Have You Seen Him by Jason Bullock - Short, Drama - After years of searching, Vicky finally finds the one she's searching for. Will it be the reunion she's hoped for? 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

Wow... what to say... many things I suppose...

I have no idea if you want this to be taken seriously... or if it's a super dark, extremely black comedy.

One of the questions I was going to ask as the story progressed:  who was Rick and why would a police officer be associated with this?  As the story concluded I did get my answer.

Some of the dialogue, IMO, goes from totally natural, to OTN, to absolutely cringe-worthy.

There are "funny" parts, but I don't know if they're supposed to be funny or not.

"She completely shoots off Dustin's penis and testicles."

See what I mean?  

Also, Vicky shoots Dustin in the leg and Dustin, Vicky, and Robin continue to have a conversation almost as if nobody was shot in the leg.  Exposition overload.  There should be screaming, agony, chaos, blood.

I would be lying if I said I didn't do a double take while reading this.

Some absolute crazy fucked up shit going on here.

Is this meant to be serious?  An extremely black comedy?

I don't know.

I have more thoughts, but I'll have to take some more time to gather all of them. haha

Dialog was a big problem for me as well.  It's very artificial and filled with exposition.  Vicky shoots Dustin and they casually talk afterwards about growing up.  Dustin is in too much pain to do so; Vicky is too engulfed in rage to do so.

SPOILER SPACE (maybe, kind of, I don't know)

Why does Rick tell Vicky that he's a police detective on page one?  If he's her father (which he learn later on) she would know this.  More exposition!


In dialog, less is more.  People don't talk in full sentences.  And they don't tell us everything we need to know.

Hope this helps.


Phil

I agree with this guys, this isn't working for me, and I stopped up where Vicky shoots Dustin?  Does he have superpowers?  Is he immune to pain?  I wouldn't be surprised if he was.

The dialogue was too on the nose and you were trying to fit everything in.  It just didn't come up naturally and at times your characters felt like robots.  I don't know what you were going for with this and I have no idea why it's under "drama" because it felt like a comedy.

I'll pipe back in if I see you around and leave more feedback.  Don't recognize your username.  Good luck with it, hopefully you get more feedback to point you in the main direction because I can tell... maybe... possibly... that you're onto something.

Curt