Dead Duck by Matthew Nsubuga (Majorgeneral316) - Short, Thriller -  A university student, who can see into future, faces a race against time to save an innocent woman. 7 pages - pdf, format 8)

"Blake Snyder"? Hahaha. That threw me for a second. For a second I thought this was an adaptation of Save the Cat.

Anyway, the writing here is okay most of the time, but it lacks visual flair. Couple uses of "we see" running around here. Some typos. My main beef is all the V.O., which gets tiring after seven pages.

I kinda got a student film vibe from this, if that makes sense. It's like something some guys would shoot on campus. I could actually see this one getting produced, given the small budget and few actors.

But honestly it's not all that interesting of a story. I see this play out in enough short films. Lots of V.O., and some college student chasing a serial killer. It's pretty generic... not really a very interesting take on serial killers, or even the guy that tries to stop one. From the look of the killer to the murder weapon to the part about tying a guy to a chair... it's been done.

I think the "guy seeing the future" is an interesting angle, though. But here you spend a lot of time on a chase scene rather than the seeing-the-future part. My advice for writing a serial killer script is to find an angle that hasn't been done before.

I hope my notes don't come across as harsh, but sorry Matthew, not for me.

Will

I liked the idea of a psychic Dexter but then you turned it all American Psycho and I wasn't sure what was happening towards the end.

The writing was fine but I got less and less interested as I read it, sorry didn't work for me.

Mathew, I tried to give this a read and gave up on page Page 4 when you completely lost track of your Slugs.  There are issues throughout, actually of incorrect Slugs, missing Flashbacks, etc.  I wanted to stay with this, but it's too messed up...

...which is a shame, because I actually like what you attempted.  It needs more work, more thought, and much better attention to detail.

At times, you give great visuals, but then at others, there's none.  You have very specific locales here, yet many of your Slugs are beyond generic - ROOM, BATHROOM, STREET, etc.  Slugs can be your best friend if you want them to be.  Let them give as much info as possible.

Stay away from using we and the like - it's rarely if ever going to help your cause.

If I were you, I'd revisit this and give it a few reads and then go back to work on it.

Hope this helps.

Thanks guys for the read.

Yes, this was meant to a student short film. I tried to get it made, but politics got in the way. I know, doesn't make any sense. But you'd be surprised how supposed wannabe filmmakers spend most of their time talking, instead of actually getting anything done.

I'm looking to give this to anyone who wants to use it as a short film.

All points are well received.

Dreamscale (sorry don't know your name), I will have another look at it. Tighten it up. Hopefully I can generate more ideas to make it more interesting and original. Though at the beginning I was trying to keep it as simple as possible.

I also understand your points as well Will. I'm glad you liked the initial angle. I may need to build on that.

And Mark, my initial idea was a Dexter/Minority Report mix but I think I fell into he trap of thinking I need a way to wrap this up within 10 pages. I wanted there to be an arc which is why there is that twist at the end.

Thanks all the reads.

Really appreciated.

Matthew

Hi Matthew,
Is this an early draft? I like the idea behind the story and agree with all comments posted so far. The concept is intriguing but something is missing, it feels a bit rushed, and a little forced. I like to add the question of what if, to all my scripts. For me it’s a way to flush out the story or find more dramatic situations in most cases. It also allows me to look at a piece from different angles. For example; what if the MC can’t really see into the future, What if it’s his warped perception of reality, a way for him to deal with the fact that he is a killer. I think you have a good idea here you just need to develop a better flowing story. You did kind of get me at the end, good job. However the Figure character felt a bit convenient an easy exposition. I think you can develop a stronger more powerful end. With a few more drafts I think you can have a powerful piece.
Stefan

hey Matthew

i agree with many of the points made. i think this idea has a lot of potential.

One thought i had reading this was that it was like one story was being told, then halfway through it changed. i agree with stefan in that the ending seemed a bit rushed.

Major,

Hey, nice effort.  I def got a Dexter type vibe from this.  Blake being able to see who was bad and all, then having to kill them.  But, and maybe it's just me, I was confused when Vincent showed up.  Who is he?  A cop?  And where did Blake run off to?

Like some other commentors mentioned, it sounded a bit rushed.  The best ending in your mind isn't always the best to the reader.  But I think more should be added in the way of tying things up.  As it stands, there's no closure, which kinda left me hanging, scratching my head.

However, my interpretation lead me to believe that, in the end, Blake was just a nut--no special powers, just a murderer.

The writing is good.  Didn't pay that much attention to your use of slugs (was really trying to keep up with the story), but there are some typos here and there.  A minor fix, of course.

On another note, this also reminded me of a great movie called Frailty, which has a character who can see who the bad guys are and kills them.

Best of luck with this!

Steve

Hey Guys,

Sorry for taking so long to reply. I've been so busy,

Your reads are appreciated. All advice has been accepted and understood. I'm in the process of adapting this into a feature length.

Again, thank you all for the reads.

Matthew