Like, Bromance by Chris Ramos (chrisr) - Short, Comedy - A gay guy and a popular jock find out they're brothers. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey chris,

Lets have a look, five pages - that appeals
Oh, fade in on the right - don't tell Jeff,  i don't give a toss, but it annoys some

Ok, that's wasn't working for me...until the end.

I will give you that one, it does pull the rabbit out the bag so to speak...just

Personally I think it needs a little more light touch, a bit more build up and a tad more characterisation - you could have them arriving, seeing each other, the horror etc, but we don't

As a simple, easy to film, cheap skit, this has potential, just milk the opportunity

As an aside, shorts don't always have theme, but you could sneak one in here. The beauty of truth etc,don't miss the chance.

Cheers

Hey Chris,

So, yeah, a lot of the humor fell flat IMO with the dialogue. I liked the "Because I'm black" bit, that was kinda funny. But I had to read the gravy dialogue a few times because it sounded odd.

The writing was good, but there wasn't much of it, it was all dialogue. Though I prefer not to mention character relationships in description - his father, his mother, etc. Kinda just let it unfold and have us figure it out visually.

It just felt like a rushed scene. The parents just go out and say "You're brothers". And then they go back and forth.

The payoff was good, though. Kinda shatters the gay stereotype a bit. But it was weird at the same time -- so they're brothers? And they're... dating? Yuck, haha. I think the payoff would be more appreciated/better earned if you built things up a little bit more instead of just rushing into the banter. And perhaps punch up the back and forth a little bit, wasn't really that funny to me.

-- Michael

Reef Dreamer, hey!

Thank you for reading.

It definitely needs more character development, but I just didn't wanna make it too long when the story itself doesn't really have a point. I just wanted go straight to the point so that's why I have no introductions or anything.

Michael, hello!

Thanks for the read.

The "gravy" dialogue and the "was it a potato?" was just intentional randomness to start the weirdness of the scene.

I don't like to mention relationships either, but it was a quick write and I knew it was gonna be all dialogue with no space for characterization so that's why I had to point it out.

It was in fact rushed, so that's the reason of the odd dialogue at first -- an odd way to start the rush.

I could've better jokes, but this came up to my head as I was eating and I just wrote it the way I thought about it because it's just so stupid and ridiculous.

Thanks guys! :)

--Chris

I actually really liked this.  It was okay.  I think though you do need to expand it more.  I'd double the page count to 10 pages.  It would benefit both your characters.  Get to know em a bit more.

The gravy dialogue at the start confused the heck outta me!  However, I did like it more as it went on and I thought Miles was hilarious. :lol:  More on him and Kyle would benefit this a lot.  

And I thought the pay-off was great, would be stronger if the short was more longer and didn't feel like just a scene taken out of a movie.  But shizz like that does happen.  I remember reading a story about two people who had been together ten years and they found out they were brother/sister.  

Overall, nice work.  Crisp writing.  You need to CAP both Miles and Kyle's names at the start.  And the parents, too.

Curt

Hey Curt!

Thanks for reading! :)

The gravy dialogue was supposed to be confusing and I guess it's working with everyone.

I guess I will be making it longer -- I'm just thinking about a way to get the audience to know them better, but keep the stupidness of the script as a whole.

I've never heard of it happening, and the chances are so odd that it actually makes it funny.

Thanks!

--Chris Ramos