Castles by Steven Clark - Short, Drama - A day at the beach yields a profound moment for a father and his four year old son. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Steve,

a sweet tale with some engaging visuals of Ray playing with his son -- just not sure what you were aiming for the audience to take from it?

Chance’s ‘Just like life’ line was a nice aside and I could see Ray being taken aback by it.  Guessing this was the profound moment, yet how or why we reach that point was lost on me.  Though maybe that’s the point?

Writing’s a little fragmented in places.  No doubt a choice in style you’re comfortable with, though you could smooth the read out somewhat by re-working the descriptions -- your call to make.

A couple of minor things that stood out:

‘Several minutes pass, many waves are jumped.’  -- So do we watch for several minutes as they jump waves?  

‘He SWEATS’. Not sure what this was trying to put across.

Interested to see your take on this.

Steve.

Hey Steve,
Many thanks for the read, and for the compliments.

The take on the profound moment, which is what Chance says after "just like life," is that there really isn't a profound moment. Just the musings of a four year old, which can seem profound on any given day. But I also tried to show that special bond between father and son, and the potential dangers that await in life.

He sweats. Yeah, reads awkward. Should've written something like Sweat drips from his forehead.

Many waves were jumped. Silly mistake on my part. Gotta remember to show time passage, not tell!

Anyways, glad you seemed to enjoy it. Thanks again.

Steve

Hey Steve,
I enjoyed this one.  I guess the inner cynic in me was expecting some horrible shark attack or drowning the entire time I was reading it, ha, but I'm glad it turned out to be just a nice day at the beach.  The only thing I would suggest that needs immediate changing is a possible addition of a parenthetical at the "building up smoldering civilizations" line.  That sounds waaaay too epic for a father to say while building a sand castle, so I figured he said it playfully.  A parenthetical could clarify this, perhaps.
Overall I just enjoyed the lightness of the piece, good work.
Gage

Gage,

Thanks for the read.  A shark attack would've livened things up a bit.  After all, it is almost Shark Week.  

Not too sure about that even being a parenthetical remark by Ray.  It's def over Chance's head, yes, and it was said playfully.  But I don't think it's worthy of parentheses.  Not unless it's a direct quote.

But I'm stoked you liked it, Gage!  Thanks for the feedback.

Steve

That was a nice tale, sweet. I could visualise the beach and enjoyed the Father/Son relationship. :-)

Mark,

Thanks for the kind words. Visualization is something I strive for in my scripts. I'm glad it worked for you.

The two characters in this story were borrowed from the feature I am currently working on. That piece, a drama, is anything but light and sweet.

Thanks again.

Steve

Hey Steve Clark,

GREAT imagery on this one. You really set the tone well and the kid's dialogue was good, not too much. Cliches were almost impossible to avoid, but you did it. I thought you got close and might hit a few, but you stayed clear.

That being said, I'm not sure what the point was. "Just like life" seemed to have significance, but for no more than we knew about the characters, it fell flat. I don't think it works well and while you could add backstory to it, I would rather see you try and make something else from it. Instead of having that comment be about their family rebuilding after whatever tragedy they might've faced, make it about something else. If you want to leave it open-ended, maybe throw some more clues in there to help readers better formulate any number of guesses as to what that comment means to the boy, to the dad, to both of them. But give us enough to let us know you aren't just being lazy, leaving off an ending. :)

Yo, Steve.  I gave this a read.  Sorry to say, I didn't get much out of it, and was literally waiting for something to happen that would tell me what this was all about, or what it's trying to say.  It never happened for me.

Writing-wise, there are numerous issues on every page.  I see you're attempting a creative style with your Slugs, but you've missed many Slugs, as location changes, but you don't include a new Slug.  Lots of orphans wasting entire lines.  Personally, I'm not a fan of the short, choppy writing itself, and feel like you missed out on many good visual moments, because of this.  You've also included a bunch of unfilmables.  Some other issues as well that don't help in my reading enjoyment.

I guess different peeps could draw different themes or meanings from this, but IMO, there's little here that hits on any level of power, because the elements at work here are all very cliche and universal as well.

Not a bad piece by any means, but it doesn't do anything for me.

Take care.

Having a four-year-old child suddenly pipe up with grand observations about "life" struck me as a bit contrived.  But not unbearably so, really, and this small moment is really where the story seems to be leading us.  Perhaps the child should be a bit older, perhaps not.

What I would suggest, however, is deleting the responses from Ray.

At that point, it feels like beating us over the head so we are sure not to miss it.

Just let Ray smile and ponder.  That is enough.

Personally, I had no problems with the "smoldering ruins" line.  Seems fine to me.

Quoted from DanBall If you want to leave it open-ended, maybe throw some more clues in there to help readers better formulate any number of guesses as to what that comment means to the boy, to the dad, to both of them. But give us enough to let us know you aren't just being lazy, leaving off an ending. :)

Hey Dan,

Good observation, but guilty as charged, I guess.  However, I was not lazy.  This was the way I wanted it from the beginning.  As Bert said, everything that happens is only leading up to the moment the boy says, "just like life."  But the kicker is what he says after that about Santa Claus and the space station.  Meaning, whatever he said before that is totally lost, gone forever.  It really meant nothing.  It was just something he said.  Again, the musings of a young child.  Could mean something, could not.  Here, it didn't.

Bert,

Thanks for your suggestions.  You make an excellent point.  Toning Ray down seems like a good way to just let the moment flow.  Will def consider it.

Dreamscale,

Sorry this wasn't for you.  It was just one of those stories that really doesn't have that punch that many people expect.  Lack of clear ending, and open ended, perhaps, to a fault.  

I hoped to convey with the fishermen in the boat that this could be an older version of Ray and his son, and the lifeguard was meant to represent the possibilty of future dangers that may lie ahead.  I did not leave it ambiguous on purpose, but I was hoping people might catch what I was going for.  And that was?  Kids say the darndest things.  How's that for chiche?

But really all I tried to present was just a light little piece.  And maybe a little something to think about.  No more, no less.  I'm just glad you took the time to give it a read.

All of you.

Steve

Hey Steven, this script isn't my thing necessarily, but I enjoyed it overall. It was sweet and light-hearted.

The "just like life" comment came out of nowhere, but it suggested a whole lot. Maybe the mother passed away? And I liked that the kid, though disappointed, kept rebuilding and rebuilding, and how his father helped him after someone had trampled over the last one he did.

I dig the subtext in the dialogue and the overall story. I didn't have much of a problem with your writing style. There are a few un-filmables here and there, but I didn't find it annoying as it kept the story moving.

You had plenty of white space, but watch out for them orphans. A lot of them on the 1st page alone. Kinda makes the page look unbalanced the way they just dangle there.

And I noticed that you had a MINI SLUG at the very bottom of Page 2 (FISHING BOAT) -- again, just another presentation thing, but you probably want to avoid that.

Overall, good job.

-- Michael

I thought this was a good short, I think you should shuffle the cards the get more subconscious impact from the audience.  Use your symbols to your advantage.  

Whenever you repeat a focal point, the sand castle in this case, it should have another layer brought into it that is a twist on itself.  If the boy admires it, only to leave it easier, then it diminishes the grip you want to have on the audience.  Life is like building sand castles, our work gets swept away, but something bigger and more crafty results in its destruction.

Another symbol that you used was the homemade flag on a toothpick.  A flag, in the context you used it, is to make claim to something that's yours.  I feel that after Chance said, "Just like life" and his father questioned him about it, it would have been a good opportunity to have Chance lay his flag down immediatly, to claim what he said without a doubt.

Its refreshing to read a piece where a father and son can build something together.

The story resonates with me, there are a few happenings that are a bit random, but it's solid.  Good work,

Johnny

Hey Johnny,
Thanks for the comments. You're right on with the flag symbol. Writing this I looked to the flag to offer some kind of significance, but I got lost along the way trying to figure out Chance's out of nowhere "just like life" dialogue.

In hindsight I should have returned to the flag and made it mean more, because it would def add another dimension to the story. Thanks for pointing that out.

Mike,

Thanks for the read.  Appreciate the mini slug thing you pointed out. Wasn't even thinking about that, but formatting-wise I know it's a no-no.  Sometimes I miss the most glaring errors!

Btw, Morphine rocked. Excellent writing.

Steve

Hey Steve.

I really like this one.  I was waiting for something big and tragic to happen, as well, (the cynic in me was expecting the worst), but I liked the way you took it.  Nice and calm and just something to think about.  No more.  No less.

Reminded of something my 3 year-old said today.  I was changing the batteries on the remote and told him I had to change them because the other batteries died.  He just sat there for a moment, watching me change them, and then says calmly, 'Grandpa died, too.'

Anyway, nice job on this one.  There wasn't much in the writing that got in the way of my read, like in 'The Grade'.

Good job.

- Mark

Mark,

Thanks for the reads on both shorts. They were actually two little distractions that found there way in between me writing my next feature. And shorts are a good way for me to work on things to keep myself sharp. And to try different things out.

I'm glad you mentioned your 3 year old, because that's exactly what this story took its cue from. I have a four year old, and sometimes he'll just say something totally out of the blue that'll leave you scratching your head! It's a beautiful thing really.

These stories were not beated out. Just from mind to page. There was some symbolism involved in Castles that could have been better executed. Johnny Nuts noted the symbolism of the flag as an example. That's something that could have been fleshed out a little. But in the end it's just a dad and his boy, like you said. No more, no less.

Thanks for taking the time.

Steve

Steve

This was a cute little story, nothing that packed a punch or smoking hot baywatch lifeguards :(  just a simple father and son relationship.

I guess you that were not trying to leave the audience thinking about a deeper level although the "just like life" quote did leave me pondering a bit. I was thinking maybe his mother was eaten by a shark, but would have survived had she stayed and built a sandcastle :D

How did the lifeguard motion to an unseen swimmer, if he's unseen how did he see him? :) aha
I thought after the 3rd castle disaster the father would grab a bag of sakrete, maybe pour a foundation, install a mini septic system the whole works :)

Another nicely wrote short although not as creative as the others... missing David Hasselhoff

Mark

p.s I have 2 daughters 5 and 9 and always say profound things to me " Daddy you smell" What does it mean? there must be a deeper meaning :D

Quoted from irish eyes I was thinking maybe his mother was eaten by a shark, but would have survived had she stayed and built a sandcastle :)

Hmm. Wife eaten by a shark. I'll save that one for the next time we get into a knock-down drag-out fight.

Quoted from Mark p.s I have 2 daughters 5 and 9 and always say profound things to me " Daddy you smell" What does it mean? there must be a deeper meaning :D

Boy, that's so open to interpretation. The possibilities are just endless. Lately my son has taken to punching me in the nuts while shouting out "Family jewels! Family jewels!" Unfortunately, I know exactly how he learned that.  ;D

Steven, gave this one a read today and after I finished, I thought, "it's well written, but what's it about?" The best I can figure is that the boy keeps building sand castles, and they keep getting knocked over, and the boy makes a statement to the effect of "well, that's life." Okay, and...?  I guess I kept expecting something more.  

It felt more like a Fellini short, where a lot of things happen that have nothing to do with the story.  For example, why have something in there about the fishermen? Unless I missed something, they don't have anything to do with the boy, correct?  If not, it's overkill to include them. A seagull cries. Well, yeah, but you're at a beach and you would expect that. So why end your story on that note? It just seems an odd way to go with it.

Don't get me wrong, certainly it was a very visual story and you could clearly see all this happening, and the action was nicely written (if not a little odd at times), but I guess what I'm getting at is that it could be a much stronger story (and this is just my opinion), if something further happened while they are there, or alternatively, the story is a backdrop to why the dad and boy are there on their own.

Just my two cents, but it's certainly makes you think a little bit about what's happening here.

Gary

You say that this short is based on characters from a feature you're writing.  I definitely got the feeling that this was part of a bigger piece.  Not enough happens for it to stand on its own, but it was a pleasant and believeable read.


Phil

Hey Steve;

Short and sweet, a nice easy read that put me in a real laid back mood.

Not sure if there's any deeper meaning that a reader could pull from this, aside from the fact that it just resonates a moment in time. That is what life is after all, short little movies that play out in the mind of things that may or may not have happened at some point in time.

One thing you might have added was having 'Ray', perhaps gaze towards the sky, hand deflecting the sun, trying to contemplate why his son would even suggest, out of the myriad of toys a small child would ask for; something as obtuse as a Space Station. Unless he's crazy on Playmobil toys, then it's a given.

Then maybe have a small, somewhat insignificant sky anomaly take place when he's looking up. Nothing to weird, maybe something suggestive as a Chemtrail, or a shimmer in the sky, something that has the reader question 'Chance's' choice of words. Children are very clever at finding the truth that their parents fail to see.

As it stands, it works to tell a tale, just wish there was a deeper meaning I could pull from it. Hope this helps in some way. Take care... Rick.

Gary, Phil, AsfarasSiam,

thanks for the read, guys.  I really appreciate you taking your time to have a look.  If I can return a read, please let me know.

Quoted from Gary Steven, gave this one a read today and after I finished, I thought, "it's well written, but what's it about?"

Great question, Gary.  I'll defer you to AsfarsaSiam's post where he says--

Quoted from AsfarasSiam Not sure if there's any deeper meaning that a reader could pull from this, aside from the fact that it just resonates a moment in time.

That's really what it is.  I wrote this after I went to the beach with my wife and 4 year old son, and well, kids do say some strange things, so I just kinda pieced the two together and came up with this.  I know there's no hook, no twist--just a day at the beach.  It's what was in my mind at the moment, and I wrote it down.

And yes, we did build sand castles.

Quoted from Gary It felt more like a Fellini short, where a lot of things happen that have nothing to do with the story.  For example, why have something in there about the fishermen? Unless I missed something, they don't have anything to do with the boy, correct?

Sort of correct.  The two fisherman are just representation of the boy and father, but at a later stage in their lives.  I'm big on symbolism.  Sometimes it works well, sometimes not.

Quoted from Gary A seagull cries. Well, yeah, but you're at a beach and you would expect that. So why end your story on that note? It just seems an odd way to go with it.

Well, yeah, seagulls do hang out at beaches.  Why not end it that way?

Quoted from Phil You say that this short is based on characters from a feature you're writing.  I definitely got the feeling that this was part of a bigger piece.  Not enough happens for it to stand on its own, but it was a pleasant and believeable read.

This isn't a scene from something bigger, though.  Just borrowed the characters.  Does it stand on its own?  Debatable.  At the time I thought it did.

Steve

Quoted from Gum Then maybe have a small, somewhat insignificant sky anomaly take place when he's looking up. Nothing to weird, maybe something suggestive as a Chemtrail, or a shimmer in the sky, something that has the reader question 'Chance's' choice of words.

Perhaps a sun dog?

Steve

I took a look at castles. I gotta’ say I liked it. I got good visuals of the boy and his father. It was a warm hearted little tale. I liked that the boy was so determined to rebuild his castle over and over again. It showed a type of strong character trail on the boys part. I did get what you were trying to convey about sometimes a child can say profound things that can make an adult step back in awe. And then get lost by typical child thoughts. But I can see where it may seem like the ending felt like… it just ended.

A gull cries. For some reason that felt poetic. I liked it. Nice touch.

Good job man
Marcello

Marcello,

Thanks for checking this out, bro.  I'm glad you liked it.

Steve

Have to say, I really liked this. Particularly how simplistic it is, in the best possible way. I too was thinking there'd be something sinister about to happen but you stuck it out (I couldn't have resisted taking it in a darker direction) so congrats. A charming little story.

That said, I think the dialogue was little too simple, not that I'd want Chance quoting literature or anything... just that some of it was too obvious if that makes sense?

EG:

CHANCE
Hold me, daddy.

...

CHANCE
That was a big one, daddy! Bigger
than anything I've ever seen.

RAY
Yeah. That was a big one.


I just think this dialogue is unnecessary but that's just my opinion.

Overall, I like the flow of your writing, and wish I could keep my stories this pleasant, and simple (again, not in a bad way) as I tend to write convoluted stories.

-- Steve