Social Climbers by Elijah Kay (ekay14) - Short, Comedy - Four high school outcasts struggle to survive in a hostile social environment. In this episode, the four give lead poisoning to a beloved student. 15 pages - pdf, format 8)

There's a lot of typos like  - “I got to us the bathroom“. Worth going through again or getting someone to proof read, I always miss some no matter how many times I read my stuff.

Some formatting issues, have a look at some scripts and see how they are structured, like scene headings over short periods of time, montages and dual dialogue so you can see how they should be formatted.

Typos and formatting aside the story didn't do much for me, it was all over the place and unbelievable. The attempt at the Kevin Smith dialogue regarding Vader just didn't work, nor did the rest of the banter I'm afraid.

I think you tried to do too much in too little time. Everything was rushed. Try tackling one scene at a time, flesh it out until it seems natural  and read all the dialogue out loud. That's all I can suggest to get you started, hope it helps.

Thanks for the advice man, sorry just got back ;)

I dont see a plot  , read the first 6 pages nothings is happening

This reads like a bad South Park episode to me... I'm sorry, but, I need to be honest. If in my mind I replace the voices with that of Cartmen, Kyle, Stan and Kenny it kind of works. I just don't laugh as much. I think it's a good attempt! And I'm definitely no pro by any means. So, maybe tighten it up, fix the errors and it will be better. All and all not for me but good luck with it! :)

Thanks so much for all your feed back. The spelling and grammar errors are unacceptable, but more importantly, I think I have been trying to replicate the kind of senses of humor I've seen on TV when I should be remaining loyal to my own. I took a long cliche, white teenager walk in the park to clear my head and decided to abandon this script and attempt something more true to myself. (its called Cadillac and Parker, it should be up soon)

Thanks,  8)
Elijah

Hey Elijah, I'm glad you took the criticism constructively! I would love to read the new script when you're done it! Let me know when it's up! Lot's of scripts get added constantly so I'll keep an eye out, but, it would be easier if you could PM me or something when it's around!

Take care!
Cory

Useful or not, that's a great title. Real eye-catcher. It just sounds like a tv show.

Thanks Cory, I'll be sure to contact you.

Elijah

"Cadillac and Parker" is in this weeks unproduced scripts if any of you want to check it out.
http://www.simplyscripts.com/unpro.html