The Fall by Aaron Ridenour - Thriller - A veteran police detective races to uncover the connection between the brutal murders of a young boy’s family and a group hunted by a mysterious creature in a Washington national forest that possesses the ability to envenom and manipulate the mind of its prey. 140 pages - pdf, format 8)

Aaron, your logline intrigued me, as it seems to say there is quite a depth to this story.  I gave it a quick look and have some comments to help.

I read the first few pages slowly and then skimmed through the entire intro.  I like what I'm seeing based on the story/plot, but there are numerous problems you need to clean up.

First of all, IMO, a 15 page intro is just too long. That's 15 minutes of screen time, and although there have been numerous examples of films with as long or longer intro's, this just feels way too long.

You missed at least 15, probably more like 25 Slugs.  Every single time your scene changes, you HAVE TO ADD A NEW SLUG!  You have to, period.  Whether or not you use full, mini, or some kind of hybrid, you need to let your readers know they're in a new location.

Considering that every time you use a Slug, you use 2 to 3 lines, we're talking about an extra page or more to make this accurate, meaning, your intro is now over 17 pages long.

Also, pretty much all of your action/description lines are overwritten.  Sometimes just a word here or there, but often, a number of unnecessary words and/or repetition.  Quite glaring in many places.  This could easily be cut down to under 12 pages, without taking any story/plot points out.

IMO, your intro should probably be around 5 or 6 pages, formatted correctly, with all necessary Slugs.  Some will say this is an easy fix, but in reality, it's not - it will take your understanding of what's wrong here to truly get this down to where it should be.

One final note - I checked, and you're correct, X Files did begin in 1993, but it aired on Friday nights, I'm almost certain, meaning the 16 year old daughter lying in bed early in the evening, studying, seems out of place.  A small nit pick, but something you may want to consider.  If she was on the phone with a friend (boy or girl), I think it would make more sense and come off more believable.  Attention to detail is a must, IMO, and every chance you have to show that you're paying attention makes for a better read.

So, again, I like the premise, I like the way you set this all up, but it needs attention to get it to a point where peeps will take you seriously as a writer.

Hope this helps and I wish you luck with it.

Take care and enjoy the weekend!

Aaron, something I neglected to add to my earlier post, which has alot to do with everything I did say...

At 140 pages long, this is just way too damn long, based on what it's intended to be.  Alot of the reasons why it's so long is most likely based on what I said about your overwriting, repetition, etc.

BUT, understand, that if you missed Slugs throughout the script, like you did in the intro, you're looking at an additional 5 or more pages, most likely, meaning, you're now at 145 pages.

Some will say that this genre should not exceed 100 pages, but I think you could easily get away at 105-110. You're still looking at chopping out 40 whole pages, and that is alot.

You need to understand what economical writing means and learn how to effectively be ale to do it.  Again, some will say, that's the easy part, but I disagree - it's not easy.

If you want this to shine and be all it can be, it will take some serious effort.  Read other scripts and post feedback, as you'll find you'll get a Hell of alot more feedback and help yourself by providing the same to others.

Best of luck.

What a cracking start.  It is an easy read, your characters are well developed and the story is full of so much tension.  I am intrigued to read more!