Sidewalks by Curtis Rainey (AmbitionIsKey) - Short, Drama - After discovering she's pregnant a rebellious teenage girl returns home to face the mother that she hasn't seen in months. 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

Thanks Don for getting this up so fast.  Really appreciate it!

Again, a big shout out and thank you to TOBY (Toby_E) who really helped me out with this one and saw many drafts and eventually led me in the right direction with this, like with my last short!  Can't thank him enough!

The first draft of this was written in less than an hour and was something I did when a muse hit me.  And from then, it's grown into a short I really enjoyed working on, and one I really appreciate, thanks to Toby!

Hope you guys like it!

-- Curt

Hey up, Curt.

Typo on page 2, 'I hate what you've did to this family...'.  Something doesn't read right here?

I liked this, I nice story about love, life and family but...I couldn't help feel something was missing.  I can't explain what I was expecting but I thought something more was going to happen.  Even at the end when Bailee drew her dad in the picture, I thought it was going to lead somewhere but you didn't dwell on it and I was a bit disappointed.

There's nothing wrong with this,  not at all, it's a nice story but I thought it was going to give me more, don't know why and not sure what but I felt a little short changed.  Still a good piece though.  This isn't a great review really, is it?  lol.

Hey Allfy,

Hmm.  I'm not sure if that's a typo.  I would just say that it's the way Neve actually speaks, to me it reads fine..?

Glad you liked it.  I agree that maybe something's missing.  But the aim with this one was to be short and quick.  I think the first draft was maybe one or two pages shorter, and I didn't really want there to be a lot of scenes -- just something effective, easy to film, that had a nice story that everyone could understand.

In the original draft, Bailee's dad was an actual character but he was removed and the chalk drawing was a tactic so to let the reader know that her father is apart of her life, and apart of Neve's.

Glad you like the story though, and the short overall.  Reviews are basically our thoughts on something, and you gave me your thoughts, so to me this is a review and one that's gotten me thinking! :)

Always appreciate your feedback, thanks for the read!

-- Curt

Hey Curt,
I really liked the story but also agree with Alffy about something being missing. I’m not sure you need the series of shots, because some of the information is implied later. I think the Mother Daughter conflict can be further explored. My question is how has the characters changed from beginning to end, yes they are a happy family at end, but how did they change on an emotional level? What have mother and daughter resolved to reach the happy family unit? Is the pregnancy enough? Just some thoughts.
Stefan

I agree with alffy... feels like something is missing.

He used the phrase "short changed", and I'll second that.

I get the whole mother/daughters will always be there for each other bit...

However, I just got nothing out of this... no emotional connection... like with your earlier stuff.

I like "When it was Bliss" better.

Thanks for all the comments, guys.  Guess I might have to rethink this one.

-- Curt

Hey, Curt

I liked this, but I don't think it really works as a short. It's a simple, straightforward story. It would work better in a feature, but there is just no payoff. I was expecting a dark twist with the Father and Bailee.

I thought that the montage scene was too long. I wanted to see Neve in a depressed state, to empathize with her, but you kind of glossed over it.

The minor characters feel like placeholders, only there to drive the story along.

Overall, i thought the story was uneventful. Nothing really too dramatic happened.

As with all your works, very well writtten and a quick read.

Quoted from AmbitionIsKey Hey Allfy, Hmm.  I'm not sure if that's a typo.  I would just say that it's the way Neve actually speaks, to me it reads fine..?

Must be just me then lol.  Actually you're right, if it's the way your character talks then anything could be considered correct.  I mean, the way some youngsters talk these days leaves me scratching my head...I can't follow a word of it lol.

Quoted from AmbitionIsKey Thanks for all the comments, guys.  Guess I might have to rethink this one. -- Curt

Hey don't start re-thinking anything just yet.  That's, what, two, three, so-so comments?  You still have the whole rest of the forum.  I guarantee you that there will also be many people that will like this.  :)

As for me, I'm sorry I didn't find much in "Sidewalks," because I really, really wanted to like it.  It's probably the lightest in gloom & doom that you've written, but I don't think that's the problem (and I'm sure many people will go into this thinking that something extra tragic is going to occur).  Someone mentioned "uneventful" and maybe that's it.  Neve doesn't go through a bucket-load of conflict or obstacles or any kind of problem.  She gets into an argument with her mother, leaves, gets pregnant, shows back up to her mother's house, and smash cut to several years later -- everything's hunky dory -- although a little vague.  Some questions -- that you are probably leaving up to the viewer to decide on his/her own -- but what exactly happened to Neve's father and why is she so angry with her mother about it?  Does Dan stick around or does he skip town when Neve gives birth?  Who's the man in Neve's life?

I thought that a lot was missing from the script...

The opening scene, for starters:  why is Neve so pissed at her money for a birthday party.  It was a nice thing to do and, even if Neve though she was too mature for it, there was no reason to rip her mother a new one.  I thought she wasw way out of line and I immediately grew to dislike her.

Neve's time alone went by too quickly and I felt no urgency or concern for her.  This has to be fleshed out a lot.  Spend some time with her thinking whether or not she should return home.  What are her other options.

The ending just seemed very unrealistic for me.  How does a 21 year old single mom afford a house?

I think this story needs to be flesh out a whole lot more.  Look at Juno.  That story worked because it covered everything in Juno's pregnancy.  There was no glossing over things.

Hope this helps.


Phil

Hi Curt.  I might be on an Island with what I'm about to say, as no one else has mentioned this.  So you can disregard it as me being way off if you like, as I might well be.

The things that stood out for me were things that I can only describe as being a little, well...cheesy. The phrase that came to mind after the first scene was 'day time soap opera'.  This is what this felt like to me, and I'm not sure you were actually going for that.

I don't like the use of a SERIES of SHOTS in a script, and it happens to be because of things like this:

- With a smile on his face, a soaking Dan gives Neve a piggyback down a street as it rains.

- MOMENTS LATER they stop and kiss.

I'm hearing an 80's soft-rock ballad playing over this.  It's you know... a bit like a Bon Jovi video.

Later on this stood out for me...

NEVE
For, just, giving me this
unconditional love.

This sounds like something written on a Valentines day card, and not like something a person would say.

Sorry if this sounds harsh.  Just a few thoughts.  You are clearly a sound story teller, so don't take any of this to heart. Keep on keepin' on.

Quoted from dogglebe I thought that a lot was missing from the script... The opening scene, for starters:  why is Neve so pissed at her money for a birthday party.  It was a nice thing to do and, even if Neve though she was too mature for it, there was no reason to rip her mother a new one.  I thought she wasw way out of line and I immediately grew to dislike her. Neve's time alone went by too quickly and I felt no urgency or concern for her.  This has to be fleshed out a lot.  Spend some time with her thinking whether or not she should return home.  What are her other options. The ending just seemed very unrealistic for me.  How does a 21 year old single mom afford a house? Phil

Phil raises some good points.

First, and I totally didn't even pick up on it, the beginning... I can see how readers will easily dislike Neve almost instantly and that is not good as she is your protag.  Also Curt, I got to thinking, as I usually do when I read your shorts, maybe the cliche "it should have been you instead" line could be axed.

Secondly, and I've already said it, but you definitely need work on Neve's situation -- extensively.

I have nothing invested in this character.  I don't see her going through obstacles or having major struggles with her conscience as to whether or not she'll carry the baby to term.  Believe me, a woman (especially a teenage girl) going through a pregnancy (that was a surprise, no less) by herself, alone, with no one there for her, well, that's a fucking hard situation, as Mr.  White would put it.  As it is, she just gets knocked up, returns home, and all of a sudden smash cut to 4 years later and everything is peachy.  Explore Neve's character, her journey...everything.  Squeeze everything you can from an idea like this.

As for a 21-year-old single mom being able to afford a house???  Well, Phil, we don't know.  You're right in that too many things have been left out of this story.  Does Dan man up and find a good paying job to support Neve and his daughter?  Does Neve herself find a really good job?  Does she ditch Dan and meet up with some guy who was born into money?  Does Diane pitch in some cash?  Who knows... it's unclear.  As for it being unrealistic, I disagree.  I know a couple around that same age that just bought a house.  How they do it with the "jobs" that they have... if you wanna call it jobs...but they manage, and I'm very surprised.

Quoted from Guest As for a 21-year-old single mom being able to afford a house???  Well, Phil, we don't know.  You're right in that too many things have been left out of this story.  Does Dan man up and find a good paying job to support Neve and his daughter?  Does Neve herself find a really good job?  Does she ditch Dan and meet up with some guy who was born into money?  Does Diane pitch in some cash?  Who knows... it's unclear.  As for it being unrealistic, I disagree.  I know a couple around that same age that just bought a house.  How they do it with the "jobs" that they have... if you wanna call it jobs...but they manage, and I'm very surprised.

Exactly!  We don't know how she did this.  Did she win the lottery?  An inheritence?  Did she star in an MTV reality show?


Phil

I think I'll have to work on another draft then, thanks guys.

-- Curt

Let me know when you finish it.... I'll give it a read before you post it, if you want.

I sure will then, Reaper. :)

I really do appreciate all the reviews.

More conflict, more of Neve's journey, make Neve more likable, make things less ambiguous, make things more clear, maybe a bit more dark, more conflict.

I'll try to work on the next draft during the coming week. :)

-- Curt

Yeah, but I think this story would benefit from not being condensed into a small 10 pages.

I'd already came to the conclusion that the page count would have to be bigger.  I can see the new draft being about 16/17 pages.  

-- Curt

Hi Curt

Very engaging story. I very much like reading such stories where characters' relationships are truly tested. While I did truly enjoy reading your script, I feel it deserves the chance for expansion on some elements, already suggested by the commenters above. But otherwise, great script once again. I think this is the second one of your scripts I've read where I have thoroughly enjoyed reading every scene. Keep it up :)

-Silva Sly-

Thanks Silva, yea you read Wen It Was Bliss too.  Glad you enjoyed this one overall.  I still need to find time to rewrite this one!

Curt

Curtis

Technically your writing is solid, clean and lean. However, I would refrain from saying “We see” in the prose as it sends up amateur red flags. Personally, I don’t mind it but it’s one of them “no no’s” since “we” are not present in the scene, it’s considered false information.

Other than that, it’s a pleasurable read.

“In a skate-park, Neve and Lisa along with a lot of other
TEENAGERS drink and dance and go nuts.”

- I’ll admit to a little chuckle at the phrase “and go nuts” but it’s a bit vague don’t you think? In what way are they going nuts exactly; dancing, fighting, vandalising…an orgy!

DIANNE (CONT’D)
She’s been staying over at Lisa’s
place. But I know that Lisa and
her mom are in Toronto this
weekend, so Neve’s alone... I’m
guessing...

- This feels a little contrived, thus the ramming in of all the exposition to explain why Dianne’s 17 year old daughter is staying at a friend’s house, alone. It just seems rather forced in order to keep mother and daughter apart right when Neve has gotten such important news.

DIANNE (CONT’D)
Because she doesn’t want to see me.
I thought when she walked out, it
was... some strop, that she was
angry. But she hasn’t called or
contacted me in, like, five months.

- Five months, really? She’s only 17, not even an adult yet is she? Regardless of her age, staying at a friend’s house or not and whatever strife may have been going on at home, any loving mother would have surely made contact in the intervening time and not let five months go by.

DIANNE (CONT’D)
If space is what she needs, then
she’s getting it. I have time.

- No sh?t, sure looks that way! ;)

“That’s why you’re back
here, back with the mother...”

- “The Mother” reads a bit awkward.

DIANE
What for, honey?

- Don’t mean to be condescending but Duh, what do you think, woman. I know you didn’t intend it this way but it’s almost like she’s fishing for compliments, wanting Neve to verbalise it.

NEVE
You don’t even understand, mom.

- Reads a bit strange too. How about:

“You don’t even realise, mom.”

Or you could just omit it altogether.

DIANE
I’m going to miss that angel,
especially, I hope you know.

- Mmm, yeah, this reads rather weird for me too.

BAILEE
That’s all of us. Me, grandma,
daddy and you.

- So there is a father on the scene? This should be clarified. I can only presume on it being Dan. However, the montage featuring their meeting portrayed it like a one night stand. Dan was gone the next morning before Neve awoke. What do you think the reader will surmise from that?

Emotionally, the script layers it on a bit thick. I appreciate it you tackling so called “big” themes mother/daughter relationship, broken home, teenage pregnancy, motherhood and above all, forgiveness, reconciliation and love even if they (and the story mechanics) are a little stock and textbook.

Although nothing new is explored here the loading of emotion, long pauses, simple dialogue-less interludes and measured pace gave it a welcome flavour I don’t see much on a boards. A story (speaking within a 9 pager context of course) that takes its time to unfold the narrative, which I inherently respond to since my scripts are often accused of the same (often deemed) criticism. I like how you focused on the nuances, the body language and facial expressions.

Unfortunately, the final third victim to overkill and maudlin sentimentality. I think this is because events are coming to a head so a confrontation is inevitable, this requires more dialogue and here is where I think you fall down. The opening half to two thirds of the script had less conversation, instead focusing more on what was unsaid, particularly the middle section, and this what I enjoyed most about it. As soon as it got too talky, the characterisation came across as a tad clunky and overtly earnest.

Also, plot-wise as I mentioned above, the elements are rather simplistic played out in a very simplistic, direct way. Much like another script of yours I read “Need” I was looking for more out of the story. Here it’s; Daughter has argument with mother, moves out, gets pregnant, comes back, reconciles with mother and it’s happy ever after. While I do admire the sheer enthusiasm and affirmation of familial bonds I wanted more conflict here, another twist or dimension to the story. I know you only got 9 pages but I think you could flesh it out some more, steer it off the linear trajectory it’s on.

To support my point, 2 and a half of the 9 pages just show mother and daughter reconciling and seemingly living blissfully four years on. In my opinion, those scenes should end at least a page earlier in proportion to the script’s length.

Anyway, I don’t mean to sound too harsh, this has potential, the writing is good, the story is there, it just needs some development.

Col.  

Curt,
Heard a lot of good things about your work so I thought I'd give a read!

This was refreshing, really.  Instead of the train wrecks you see on "Teen Mom," we get a really nice snapshot of a difficult situation.

In the early parts of the story you open with a fight.  I think a little more clarity could be added.  Not really sure why or  what they're fighting about.  The cake falls on top of an empty wine bottle.  Is Diane an alcoholic?  You seem to suggest that, but it's not explained.  And there's no mention of Diane being an alcoholic later on.  What gives?

Later on we se see Neve drinking, and this guy Dan drinking.  Does this again suggest Diane may be an alcoholic--runs in the family type of thing?  But then again, drinking is what a lot of teens do, so Neve could just be you average teen.

Also, you kinda suggest that Dan is out of the picture at some point.  Page 3:

She's alone and Dan is nowhere to be seen...

Now, he might just be at the store, but...since he doen't have any lines I assumed he was gone.  Heard she was pregnant, took off.  However, later on Bailee draws a picture of him on the sidewalk, suggesting he's around, but he's referred to as A MAN.  Is that still Dan?

Anyway, that aside, I felt this was a decidedly happy story.  Like I said earlier...refreshing.  Happy endings happen sometimes.  I like it.

It read quick, was easy to follow.  Didn't have to go back and re-read anything.  Technically it seems sound.  Although I'm not the technical police.  I rarely mention anything like that unless it's glaring.  

I'd give it a re-write and fix some of those issues.  But that's just me.  

Regards,
Steve