Lynch's Wish Upon A Star by Devin M. Rush - Short, Sci Fi - Disgruntled farmhand, Mr. Lynch is finally given a chance at a fortune when he stumbles upon an unlikely creature.  8 pages - pdf, format 8)

I enjoyed this feelgood fantasy. I liked what you did with Mr Lynch. I hated him at first but this made the tension in the scene with the eggs all that much better.

Nice ending, it could have been cliche but it wasn't.

Not bad, Devin, not bad.

As crazy as this sounds, I like it.

It's a very simple tale and even an age old tale, but something about the way you told it, makes this work for the most part.

Things you can easily clean up - orphans, unfilmables, asides, and unclear descriptions.

For me, it works as written, though.  Your dialogue is well done and maybe that's why this came off "believable".  Sometimes it's just little things here and there that make such a big difference and this seems to have them.

Good job!

Quoted from Dreamscale As crazy as this sounds, I like it.

That is crazy.

As someone who's been lurking on this site for awhile, rarely have I seen you give a script a raving review.

When I first read this script I thought it was rather silly. But now that I see you like it I reread it and find myself leaning more towards liking it as well.  Go figure.

Although I still find the concept somewhat preposterous. No offense to the writer.

Quoted from NickSedario That is crazy. As someone who's been lurking on this site for awhile, rarely have I seen you give a script a raving review. When I first read this script I thought it was rather silly. But now that I see you like it I reread it and find myself leaning more towards liking it as well.  Go figure. Although I still find the concept somewhat preposterous. No offense to the writer.

Good to see you coming out of the shadows now, Silverback.

Let's not jump the gun here - I don't think this is a raving review, but something about it just works and leaves me with a good feeling.

Not only is the concept preposterous, it's classic cliche, as well.  But, for me, it proves what I've always believed and what I always say - you don't have to come up with some new wonderful concept/story/idea/plot...you just have to do something cool or different with whatever it is you're working with.

The last scene here with Mr. Lynch flying around on an alien is so whacky that it comes off rather cool...to me, at least, and everyone has their own opinion.

Haha yes I too was shocked to see a glowing review about something.

It was a great little tale, a shorter version of something you'd see in the Twilight zone. Although, having said that those sorts of shows would have Lynch walking off with the eggs and the alien somehow coming back for revenge.

The 'WOMAN IN DISTRESS' voice did make me laugh.

'Preposterous' it may be, but that's the beauty of writing you can take the audience anywhere with anything, and as this is a well-written piece it does that very well. Not every film can be like "12 Angry Men".

I appreciate your feedback, both positive and negative. Lynch's Wish Upon A Star was originally written as a final short for my screenwriting course at UCR. This is one of the first drafts so I'd appreciate any specific citations of misspellings or any place you guys see needs work. I'm also trying to get involved on here so if anyone has a script they'd like me to review, send it my way.

-Devin M. Rush

My first post on here. The story was a nice read, simple but engaging dialog. As The Goose said, it did have echoes of something from The Twilight Zone or The Outer Limits. I wouldn't mind reading a slightly longer version, perhaps with the dilemma of 'will he, won't he' give the eggs back a bit more drawn out. But well done!

Hey Devin,
Fun little short, nothing stands out, but I would maybe set up a bit of conflict between the Sup. And Lynch in the open to give the audience a sense of Lynch’s needed liberation at stories end. Overall the piece is solid and an enjoyable read.
Stefan

Thank you, Stefan007 and Kal. Welcome to the boards, by the way.

Hey Devin
This is also my first post on here. I thought it was a nice read. You said what was needed without writing too much.
I agree it was an entertaining ending.

Great little script here! At times I did confused as to the description of the alien... I will reread again. Loved the ending too... That Mr Lynch found another, more rewarding kind of freedom than the financial one he was after.

Hi Devin,

This was a nice little read, had a very positive ending and I liked how Mr. Lynch's wish came true. When reading I could really picture this as some pixar animated short.

The only thing I don't know about is the ending where Lynch flies off to be with the stars forever, that seems like some important infromation because that was his wish, to get too the stars.

Maybe you could have a super, or narration of the black creature saying this. Or have the creature warp into space and kind of become a distant light in the starry backdrop.  For all the auidence knows he's just going for a ride and could be back at any moment.

All in all good stuff, and an enjoyable read.

Keep it up.

Quoted from PraneelNand Hi Devin, This was a nice little read, had a very positive ending and I liked how Mr. Lynch's wish came true. When reading I could really picture this as some pixar animated short. The only thing I don't know about is the ending where Lynch flies off to be with the stars forever, that seems like some important infromation because that was his wish, to get too the stars. Maybe you could have a super, or narration of the black creature saying this. Or have the creature warp into space and kind of become a distant light in the starry backdrop.  For all the auidence knows he's just going for a ride and could be back at any moment. All in all good stuff, and an enjoyable read. Keep it up.

This is very true. Thanks for the feedback, PraneelNand. I will take this into consideration. It makes a lot of sense. Apparently I wrote it for the reader as opposed to the producer or director.

Devin

This was an odd little piece.

It was a curious mix of pre dustbowl era period and location with more modern Spielberg-esque sci-fi elements.

While the prose and format is relatively solid, the read breezed by, the dialogue at times felt too on-the-nose and awkward.

DOCTOR BERLINER
Mr. Lynch, if you take those, you’d
be responsible for the extinction
of an entire alien race. You heard
her. She’s the last—

- How does the doctor know this? Hell of a presumption to make with its basis only in the dying murmurings of the alien.

MR. LYNCH
(to himself)
But, what about all my money? My
happiness?

- Reads rather clunky.

“His eyes grow.”

- I get what you are trying to say here but I wonder is there a better phrase you can use?

I’m curious as to know if there was anything deeper to this then some guy wanting to make his fortune by selling extra-terrestrial offspring. It’s such a random set of events that I figured there must be more at work here.

As it stands, the story is a bit of a non starter, too disparate and bizarre (and brief) to really hang together well. The only proper tension or conflict is when Lynch wants to take the eggs against the alien and the doctor’s will but even that situation is diffused quickly.

In essence, the story depicts a downtrodden farmhand wishing to get out of his dead end existence, his way out coming in the form of selling alien eggs. He wants to take them but is dissuaded on the basis that the alien mother will perish but more so because the doc convinces him the eggs will die too if he separates them from their mother. As a reward for his deed, the Farmhand gets a free ride out of there on top of the alien, to where, we can only speculate. That is the sum total of the story and when you look at it like that it comes across very strange indeed which is why I ask were you trying to convey some sort of message something along the line of human greed in the face of the unknown.

Of course I could be reading too much into this. Perhaps you just wanted to tell a crazy tale where a guy rides on a winged alien in the final shot! ;)

Col.