pages but there's a lot to clean up. The good news is it's a pretty easy fix.

Thank you. I see your point - it's well taken.

Hey Alt - not too sure what software you're using here? Some of your margins and page numbers are off. Numbering starts on page 2 BTW and generally you don't FADE IN: to V.O. You've also stuck in a CUT TO: without a following location.

Adapting a book to a screenplay is a tricky process, and this looks a little too much of a literalisation rather than an adaptation.

I agree it's got potential, but maybe it's that you're not realizing its potential that's stopping it getting produced.

Good luck with it.