Ghetto Vampires by Joe Lewis - Horror - Proud soldier Roy Royce returns home to find his brothers have taken over the drug trad and his mother has become a vampire! 91 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Joe,

Not to sound harsh but you need to read some scripts to get the format down. Right now the entire script looks to be one huge 91 page paragraph.

- Dirk

Quoted from DV44 Not to sound harsh but you need to read some scripts to get the format down. Right now the entire script looks to be one huge 91 page paragraph.

I've seen this before. Apparently it's formated correctly, but you need fdx viewer or something to read it.

Thing is, no one's going to download software just so they can read a script.

Joe, I suggest submitting in pdf format. If you're around and you submit a more readable version, I'll take a look. Your logline is intrigues me.

Will

Hi Joe,

You can SAVE it in pdf - just click SAVE AS PDF, or if you don't have it for some reason - go to PRINT and select print to PDF.
And there you have it - PDF. :)

Like  khamanna said.

Of course, I do have the recent version of FD. It does look like you just got the FD program for the first time and are still trying to work out what's what. The title page of the script is blank/ default "SCRIPT TITLE", so you need to go to your document tab- title page for that.

Work  on the character names


It's bad enough that the main character is Roy Royce, (Rolls Royce?) but when he's picked up at the airport, it's Ray. Ray and Roy. Even if they are brothers. I'll assume Ray's a vampire early on because he can drive and take out (and use) a Glock at the same time.

Before you think I'm a jerk for making a big deal of this, I'll quote you a line of narrative.  

Quoted Text Ray aims the pistol as the window slides down. Roy fires. The pistol explodes silently.

What's a 'silent explosion, anyway?
Roy doesn't have a gun. Ray does. And Ray drives the car. and the next line -

Quoted Text The windshield of the oncoming car explodes. The car careens into a hydrant. Water explodes into the air and falls like an evil rain.

Explodes is written three times. Try something like:

The windshield of the oncoming car shatters. The car careens into a hydrant.
Water geysers.

The 'evil rain' reads a bit prosy, and can be said in less words. Do you need to write how the water from the hydrant falls? Not really.

Then we are into'd to the other brothers, RON and Ruggero.  >:(
Okay Ruggero is fine. At least his name isn't a three letter R name.

Seems to be something to the names anyway. A pointless (and isulting) conversation with antags KIng, X and Percy over how Percy's name isn't "nigga" enough slows this read down even further. Forced and juvinile, we get to X:

Quoted Text X That's right everyone of those motherfuckers first and last name begin with a fucking 'R.' That's fucked up.

So it was intentional. In that case, Roy, Richard, Ross. Having all R names is bad, but if you get away from them all having three letters, it's an imoprovement. Better yet, if one of the RR bros has a nickname or street name that doesn't start with the letter R, that's better.

Less confusion to not only readers, but yourself as well.
Spelling and grammar errors abound.
Loads of F bombs. No other reason other than to just have them and make them sound cliched.

Ray's pistol was silenced thus the silent explosion. The main charachters names all begin with R's. They are referred to by their enemies as The Double R ranch. thanks.

Hi Joseph,

Welcome to SS. If you want more people to have a read of your work, perhaps it would be best to read some other screenplays on this forum. Simply is all about give and take. The more reads you provide, the more reads you will get on your work. Just a wee tip to make your experience here more enjoyable.

Also, I would advise converting all your scripts to PDF.  I do have FD, but I would have to copy and paste the coded version to my software.

Good luck and once again, welcome to SS :)

Dan

thank you, Danbotha!

Hey Joseph-

Heads up, there's a typo in the posted logline-  "trad" s/b "trade". Also, probably not a good idea to put a "!" in the logline. IMO it appears forced. Good luck.

Quoted from JosephLewis Ray's pistol was silenced thus the silent explosion. The main charachters names all begin with R's. They are referred to by their enemies as The Double R ranch. thanks.

As with your personal message, you missed the point.
Having two or more characters - even intentionally - with those names is going to be really confusing to your readers over a short period of time. I also pointed out that even you forget who's who.

BTW, silencers lower the sound of a gun, but the gun isn't "silent". So there isn't a "silent explosion" (not to mention that the description isn't needed. Roy fires the gun.)

Just a second on DJS' point here. It was a little confusing over the first few pages with Ray/Roy.

There's a tone and commitment here that's pretty enjoyable -- I think the greatest strength of the opening scenes is the total deadpan approach to the mom being a vampire.

The Percy stuff does slow everything right down, though. That "hang out with the characters" stuff doesn't work unless they're extremely engaging or likeable characters, and for me, these guys aren't. Speaking of likeability, for me you're pushing the boundaries with Roy and Ray, too...Roy might be surprised by the drug dealing, but he doesn't have a problem with it, and the "towelhead" comment doesn't exactly endear either of these guys to the reader.

As I say, I think it's the deadpan vampire stuff that makes this work, but these characters don't entice me to keep reading to the vampire reveal, especially if they're gonna sit and talk about names for a long time.

Thank you, Heretic!

I kind of dug what I read but I'm vampired out. Just tired of it. Didn't have a problem with the cursing because gangsters drop F bombs like crazy. Page 3 Roy says "maybe the fuck she's pregnant". That line didnt read well for me. I know ghetto talk is broken senteces but use it wisely. I like the dialogue between characters but nothing really popped. It's not fair judging since I only read about 8 pages but you seem to be on your way. Keep at it.  Oh and the Evil Rain comes down comment. I've learned from here on SS that you should do two things. Don't overwrite and don't have a lack of clarity. Find a middle ground. "The hydrant's water rains down" should be enough. Not that what you wrote was bad but screenplay readers go through a ton of these things and they frown on mistakes in style. Keep at it! Gotta fix that title page also by the way.

thank you, sir.