ARCADIA by CJ Matthews - Drama, Action, Horror - A group of children must struggle on their own to survive in a devastated world, all whilst coping with bleak situations and despair. 93 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi author,

Is there a reason for the +/- symbols surrounding the title?

It seems an odd choice -- and almost a bit random -- but I am curious about it, too.

Hey CJ.  I'm not going to read much, simply for the reason that I haven't seen you around yet on the boards (I don't think) and this board is all about give and take.

Anyways, your logline doesn't work.  A logline is a short summary of what your script is about.  In yours, you're telling us what Arcadia is, but let US the reader, decide what it is.

This is what your logline should be: "A group of children must struggle on their own to survive in a devastated world, all whilst coping with hope, anger and despair." -- or something like that.

Anyways, onto the script.  I only read one page, but if I see you around I might come back for more.  

"+ARCADIA+" what's with this title?  Why not just ARCADIA?  Is the two symbols on either end... like... I dunno.  

You start off with a HUGE block of action text.  That's a big no.  You need to make sure action lines never go over three lines before you take a new paragraph.  That's the normal.

"BILLY (14 years old), a smart kid who has seen too much,
damaged from immense trauma,(covered in blood) walks through
a completely devastated city, he is on a long empty road."

Drop the, "a smart kid who has seen too much..." as this is you TELLING us.  How do we know he's smart?  How do we know he has seen too much?  You need to be able to SHOW us this.  Show and not tell.  Your first paragraph would read better, IMO, as:

"BILLY (14), a damaged kid covered in blood walk down a desolate road in a devastated city somewhere." -- see?  Less lines.  Visual.  More to the point.

Your first big block of text is reading really... robotic or something.  This happens... then this... then this.  It's not flowing well for me.  So, this is what you wrote:

"Nothing but crashed cars are on the road. He is holding a
gun. He slowly limps along the road alone. He has been
crying. He walks for a while but then sits on the curb of the
road. He looks at some gun bullets next to the curb. He picks
them up and loads the gun. He stares at the gun for a while
and then pulls the sleeves of his jumper back revealing a
bite. It is beginning to mutate. He stares at the gun again.
Puts it to his head and closes his eyes. "

I think would be better as:

"Crashed cars cover the road he walks.  Billy, gun in his hand,
continues to limp until he pauses and sits down on a curb.

Bullets scatter the curb.  Billy loads the gun with one, then pulls
the sleeves of his jumper back to reveal a BITE mark.  It's mutating.

Bill stares at the gun.  Aims it at his head.  Slowly, his eyes close..."

Or something like that.  You NEED to read MORE screenplays on this board to see how things are laid out.  You have a very interesting story (the sound of the story and plot is what pulled me into reading) but it's weighed down by badly laid out and formatted writing.

Then you wrote:

"IT CUTS TO BLACK AND A GUNSHOT IS HEARD

CREDITS

FADE IN:"

Should be:

                              "CUT TO BLACK:

A gunshot is head.

CREDITS

FADE IN:"

Okay, and your next slug should be:

INT. BILLY'S HOUSE - BILLY'S BEDROOM - DAY" -- never use the TIME of the day unless it is totally pivotal to the story.  And what's with the "/" instead of " - " ???

I've never seen "/" used in slugs.  Again, I suggest reading more screenplays to see what I'm talking about.

Bottom of page 1 --

BILLY
*Coughs* Ugh... Ella?

Should be

BILLY
(Coughing)
Ugh... Ella?

You wrote --

"ELLA (14 years old) a calm, mature girl who is fairly softspoken however, isn't afraid to raise her voice in tense situations, is standing next to his bed."

We have only just met Ella.  How do we know she's calm or mature or softspoken?  How do we know she isn't afraid to raise her voice?  Again, this is TELL.  You need to show us all these things you're describing.  When introducing a character you want to say their age and describe how they look, and that's basically it.

When Billy asks what Ella is doing awake so early... early should not be capped at the front.

Also, when Billy says: "That�s the thing. I don�t WANT their to be sides!" you used the wrong "their" it should be "there".  You only use "their" to describe something possessive, for example: "Their house, their car, their screenplay, their use of the wrong word..." get whadda mean?

So, I stopped reading.  So many mistake all on one page, which is a shame, since this sounds like a good story.  I'd suggest jumping into the community and getting to reading some scripts to see where you're going wrong.

Good luck.  Hope to see you around :)

-- Curt

Agree with the review above. If you can't film it then it don't belong in the script." Ella isn't afraid to raise her voice"- you can't film that in her introduction but as the story goes on we should see that in her behavior. Then we understand what kind of person she is. Say for instance we read- 38 year old Brad works at a nut house. He is a jerk. [doesnt work] something like 38 year old Brad leaves his job at an insane asylum. On his way out he punches three people and pees on the car next to his- We then conclude ourselves that he is in fact a jerk. Let us learn the characters personality through their actions as the story goes. Keep at it!

It's a goemetry term.

It means plus OR minus. It's a combination of both.
Ex: ±5 is the same thing as writing 5 and -5.

And ARCADIA  is one of the regional units of Greece.

Curt read the story.

Hey Curt does this explanation make sense according to the story?

Shawn.....><

I only read one page.  So the explanation doesn't make sense to me, but it might for someone who got further into the story.  There were too many errors on the first page for me to continue any further.  I do like the idea though and hope the writer shows up to shed us some light. :)

-- Curt