Opening up...
Quoted Text INT. (MONTAGE)
Beetoven’s “Moonlight Sonata” PLAYS AGAINST
MONDO FOOTAGE of a group of COLLEGE STUDENTS tripping on LSD in a room. The
following shots are CLOSE and TEASING: |
That is
not a good way to start off a script. INT or EXT is followed by a PLACE and a general TIME like INT. PLACE - NIGHT. Then under it can be MONTAGE or SERIES OF SHOTS if you like. Drop the last line, that's directing and redundant. While Beethoven's works may be public domain enough where it may be okay to have it play in a background of a scene, to have it over the montage is also telling the director
what specifically should be played.
The series of shots montage is incorrectly formatted. Treat them like action line and not like dialog blocks. In fact, let's take a look at that.
Quoted Text -- A BRUNETTE convulses on the
floor, vomiting all over herself.
-- TWO NAKED GIRLS make out nearby,
violent and passionate.
-- A BLONDE rips off her blouse
with a pair of scissors, LAUGHING
MANIACALLY as she STABS her NAKED
BOYFRIEND in the face with a pair
of scissors.
-- MORE ANGLES on the bloody
aftermath as the blonde continues
stabbing her dead boyfriend.
Nearby, a REDHEAD LAUGHS and
SCRATCHES the skin off her own
face.
-- WOMAN’S HAND slides into a LONG
WHITE GLOVE with NUMEROUS SWORDS
imbedded into it.
-- A PROFESSOR records all of this
footage on site as it happens with
a handheld. Her lens gets
SPLATTERED with blood. She smiles |
Now, repeat after me. ABRACADABRA
Quoted Text
A BRUNETTE convulses on the floor. vomits.
TWO NAKED GIRLS make out nearby.
A BLONDE rips off her blouse with a pair of scissors, LAUGHING
MANIACALLY as Laughs like a maniac. STABS her NAKED BOYFRIEND in the face with a pair of scissors.
-- MORE ANGLES on the bloody
aftermath as the blonde continues
stabbing her dead boyfriend.
REDHEAD LAUGHS . SCRATCHES the skin off her own
face.
WOMAN’S HAND slides into a LONG WHITE GLOVE with NUMEROUS SWORDS
imbedded into it a sword pattern.
A PROFESSOR records all of this footage on site as it happens with
a handheld. Her lens gets SPLATTERED splatters with blood. She smiles.
|
Getting rid of the passives. Getting rid of the redundance. Getting rid of the camera angles.
Getting rid of the montage altogether. As far as I know when I read the passages at first, it is as if the teens and the Professor are all in the same room and there is no passage of time ("Nearby"..."records as it happens") So that
shows me that this is not a montage. It should be written as action/narrative.
And while that's a quick example, we could get tighter still. And more direct in gender. "Blonde" alone doesn't do it. "Redhead" alone doesn't work. And since there's a Brunette. what hair colors were the other two girls? If that doesn't matter, why should the rest of it?
Quoted Text TITLE CARD: HOUSE OF FLIES
THE MAIN THEME PLAYS AS CREDIT ROLLS OVER A COLLAGE OF GRAINY
BLACK-AND-WHITE MONDO
FOOTAGE--SEXUAL DEVIANCE AND VISCERAL
CARNAGE--MERCIFULLY BRIEF SHOTS OF FIRE, RITUALS, NAKED
WOMEN, FARM ANIMALS, AND BIZARRE RITUALS THAT LEAVE MUCH TO
THE IMAGINATION. |
Here's where the MONTAGE or SERIES OF SHOTS should be. (Highlighted for this post,)
SERIES OF SHOTS
A collage of grainy home - snuff movies and still photographs: rituals, animal sacrifice, pentagrams, sex, violence etc.Don't worry about where the title goes. Don't worry about camera angles. DON'T PUT EVERYTHING IN CAPS IT ISN'T A WANTED POSTER IT'S A SPEC SCRIPT.
Camera angles up the wazoo. Dialog is alright, but ciould be better. I stop reading at page 20 (you're a page off, so the PDF says 21) why? Here's why.
Quoted Text Jefferon Airplane’s “White Rabbit” plays on a record player
against the backdrop of a shower. |
And if you go
chasing rabbits
and you think you're
going to fall
better get the name of
the band spelled right
as if you're supposed to name the song at allGo ask Alice
When She's Ten Feet Tall
- DjS