Paradox by Anurag - Short, Sci Fi - {no logline} - pdf, format 8)

Hi Anurag,
My biggest problem is that film is a visual medium. Your opening scene is a guy writing in his journal. I’m already bored, the voice over may be interesting however the visual is dull. Show don’t tell, show us what is happening, that will make things a lot more interesting.
Stefan

Hey Anurag

SPOILERS!!!!

You state at the bottom that you directed this so  wonder if anything I'm about to say is relevant?

I think this needs work to be honest.  You start with no introduction the 'Traveller' and indeed call him a traveler and not traveller.  Am I right in thinking English isn't your first language?

The Travellers dialogue is way too long and it would be probably have been better as a V.O. over a montage or the scene he's describing.  I'm not sure what 'sparks' in his mind either?

You say the Traveller watches his 'competitor' but then say he's a thief, which is it?

My main problem is with the story though.  He is shocked by the death of the thief and finally remembers the watch, but he was only just talking about it the night before wasn't here?  Or was it a long time before, maybe this should be clearer.  Also he has a double negative in his dialogue.  He says 'I didn't not kill him'.

He goes back and realises it was him and is shocked...but why then doesn't he just go back again and not kill him?  Also, when he goes back, is there not a previous version of the Traveller attacking the thief, if not, then there is surely nothing stopping him going back again?

I hope some of this helps.